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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to work?

389 replies

jenrose29 · 01/07/2012 15:30

I have a 4.5 year old and a 4 week old. When I fell pregnant with DD1 I gave up a place at Cambridge University to stay home with her, my ex husband supported this and we spent the first three years of her life going to baby groups, the park, walking the dog, baking etc. We loved it :) When ex and I seperated I began a degree with the view of going into teaching when I'm done, I met DP with whom I have a 4 week old and I love him very much. However, though he wants more children, he expects me to work full-time. He earns well and could support us but is eager to have wages from us both coming in. At the moment I take DD1 to and collect her from school everyday, take her to lots of activities, to playdates etc and when baby gets a little older I want to give her the same childhood and attention DD1 had. I simply don't want children that I only see before/after nursery for a couple of hours when it isn't financially necessary to do so. I want the baby and any subsequent children to have the same opportunities/experiences DD1 has. DP wants to try for another baby straight away, which I would too if I could stay home to raise them. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Socknickingpixie · 04/07/2012 12:58

About turn here as well. He's being a twat but you are also allowing him to be one at serious detriment to you and your kids ergo you are being a twat.
If you live compleatly sepperate financial lives then why should he have to fund you being a sahm.
Tbh that's not what it sounds like it sounds like you pay for everything apart from rent and a few personal bills,you would be better off living apart till he learns that his child has just as much right as his other children to be provided for by him

whackamole · 04/07/2012 13:26

I bet he thinks it's a shame you didn't have twins (or more) as it would be 'more convenient' for when you go back to work Hmm

Honestly, jenrose, if my DH was in any way like yours I would have left by now.

I also don't get why a lot of husband's on this thread don't seem to know about childcare costs - do none of you discuss what sort of childcare you would like for the children before you went back to work, including the costs?

Viviennemary · 04/07/2012 16:00

OP. When you say you have been together for three years. Do you mean he left his wife three years ago or much more recently. This all sounds quite a worrying and not very secure situation for you. I still think he must be quite stressed at the thought of supporting two sets of children. And at least one stay at home partner.

higgle · 04/07/2012 16:03

Jen, the whole situation is far more complex than this thread discloses. It is clear from your other posts that this man is still married to someone else and has done nothing about a divorce. If you are living together now it is a very recent development and he has said you would be a perfect woman if you gave him a son! He also has very heavy financial commitments to his existing family, and has assumed responsibility for his present wife's debts although there seems to be no legal obligation for him to do so. The whole thing is a total mess and although a lot of people have given you very sound advice you do not really seem to want to listen to any of it.

I can't help but think that this relationship is doomed, but feel concerned about you and your daughters because you do not seem to have had the lifetime experiences that would enable you to know what a good relationship looks and feels like. In fairness it seems you have been able to talk at depth about some aspects of your life together, such as your daughter's name and the difficulties with his access to his other children - if you really cannot talk about the fundamental problems you are now worried about have you thought about joint counselling?

Hopefullyrecovering · 04/07/2012 16:49

I am sorry if my comments have seemed unsupportive. I literally cannot bear to see women making themselves so vulnerable, especially when they have all the potential not to be vulnerable - ie in possession of good health, brains and a work ethic. For me, being able to look after myself financially ranks right up there with being able to feed and wash myself. A priority. The world's an uncertain place.

Viviennemary · 04/07/2012 17:03

I'm sorry to Jenrose if my posts have been unsupportive. But you are young and have a good brain and two lovely children. This should be a happy time and you shouldn't be having all this angst.

Original poster
jenrose29 · 04/07/2012 21:37

I think I'm in agreement re: the me being a twat comments. He got a solicitors letter today (re: wife and kids he hasn't seen for several months)....he hid it and hasn't mentioned it :(

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 04/07/2012 21:40

Hes not being honest with you jen. Sounds to me like hes hiding money problems from you.

