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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give bj to dh when I don't feel like sex?

162 replies

bushymcbush · 30/06/2012 22:11

Let me make it clear now, my DH doesn't expect or even ask me to do this. I am asking this because I have noticed on a couple of relationships threads that some women 'service' their DPs in this way when they don't want sex themselves.

I have a real problem with this concept. Oral sex is as much a sex act as intercourse is to me. If I perform oral on my DH, it is part of a mutually satisfying experience - I do it to him because I am horny and it gives me pleasure to give him pleasure, iyswim. And I will get my just desserts too Wink

The idea of all these women giving cold bj's to their partners, not for their mutual enjoyment but just to stop him pestering them, fills me with horror tbh.

Is it just me?

OP posts:
NellyBluth · 01/07/2012 15:13

Camel, I see where you are coming from with non-penetrative orgasms during periods, but its not always possible/comfortable to do anything that could lead to an orgasm while having a period. I bleed very heavily, I am not comfortable with DP being anywhere near my nether region when I am on. Nor do I find having an orgasm whilst wearing a tampon comfortable or enjoyable.

In fact, I'm half-intrigued what you are up to Blush

yellowraincoat · 01/07/2012 15:16

Anyway, like I said before, I think we can talk about how bad porn is til the cows come home - it's not going away any time soon. We can still argue against it, but what I think would be more useful would be instilling confidence in women, especially young women, giving them positive examples to follow so that they know that what they want in bed is fine. And that they don't have to do stuff that they don't want to. There are SO many women and girls who feel they have to be a certain way and I believe it comes down to lack of confidence. And that is shit.

There are plenty of nice decent men out there who don't expect anything and don't put pressure on women.

CaramelTree · 01/07/2012 15:16

Nelly, I have the same kind of sex whether I have my period or not. I have done in every relationship I have been in. I wouldn't have sex if I had period pains though.

I think the bit I wasn't understanding was people being turned on but not wanting to have an orgasm. I've never been in a relationship with somebody like that, so it is interesting to me and I wonder if those people are more sensual.

yellowraincoat · 01/07/2012 15:19

It's not period pains that kill it for me, my vagina really bloody hurts if I have sex when I'm on my period.

DamselInTornDress · 01/07/2012 15:19

Carmel, yes, you've pretty much got how it is with us. Our sex drives are pretty much evenly matched. And it is switched up on high. We're almost 100 in combined ages, so no spring chickens either. I'm still a few years away from menopause, and am dreading that it may effect our sex life.

Empusa · 01/07/2012 15:20

"He wanks to completion (TMI?) I use the by product as a beauty treatment"

Wait.. what?

OP YANBU, if you don't feel like it then that's that surely?

Krumbum · 01/07/2012 15:20

I do think a person can be degraded by a person and enjoy it yes. That doesn't make it right. People get used to being oppressed. There's lots of ways in which women are oppressed that many would claim to like.
Many people like the feeling of being wanted, of someone wanting them so much they don't care about respecting them. This isn't a good thing, but it happens.

RubyFakeNails · 01/07/2012 15:21

In regards to the period sex. I can achieve orgasm without penetration and its not just the bleeding, in the first few days I have a very heavy painful period, then it is light and pain free so I imagine I could achieve orgasm and sometime during this part I can get a bit horny.

But when I have myh period I feel fat and bloated. I never feel clean (have 3-4 showers per day during period), my chin gets all sorry, my hair gets greasier, I sweat a lot more. The last thing I feel is sexy. So even though my dh is fine with having sex during my period I don't want him to touch me in that way.

And yes to caramels other question, giving a bj turns me on abut, but I can happily then go to sleep or walk away, I don't feel I need to then achieve orgasm. Maybe that isn't normal but when I talk about this with some of my friends they can just give a bj or say a handjob and leave it at that.

NellyBluth · 01/07/2012 15:22

I think there's possibly be a level of being 'turned on' which is about enjoying the sexual thrill, enjoying the intimacy, but not feeling a need to orgasm yourself. As others have said during the thread, pleasuring my DP gives me a real pleasure and is something I enjoy and, though the pleasure is naturally sexual as we are involved in a sexual act, it doesn't leave me wanting to orgasm myself. Does that make any sense?

(Ps - sorry for getting your username wrong!)

DamselInTornDress · 01/07/2012 15:22

Yellow, mine too! In the beginning we tried gentle sex, but I'm too dry for sex anyway during a period.

Empusa, google sperm cream Grin

RightBuggerforit · 01/07/2012 15:22

NellyBluth - you made a totally incorrect assumption in saying that my viewpoint 'rests entirely on knowing that you personally wouldn't enjoy giving a bj if it wasn't part of reciprocal sex'. I have no idea why you would think that from my post, and that's not the case at all, I love giving a blowjob, but only when I'm in the mood. Like any other kind of sex, it just isn't something I would do as a favour or a compromise instead of another form of sex (penetrative, for example) that I felt even less like doing at the time. I think it's just horrible that any kind of sex should take place when not both of the couple feel like having it.

