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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to work?

389 replies

jenrose29 · 01/07/2012 15:30

I have a 4.5 year old and a 4 week old. When I fell pregnant with DD1 I gave up a place at Cambridge University to stay home with her, my ex husband supported this and we spent the first three years of her life going to baby groups, the park, walking the dog, baking etc. We loved it :) When ex and I seperated I began a degree with the view of going into teaching when I'm done, I met DP with whom I have a 4 week old and I love him very much. However, though he wants more children, he expects me to work full-time. He earns well and could support us but is eager to have wages from us both coming in. At the moment I take DD1 to and collect her from school everyday, take her to lots of activities, to playdates etc and when baby gets a little older I want to give her the same childhood and attention DD1 had. I simply don't want children that I only see before/after nursery for a couple of hours when it isn't financially necessary to do so. I want the baby and any subsequent children to have the same opportunities/experiences DD1 has. DP wants to try for another baby straight away, which I would too if I could stay home to raise them. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
hairytale · 01/07/2012 19:21

I don't think the dp wants the op to go back to work now (unless I've misunderstood) but later on?

wannabedomesticgoddess · 01/07/2012 19:24

The man isnt paying for them. He pays maintenance when infact they live in his house. He has no intention of paying childcare if she goes to work.

OP it sounds like you are basicaly a single parent. If I was in your position I would make it official.

hairytale · 01/07/2012 19:24

Can I just point out that nursery workers don't raise children, that would be like saying teachers do from age 4!

thekidsarealright · 01/07/2012 19:30

That's what I thought hairy

I understand one parent staying at home is often the answer but surely it has to be mutually agreeable? Doesn't sound like he's happy for her not to work - it's not her divine right to do what she likes. Labelling him a "selfish prick" and the fail safe mn statement of "controlling" (seemingly because he wants to spend his evenings with his wife - what a bastard) is just ridiculous!

Like a previous poster asked, what have you done with your first child that your partner is so in awe of that means you staying at home with the babies for the foreseeable future? Things change, not sure anyone can give their 2nd/3rd etc child the same time they gave their first - working or not.

Goldenbear · 01/07/2012 19:30

It is quite apparent what the OP means.

RubyFakeNails · 01/07/2012 19:30

I literally cannot understand what is going on in this thread. I posted earlier but its moved on, can someone help me out?

Is this correct:

OP is working on a teaching degree
She has an older DD and a new baby with this guy
Her current DP does not pay for anything for her and the baby (WTF?!)
He won't pay for anything for his step-daughter
He expects her to get pregnant again soon
He expects her to work to pay for childcare for the 2 and possibly 3 children
He will not be able to help out at all with drop offs etc because of his job

Can I ask, what is he going to do when your wages only cover childcare (putting aside drop off and parenting style issues), will he then pay for your food, his step-daughters food the babies food, what about the bills and living costs, will he see you financially ruined or when will he act?

I understand some couples like to keep their own money but surely thats after a combined effort for their shared bills and their shared children (which your older dd is).

kuros · 01/07/2012 19:31

OP, YANBU as far as I can see. When you met your DP, you had a young child and you had made good progress with starting a degree. It is reasonable to assume that it would take a year or two longer to complete your degree so he would not expect you to suddenly get a fulltime job. In the meantime you got pregnant with his child and most working mothers would agree it is now reasonable to take off at least 6 months, possibly a year to look after this baby, who is currently 4 weeks old. Particularly as your DP will not commit himself to taking any real responsiblility for the child due to his work commitments and you have no family to help.

You are obviously very young and have assumed financial responsibility for you, your 1st child and now the child you have with your DP. You absolutely need to keep on track with your studies so you get professional qualifications in the short to medium term.

Your DP wants you to work fulltime, get pregnant now when you have a 4 week old baby. He wants you to take fulltime responsibility for 3+ children and doesn´t even see chidcare costs as half his responsibilty. He seems incredibly mean-spirited (and possibly much older than you??) and I would concentrate very hard on studying hard to become financially independent. Having another child with him could only make a very bad situation worse.

Goldenbear · 01/07/2012 19:32

It is quite natural to want to give your children the same.

fedup2012 · 01/07/2012 19:38

thekidsarealright are you a man?

thekidsarealright · 01/07/2012 19:40

fedup2012 No....I knew some idiot would think that though. Was I not "feminist" enough? Hmm

GoranisGod · 01/07/2012 19:42

People who are happy with their choices in life dont feel the need to berate others for their choices.

May I remind some posters that op has just had a baby 4 weeks agoHmm

Op-I have had this same discussion with my dh. He didnt realise that chilcare costs so much. We have 3 dcs and it is not financially to our advantage for me to return to work.

Well done on continuing with your degree.

I can only assume that there are a lot of posters on this thread withEnvy faces...

