To not want to work?

[jenrose29]

I have a 4.5 year old and a 4 week old. When I fell pregnant with DD1 I gave up a place at Cambridge University to stay home with her, my ex husband supported this and we spent the first three years of her life going to baby groups, the park, walking the dog, baking etc. We loved it :) When ex and I seperated I began a degree with the view of going into teaching when I'm done, I met DP with whom I have a 4 week old and I love him very much. However, though he wants more children, he expects me to work full-time. He earns well and could support us but is eager to have wages from us both coming in. At the moment I take DD1 to and collect her from school everyday, take her to lots of activities, to playdates etc and when baby gets a little older I want to give her the same childhood and attention DD1 had. I simply don't want children that I only see before/after nursery for a couple of hours when it isn't financially necessary to do so. I want the baby and any subsequent children to have the same opportunities/experiences DD1 has. DP wants to try for another baby straight away, which I would too if I could stay home to raise them. Am I being unreasonable?

X-post, you've pissed me off with your reply to Shelleyboobs. I work full time out of necessity, and I am absolutely raising my own kids. Sounds like you've had an easy ride so far, arsing about starting courses you'll never finish. Maybe you need a proper job to put you in touch with the real world?

ShellyBoobs, I don't think it Can be really likened to winning the lottery, in some circumstances it is a plausible option. I didn't want to return to my job after having my first DS. We lived in a 1 bedroom flat as property is pretty expensive in my area. We sacrificed the chance to move to a bigger property, went without quite a lot but it was what we wanted for DS. We were lucky to be able to choose this option but it was doable.

They are basically shacking up, which is a good reason for keeping their finances separate. They have not gone through the "for richer, for poorer" routine.

Childcare is about £900 per week per child for an under five. When a child is about school age you will be looking at £15 per school day and about £40 per day during the school holiday. If you factor in the costs of travel then you will have very little money left over if any.

Have you completed your degree? Prehaps you could think about possible jobs that you can do from home part time. Teaching invovles very long hours.

I think it can be quite stressful being the sole breadwinner. Prehaps a compromise is to be part time while the children are very young.

Child care

Sorry but you sound like you have a lack of ambition other than having a baby and being a kept woman. Why can you not work evenings/weekends like many people have to?
It really is beyond me in this day and age people seem to want to have it all handed to them on a plate either by men or the government.
Did you say you use/will use a childminder to go back to do your degree? Doesn't that mean by your reasoning you aren't 'raising your kids' yourself?

You need to talk to your DP and reach some compromise here - part time work, with him doing some of the picking up and fetching from nursery? He is being unreasonable to expect you to work if he does not pitch in with childcare properly. You are being unreasonable to expect that the kids you have with this DP can have exactly the same upbringing as the kids witih your ex husband.

Spot on fairyfriend

Goldenbear He comes to drop-offs on some days off but with him being on call so much and having to leave randomly, the kids are very much used to me doing everything.

ClaireBunting That family is more important than work? I wouldn't have had children if I cared more about myself and 'fulfilling my potential' than doing my best by them.

Softkittywarmkitty He pays the rent, his own bills and child maintenance. I don't use any of his income to live on.

fairyfriend says it all.

'I don't use any of his income to live on'
So what do you live on??

I think you need to sit down and create a spreadsheet of your joint inco
E and expenditure and then plan what to do
Your dp does sound very selfish

I can't understand why someone would bring a child into the world with someone who keeps their income to themselves in the first place. Did you think because he earned good money he would be a meal ticket to enable you to do what you want? Why wasn't all this sorted before having a baby together mind boggles icon

Sorry that should read income

If you live together how can he only 'pay his own bills'? What do you do about utilities like gas and electric that you all use - do you split the costs down the middle and pay half each? What about the DCs share of utilities - do you have to pay them as well, so he just pays for his own?

I can't understand his attitude towards your DD1 tbh. Surely if you're a step parent, that means treating any children not biologically yours as one of the family, as though they are yours?

I think that people need to be careful on this thread not to lay into the OP too much. She has a four week old baby and must be feeling tired and fragile. Prehaps the OP will feel ready to return to study or work when the baby is a little bit older. I know that this is "Am I being unreasonable" but OP does have feelings.

jenrose29 please ignore all these stupid commets about "fulfilling my potential". I imagine that you are still young and have plenty of time for both kids and career. Congratulations on your new baby.

