To not give bj to dh when I don't feel like sex?

[bushymcbush]

Let me make it clear now, my DH doesn't expect or even ask me to do this. I am asking this because I have noticed on a couple of relationships threads that some women 'service' their DPs in this way when they don't want sex themselves.

I have a real problem with this concept. Oral sex is as much a sex act as intercourse is to me. If I perform oral on my DH, it is part of a mutually satisfying experience - I do it to him because I am horny and it gives me pleasure to give him pleasure, iyswim. And I will get my just desserts too

The idea of all these women giving cold bj's to their partners, not for their mutual enjoyment but just to stop him pestering them, fills me with horror tbh.

Is it just me?

I never saw a porn movie until I was 32 (tru fact). But I know what I like and what I really want.

I should have been clearer,
I'm 23 and I'm talking more about the immense pressure that women my age and younger get from men that swallowing is expected and normal and women are told they are bad in bed if they don't do everything they can to please the guy sexually. I think it is majority young men who have seen a lot of porn and women who now think that's how they must behave. So few men willing to perform oral sex on a woman ( and women internalising this, a disproportionate amount conveniently 'not liking it') and give men only what they want sexually, women's sexuality being secondary. I am the only young woman I have ever spoken to that never fakes orgasms .

But Krumbum how do you know what women really want? You just can't.

Is there even that much of a prevalence? I've never been with anyone who expected it at all.

"women are told they are bad in bed if they don't do everything they can to please the guy sexually"

Honey, dodgy selfish men have been coming up with that line since time immerorial. In my day (old gimmer) it was telling the girl she was frigid if she didn't do what he said. Any man who comes out wioth that shite doesn't deserve five mionutes of any woman's time. However, that doesn't mean that you can't enjoy certain acts.
It's not about women's sexuality being secondary- any more than it's secondary to a man's pleasure to GIVE oral sex. Watching someone you fancy having fun can also be a turn on.

From the small amount of porn I have seen the women never swallow without it being shown the man has orgasmed over her in a visual way first.
I actually feel quite powerful giving my DH a bj and swallowing and it does turn me on but I know many for my friends either don't like giving bjs at all and most of them don't swallow.

I definitely wouldn't give one unless I wanted to though.

My boyfriend always makes sure to swallow all my menstruation during the obligatory lickjobs, it's very empowering for him

I can't know but as I said, there is a huge amount of pressure on women my age obviously from my experience to do only sex acts that pleasure the man and much less those that pleasure the woman.
I have been told directly by men and women that I must be bad in bed because I don't want to swallow semen, have it on my breasts and face.
I know a LOT of young women that put themselves at risk with men who won't wear condoms and feel they should not question these men.
The majority of women I know never receive oral sex and rarely receive any kind of foreplay.
I do think women are more objectified now and I think this contributes to this.

I don't think anyone mentioned empowering, cardgames.

I would never argue that there's not a huge amount of pressure on women to act and look a certain way. However, I think we need to look at building girls' and women's confidence to know what it is that THEY want to do in bed AND what they don't want to do. As such, I never think that calling acts that some women enjoy "degrading" is a great thing to do because it suggests that there's something wrong with you if you do enjoy it.

I think that, in general, a lot of people have better sex lives than say, 60 years ago, when women weren't expected to enjoy sex at all and probably had very little say in what went on in their sex life. Maybe things have gone too much the other way and women are expected to be sexy all the time.

Like I said, I've never felt any pressure to do anything I didn't want to - in fact, just one guy who told me I should shave my pubes and I just laughed at him.

I think the issue is much more complicated than just "porn means women are forced into doing things they don't want".

I don't understand this thing that people keep saying about giving blow jobs with no other sex act for the woman because you have your period.

Are some women unable to have an orgasm because they have their period? Is it a hormonal thing? I think orgasms are better during a period.

Agree Krumbum, it's very sad.

There are not even any short standard slang for cunnilingus and other sex acts that stimulates the clitoris/vulva. Meanwhile the ones that stimulate the penis are called "jobs". Getting really annoyed with this after my thinking earlier on.

CaramelTree, my period pains are too much to even entertain the thought of an orgasm.

Lucky you!

Yellow, I think that is a really good point - "calling acts that some women enjoy "degrading" is a great thing to do because it suggests that there's something wrong with you if you do enjoy it."

The argument has strayed a lot here. Everyone seems to be agreeing that the OP isn't BU to not give a bj when she doesn't want sex - but there is a real undercurrent here that anyone who does give 'random' bj's to their partner is degrading themself, letting women down etc. They are not. Their sex life is just different.

