To not give bj to dh when I don't feel like sex?

[bushymcbush]

Let me make it clear now, my DH doesn't expect or even ask me to do this. I am asking this because I have noticed on a couple of relationships threads that some women 'service' their DPs in this way when they don't want sex themselves.

I have a real problem with this concept. Oral sex is as much a sex act as intercourse is to me. If I perform oral on my DH, it is part of a mutually satisfying experience - I do it to him because I am horny and it gives me pleasure to give him pleasure, iyswim. And I will get my just desserts too

The idea of all these women giving cold bj's to their partners, not for their mutual enjoyment but just to stop him pestering them, fills me with horror tbh.

Is it just me?

Krumbum, so those of us who partake in certain sexual acts (non-reciprocal blowjobs, swallowing semen, allowing a man to come on our face etc) don't understand feminism or care about women? Are all non-penitrative sexual acts which are common in pornography degrading?

I'm just slightly confused by some of the arguments on here. Anyone being coerced into doing something sexually they are not comfortable with is definitely degrading; but how is someone doing something sexually that others may deem beyond their personal level of comfort automatically degrading?

It really depends, some women may enjoy bjs and do it to get out of a more physically involved act.
I don't like them, so only do them when reeeeeealy loved up, and after partner made me happy.

Let's just say that ex got very very few.

I'm old fashioned, and require the purchase of jewellery or flowers before 'servicing' my husband.

Only joking.

I'll also do it on birthdays and anniversaries.

Am I the only one amazed that someone can actually swallow someone else's body fluids without puking....

Yes, clawdy, it's hardly unusual is it.

Although I'd advise you to stay away from a video called 2 girls 1 cup

I agree with you completely. I use bj's as a bartering tool (in a funny sense, DF doesn't do favours just for bj's). He's cooking dinner, I cleaned and we reciprocate oral tonight ;)

pearl necklace?

.......

Also regarding pornography, sure there is a worrying trend of 'choking/gagging' BJ's which are surely about domination, but i don't think most men see normal porn as being about domination.

I think men like the thought of a woman swallowing semen because it as portrayed as though the woman wants and desires the man so much... it's a needy thing. The camera is rarely on the man's face or body, if anything a masculinist (is that the right word? the male-concerned version of a feminist) could argue that the man is dehumanised because all he is in porn is a dick. Meanwhile, men seem to dig porn where the woman looks like she's enjoying sucking dick because vicariously they empathise with the feeling of being wanted physically. Any sort of spitting out of semen, of dodging semen like it's acid, is a form of rejection i suppose and thus less appealing. So IMO, that's the psychological element of it, and i don't think it's as negative as feminists would have you believe. This is how it is with DH, he openly admits he prefers to climax in my mouth because of the physical sensation (just like he prefers to climax a HJ with lube rather than without), but i can tell when i swallow and he can see that i love pleasuring him, it really has a positive psychological impact too, he feels sexy and wanted.

Of course, i believe there's a physical element too.

As such, i think feminists should focus their efforts more on the increasingly common rape-porn, gagging/choking/'throat-f**king' porn, and the clearly more violent kinds that are emerging. But porn that's fairly normal and where the woman isn't doing anything too painful and at least looks to be enjoying herself can be nice.

DH and i watch some sometimes, he's not fussed (so he says! haha!) but it really gets me going. I choose stuff that is non-violent and where the woman often works only with her DP/DH.

I can hear the sound of tugging from here

Does the sex chat have to be so graphic, people ?

No wonder we have a problem with dodgy twats coming to this site telling us how they "play" online, telling women how they feel about sex and having a high ole time questioning consent etc.

FGS, the oversharing on this site is cringe-making

Go on, call me a prude and flame me, tell me to not click on the thread. The thing is, lots of people you really wouldn't want to are clicking on the thread < sigh >

Can't we at least try not to make Mumsnet such a magnet for the pervs ?

I don't see it makes a difference, AF. Any site full of women will be a perv-magnet. If someone wants to tug their tiny dick to anything I've written, they can go for it. It's no skin off my nose.

Considering the wealth of filth out there, I'd be surprised if anyone could be arsed wanking off to the stuff here.