If I was horny and dh wasn't but he offered me cunnilingus just to satsfy me when he wasn't in the mood, I would say ew, no thanks! Who would want that?! I'd sort myself out or go without. It's never nice or ok to involve someone in sex unless they feel like being involved imo.

yellowraincoat · 01/07/2012 15:25

And what about the second question, Krumbum? If she genuinely doesn't feel it's a degrading act?

Because there's some who'd argue that even a BJ is degrading or PIV or whatever. That's why it's sort of hard to draw a line and say "that's degrading, that's not degrading".

Empusa · 01/07/2012 15:26

Damsel I'm sure that's on the list of things never to google Grin

CardgamesFTW · 01/07/2012 15:27

How many here have a guy who will happily give them a hand/lickjob and then just go to sleep, no getting an orgasm himself?

DamselInTornDress · 01/07/2012 15:31

Cards, my man does. He calls it edging himself.

And that's enough discussion about my sex life from me for one day. I'm off to cook a roast for my gang.

RubyFakeNails · 01/07/2012 15:31

Cardgames my dh does this.

Angelico · 01/07/2012 15:38

OP of course YANBU declining to perform any kind of sex act if you don't feel like it. But it does shock me that I know women who 'have to' do this. One in particular is married to a total cock who used to insist that he got a BJ if she wanted to go out with the girls for the night :( To me it was totally abusive but she (intelligent, educated, professional) never seemed to see it that way Confused

Krumbum I do think it's an interesting point you raise about changing expectations because of a generation of guys with porn on tap. I'm mid-thirties but for a teen guy to get porn he still had to buy it from the top shelf when I was at school. Read a very interesting news article a while back about clinical psychologists seeing more and more young guys (early twenties) who are having real problems with relationships and sex because they are too familiar with porn images and have no concept of what 'real' women and 'real' sex are like. They expect every woman to have pneumatic, baseball shaped bosoms, no pubes and streams of 'cum' trickling down them Confused It would be funny if it wasn't so sad - it was destroying their ability to have real relationships. A lot of them found they only got aroused by porn.

NellyBluth · 01/07/2012 15:46

Rightbugger - I can and do take DP up on an offer like that!

Apologies if I read your post wrong, that was just an impression I was left with. What I was trying to get at was that just because you and your OH are not comfortable with this scenario doesn't mean that it is completely degrading for anyone who does. As you say, "it's never nice or ok to involve someone in sex unless they feel like being involved" - but lots of women 'feel like being involved' via giving their OH some form of sexual pleasure even when they don't want to receive similar pleasure themselves at that particular moment in time.

I'm with yellow: what is and isn't "degrading" for an individual varies completely for each couple.

Birdsgottafly · 01/07/2012 15:55

"How many here have a guy who will happily give them a hand/lickjob and then just go to sleep, no getting an orgasm himself"

I don't like oral sex, but he will accomodate me, in other ways, usually when we've had a night out and he has had to much to drink.

The situation hasn't ever occured without drink, except for after sex when i still want to carry on having orgasms, i demand a least a few.

Serendipity30 · 01/07/2012 16:29

I told my P that when he is willing to do the same for me I will gladly return the favor, that shut him up

localcrackpot · 02/07/2012 03:46

I can't help thinking that going along with such a demand from a H when you're not in the mood would be negative reinforcement in a way - he doesn't have to get you in the mood, you're just a marriage-bought sexual vending machine. He wouldn't be more inclined to think of you when you're in bed together another time.

Original poster
bushymcbush · 02/07/2012 16:17

Good point local. sexual vending machine -

OP posts:
Clawdy · 02/07/2012 16:59

I read that most women don't particularly like giving head. My aunt who was an ardent sixties women's libber said she can't believe after so many years of feminism,girls are now expected to do things men used to have to pay for!

NellyBluth · 02/07/2012 16:59

OP, were you ever actually interested in a discussion? No problems if not, just a little confused as to why you posted in a discussion thread.

Sexual vending machine and negative reinforcement are pretty strong terms to use. So all of the posters on here who have said that they give their DPs bjs, without having sex, as part of their general sex life are nothing more than vending machines? Are we all automatically in sexually abusive relationships, merrily ignoring the red flags or something?

local, I'm not sure I understand your last sentence - is there a word missing, or are you saying that giving your DP bjs means he is not going to be thinking/fantasising about you when you are in bed together?

CogPsych · 02/07/2012 18:40

Lots of men think it feels better (physically) to climax whilst still inside the mouth, i don't think many of them would say that all orgasms are equal. I've heard men complain that their other halves have started to stop the BJ just as they climax and say it's lessened the experience for them.

Every woman has the right to do what they want to do sexually, but every man has a right to leave you for someone who will do it, too. There's give and take. I'm sure many of us would have ended a relationship if it didn't meet our sexual needs, and if the relationship is important to you then sometimes compromise is necessary.

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