To not want to work?

[jenrose29]

I have a 4.5 year old and a 4 week old. When I fell pregnant with DD1 I gave up a place at Cambridge University to stay home with her, my ex husband supported this and we spent the first three years of her life going to baby groups, the park, walking the dog, baking etc. We loved it :) When ex and I seperated I began a degree with the view of going into teaching when I'm done, I met DP with whom I have a 4 week old and I love him very much. However, though he wants more children, he expects me to work full-time. He earns well and could support us but is eager to have wages from us both coming in. At the moment I take DD1 to and collect her from school everyday, take her to lots of activities, to playdates etc and when baby gets a little older I want to give her the same childhood and attention DD1 had. I simply don't want children that I only see before/after nursery for a couple of hours when it isn't financially necessary to do so. I want the baby and any subsequent children to have the same opportunities/experiences DD1 has. DP wants to try for another baby straight away, which I would too if I could stay home to raise them. Am I being unreasonable?

So, just to clarify, your dp wants you to have more children and for you to work full-time at some point in the future?

You're not talking about having to drop out of Uni now to work ft?

I'm a little confused that your career goal is teaching and yet you have dismissed childminding as a career option because it'll involve some planning in the evenings...?

What is your degree in OP, and what would you like to happen?

Would it be a case of spending the next two years finishing degree, having another baby then not working when it's finished? (Little confused by your posts - are you actually at Cambridge now?)

Sorry fairy what i meant was with some jobs there is no 'education' with regard to sharing the chores. It simply isn't possible. Therefore one of us has to to do everything and working full time isn't conducive for that. So DP has to accept i cannot work outside the home and his money becomes joint because essentially WE earn his wage and have the life/children he wants as he couldn't do it without me.

He sounds more and more like a dick.
You're looking after his DC who's only 4 weeks old and have another DC. You're at uni and studying while you look after two children. You do want to work at some point in the future, only not just yet. That's more than most people would be comfortable doing.
I think he doesn't deserve you.

What does turning down a place at Cambridge have to do with anything?!

He "wants" quite a lot, doesn't he? Its really a matter of mutual agreement between the two of you, if you don't need the money.

In general though, although I don't think its essential for a woman to work if financially she doesn't have to, its nice to have the qualifications/experience to be able to if you want to, or to have done it at some point and proved you can (to yourself at least).

"no way on earth would i work full time with little kids

its not fair on them at all"

What an awful thing to say.

OP yabu no to have discussed this before having children.

I might have missed something but if he won't pay for anything how are you living financially at the moment?!

YANBU to want SAH parenting for your children, it is perfectly reasonable to not want your children to be raised by a nursery worker.

YWBVU to assume that this should therefore mean you don't work - and he WBVU to expect not to have to share this very important job. If he wants more children and ISN'T a knob who is fully signed up to oppressive patriarchy, he should be willing to reduce his working hours to contribute towards SAH parenting, allowing you to divide your time between SAH parenting and your own career.

It is much healthier, and more benficial for equality in future generations, for children to see and be looked after by both parents than have a single "breadwinner" they hardly see and one SAH parent.

Op what happens when loans/savings run out?
Honestly why was this not sorted before you had the baby. I really don't get people who have no idea about their partners feelings in regards to things like this.

this all seems a bit odd.

so you discussed working etc before you decided to have a baby, clearly never reached any actual agreement over it, and then went ahead anyway? sounds as though you expected you'd win him round to your POV, but of course that hasnt happened.

and re I don't understand how I can be expected to work full-time, raise 3 (+) children pretty much singlehandedly whilst covering all childcare, plus other, costs well, try being a single parent, because that's our reality. and plenty of us don't have family either

you have a very narrow view of the world, being charitable I'll assume that's due to your age. your DP isn't willing to support you. In the circs if you can't persuade him, your options are to go back to paid work in some capacity, or if you really cant agree - then surely that will be the end of the relationship and you will have to separate. if the latter with all the changes that are going on to lone parent benefits you may find yourself having to return to work in any event!

Could people stop referring to childcare as having 'someone else raise your children'. It's so rude and offensive. Some people have to work, and some people want to work. When I send my baby to nursery later this year, they wont be raising him. They will be looking after him while I work, and his father and I will still be raising him either side of nursery hours.