Otherwise why the vitriol?

tinkerbel72 · 01/07/2012 19:51

I don't know why you think people are Envy. The op sounds like she has a rubbish relationship where there is no communication.

The point many of us are making is
A) there is no god given right for any adult to say they don't want to work
B) the op has a god awful attitude to working mothers and seems to believe we don't raise our children

GoranisGod · 01/07/2012 19:55

And the working mothers seem to think that sahm arent fulfilling their potential. Dont dish it out if you cant take it ...

Op is doing a degree so is obviously looking to pursue a career in the future-hardly sounds workshy to me.

DontmindifIdo · 01/07/2012 19:56

I would say that you will go to work full time if he will cover the full costs of childcare for his child and do either drop off or pick up each day you work. He will also have to do 50% of all housework, including getting everything ready for nursery etc. If he can't do this, then you aren't able to work, he is also your child's parent, not just you, so if you are both working full time you are both responsible for your DC. If he wants you to work, then he also wants to take on half the responsibility. If you are also studying as well as working, then you should have 50% of evenings and weekends to do that - so he can take both DCs out leaving you alone to study all day on either Saturday or Sunday.

I bet actually what he wants is you to do 100% of all care and close to 100% of housework and for him to not actually have to do or pay anything.

GoranisGod · 01/07/2012 19:58

That exactly what he wants dontmind. Yet op is being made to feel bad that she is not willing to go along with thisHmm

AThingInYourLife · 01/07/2012 20:03

You would be very unwise to give up your training or stop working while you are living unmarried with a finically abusive, controlling man.

kuros · 01/07/2012 20:03

Bizarre isn´t it.. imho, some posters are jealous that somebody can even entertain the idea of not working as a life choice. Because very few mothers have the luxury of this choice nowadays.

snoopyplaystennis · 01/07/2012 20:09

Oh ffs Kuros, being a sahm is not the same as not working, its a lot of bloody work actually or do you think that nurseries, childminders and nannies have it easy.

This is just another battle og the wohm and sahm. Why don't you all put your defensiveness aside and answer the op in a nice, practical way.

LittleLucifer · 01/07/2012 20:11

OP - how on earth do you have the savings to pay for all that? Are you getting tax credits? Are you 'officially' living together?

Goldenbear · 01/07/2012 20:30

Or some people are so imaginative that they only deem work to be something you get paid for!

Goldenbear · 01/07/2012 20:31

'unimaginative' not 'imaginative'.

kuros · 01/07/2012 20:31

Snoopy, (Goldenbear?):

I didn´t intend to cause offence. I´ve picked up on the words in the OP.

You tell other posters to put their defensiveness aside but should also look at yourself before you attack a SAHM - ME! I do look on what I do as work whatever others may think. You are preaching to the converted!

But yes, it is always depressing that this type of post always boils down to the same boring stalemate.

I wish the OP would look in as I am concerned for her welfare. As I said in a long post earlier, she is NBU but in her position I would be doing everything I could to qualify in a chosen profession and get into (well paid) work as fast as possible.

snoopyplaystennis · 01/07/2012 20:36

You are right Kuros, I was also feeling defensive. It is just a shame that everyone ends up feeling defensive on these threads instead of supporting each other. WOHM or SAHMs generally are all doing the best they can and most work very hard to provide the best possible lifestyle for their kids.

I am also concerned about this OP as her dp is either woefully misinformed or incredibly selfish. It is also seems rather sad for the eldest dc. You are either a family unit or you are not and his attitude sounds some large warning bells to me.

ReallyTired · 01/07/2012 20:53

"nd re I don't understand how I can be expected to work full-time, raise 3 (+) children pretty much singlehandedly whilst covering all childcare, plus other, costs well, try being a single parent, because that's our reality. and plenty of us don't have family either hmm"

Well a single parent doesn't have a cocklodger to look after as well.

Whether the OP decides to look after her kids herself or pay someone else to look after them and work she will not be a lady of leisure.

I don't think that OPs should have another baby until she sorts out her relationship.

kuros · 01/07/2012 20:53

Hi Snoopy, Yes, that´s what I think.. I can´t help but see the worst case scenario..

There is nothing worse than seeing a woman with 3 or 4 very young children in a failing relationship where they have no family support, no money, no education and no job. Because when you get to this point you just don´t have the luxury of choice. In this situation you tend to put your children first and stay with the man till the kids are older until child care costs are no longer an issue and you have time to think... And there is a certain type of man who seems to engineer his personal life to bring this about and to encourage his wife to become dependent. I don´t know if this is the case here, with the OP, but alarm bells are also ringing in my mind and I wouldn´t trust this man.

As a woman, I think you can only become a SAHM if you have absolute trust in your partner and probably also the legal protection of marriage. You need to share an outlook on the world, have a similar relationship to money, share a mutual respect for your respective roles and probably have a career to fall back on if, human nature being what it is, things go pear shaped anyway.

OP, apologies if I am out of order.