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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give bj to dh when I don't feel like sex?

162 replies

bushymcbush · 30/06/2012 22:11

Let me make it clear now, my DH doesn't expect or even ask me to do this. I am asking this because I have noticed on a couple of relationships threads that some women 'service' their DPs in this way when they don't want sex themselves.

I have a real problem with this concept. Oral sex is as much a sex act as intercourse is to me. If I perform oral on my DH, it is part of a mutually satisfying experience - I do it to him because I am horny and it gives me pleasure to give him pleasure, iyswim. And I will get my just desserts too Wink

The idea of all these women giving cold bj's to their partners, not for their mutual enjoyment but just to stop him pestering them, fills me with horror tbh.

Is it just me?

OP posts:
ByTheSea · 30/06/2012 22:11

I couldn't agree with you more.

nizlopi · 30/06/2012 22:12

I agree with you completely. I wouldn't give my husband head as some fucking runner up prize, and he wouldn't want me to anyway.

GoodButNotOutstanding · 30/06/2012 22:13

YANBU. I don't understand it either. I don't give bjs ever because I don't enjoy it and dp is quite happy with this (as he should be) as he doesn't want me to feel pressured into anything I don't want to do.

MadamFolly · 30/06/2012 22:16

I do sometimes, its not that DP would bother me but more I can't be arsed for sex bot want to do something nice. Usually he reciprocates and we both go to sleep happy, other times I'm not in the mood but still want to please him.

Part of it is guilt cos we currently live apart and don't see each other much so I want to give him as much as I can in the time we have.

TheCountessOlenska · 30/06/2012 22:17

I would never do anything sexual unless there was an orgasm for me at the end of it.

CardgamesFTW · 30/06/2012 22:17

"Oral sex is as much a sex act as intercourse is to me."

Agree 100%. Stimulating genitals = sex
And thinking that you have to service your DP like that is just wrong :(

MissPants · 30/06/2012 22:17

YANBU, what an awful thought. Although I do tend to sometimes give my DH a wee treat when its my time of the month but I enjoy it as it builds tension for me and makes me look forward to 'the real thing' when I can again Wink

boredandrestless · 30/06/2012 22:18

YANBU

pinkpyjamas · 30/06/2012 22:19

YANBU.
Luckily I married a grown up. He doesn't need to be 'serviced' (shudder!) to 'tide him over'.
He's an equal partner in our relationship, not some demanding pet who needs to be pandered to for fear of him wandering off and bothering the neighbours for titbits.

bringmesunshine2009 · 30/06/2012 22:19

YaNBU. If I CBA, then I CBA. End of.

Springforward · 30/06/2012 22:20

YANBU.

LeoTheLateBloomer · 30/06/2012 22:20

Absolutely totally agree. And fortunately my OH would as well (my ex wouldn't but that's another story...)

Alurkatsoftplay · 30/06/2012 22:21

If DH is not up for it, I get him to give me oral sex instead

(not really)

Yanbu

chipsandmushypeas · 30/06/2012 22:23

Yanbu. If I'm not in the mood, the last thing I want to do is suck my DP off. I have to be in the mood for anything sexual.

Trebuchet · 30/06/2012 22:23

I think it's fine, I do it occaisionally. Our sex life is fine and fun but once in a while I think its ok. Sometimes in a relationship I think its ok to do things for each other even if you don't much feel like it. DH rubs my poor mangled foot every night even when he's probably sick of the sight of it. Neither of us do these things with an air of penitance or martyrdom but with love, just wanting to do nice things for each other.

DamselInTornDress · 30/06/2012 22:26

Vanity can be a beautiful thing.

I possibly should have name changed for this but meh!

My MIL showed me an article about a magazine editor's face lift. Part of the proceedure was spinning the protein out of blood to apply to the face after dermarollering. So I got on google and discovered that sperm is great for the skin too. What were those milk baths Cleopatra took?!

So, when I'm not feeling sexy my DP still get's a release while I have a beauty treatment. Wink

It's win-win.

Having said that, YANBU. No one should do what they don't want to do. He can and should take himself in hand instead of predating on you.

CardgamesFTW · 30/06/2012 22:32

"DH rubs my poor mangled foot every night even when he's probably sick of the sight of it"

But that's not really the same thing is it. I never hear about men feeling forced to orally service their female partners when they're not inte mood. Even if all the female juices are probably good for their skin.

EdithWeston · 30/06/2012 22:35

To me it's simple - it's about the mutual giving and receiving of pleasure.

So YANBU - it's done either when you are actively keen on the idea, or if you are in a frame of mind when you don't mind and are happy to give him pleasure. But that doesn't extend to a time when you do mind, or actively don't want to.

Bukkakegirllovebigcock2 · 30/06/2012 22:37

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

nightowlmostly · 30/06/2012 22:37

I saw a couple of friends recently, and confided that I'd not been up for sex since the birth of my baby about 2 months previously. They were shocked, and asked if I'd been performing sexual favours!

I thought about this afterwards, that maybe I should have been giving BJs or handjobs or something. But really, I wasn't feeling sexy at all, and I had enough on my plate without being a sexual bloody servant as well! I really don't think DH would expect me to perform under those circumstances anyway, he hasn't pestered me at all.

In general, I don't tend to do this if I'm not in the mood, I wouldn't enjoy it if I wasn't turned on too. It's not the same as making him a cuppa, is it?!

DamselInTornDress · 30/06/2012 22:37

Touche! I've never known a man to turn oral sex on his partner down either. But maybe that's got more to do with the men I've known and not that some men do actually turn that offer down.

Charliefox · 30/06/2012 22:40
RandomNumbers · 30/06/2012 22:45

Goodness me, TREBUCHET, there's a blast from the past, not seen you round for aaaages, how you doin'? (namechanger from aeons ago here)

Original poster
bushymcbush · 30/06/2012 22:45

Damsel - those men who would never turn down an invitation to give their partner oral sex would be doing it for mutual enjoyment ... which is kinda my whole point ...

OP posts:
DamselInTornDress · 30/06/2012 22:57

I'm in agreement with you on that.

I have never liked giving bjs. Could easily do without giving them if men didn't like them so much, if truth be told. But, I do it because I know my partner likes it. I've never met a man who didn't like it. The turn on for me comes from giving my partner pleasure. That's why I do it. I like to give because he is such a caring and thoughtful lover when it comes to me and what I enjoy. I don't give them so he wont pester me. I would hate for him to not pester me Wink but then again, we are sexually matched. We both have roaring libidos. We can't put each other down.

With my ex husband, sex was no more than servicing him and bjs were as rare as hens teeth. I blamed it on being tired, raising children etc when truth was, we were mismatched and in a relationship that wasn't good for either of us, but the children....

Never again!