Proposing on somebody else's wedding... AIBU?

[aurynne]

Hi all. My DP and I are getting married in January, in a very simple beach wedding followed by a BBQ, only family and close friends, all staying in an outdoors centre very close to the beach (note: wedding is in New Zealand, and it's Summer there in Jan :).

One of my friends, who is invited to the wedding, told me some days ago that she is planning to propose to her DP in my wedding, "as she thinks it would be very romantic". I did not say anything, because I was a bit taken aback, to be honest.

Now I have had time to think about it, I have conflicting feelings about it. I am very relaxed about my wedding, no dress code, no formalities, etc... So I do believe I am as far away from a bridezilla as can be. However, there is something I don't like about someone else using our wedding to frame their own proposal.

As I honestly have no idea about wedding etiquette, and it may just be that I am being selfish and should just be happy for my friend, I would like to ask for wisdom here...

AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable with the idea and considering asking her to propose the day after?

Have you ever proposed on someone else's wedding, or know someone who did? Do you think it is appropriate? If you witnessed it, how did it go?

OP - why not tell her while you don't mind really, and you are sure she'll do it discreetly, you have mentioned it to your future MIL who is livid about the idea as she thinks it will look like your friend is trying to upstage the bride and groom, and while you are certain you'll look so fabulous noone could upstage you, you are concerned that the other guests might think she's trying to upstage you and you'd hate there to be a bad atmosphere at your wedding and you would hate it if her engagement is overshadowed with someone making comments to her. (Use "upstage" as many times in this conversation you can, plan the seed in her mind)

Then suggest you start thinking of ways she could propose where it's "all about you two, because if you get engaged at my wedding, it's still going to be all about me!"

You could certainly suggest she proposes the next day rather than during the service ! Just say you'd like it to be your big day !
I'm sure she'll understand however much of an attention seeker she might be

Probably if she proposes to her DP on the beach in some secluded spot the next day it will be fine, and just add to the happy atmosphere.

I did tell some of my family that I was pregnant on my cousin's wedding day, and my SIL told some of her family the same thing on my wedding day. I think happy news like this, if shared discretely, can be fine. But no-one should steal the show

YANBU.

A wedding day should be about the bride and groom, and it's inappropriate, to say the very least, for a guest to propose to their OH while attending someone else's wedding, because they think it would be 'romantic'.

Even if you don't mind, it's a fair bet that at least some of your other guests will be cross on your behalf.

YANBU

I didn't even like it that much that DH congratulated 2 couples who had got engaged recently in his Groom's speech. I think I thought it would be a nice thing to do but now I wouldn't like it.

I went to a wedding a few years back where the grooms (v. Pretty but incredibly vain) ex-girlfriend was invited. She announced just before the ceremony that she'd married her new boyfriend the day before & spent the whole reception telling anyone who would listen how amazing her wedding was & what a great honeymoon they were planning!!! To be honest it just looked really selfish & a tad desperate....

You should announce your pregnancy on her wedding!

Oh dear ! Sounds bad, proudmum

Gosh, YANBU at all! I actually cannot believe that someone would want or plan to do this! It's YOUR day. ONE DAY. Jeezzz. She has 364 other days to pick from!

I'm actually pregnant at the minute..went to a friend's wedding last week and deliberately wore something to HIDE the fact I'm 5 months...because I did not want any attention at ALL taken away from my friend. (there were mutual friends there who do not currently know I'm expecting, who I haven't seen for ages). I chose to tell the friends AFTER MY FRIEND'S WEDDING. This is obviously just my opinion, but it's YOUR DAY. NO ONE should be trying to take any attention at all away from that fact. It's like having a birthday party and someone turns up and turns it into an engagement affair. No, No, NO, NOOOO! DON'T LET HER DO IT!!!!

