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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give bj to dh when I don't feel like sex?

162 replies

bushymcbush · 30/06/2012 22:11

Let me make it clear now, my DH doesn't expect or even ask me to do this. I am asking this because I have noticed on a couple of relationships threads that some women 'service' their DPs in this way when they don't want sex themselves.

I have a real problem with this concept. Oral sex is as much a sex act as intercourse is to me. If I perform oral on my DH, it is part of a mutually satisfying experience - I do it to him because I am horny and it gives me pleasure to give him pleasure, iyswim. And I will get my just desserts too Wink

The idea of all these women giving cold bj's to their partners, not for their mutual enjoyment but just to stop him pestering them, fills me with horror tbh.

Is it just me?

OP posts:
JustFabulous · 30/06/2012 22:59

Maybe the women give the BJ's because they want too and don't mind nothing in return. Maybe the men bully them into it.

McHappyPants2012 · 30/06/2012 22:59

Op I agree 100%

FredFredGeorge · 30/06/2012 23:06

Why wouldn't the husband just have a wank?

lovebunny · 30/06/2012 23:30

mercifully, i don't have a husband. but my advice would be, do what you want, no more and no less!

RightBuggerforit · 01/07/2012 08:26

Yanbu OP, couldn't agree more. These women should have more respect for themselves and their partners should have more respect, consideration and love for them than would enable them to accept a sexual favour that they know their partner isn't enjoying. The whole thing is disgusting and really makes me feel sick, if you're not in the mood, just say no - you're a wife/gf, not a prostitute, the two should NOT be confused!

Greatauntirene · 01/07/2012 08:40

I gave a BJ once in 1985 and it made my cheeks ache. So haven't since.

Feenie · 01/07/2012 08:45

I still can't get over the thread where a poster claimed she had given her dh a blowjob 20 minutes after giving birth. Shock

Spuddybean · 01/07/2012 09:01

WTF! feenie REALLY?! i think that is one of the most shocking things i have heard (not sure why really, but just) Shock Shock

How could anyone - including him feel randy at that moment???

Sorry, i will pick up my jaw and say what i was going to now. DP never pesters me for sex but we often have different times of the day which does it for us so there is some give and take. If i can see DP is raring to go then I will offer something because i want to make him happy but don't want full PIV sex (DP doesn't actually like penetration much for specific reasons). For the same specific reasons i don't like BJ's so a hand job is usually on offer.

The same goes for me tho. I have a much higher sex drive so DP often will use a toy on me. I always offer back but he will often say no thanks.

A couple of times we have been very horny when the other isn't and have asked the other to use a toy on us and the other has always been more than happy to oblige.

I think that is less full on than oral. That only happens when we are both having the sex.

Not sure if the above makes sense. sorry.

MissBeehivingUnderTheMistletoe · 01/07/2012 09:03

I know Feenie Shock. The only thing that was going in my mouth at that point was the tea and toast.

NellyBluth · 01/07/2012 09:17

Probably going to get flamed here, but I give my DP a bj if he is in the mood for sex and I'm not, and I really don't mind.

We have a very healthy sex life (well, as much as we can with a 5mo, so maybe that should read we had a very healthy sex life Grin) but I do have less of a sex drive than he does. On occasions, if he is very much in the mood for sex and I am not then I offer to give him a bj or hand job instead. I can't stress enough though that it is me offering, not him asking. He has never asked me just for a bj. Sometimes he says no, sometimes he says yes. And I don't offer all the time - I just do sometimes because I want to.

I am happy doing it because, for me, I enjoy giving him pleasure and I see it as another act of intimacy and a general part of our sex life.

Rightbugger, I understand what you are saying about 'having respect' etc but I do think that viewpoint rests entirely on knowing that you personally wouldn't enjoy giving a bj if it wasn't part of reciprocal sex. Other women do enjoy doing it, so in that situation it is surely fine and not akin to 'servicing' or 'prostitution'.

However, the OP is definitely NBU. If a woman doesn't want to do anything for a man when he is in the mood and she isn't, then she shouldn't have to. Ditto the other way around. But if the couple are fine with it then it is not wrong, just part of their sex life.

