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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not give bj to dh when I don't feel like sex?

162 replies

bushymcbush · 30/06/2012 22:11

Let me make it clear now, my DH doesn't expect or even ask me to do this. I am asking this because I have noticed on a couple of relationships threads that some women 'service' their DPs in this way when they don't want sex themselves.

I have a real problem with this concept. Oral sex is as much a sex act as intercourse is to me. If I perform oral on my DH, it is part of a mutually satisfying experience - I do it to him because I am horny and it gives me pleasure to give him pleasure, iyswim. And I will get my just desserts too Wink

The idea of all these women giving cold bj's to their partners, not for their mutual enjoyment but just to stop him pestering them, fills me with horror tbh.

Is it just me?

OP posts:
Clawdy · 02/07/2012 19:23

Someone leaves you because you won't give 'em a blowjob?? the words "Good " and "Riddance" spring to mind CogSych ........

Jiggleballs123 · 02/07/2012 19:54

YANBU

I love giving blowjobs but only when I'm in the mood, which isn't that often, when I'm not in the mood it hurts my jaw. Probably in the same way that having sex would hurt my fanny if I was not in the mood.

I am too old to 'fake it' or give sexual favours.

SandyBottoms · 02/07/2012 20:11

I remember my friend used to call the week of her period 'bj week' made me Angry to think she should be getting some tlc instead of servicing her fella.

Krumbum · 02/07/2012 20:40

Cogpsych, I dispute that it feels better physically, I think it is mental thing. If your still masterbating them then the stimulation doesn't stop.
To end a relationship over something so tiny would mean you have no real interest in that relationship anyway.
Some women squirt, it's not expected that men take this fluid in their mouths and swallow it. I think the expectation that women must love jizz all over them is from porn and the intent is to degrade even if that isn't how the woman takes it.

CogPsych · 02/07/2012 21:49

I can easily imagine how a tongue and lips feels better than fingers though, can't you? They just have a different texture. Plus the mouth is warm and wet. Likewise i'm sure for a better it feels physically better to climax during penetration than it does by masterbation.

Why do you doubt men so much?

(No doubt there is a psychological component to various sex acts too, but different sex acts do have different sensations).

Krumbum · 02/07/2012 22:02

What literally as your coming? No, I think the feeling of orgasm takes over. I've had an orgasm and the stimulation becomes irrelevant because your body just starts to do it.
I don't think women are just sexual toys for men.

localcrackpot · 02/07/2012 22:17

Nelly, I think you've extrapolated what I've said into something completely different. If you want to do anything for your partner (not necessarily because you're ready for sex, but perhaps because you like him!) then you want to do it. Totally different to men who try to push themselves on their wives in the circumstances of marriage breakdown, for example. I know of this happening to women and them thinking it'd be easier to get it over than fight him off.

No word missing. "Think of you" in this context means "consider your needs". If you think it's easier to just let him get on with it and look away when you are totally not in the mood, it dehumanises you and, should you be happily in bed together at another point, that dehumanisation means there's no reason why your needs or desires should be considered.

It's hard to explain this without giving extreme examples. I think if a generally happy couple has a number of instances where the man gets to have sex without the woman's active interest and participation, the relationship is on a steep decline.

Original poster
bushymcbush · 02/07/2012 22:22

Nelly I think what local means is that some men might think that sex is all about their own pleasure and not have much consideriation for their partner's needs when they are having sex. This sense of entitlement could be reinforced by their partners giving bj's when they're not in the mood.

As for my not wanting a discussion - of course I did - although of course I also wanted to express an opinion. My opinion has not been changed by anything anyone has posted on this thread. Does that mean I wasn't open to discussion?

Look if you genuinely enjoy giving a bj when you are not turned on, then fine. All power to you. I find it hard to imagine but I will take your word for it, and reserve my discomfort for those women who do it to keep their man happy.

OP posts:
Original poster
bushymcbush · 02/07/2012 22:23

X post local

OP posts:
Jiggleballs123 · 02/07/2012 22:37

Totally agree Local

CogPsych · 02/07/2012 23:59

Krumbum...

Sure, that's how you feel. But you're not a man are you?

Don't try to link a discussion on the physical sensation with women being sexual toys for men, i don't think women are sexual toys either and my position does not imply that. It is clear that you have some issues with men, it is easy to see why you are so negative about this issue.

yellowraincoat · 03/07/2012 00:04

Krumbum, if you don't want to answer my q, that's fine but I'm genuinely interested because I don't really know what people mean by degrading.

If a woman swallows semen, not because she's pressured but because she wants to AND she doesn't feel degraded by it, is it still degrading?

For me, it's can be quite an intimate thing to do.

Obviously it CAN be degrading. Not disputing that at all. But most everything is degrading if you're pressured into it.