You have a disgraceful attitude towards working mothers! It certainly doesn't mean nursery workers are 'raising' your children fgs!

Sometimes people change their minds-life evolve, values change and different stages in your life.

at present I pay for childcare, everything for DD1 and baby, food and some bills. I don't think he realises that if I worked full-time, even with one baby full-time in nursery and DD1 with childminding costs before/after school then I wouldn't really have any wages left so in fact we might be worse off and that's before any further children we have. I've tried explaining how much childcare costs but he seems to think it's my responsibility to pay it.

What on earth is going on here OP? I should suggest to him that it is a privilege for him to be taking your 4 year old into his life, not a duty, and that if he forces you to go to work against your will he is risking the future happiness of his family. He's well on the way to being a twat in my book.

You pool together as a family. You are a family, not a group of interested parties.

We are where we are now and I suppose the only practical thing is to work out where to go from here.

It sounds to me as though you don't actually want a career very much, if at all. Had you wanted one, you'd have gone out and built one rather than having two DCs before completing your first degree. It sounds as though you want to stay at home and let the man go out and do the earning while you busy yourself with childrearing and maybe the odd pin-money job during school hours.

That's fine, but the man in question has to be up for this deal. So the issue is really how to persuade your DP into something he doesn't really want to do. I think you need to talk to him about this properly and ask him for his solutions. The salient facts seem to me to be:

1. Your earning potential is low right now
2. You have two children now and potentially a third
3. Any paid employment you would be likely to obtain would not cover the costs of childcare

Put in those terms, the answer is simple.

I would however caution you that there are risks to the course you seem hell-bent on pursuing. You've got one failed relationship already, which significantly increases your risk (statistically speaking) of having a second failed relationship. At some point you are going to have to be able to provide for yourself.

You lot, can you stop having a go at the OP for not sorting it out before she had children with this man?
Maybe that had discussed it and had disagreed and she had an unplanned pregnancy. maybe they were in love to be blinded enough not to discuss it ahead. Either way it doesn't help that everyone keeps having a go at her for it. She just wants to know if she's BU because she doubts herself and she's starting to Elise that her DP is a twat

He wants you to have another baby then go to work and pay for childcare yourself.

So basically he is a selfish prick who wants to have his cake and eat it.

I strongly disagree with the posters who seem to think you are money hungry/lazy/want to be kept etc etc. He knew you already had DD when he got with you, and last time I checked it took two people to make a baby.

"he pays child maintenance" How freakin nice of him.

Sounds to me like he has no clue about how much work and money is involved with kids. I certainly wouldnt be having anymore until he steps up.

Totally agree with heads

So, this has all come as a bolt from the blue? You had no idea he would be expecting you to work? Can we therefore assume you didn't know he didn't say he would be happy to financially support you? Did you just assume?

Personally, I feel your posts are misleading. Your post title says it all "you don't want to work." Don't sugar coat it and pretend its for the sake of your children.

If all this is unmanageable already, may I suggest you don't have the third child?

TBF some people have posted pretty harsh things about the OP's decisions, believing that being a member of the 'real world' is represented by a payslip every month - i'm sure a lot of people in the world would like to be a paid up member of that 'real world'!

OP you need to ask him what he wants from his 'family' in the long term. What exactly is his motivation? Jealousy that he can't be a SAHD? Mean-spirited stingyness? Bad experience with ex that he doesn't want to repeat? Get to the bottom of this before you make decisions.

wannabe yes it does take two people to make a baby, does it just take one to pay for them?

No it takes two people to work together on paying for that child and find the best way to do that, that might not mean 2 people in paid employment.

If I didn't do the SAHM bit my DP would've been sacked by now- fact!

The baby's four weeks old FFS. Give the woman a break, she hasn't even had her full maternity entitlement yet.

This really fucks me off - if something does not have a monetary value it has no value!

Wow this thread has gone on a bit.
There is no need for the anti working mother feeling on here.
I just want to add to the mix that even when you do have a teaching qualification that is not a guarantee of a job.
I got my qualification and completed my NQT year before falling pregnant with my eldest therefore taught for 2 years. I gave up work with the full agreement of my DH my youngest is now about to start school. I can't find a teaching job in this authority or the surrounding 4. The idea of becoming a teacher and having the best of both worlds, working parent during termtime and stay at home parent in the holidays is not as achievable as people seem to think.