Proposing on somebody else's wedding... AIBU?

[aurynne]

Hi all. My DP and I are getting married in January, in a very simple beach wedding followed by a BBQ, only family and close friends, all staying in an outdoors centre very close to the beach (note: wedding is in New Zealand, and it's Summer there in Jan :).

One of my friends, who is invited to the wedding, told me some days ago that she is planning to propose to her DP in my wedding, "as she thinks it would be very romantic". I did not say anything, because I was a bit taken aback, to be honest.

Now I have had time to think about it, I have conflicting feelings about it. I am very relaxed about my wedding, no dress code, no formalities, etc... So I do believe I am as far away from a bridezilla as can be. However, there is something I don't like about someone else using our wedding to frame their own proposal.

As I honestly have no idea about wedding etiquette, and it may just be that I am being selfish and should just be happy for my friend, I would like to ask for wisdom here...

AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable with the idea and considering asking her to propose the day after?

Have you ever proposed on someone else's wedding, or know someone who did? Do you think it is appropriate? If you witnessed it, how did it go?

What? Why? If she wants to marry him. Why not just get on and ask him now? It's like saying ' I want a baby. Let's wait for christmas/birthday/wedding to ask dp'. Weird. Anyway isn't is something you talk about rather than just asking ?

I think yanbu. What if he says no? That'd put a dampener on your day

YANBU

YANBU

Completely tasteless and tactless of her IMO. Is she really a friend? If so she will probably feel mortified that she could do anything to upset you on your wedding day (and has just been thoughtless about this) so I think you should tell her straight. If she thinks you are BU about this then I'm afraid she is no friend at all and you should ditch her

Yanbu

Rude and selfish IMO.

I do think it's a bit tacky to steal the romance of your day.

Your plan is lovely though, off on the beach with a lone lantern. :) Plus, it's later in the day, as you said, and not during the ceremony or anything awful like that!

it happened at my (1st) wedding too, SIL badgered her b/f to do it - said since all the family were gathered together and we were having a party anyway...

the nasty embittered part of me sees her whole intrusion on the 'happiest day of my life' as an ensign, i divorced the abusive bastard man 6 years after, and she is on her 4th marriage

the reflective forgiving part of me thinks the same

tell your friend to stop being so cheap and downright attentionseeking, she can't piggyback an event full of your friends and family and make it all about her

I think a quiet word should do it. She MUSTN'T upstage you - apart from anything else, there will be lots of people at your wedding who don't know her and will think she is out of order.

A friend proposed at our wedding. I actually encouraged it. I had been with Mr euro for years and towards the time he eventually proposed I started to find weddings quite difficult because they were invariably couples who had got together when we had already been together for ages. I had a suspicion his gf felt the same, so I encouraged him to do it.

The only annoying thing was that the photographer decided to do the usual big group shot right at the beginning of the drinks reception rather than the end so my friend was off organising things (he went for a rather elaborate proposal with a big banner that needed to be put up) so he and a couple of mates are not in the shot. However, neither of us knew he was going to do that and I didn't realise he wasn't there at that point or I would have stopped the photographer. Anyway, the proposal went well and she said yes.

I was really happy for them and when I said a few words after dinner I got everyone to toast them. :)

Actually, my stepdad did this at my wedding. But it was totally appropriate for our family circumstances and added to the general loveliness of the day for us all. However, he had asked my 'permission' well in advance and certainly wouldn't have done it if DH or I hadn't fully supported the idea.

He didn't propose publically, but announced it quietly during his speech.

Friends on the other hand - YADNBU!

YANBU. How odd.I think your idea is lovely but I think I would just say it's your special day and could she do it another time. People are odd aren't they. I got engaged the night before a friends wedding and didnt breathe a word until after. You just wouldn't. Some people are very attention seeking though. I had a friend wear a white, satin, strapless dress to my wedding. The only thing that differentiated it from my wedding dress was hers was knee length and mine was floor length and had some embroidery on. 8 years on I still get people talking about the strange lady wearing a wedding dress to someone elses wedding

I don't think that is on.