Gigondas · 04/07/2012 21:41

Oh Jen Sad - can I suggest you start a thread in relationships - maybe link to here for background. Sounds like there is s lot to think on about your relationship but a lot for you to take on board when dd is only 4 weeks old.

Gigondas · 04/07/2012 21:42

And do you have any real idea of what went on with ex, state of divorce?

Original poster
jenrose29 · 04/07/2012 21:51

She cheated. He sent a letter initiating divorce proceedings in March this year.

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 04/07/2012 22:32

FWIW I think you're amazing for doing a degree with a young dd and a new baby.

Also agree you should start a thread on relationships.

I don't feel good about your dp, he sounds very shifty, but no one can ever tell us they're wrong for us, we need to find out ourselves. I've made mistakes with relationships (and life) and had to find my own way which isn't easy but it's the only way we learn.

Gigondas · 04/07/2012 22:35

Agreed - why wait 3 years to divorce in that circumstance?

carernotasaint · 04/07/2012 23:00

So according to him she cheated and yet hes waited 3 years? im sorry but something doesnt ring true here.

Original poster
jenrose29 · 04/07/2012 23:00

He will go to any lengths to avoid conflict, his ex is very confrontational. He was seeing the kids (at the time) and didn't want to rock the boat by starting the divorce in case she stopped contact. She told him to take her to court if he wanted to see the kids; he hasn't. He only saw a solicitor and started divorce proceedings because I told him I was (beyond) fed up that I was seven months pregnant and he still hadn't made any attempt to show any committment to DD, the baby and I. I know it looks awful from the outside but I love him, DD loves him and I have his baby...

OP posts:
Original poster
jenrose29 · 04/07/2012 23:02

I know you'll all think I'm defending him and that I'm blinded by my feelings for him but there's really nothing shifty going on regarding why he and his ex split. She had several affairs, she sent him lists of the friends of his she'd slept with, she had another mans child - there's plenty of proof but he has always wanted to keep the peace because he knew that otherwise she would use the kids to get at him. Which she has.

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 04/07/2012 23:10

"she sent him lists of the friends shes slept with" Either the man has no backbone or hes lying to you.

CuriousMama · 04/07/2012 23:10

Ok well good luck with your life he does sound a good catch when you put it like that?

FutTheShuckUp · 04/07/2012 23:10

It sounds awful. You don't seem to value yourself at all and think you deserve better. It's very sad.

carernotasaint · 04/07/2012 23:12

have you seen this proof. I am NOT attacking you by the way it just seems a bit of an extreme situation and i dont know you but i dont like seeing people being taken advantage of.

carernotasaint · 04/07/2012 23:15

"she had another mans child" So this proof that youve seen must involve the papers of the DNA test thats been carried out.
Because unless hes had this done any child conceived in the marriage will be seen as his by law.

carernotasaint · 04/07/2012 23:23

I too think you deserve better jen. Sorry if my posts have come across as harsh.it wasnt intentional x

Original poster
jenrose29 · 04/07/2012 23:32

She has told me herself; she really is that horrid that she has no problem admitting what she did. Yes the child will be seen as my partners in law, particularly as his wife gave her his surname! And yes, I am 100% the baby isn't his before anyone says it.

OP posts:
WinstonWolf · 05/07/2012 00:16

I haven't read your other threads OP, but it sounds like you're in a bit of a messy situation [understatement], and your posts here suggest that you may be suffering from low self esteem.

If you're willing to listen to their wonderful advice I'm sure that the relationships board would be worth a visit to see how to work your way towards a happier and more stable future for you and your children.

WinstonWolf · 05/07/2012 00:23

Ok, I've just had a quick skim of some of your previous threads and I really think you'd have to be off your rocker to have another child with this man as things stand.

Whether you will be getting a job or not in a couple of years time is the least of your worries.

Perhaps it'd be worth revisiting some of your old threads, re-reading all of the advice that you have been given previously, and then starting a new thread in relationships for support?