BertieBotts · 01/07/2012 09:32

I agree OP - you definitely shouldn't be pressured into "giving favours" for a DP because you don't want sex at all but they feel you owe them. I used to do this with XP because he'd get all huffy and upset otherwise and I always felt bad but I now realise that was a low level form of sexual abuse/harassment :(

Conversely I do sometimes do oral sex with/for DP when I'm not horny but it's completely different and always on my terms. He would be horrified if I was doing it out of a sense of duty or for any other reason than I wanted to. However, he did say one day that it makes him feel a bit sad that when I do that for him it doesn't make me horny, because if he does it for me then it does. I didn't really know how to explain that because of how it was in my previous relationship I totally switched off from that side of things :( I can still enjoy it, it just doesn't make me horny.

Krumbum · 01/07/2012 11:13

I do do this occasionally but also occasionally my partner will go down on me with nothing in return. I don't think of it as servicing in our case, I still find it a pleasurable experience and we sometimes just like giving eachother an orgasm!
But I do agree that some couples see sexual pleasure as something for the man and if she can't give him what he 'needs' (on period etc) then she should give him at least a blow job. I think this is horribly degrading, I know people like this and from the way they speak about it they do see sex as 'for the man'.

perceptionreality · 01/07/2012 11:17

YANBU - a bj is sex, so if you don't feel like sex of one kind then you won't be likely to feel like sex of any other.

Original poster
bushymcbush · 01/07/2012 11:42

Perceptionreality, exactly! A bj is sex. PIV is sex. A hand job is sex. If I'm not in the mood for sex, I don't want to do ANY of these things.

OP posts:
CardgamesFTW · 01/07/2012 11:51

By the way, interesting how these male-related sex acts are called "-jobs"
I have never heard of cunnilingus being called a "lickjob"

CardgamesFTW · 01/07/2012 11:59

I guess the words originated in prostitution? Sex acts shouldn't be "jobs", yet we call them so.

CarrieBradshawsManolos · 01/07/2012 11:59

YANBU. It is a rare occasion my DH gets a BJ from me as I don't like giving them at all TBH (small mouth makes me gag). I know he likes them so sometimes I will do them, it's usually when I'm wine fuelled and really horny. Grin In the 17 years we've been together I can probably count on 1 hand the BJs he had from me. I never swallow either, urgh.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 01/07/2012 12:03

Why would you care what other people do or don't do? Bizarre and pointless...

Alibabaandthe40nappies · 01/07/2012 12:03

YANBU.

Krumbum · 01/07/2012 12:06

I think swallowing is also very degrading. I dont even get it in my mouth, take it out just before he jizzs. It doesn't matter where you are pointed when you come, it's the feeling of an orgasm that is good! I hate the pressure on women to take semen in their mouths and then swallow, it's about male control, depressing.

yellowraincoat · 01/07/2012 12:11

YANBU Op

I would not be able to give my partner a BJ if I wasn't aroused. If he's horny, he can wank himself off, surely.

Krumbum - one woman's degradation is another woman's fun. I personally feel more degraded by other women thinking I'm some sort of put-upon sad little victim than any amount of semen in my mouth. I don't do blow jobs that much, but I don't like this idea that just because some find it degrading so must everyone.

MissCoffeeNWine · 01/07/2012 12:38

I think swallowing is the quickest and easiest way to end the process with the least amount of stress and mess to be honest, not a lot to do with degradation or control (DH couldn't care less what happens to it)

I would be much less pleased at getting it all over my face!

YANBU, though, it is creepy to think of your partner's sexual satisfaction as a chore/a job or somehow utterly dependent on you. If either of us wants a shag/some action and the other doesn't then we don't do it, and if the randy one is that desperate they do themselves. Which sometimes puts the other in the mood....

Birdsgottafly · 01/07/2012 12:39

There is to much worrying about other people's sex lives across MN, which always leads to personal preferences being put down and those that enjoy certain act, deluded.

MardyArsedMidlander · 01/07/2012 12:41

I quite like swallowing. As long as the man doesn't smoke- because then it tastes horrible. It's no more degrading than men who like the taste of women. imagine the flaming if a man said he thoughtb women tasted disgusting!

Krumbum · 01/07/2012 12:47

The other option isn't all over your face!
It would be completely different to say that about a woman, just having vagina in your mouth is the same as having penis in your mouth, not semen.
I think the prevalence for it is because of porn and not what the majority of women really want.

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