I enjoy pleasuring my DP, and I will happily do it even if I am not in the mood myself. It gives me pleasure (of a sort of non-sexual sort) to give him pleasure. There is nothing degrading about that.

Damsell, sorry if this is a massively personal question and please don't feel under any pressure to answer.

Do you have period pains for the whole time you are having a period, and during the time when you have period pains, can you really be bothered to give somebody a blow job? If I was in too much pain to have an orgasm, I'd also consider myself to be in too much pain to give somebody else an orgasm.

I think it's entirely up to the individual. I think the questions should be 'aibu to not do things sexually that I don't want to do' some women enjoy us some don't, you are always going to get such a wide ange of views if you talk about an act in specific circumstances because everyone has their own variables as to what makes a situation acceptable.

I find there is way too much of this judgment on other peoples choices on mn. If I say my dh and I are happy that doesnt mean I expect you and your dh to be happy with the same situation, I'm just commenting on what works for us.

I like giving bjs, they really turn me on, my dh is absolutely weak for them and I find it enjoyable to be able to give him so much pleasure as well as watching how I can sort of control him during the act. I may not be in the mood for intercourse but I only pleasure him because i want to that doesn't mean I'm degraded or controlled.

Also the period thing. My dh doesn't mind it but yuck I will never have sex when I have my period because I find it gross.

Carmel, I have a very short painful period. I also find my skin is irritable. I don't want to be touched. I don't like to reject my partner and we've found a way that works for us. I lick, suck, tickle and stroke him. He wanks to completion (TMI?) I use the by product as a beauty treatment . I don't want nor do I have an orgasm. Those moments are about his release. It's also my turn to give to him because he's not much of a taker, he likes to give. I see it as a win-win situation. It's not something that happens every month, but most months. We also don't do penetration while I'm ovulating because I don't use a contraceptive, and so the above act may happen on those occasions too, except I do get to orgasm too.

I think I must just be thick. I don't understand at all.

If somebody is turned on by giving somebody else a blowjob, wouldn't they then want an orgasm? I have never been in a relationship with somebody who would give me an orgasm and not want one themselves. Is this a well known thing? I just can't imagine having an orgasm and then just walking off leaving somebody else turned on and frustrated. It would be like going out to dinner with somebody who wasn't going to eat anything even though they were hungry.

And why do people not have orgasms during their periods, or want their partner to give them an orgasm during their period? Is it because they can only have an orgasm through penetrative sex and don't want to have penetrative sex during their period?

Sorry, x post with you Damsel.

Ruby, you've just written the post I think I wanted to write! (Mine didn't come out as clearly).

Anyone being coerced or feeling forced into partaking in a sexual act they don't want to do is very, very wrong.

However, I bet if each poster on here was to the list the things they did during sex with their partner (I'm not asking for anyone to do that!!!) then there would be plenty that other posters hated doing or found a bit beyond the pale.

Yes, too much judgement going on here.

(Oh, and definitely agreeing on period sex - I just couldn't stomach sex while I am bleeding heavily, personally I find the idea disgusting for me and would never be able to relax - but I would not judge anyone who did or believe that they were being coerced into having sex while on their period.)

Nope, dont do it as a pacifier, do it if you want to.

I didn't say blow jobs were degrading. I said the expectation that women should be jizzed on or in their mouths is. Look at bukkake porn, it's just jizzing but its meant to be degrading. I'm not blaming women here, I don't blame society's victims. I think the attitudes of (in particular young) men are wrong in seeing women as seminal spittoons.

I can't speak for women giving oral sex when they're not up for it, I don't think I've ever done it, but sometimes I get turned on but don't want to have an orgasm. Same for my partner. So we might mess around, get turned on, but not go further.

Is that odd? I have no idea.

My man is happy if and when he gets it at all, as its a choice on my part and he respects that.

Thanks Damsel, that makes sense. So there are times when just you have an orgasm, times when has as orgasm and times when you both have an orgasm? I wonder maybe if it is because you are both very sensual people so there is maybe not as much of a dividing line between sex and non-sex in your relationship.

Caramel-just to answer from my POV, i am going through the menopause. My three day periods are heavy and it is as though my uterus cannot stand being stimulated in any way. It is difficult to explain but it feels like a mini labour. I still want sexual contact and i enjoy giving BJ's, i joke that i have turned them into an artform.

So will do this with my DP, as i enjoy the power trip that comes with controlling the pleasure that i give to someone.

I was happily single for years after being widowed and enjoyed giving a good BJ. I was also quite fussy about having quality sex, though.

We all have the right to decide what we regard as quality sex.

Is it still degrading if the woman enjoys it, Krumbum? Or if she doesn't feel degraded by it?