To not want to work?

[jenrose29]

I have a 4.5 year old and a 4 week old. When I fell pregnant with DD1 I gave up a place at Cambridge University to stay home with her, my ex husband supported this and we spent the first three years of her life going to baby groups, the park, walking the dog, baking etc. We loved it :) When ex and I seperated I began a degree with the view of going into teaching when I'm done, I met DP with whom I have a 4 week old and I love him very much. However, though he wants more children, he expects me to work full-time. He earns well and could support us but is eager to have wages from us both coming in. At the moment I take DD1 to and collect her from school everyday, take her to lots of activities, to playdates etc and when baby gets a little older I want to give her the same childhood and attention DD1 had. I simply don't want children that I only see before/after nursery for a couple of hours when it isn't financially necessary to do so. I want the baby and any subsequent children to have the same opportunities/experiences DD1 has. DP wants to try for another baby straight away, which I would too if I could stay home to raise them. Am I being unreasonable?

Right, jenrose. You are saying you don't need to work out of necessity. But your DP won't support you. I'm assuming you're not secretly rich? In which case, you will have to work out of necessity. The same as the rest of us!

I'm completely on your side. It must be really hard having to work full time and having kids. I would much rather be a SAHM. Can you say you would only agree to having more children if you worked 2 days a week or didn't go back at all.

Sorry, x-post! Well it doesn't matter then, does it? You can pay your way, so don't work!

Neither of you are being unreasonable as such.
You don't want to work, but you are assuming that your partner is happy to work full time to enable you to NOT work. You are both equal parents and should have sorted this out before deciding to have kids

DP expects us to spend evenings together as we do now (I do my Uni work when he's in bed)

He sounds rather controlling to me.

fairyfriend I wasn't having a dig at working mothers. All working mothers I know have family/friends who help out; we don't which I think makes it all the more important that they have more parental involvement.

ClaireBunting I'm 26 :) I will be able to complete my degree whether we have more children or not, it's just whether I use it immediately that is the question.

You do have to pay a student loan back- or will you expect your DP to do that because he has 'a good income'

But your children are in childcare two days a week already so do you think you are not raising them??

fairy i think it depends on your DP. If they can alter hours and share the work then yes i see what you are saying. But i grew up with a mum who worked full time (same hours as i do - 8.45-6.15). With an hour commute each side and no help from Dad. i was sent to Sat school all day to get me out of her way as she then had all the shopping and housework to do.

This is exactly what my life/our childs would be if i went back to work. As due to DP's job he would be away so much. So as DP does not want this life for our dc (as i do not) I will have to stay at home.

So i do have sympathy with you OP.

Sorry but he's really not coming off well:

He won't spend any of 'his' money on you or the children

He expects you to do your uni work while he gets his beauty sleep

It sounds like he wants all the perks of a family without it infringing on his lifestyle at all.

I think Yanbu.

Fut - student loans are only paid back once you're earning over a certain amount.

Agree with ilovesooty

I think you need to decide together if you are going to be a family now that you have a child together. A family is a team that raises their children together, with all money going onto the same pot and with no one caring about who earned what part of it.
Anything other than this would be a total deal breaker for me.
But take care of yourself first, your baby is very young and you have time yet.

tinkerbel72 I'm not assuming he's happy to work full-time, he is happy to work full-time and him having the career he loves impacts greatly on the kids and I. He isn't doing it to enable me not to work, he'd be doing it (and not being relied upon to help with the kids) whether I worked or not.

FutTheShuckUp The student loan is an option I have which I haven't had to use yet. My 4.5 year old daughter goes to a childminder for a few hours a week whilst I'm in lectures, so it's hardly comparable to being in childcare full-time.

he sounds like a selfish git tbh.

Yabu

Sahm is only feasible if both partners are in agreement.

Otherwise you are the female form of a cocklodger.

You should both be paying for childcare though, that doesn't just fall to you.

Jenrose, you may not have meant to have a dig at working mothers, but you certainly did!

Spuddybeank I don't get how your post can be directed at me. I said earlier in the thread, I believe both parents should split childcare and household chores down the middle. If someone chooses to have a child with a man that doesn't think like this, then my advice is to educate him pretty sharpish or leave him! I quite simply wouldn't put up with it!

Even if he loves his work, it doesn't mean he wants to be sole earner. I love my work- it doesn't follow that I want dh to down tools tomorrow and tell me he's not going to work. It sounds like you have a fixed view of how you want things, and expect him to fall in with your view

Why do you think you are entitled to stay at home? Why do you think your partner should foot all the household bills etc? This really should have been discussed before having a child. Did you think he would suddenly change his mind once you had a child? You should keep your financial independance, you should complete your degree and l

I think EnormaSnob sums it up nicely. This is a JOINT decision. You are treating him - an equal adult and parent- as though he has no rights on the issue

jenrose29 ive pmed you.

I think they're both guilty of treating each other as though their way is the only way, but I'm still gobsmacked at his belief that the childcare costs should be hers and her assertion that he isn't resposible for her eldest daughter as she isn't his child. I agree with whoever upthread said they need to decide if they're a family unit or not.

I could technically afford to support us on my salary, but I wouldn't be pleased if DH said he didn't want to work anymore. Being the sole breadwinner is a LOT of responsibility, and where would it leave him when the kids left home?

In practical terms, I second the spreadsheet of total income/outgoings. When you sit down and talk about the facts, you might come up with some very good suggestions together. Failing that, he will see what the barriers are.

I don't get this: the man expects the OP to do all the housework, all the childcare, sit adoring him every evening and hold down a full time job even though there would be no net financial gain from her doing so? Does he not understand either basic maths or basic physics, such as the impossibility of having more than 24 hours in a day?

I wonder if it's not so much about the man wanting you to have a paid job, Jenrose, as about him liking to bully you and convince you that you are a bad person and whatever you do is not enough.

fairyfriend In this case, I apologise. What I was trying to point out was that if DC don't have me at home then effectively they will be raised by nursery workers as DP works so much and we have no family and friends to help out. DP cannot share childcare because of his job.

Victoria3012 It's not that I expect him to pay for everything; I don't understand how I can be expected to work full-time, raise 3 (+) children pretty much singlehandedly whilst covering all childcare, plus other, costs.