I was a bit when I was showing my wedding photos to a friend, who was over from NZ for a very short time, and then her mum brought out her own wedding photos. She was on her third marriage, so it shouldn't have been such a novelty to her...

We found out that a couple got engaged at our wedding when we returned from honeymoon. We missed it all as we were busy circulating. I think it just happened at the time because it made the bloke all romantic.

Not sure about planned proposals though. Seems a bit false

I would have quite liked this, I think, but only if they were close friends or family (bit weird if it was someone from the office), but I do think that most people would be offended, and so YANBU.
I hated the attention I was given on my wedding day, and so anyone stealing the limelight would have been welcomed with champagne and cake!

I got engaged about six weeks before my sister got married. My mother made me promise not to tell anyone until after the wedding. I felt pissed off at this, but did so. So I told people at the reception. I deliberately waited until 10pm so that my sister had had her big day. This was in the 1990s in the days before text messaging, home email, social networking etc and I wanted to take the oppurtunity of having my family around, so i discretely told a few people - brothers, favourite uncle and aunt. That's all. Big mistake - fifteen years later people are still going in about how I stole her thunder and spoilt her day. It was even mentioned in the speeches at my wedding two years later. It was 4 people! It was 10pm! It was private conversations, not a drunken announcement on a microphone!

So, it would appear that getting engaged, or at least announcing your engagement, at someone else's wedding is considered impolite. Still fail to see why though.

Because the day is about the bride and groom's romance and joy, not anyone elses. If my DP proposed to me at a wedding I'd be hurt that he didn't even bother to create 'our' own romantic scenario.

I think it's completely bonkers to wait six months to propose, but I also think that a wedding is, IMO, aboutnjoynsharedbwithbeveryone you love, and it would make my wedding even more amazing and joy-filled if an engagement of two people I loved happened there. I don't believe in the 'it's my day', 'stealing thunder' thing because to me it's about sharing and a chance for family and friends to be all together to celebrate love. If it were me I would say 'fab, butnif he says yes, please let me raise a toast to you both '. I'd be delighted I think :)

Could you ask her not to?

I wouldn´t make provision for her though-I´d let her make a tit of herself-or uninvite her tbh.

You sound like a lovely friend for coming up with an alternative idea but YANBU. I presume that as it's in NZ everyone is going for a few days, could you suggest an alternative "scenic spot" that would be romantic on another day after your wedding? I was lucky to have a wonderful day; some lunacy from friends and family but only to be expected when there's over 100 people around, law of averages! (although my dh's cousins then girlfriend telling me all about her abortion when I was still in my big frock at the reception was distinctly surreal!!).

why don't you plant the seed that the bloke say no - and then she'd have been humiliated in front of all those people.....

YANBU at all.
Can't you just ask her to wait until the day after you wedding. That wouldn't be too brideziller'ish at all.

Frightfully bad manners which, if she goes ahead, will reflect on her, not you.

Very rude of her. I would tell her to choose another day and create her own romantic scenario to propose, not take yours.

My exHs brother announced his engagement on our wedding day and hadn't even told us he was engaged, never mind asking if it was ok to announce it. And he did the whole 'spoon on glass listen up everybody' thing so he got everyone's attention for the rest of the night.

I wasn't happy.

I think your 'friend' is BVVU! FFS, spoiling someone's day with an attention-seeking scene like that. I wouldn't even invite her if she was going to do that. I can't stand people who have to get all the attention all the time, and I'm sure we all know people like that. Selfish woman.

Show her this thread!

She will look like a tit.

Even if they try, no one upstages the bride and groom at their wedding. That wouldn't be the bit you should be concerned about.

All the guests will be like , and as it's a possibility her DP could say no, it could end in utter disaster.