Krumbum · 03/07/2012 00:17

I have no issues with men, I have only been with my one very giving, very feminist bf, who has the upmost respect for everyone.
I'm disputing that the physical feeling exists, saying it is mental and that this want to be like a porn star is not something any woman should have to deal with..

Yellow, I don't think that it is always degrading but it is hard to know when so many young men feel it is their right whether the woman wants it or not. It is this expectation that is degrading.
Ime every single woman I have met obviously feels it is what they 'should' do and that acting like a pornstar is what men want and what they should provide. I realise this is only from my limited experience but I think many young women feel like that. Friends are shocked that my bf doesn't push my head down, always want penetrative sex, refuse to use a condom.

yellowraincoat · 03/07/2012 00:21

Krumbum, I feel really bad for your friends. That's horrible.

Maybe I'm just of a slightly older generation, maybe your friends are unlucky in the men they meet or my friends are particularly lucky. Maybe it's something that happens more in your early 20s, because thinking about it, a lot of my friends did have shit sexual experiences then.

That definitely doesn't mean it's ok, obviously.

ANYTHING that is expected sexually is degrading. It's a really horrible thought.

Empusa · 03/07/2012 00:22

"ANYTHING that is expected sexually is degrading."

I think that's the best summary of it.

theinets · 03/07/2012 00:39

I am sure many women enjoy being licked out by their partners when the man doesn't like it particularly. Sometimes you have to give and take.

Babylon1 · 03/07/2012 00:41

BJ happens on high days and holidays and sometimes his birthday if I've drunk enough only here!!

I don't feel any need to "service" my DH, nor him me I hope!! Hmm

Krumbum · 03/07/2012 00:48

Theinets, Going down on someone is the same as sucking a penis. Taking come in your mouth is a different matter entirely, it equates to drinking the liquid that some women squirt when they come

NellyBluth · 03/07/2012 07:55

Local, that makes sense now. And I do get your point about women feeling forced in to giving sexual favours, I'm not ever going to argue that that is abusive.

But, really, to say that a generally happy couple has a number of instances where the man gets to have sex without the woman's active interest and participation, the relationship is on a steep decline? I am part of a 'generally happy couple'. We've been together over a decade. I have given my partner bjs without receiving anything in return (at that moment in time) since we first got together. We still have a very good sex life and, if anything, I am the one making more sexual requests in the bedroom which my DP is happy to 'service'.

I know I'm going on about this, and bushy I think my point was that you only responded to posts that agreed with you (though I think everyone agrees that no woman should ever have to give sexual favours of any sort when not in the mood). But there are women in this thread who are saying 'yep, I give my DP bjs are part of our overall sexual relationship' - and I'll admit I am feeling very defensive when other posters come back and say that I'm just servicing my partner, my relationship is on a steep incline, he just views me as sexual object, that I or other posters are willingly degraded etc.

2rebecca · 03/07/2012 08:18

No I wouldn't. if I'm not in the mood for sex I'm not in the mood for sex. A bj is sex, quite intimate sex. He can sort himself out.

Cockwomble · 03/07/2012 10:21

I don't mind bjs if he's just washed. I will not bj a willy with a days worth of dried sweat and piss on it, same as DH wouldn't want to reciprocate if I was the same. Not a massive fan of swallowing personally, but my DH is a smoker. Previous non smokers have been fine.

I don't do anything if I'm not in the mood. That's not how it works in my mind.

SchrodingersMew · 03/07/2012 10:43

Krumbum You really have something against men don't you?

I love giving bjs to my DP, he doesn't bother at all and in fact has a pretty low sex drive but when we do do it I also swallow. So am I being degraded? Even though I enjoy this much more than he? He also never pushes for sex, accepts no means no, never pushes my head down and spends much more time by choice on me than I do him.

I've already had to listen to you call me degraded for shaving my bits, I think you should get over yourself and realise that everyone has different preferences and just because it's not what you like doesn't mean we're all brainwashed sex slaves.

BertieBotts · 03/07/2012 10:54

It's a personal choice to swallow or not. I agree with yellow - anything which is expected/any kind of pressure is degrading. Making a free choice when you absolutely know it will make no difference which one you do is different. If you were swallowing because your DH looked all pained and upset if you didn't or because he kept going on about how much better he'd find it if you did etc, that would be degrading. As would swallowing because you thought it was what you were supposed to do. But doing it because you prefer it and you know it wouldn't make the slightest bit of difference to him is different.

I don't think Krumbum is coming across as manhating at all!

Krumbum · 03/07/2012 14:18

No schrodingersmew I don't hate men. I care about women. And understand feminism, socialisation and psychology.

MarysBeard · 03/07/2012 14:26

I agree with the OP. If I didn't feel like sex, I certainly wouldn't feel like oral sex!

Also remember when I was at college, girls saying "No, we didn't have sex, I just gave him a blow job."

JUST? While I've had a few one night stands, to me oral sex was always more "serious" than intercourse, so it is only something I would do in the context of a proper relationship.