YANBU

At my sisters wedding reception, one of the other bridemaids got engaged (after badgering her boyfriend to propose, spoiling his big elaborate plans), and then told everyone and expected all the atention to shift to her as it was her "engagment party as well now"

Bloody awful and incredibly selfish. As well as the hissy fit when people refused to make it about her

My DS announced her engagement at my wedding. Her marriage only lasted 3 years. That is what happens when you do it for the wrong reason.

I thought it was typical of her but didn't waste my energy getting upset.

YANBU

I would tell her not to! Some idiot proposed at my BIL wedding, he made a big song and dance about it and it was cringeworthy!

It's your day and should be all about you and hubby of course!

Tell her if she doesn't rethink this you'll cancel the invitation. It's your wedding and you don't want it hijacked for her engagement!
Is she a bit dim?
Most people would understand that you don't try to detract attention away from the bride and groom at their own wedding.

YANBU.

I think you sound like a lovely friend for coming up with the Chinese lantern plan for your friend's proposal but really I think that you need to let her know that you're uncomfortable with the idea and ask her to find her own special time to do it, rather than share yours.

I do know several people who have got engaged at weddings (erm, including myself) but it's always been spontaneous and has NEVER been so much as mentioned on the day itself (or, in my case, not until about two weeks later when we'd had enough time in our private loved-up happy bubble and were ready to share the news).

Planning to do it at a wedding seems just a bit weird to me. If I wanted to plan a proposal I'd want complete control of the where, the when, the how - not have it depend on someone else's idea of a perfect day. What if she thought "Oh this is a good moment", then realised the speeches were about to start, or you were about to cut the cake/have your first dance? Or what if her potential fiance had a bit too much wine (it has been known to happen at weddings) and wasn't in a receptive mood? Or if she couldn't get him alone because he'd been cornered by Great Aunt Gladys or was busy having a laugh with his mates? Too much potential for things to go wrong (or not-quite-right) in my opinion.

YANBU.

A pair of brothers I know got engaged within a couple of days of each other and I thought that was inappropriate. I felt sorry for the eldest (who got engaged first), and though his younger brother wasn't the one who proposed, I can't help but think he badgered his partner into it after hearing his brother's news (he is a bit of a drama queen).

Like itdoesnthurt implied, I don't even think it's appropriate at someone's birthday party, let alone a wedding!

How very rude I am afraid I would be uninviting them ASAP to be honest. Your friend sounds attention seeking and selfish.

Oh god. OPs friend is going to turn up in a white dress isnt she.

OP yadnbu. Your friend sounds like an attention seeker. Speak to a mutual friend about it who can pointedly explain the expression "raining on someones parade"

It's your day, not hers.

Tell her no and also uninvite her because she might think if she does it somewhere just her and her DP and away from the other guests or not on the actual ceremony day, it would be okay, but sounds like she might still 'announce' it during your wedding ceremony/reception.

My sister in law's best friend proposed to his girlfriend at her own wedding (ie SIL marrying my brother!). It was done privately away from everyone but I still thought it mighty strange. They did announce it too later in the evening reception. I thought it bad taste really. He was very drunk, but still! (they are married now BTW).
Brother and SIL seemed fine with it though. I thought it a bit attention seeking and bad form, there were many of us come from the other side of the world to this wedding, focus shouldve been all on brother and sil.

My cousin did this at her brothers wedding, it clearly didn't have the desired effect as everyone openly groaned!
I'd tell everyone what she is planning on doing beforehand and then get them to keep hinting at her all day about it in front of her other half. I bet she chickens out...

DH's cousin's boyfriend proposed at our wedding. I think it was a spur of the moment thing, feeling all romantic and gooey kind of thing. It was all kept very quiet though and very tastefully done. I can't remember whether we found out the next day as everyone was leaving, or if we found out later but we were thrilled for them. It was lovely to think that someone was so touched by our big day that they felt compelled to make that commitment.

Of course, had it been a pre-arranged thing and announced at our wedding then I might have felt a bit different about it all...

I think it's rude.

By the way, did anyone else see this thread being discussed on TV the other day?

I think it was Loose Women?