Prehaps there is some kind of francise you could do. Ie. selling Usbourne books or there are various francises like dance classes for pre school children you could do.

Alot of working mums feel like this.

I work full time hours but in 3 days instead of 5, it leaves me knackered that with my husband doing his fair share around the house.

I find it a bitter taste when someone say I want to stay at home to raise my own children. So who raises my children ??????

we have seperate accounts and learnt the hard way that we need to plan who pays what etc.

It works, but like I said we learnt the hard way.

fairyfriend Exactly, you do it out of necessity. I don't see working solely to pay childcare bills as necessity, which I would effectively be doing. I haven't started any courses I haven't finished, actually. I'm going into my third year of my degree. I gave up my place at Cambridge (before I'd started) when I fell pregnant.

FutTheShuckUp He is on call/working evenings and weekends so no, I can't work then. I'm only at Uni 2 days per week for lectures, I do my assignments at home.

Any day time part time job I could do wouldn't earn us much (if any) more than the childcare costs and we wouldn't get tax credits to help with childcare because of how much he earns.

jenrose i feel for you. It is very frustrating. My DP is similar. He earns plenty to support me staying at home (which i am now) but despite all our conversations and agreements (i earn a very low wage and childcare costs would make me earn about £300 per month which i just don't think is worth it. Add a 2nd dc and it would be pointless) about once a month he says. What are you planning to do about going back to work?

Also DP will never be able to do any drop offs pick ups, childcare etc due to his career - which is not up for any kind of compromise.

So i have to calmly explain that 9 hour shifts for just over min wage in a call centre is not worth going back to.

I disagree with the poster who said most people would stay at home if they could. I have never met anyone else who would chose this over their job (they may wish for part time - but if it was either or would always choose working).

Then DP says 'can't you retrain to earn more' till i tell him that it would cost thousands for me to do that in fees and childcare. DP thought i would get full pay for the whole mat leave year, that childcare was free as would be going to college. He also seems to constantly suggest jobs to me that i am not qualified for - like why don't you be an electrician. Then refuses to believe i couldn't just do a free 6 week evening course to qualify (Erm it's as long as a degree and costs as much).

You cannot offer the childcare you want and work full time. That is it simply. Something would have to give.

Reallytired, we all have feelings. And someone having a dig at working mothers, suggesting they are not raising their own children, is very upsetting.
The OP has asked if she is being unreasonable. People are telling her that she is. (And in fact she has become more unreasonable as the thread's gone on, IMO).
She is an adult, she doesn't need you to hold her hand I'm sure.

"Childcare is about £900 per week per child for an under five"

per week??? I really dont think so!

Jen, you are part of the family too. It is important that you reach your full full potential - for you and your DCs. They are only little for a short time, and you have many years ahead of you when being able to earn a good income will be very important.

Where do you see yourself in 5/10/15/20 years' time?

Without knowing much about your age and stage, I would encourage you to prioritise getting your degree before committing to any more children. Having qualifications gives you options and opens doors. It will be easier to do your degree while you have access to a childminder.

I am not knocking SAHM-Dom. I spent several years as a SAHM myself. However, from my old age (47 :) ), I will say with confidence that the SAHM years diminish rapidly in their significance. It is very important, IMO and IME, to have a good plan for the years when you aren't so involved with your children because they add up to a lot of years.

I am fortunate to have a good academic qualification before my SAH years, and was able to slot back into my profession when I became unproductive at home and not valuing sports days and assemblies. Although DH earns about 3x my salary, my income gives us a lot of extras, such as private schooling.

You have to look at the bigger, long-term, picture.

fairyfriend I have savings/a student loan.

ReallyTired Thank you :) I was thinking of childminding but DP expects us to spend evenings together as we do now (I do my Uni work when he's in bed) and minding takes a lot of planning/preparation too which I think I'd struggle to do alongside a degree and 3 young children.

fut, OP clearly has different values to you- what is wrong with that? Some people could argue that is ill thought out to have a baby knowing full well you will put that baby into full time child care- this would be a stupid assertion but it is similar to suggesting people do not change their minds about child care once the baby arrives.