To not want to work?

[jenrose29]

I have a 4.5 year old and a 4 week old. When I fell pregnant with DD1 I gave up a place at Cambridge University to stay home with her, my ex husband supported this and we spent the first three years of her life going to baby groups, the park, walking the dog, baking etc. We loved it :) When ex and I seperated I began a degree with the view of going into teaching when I'm done, I met DP with whom I have a 4 week old and I love him very much. However, though he wants more children, he expects me to work full-time. He earns well and could support us but is eager to have wages from us both coming in. At the moment I take DD1 to and collect her from school everyday, take her to lots of activities, to playdates etc and when baby gets a little older I want to give her the same childhood and attention DD1 had. I simply don't want children that I only see before/after nursery for a couple of hours when it isn't financially necessary to do so. I want the baby and any subsequent children to have the same opportunities/experiences DD1 has. DP wants to try for another baby straight away, which I would too if I could stay home to raise them. Am I being unreasonable?

YANBU at all for feeling that way but YABU to have not come to an agreement before getting pregnant.

You are not being unreasonable in wanting to stay home to raise your children IMO the best way.

BUT

maybe you should of discussed this with your OH before you got pregnant?

Maybe you could come to a compromise and agree to go back to work when youngest starts school or something?

YANBU at all but I don't think I would have had children with a man who didn't feel the same as me about being a working/stay at home mum.

no way on earth would i work full time with little kids

its not fair on them at all

YABU, its not all about what you want unless you have the means behind you to financially support yourself.

If expecting another adult to pay for you whilst you choose not to work it has to be with their agreement. Maybe he believes you should both support the children rather than the old fashioned view that only the men should work.

They would both be supporting the children Happy

How does he expect you to work and have another child straightaway? Why put your DCs through upheaval when you will be going on maternity leave in the near future again?

Also, working full time and having three children...does he do his fair share with them?

If you can afford to SAH then I think hes either being greedy or doesnt know how hard being a SAHM is and thinks its laziness.

I hate to break it to your dp, but unless you're earning a fortune as a teacher, you'll find it difficult to break even with 2 dc currently and even worse with a third dc!

I don't think you could afford the child are, also I don't understand how it's going to work. Assuming he expects you to take maternity leave if you start trying or a new baby and you have a 4 week old, when are you meant o be getting this new job and working?

At what point did you discuss these things? I don't understand people who commit themselves to another person for the rest of their lives with something like marriage or children and don't actually talk about it.

It sounds like you haven't avtually got any qualifications at the moment. Sorry if I misunderstood but it reads like you dropped out of university to have DC1 and then again to have DC2, so it doesn't actually sound as if you could earn enough to cover full-time child care at the moment anyway.

It's a bit late to have the conversation with DP, but you will have to sit him down and show him how the finances work with full time child care and full time work.

Perhaps a compromise of a part-time job, a couple of evenings a week, would be a good idea? I did this and brought home far more than if I'd tried to pay for a nursery or child-minder during the day.

This should have been discussed before you were pregnant.

yabu to think that he should support you all.
maybe he wants to spend time with the children but has to work.
how about a comprimise of working part-time until the children are older?

yanbu for not wanting to, but you have to see his pov as well.

Does he know how much it would cost for your children. I where I am it has priced me out of looking for a job as we could not afford 2 part time and 1 before and after school care. Let alone the cost of an additional car with all it cost to get to work.

YANBU at all. I love SAH and am hopefully waiting till my youngest is at school, maybe even high school, before I go back to work. I went to work with DD1 and felt I missed out in some ways and was doing what society expected rather than what I wanted.
I would try to convince him how much you SAH will benefit the kids, you and him. Also show him how you wouldn't be much better off after childcare and would be miserable.

so, just to check, when he says go back to work, does he mean back to your degree or back to a job you were doing before? Are you in the South East? Unless you are earning around £30k near us, you won't even break even with childcare costs for 2 unless you've got family to do it for free. Have you looked at childcare costs? A 3rd DC would make childcare costs very, very high. Has he looked at the sums?

that said, I think 4 weeks is too early to be having such emotional conversations, can you agree to park it as a discussion until your DC2 is at least 6 months? (If you are on maternity leave from a job, that's the point you'd have to say if you are planning to come back after 8 months). And when you do have the dicussion, you'll do the sums re childcare costs near you verses your earning potential.

YABU to want him to do all out the house work and you to do the in the house role because that clearly does not work for your DP.

you need to find something that works for both of you. it doesnt have to be what he wants, maybe you cna meet in the middle & both work PT?

Op-I think you need to sit down with your dh and explain the financial implications of childcare for 3 dcs and also the practicalities.

He sounds as if he has completely unrealistic expectations.

Funny ideas on this thread about what constitutes a
partnership.Happymummyofone....

I think you would find it very hard going to work full-time with three small children. I know people do manage it. And the child minding or nursery fees would be huge. YANBU to prefer to stay at home. But you have to do what is practical and what you both agree to.

YANBU to not want to work

But YABU to have had a baby with someone who feels so differently to you without coming to an agreement first! It's not fair to force your DP into being the only breadwinner without his consent.

You would be spending a lot of your income on childcare. Anyhow if you are at home looking after children you do work full time.

Why does it have to be so black and white?

Why don't you work part time so that you can both work and spend a good amount of time looking after the kids.

Or get an evening job.

YABU to make this decision and just assume your DP will agree to it, or not have an opposing opinion.

You need to sit down with your DP and discuss both your expectations and do some financial calculations. You can't dictate 'this is how I feel and this is what I want', it needs to be more of a family decision. His opinion is as valid as yours.

YANBU to want to stay at home, you just might be unreasonable to expect you will get what you want.

I agree with Worra - YABU to have a child with someone without having this discussion.

YANBU to feel that you don't want to work, but YWBU to assume that you should definitely get your way.

There are a lot of people saying YABU for having a child without discussing this first. However that's exactly what the DP has done too, isn't it? There needs to be a compromise here, not anyone "expecting" things of the other.