People can talk about what they want. Some people like chatting about sex. Others find it too much. Both are fine, but I don't see why people should not talk about stuff just in case it over-excites a man somewhere.

I don't think anyone will read this when there is sex chat, chat roulette, porn etc.
I don't think anyone has over shared. What is wrong with talking about sex? It's part of most peoples lives so why should it be taboo? Shame around sex Makes it harder for people who are assaulted, people who want abortions, obtaining contraception.

Cogpsych
A culture that sees women as sexual objects is what leads to violent porn and sexual abuse.
I don't think looking at the way it affects women in everyday is not focusing on 'what is important' because it all contributes to the idea that women are toys for men. You can't just look at rape on its own, it is caused by our rape culture. If you don't look at that you won't get anywhere.

Agree with yellow.

I like the fact that MN is a relatively safe forum for ordinary(!) women to discuss this kind of topic, and don't think anything should be off limits as long as it's not promoting/condoning anything illegal or likely to cause harm to anyone. It's like being in the pub with friends after a few glasses of wine.

The thread title should be enough to put off those of a nervous disposition, and I think it's a fairly safe assumption to make that most of the users of Mumsnet have had sex themselves at some point so surely nobody's going to be too offended.

There are millions of proper perv sites out there, and 50 shades topping the bestseller list in bookshops. I can't imagine MN would be an obvious choice over that lot.

I've had my say and didn't expect it to be a popular view. I think some of you need to grow up though, and find a bit of self-respect < shrug >

I agree. Let's keep sex shameful. Make it a taboo. That's the best way to grow perves in society, isn't it?

I've done my share of sex chat, DITD.

It's the detail that is completely un necessary. It reminds me of teenagerdom...who can brag the most and be the most graphic.

It brings to mind the old cliche...those who shout the loudest... (look the most immature)

And agreeing to tone down the graphic details on a parenting website doesn't seem unreasonable to me.

Like somebody said, there are places where you can glory in the health properties of jizz on the face, where people won't point and laugh at you.

No. Giving oral sex is not passive (and it gives me jaw ache more often than not) so no way am I going to do that if I am not in the mood.

I see it's got a bit heated though

I don't see how discussing stuff in detail = not having self respect.

People discuss all sorts of things in enormous detail on here, from baby names to clothes to jobs to the massive boil on their partner's neck.

Why should it be different for sex? I think it's great that women are able to talk about it. It's by talking about it that we can figure stuff out. If we never did, if we didn't talk about coming on faces and in mouths and BJs and so on, Krumbum would never have been able to tell her friends that it is NOT ok for their boyfriends to pressure them. Maybe they will think about that and change their minds on stuff. I hope so.

Point and laugh if you want. It's the Victorian attitude I can't abide

I do think MN tends to self regulate anyway. There was a poster who started a totally gratuitous sex thread on relationships the other day, and was given short shrift. I think usually you can tell the difference between trucker-fodder and a genuine question/debate.

I'm fairly shy at talking about this kind of stuff in RL, and don't always want to give friends TMI and give them nightmares, so I appreciate being able to chat on here openly and fairly anonymously, should I wish to.

I believe it is empowering for women to have the platform to speak to other woman about sex. For far too long men have enjoyed and women have endured, which is why we have this fucked up view of sex in the first place. If a boy enjoys sex he's a stud. If a girl does she's a slut.

Enough! It's time to take back what is ours! I'm no shrinking violet. Why should I pretend? Why should I put up. I prefer to put out!

Damsel - I totally agree with you in the sense that sex should not be taboo. As someone who can honestly take it or leave it I would love sex to be normal, ordinary, like eating a meal, holding hands, not the cause of so much angst and worry. THen we could stop making such a fuss and just get on with it, or not, as we wish. As someone with a lowish sex drive I would also like to stop feeling like a freak.

Ormiriathominus, wouldn't it be great if we could be so open and without shame that when looking for a partner these things could be discussed beforehand, without embarrassment.

Imagine a dating site ad that read: Loving, caring and kind with a low libido seeks...

I also believe there a plenty men out there with low libidos who feel pressurised into portraying the macho male role and are unsuited and it creates problems for them.

Sex is an integral part of our make up. But it must not be discussed. I don't get that.