Proposing on somebody else's wedding... AIBU?

[aurynne]

Hi all. My DP and I are getting married in January, in a very simple beach wedding followed by a BBQ, only family and close friends, all staying in an outdoors centre very close to the beach (note: wedding is in New Zealand, and it's Summer there in Jan :).

One of my friends, who is invited to the wedding, told me some days ago that she is planning to propose to her DP in my wedding, "as she thinks it would be very romantic". I did not say anything, because I was a bit taken aback, to be honest.

Now I have had time to think about it, I have conflicting feelings about it. I am very relaxed about my wedding, no dress code, no formalities, etc... So I do believe I am as far away from a bridezilla as can be. However, there is something I don't like about someone else using our wedding to frame their own proposal.

As I honestly have no idea about wedding etiquette, and it may just be that I am being selfish and should just be happy for my friend, I would like to ask for wisdom here...

AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable with the idea and considering asking her to propose the day after?

Have you ever proposed on someone else's wedding, or know someone who did? Do you think it is appropriate? If you witnessed it, how did it go?

I thought that only ever happened as a drunken, "I love you so much" kind of thing. I don't know why someone would plan to do this.

YADEFINITELYNBU!

No, no, no!! You are completely within your right to ask her not to do it at your wedding or even for any of the days you are all there for your wedding. How can she think it's a good idea?!

YANBU.

Tell her that you expect to be similarly overcome with romance when you attend her subsequent wedding, to the point where you will have to have sex with your husband immediately. After all, it can only add to the specialness of her big day If everyone else incorporates their own big romantic gestures.

Is your friend normally this attention seeking ?

OP, no, I have never had the opportunity to propose at someone's wedding, but even if I had the opportunity, no I wouldn't even dream of doing so. It is so inappropriate, and I think you know all the reasons why.

You are not being the selfish one in this situation, in fact it is quite the reverse. Your friend is the one being selfish. Good lord, she wants to hijack your wedding to propose? And what, so that all the other guests can fawn over her when it is your wedding day?

Knock this on the head, OP.

YAdefNBU!! and I would find this very weird it's one th

Oops posted too early! It's one thing to be overcome with emotion on the spur of the moment but to plan it? Not good

Your wedding plans sound lovely and I hope you have a fab day!

Your friend is being very attention seeking - maybe she's just not thought this through but YADNBU.

And worse, what if he (or she) said no?

YANBU!
I always find it weird when I see that happen on TV or something. I had a similar-ish experience before my wedding when a good friend of my maid of honour that was coming to the evening do told me that she would be wearing an 'ivory satin maxi dress' to it! As my dress wasn't even full length, I felt like I might feel just a bit upstaged! I said something in a jokey way to my maid of honour and the girl turned up in a black number- is there anyone like that that could maybe have a quiet joke/word with the friend, maybe get her to see sense?
Hope it sorts itself out as apart from that, it sounds like ou have a lovely day planned.

Oh I forgot to say - Wanting it to be your day doesn't make you a bridezilla! I think she hasn't thought this through and it's not fair to make 'your' day into 'her' day. If he accepts, it's her day. If he doesn't accept, she'll be devastated and it'll be 'her' day.

You must tell her no.

YANBU ...
Somebody did this on our wedding day at the sit down meal !!!!
I was very !

I wouldn't have a problem with this, but then in my minds eye I am seeing your friend and her dp having a private romantic moment which would not in any way affect your wedding party. Are others thinking more of some sort of 'down on your knees' public declaration? I think that would be very bad taste.

Finding someone else's wedding inspires you to tie the knot is surely something of a tribute?

I think that if your friend goes ahead she risks it coming across as very tacky - it'll be hard for it not to be interpreted as some sort of drunken, of-the-moment thing. And it might well turn into some sort of horrible, hi-jacking thing, too.

all of which I'm sure she wishes to avoid.

And what happens if he says no?

I don;t think she can have thought this through at all. Show her that bit in "Working Girl" (is that the film's name? with Melanie Griffiths) where he makes some über tacky proposal and gets turned down. It might be helpful when she thinks about how she might like to go about proposing.

I'm sure nooka's right, and it would be quite private. But even so, if he does say no, she's going to have sad memories of her best friend's wedding, perhaps. Even if she doesn't cry, or go off for a despondent moment of private reflection.

YANBU.

Your wedding is 6 months away. She is being ridiculous. If she wants to Marty her do why is she waiting all that time to propose. Surely she can find get own romantic moment between now and then yanbu.

Clearly I'
M in a minority, but I think it is romantic and a lovely idea. If one of my close friends or sister or sil (or their partners of course) had asked me, I would have gladly watched them get engaged. Chucked my bouquet at the first perhaps
However, she has spoken to you about it and you are allowed to explain that you don't like the idea. You want the focus to be on you and your soon to be husband.

I didn't notice that the wedding was in six months time! I assumed it was in a week or two. I don't really understand how that works, surely if you want to marry someone you don't wait months to ask/tell them do you? Plus do people really say no? I can't imagine asking unless I was totally 100% sure. But then dh and I didn't really do the whole formal proposal thing, marriage was something we agreed together not some great 'moment' (I guess I am not really a romantic!)

That's why I think it's attention seeking..If you're ready to propose, why wait six months for someone elses wedding?

Wow, I didn't expect to come back in 15 min and find 19 replies! Thank you so much for your advice :)

No, I don't think she has thought this through very well. More than attention-seeking, I would describe her as self-absorbed. She probably has no idea that it could be seen as inappropriate, and I am sure her intention was to flatter me. I also would have no problem at her finding a private moment after the ceremony and proposing then, but would not want to risk her jumping up during the barbecue, calling everyone else, getting down on one knee and asking her DP in front of everyone... And it is not entirely because "she would be upstaging my DP and I", but also because I am sure my family and my other friends would not find it appropriate at all... Even her DP would probably be very embarrassed (he has more sense than she has :) ) and I wouldn't want to risk her feeling rejected or uncomfortable afterwards and turning it into a drama.

As there is still lots of time, I have though perhaps I can try to "lead her" into a more appropriate time... The ceremony will be at lunchtime, and if the night is nice and not too cold I was planning to take all guests to the beach at night, light a bonfire, drink, sing and chat, and release some Chinese lanterns. This would be an ideal moment for the two of them to get a lantern, get a bit further away from the group... and for her to propose under the romantic light, if that's what she wants. I am almost 100% he will say "yes" (if she does it privately). This way it wouldn't be a "in your face" proposal, they will have the whole night to enjoy the feeling (and perhaps telling everyone else in the morning) and I don't have to worry that she will interrupt the ceremony in order to do it :P. Also, I won't hurt her telling her to just not doing it in my wedding.

What do you think?

I think that's a wonderful idea! :)

It's like stealing someone elses thunder. Tell her to do it at Xmas!

YANBU. It your day. self absorbed and attention seeking completely.

Oh. Wow. That is unbelievable! I was once at a wedding where a couple decided to announce their own engagement. So wanky. I think everyone was a bit embarrassed on their behalf...

I think that your wedding plans sound absolutely lovely :) Your suggestion is really good too, a private moment on a romantic night. I hope that she goes with it (or that they get engaged long before)