To not want to work?

[jenrose29]

I have a 4.5 year old and a 4 week old. When I fell pregnant with DD1 I gave up a place at Cambridge University to stay home with her, my ex husband supported this and we spent the first three years of her life going to baby groups, the park, walking the dog, baking etc. We loved it :) When ex and I seperated I began a degree with the view of going into teaching when I'm done, I met DP with whom I have a 4 week old and I love him very much. However, though he wants more children, he expects me to work full-time. He earns well and could support us but is eager to have wages from us both coming in. At the moment I take DD1 to and collect her from school everyday, take her to lots of activities, to playdates etc and when baby gets a little older I want to give her the same childhood and attention DD1 had. I simply don't want children that I only see before/after nursery for a couple of hours when it isn't financially necessary to do so. I want the baby and any subsequent children to have the same opportunities/experiences DD1 has. DP wants to try for another baby straight away, which I would too if I could stay home to raise them. Am I being unreasonable?

YANBU to want to stay home with your young dc, I also loved being able to give time and attention to my dc when they were school-aged.

TBH I am not sure what he can actually do if you chose to stay home, it's not as if he can force you out to work or to apply for jobs, and if he earns well you aren't really going to suffer without your wage (in fact you probably might suffer more financially after the cost of childcare).

DH would have preferred it if I worked when we had dc but realistically there wasn't much available that fit in with commuting/childcare and was flexible enough to deal with sick days and take part in school life as well. So it may well be that your DP will have to accept being the breadwinner as working patterns and the current economy might dictate the circumstances more than his own preferences.

You have many years ahead of you when you can work full-time. Being a SAHM when your children are young won't make all that much difference to what you'll be contributing financially in the long term.

We did discuss it before having a baby. He loves how I have raised DD1 and has asked repeatedly that I do the same for baby and any subsequent children; however, he expects me to do that as well as work full-time which is impossible. I explained how much I wanted to stay home and he knows how much I do for/with the kids, teaching was kind of a compromise as I would still have the holidays off thus reducing childcare costs then. However, my friend is a teacher and I know she never gets to take her child to nursery, never gets to see the older childs sports days/assemblies etc, the children can't do activities after school, her evenings are spent planning rather than with her husband. All that and she barely earns more than the childcare costs. My daughter will start school in September and I'm going into my third year of a four year degree, baby will go to a childminder while I'm at Uni. DP doesn't want to work less; he has the career he's always wanted. He works shifts and when he isn't working he's on call so can't be relied on to help with the kids at all and we don't have family nearby to care for them either.

If you have a good family income already, why is he so keen for you to earn more?

Also, at present I pay for childcare, everything for DD1 and baby, food and some bills. I don't think he realises that if I worked full-time, even with one baby full-time in nursery and DD1 with childminding costs before/after school then I wouldn't really have any wages left so in fact we might be worse off and that's before any further children we have. I've tried explaining how much childcare costs but he seems to think it's my responsibility to pay it.

For a lot of people saying "I don't want to work" is akin to saying "I want to win the lottery". They just don't have any chance of doing it.

Doesn't almost every mum want to SAH rather than go to work?

Wouldn't most fathers do it too if they could?

I never understand these threads where someone states that they don't want to work, as if it's something unusual.

Sorry, I'm not helping I know. Just thinking aloud...

We don't have a good family income - he has a good income, our money is kept seperate.

Well tell him he might have to change to a job that falls in better for him being there to share the dropping kids off at school, one where they won't mind him taking time off work when they're ill etc. Also show him a rota for the equal division of chores, cooking, ironing, cleaning the loo, making up lunchs etc.

So, if I've read your second post correctly, you'd also be expected to do the pick-ups and drop-offs. How about the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing, gardening, general maintenance? Would he be prepared to do half of that?

He loves how I have raised DD1 and has asked repeatedly that I do the same for baby and any subsequent children; however, he expects me to do that as well as work full-time But that really is absolutely impossible! Of course I'm not saying you can't raise children well if you're working FT, but you can't take them to classes, the park, and bake with them as often as you would like to.

Has he said why he wants you to work? You say he can afford to support you all, but do you and he have differing expectations of what is a good standard of living? Sorry to mention this, but is he worried that he will be expected to support you financially if you split up?

What do you mean your money is separate. Tell him how much he will be paying toward childcare. It obviously won't all be coming from your possible future wage.

Neither of you are being unreasonable. You just have different views.

However, you should not bring a baby into the world unless this is all sorted out and agreed in advance. You really shouldn't.

In your shoes, I would also be discussing the finances and how the contributions from each of you work.

we do the one pot thing, but if that's not what works for you, then I really think an equal percentage of income into a family bank account is the fairest way.

He's sounding like a bit of a dick now. Why is your money separate? Why are you paying for childcare?

Ok, ShellyBoobs I'll re-phrase. AIBU to not want my children to be raised by people other than their parents? It isn't that I don't want to work ever, I would very much like a career hence working hard enough at my A Levels to get into Cambridge but not at the expense of raising my own children.

YANBU, he sounds pretty selfish- its all about what he wants, he wants you to work full time, he wants to try for another baby straight away, he doesn't want to work less. If your DC 2 is only 4 weeks and he wants to conceive a baby ASAP, you could potentially have two babies to look after and work full time, aswell as organising your eldest DD for school drops and pick ups. Will this be with any help from him or is his role just to worry about sorting himself out?

I've tried explaining how much childcare costs but he seems to think it's my responsibility to pay it. Good God. Has he explained why these costs would not be his responsibility?

How many children do you plan to have (if you do indeed plan them)?

What kind of work ethic do you want to communicate to your children?

Do you think that so done who has the potential to go to Cambrdge should waste their brain? If you are adamant about punctuating your day with nursery pickups, how do you propose to meet your full potential?

What did you do with your first child that he thinks is so amazing?

Find out how much childcare for three children will cost, then how much you will earn and show him the spreadsheet.

I imagine he'll be very happy for you not to work when your wages don't cover three children's childcare which is what I suspect will be the outcome.

Am I the only one who wonders why this dick is an improvement on the ex?

So according to your last post you pay for all child are, stuff for both kids, food and some bills. Your money is kept separate. He earns a good income. What does he pay for in the household, because your relationship sounds very unequal financially to me. Do you think he wants you to work ft so you don't have to use more of 'his' income to live on?

Because Rubirosa he is her step-father, not biological; she is my responsibility. Him changing jobs is not an option and even if I did work his would always be seen as more important and I'd have to take days off for poorly kids etc.

If your money is kept separate and you don't class it as family income, what do you live on? It seems very odd to have a baby with someone when you haven't sorted the basics. Even an accidental pregnancy gives you around 8 months to prepare.

YANBU to wish you could stay at home with your baby- as Shelleyboobs says, don't we all? However YABVU to expect him to financially support you all singlehandedly when that isn't what he wants to do. That's a big burden to put on someone. On the other hand, childcare is a cost that should be split, and if you both work full time then all childcare and household tasks should be split 50-50. You both seem to want to have your cake and eat it!

I'm astounded that she's putting up with the money being kept separate and his assertion that childcare costs are her responsibility.

YANBU
Childcare for two children is expensive so a lot of your earnings would go into that. You're raising his child and you want to do it in the best possible way,
He sounds very stingy to me.

Your baby is his biological child though, is he going to spend any of "his" money on her?

So he wants to maintain separate money, just so he doesn't inadvertantly buy his step daughter anything? What a weird attitude.