Proposing on somebody else's wedding... AIBU?

[aurynne]

Hi all. My DP and I are getting married in January, in a very simple beach wedding followed by a BBQ, only family and close friends, all staying in an outdoors centre very close to the beach (note: wedding is in New Zealand, and it's Summer there in Jan :).

One of my friends, who is invited to the wedding, told me some days ago that she is planning to propose to her DP in my wedding, "as she thinks it would be very romantic". I did not say anything, because I was a bit taken aback, to be honest.

Now I have had time to think about it, I have conflicting feelings about it. I am very relaxed about my wedding, no dress code, no formalities, etc... So I do believe I am as far away from a bridezilla as can be. However, there is something I don't like about someone else using our wedding to frame their own proposal.

As I honestly have no idea about wedding etiquette, and it may just be that I am being selfish and should just be happy for my friend, I would like to ask for wisdom here...

AIBU to feel a bit uncomfortable with the idea and considering asking her to propose the day after?

Have you ever proposed on someone else's wedding, or know someone who did? Do you think it is appropriate? If you witnessed it, how did it go?

God no. How attention stealy and weird to plan it so far in advance. Stamp on it now! And your wedding sounds gorgeous

That's appalling! YADNBU. I'd be horrified if I were a guest at a wedding where someone did that. Could you suggest she does it at a New Year party if she must do it in public?

How rude! I went to a wedding in Kenya once and a friend's partner took advantage of the beautiful setting to propose to her before the wedding. She kept it a secret, didn't tell a soul and didn't wear the ring until after the wedding so as not to steal anyone's thunder. I'd be livid if someone had upstaged me at my wedding! Regardless of how elaborate or simple your wedding, what that stayed with me after mine was this incredible feeling of the whole day, from the second I woke up, being all about ME (and a bit about my husband). I'd set her straight if I were you.

Wow, that is self absorbed. I think you're being very kind and diplomatic, I think I'd be sorely tempted to simply ask her to choose another day.

It's your wedding day not Valentine's Day. It is all about you and your STB DH and the romance of the day is because of you two.

What an odd thing to want to do, I hope she comes to her senses and that you have a lovely time.

You need to get hold of the bloke and get him to propose at some point in the next 6 months.

TheSkiingGardener... if I do that, she may find it a great idea to actually get married on the same day I do, taking advantage of the romantic moment :P

OP - I love your suggestion of how she should do it. It's beautifully romantic: what a lovely little experience to give to someone. ... And I'm return I believe you should get to name their first born. It's only fair

She is clearly a loon.
Can't you get one of your mutual friends to have a quiet word?

Depends how she does it I suppose?

If she's going to make a drama of it and snatch the mic so the spotlight falls on her - then thats a bit crass. If it's one of those things she does on the spur of the moment, whispered in the ear, then not such a big thing.

But it won't be spur of the moment will it? She has already told OP of her plans.
I agree though, if she does on the quiet without making a song and dance about it on OPs wedding day and doesn't make the announcement till the following day at least then maybe it would be ok.
I was not a Bridezilla isn't that what all brides say but it would have pissed me off anyway.
OP tell your friend if she proposes on your wedding day, then on hers you will announce your pregnancy

Could be amusing if the BF declines the proposal

YANBU. I think it's rather odd, unless she does it so discreetly that nobody else knows until the following day - but I can see it'll play on your mind during 'your day'. Definitely have a few words and ask her not to upstage you.

I once went to a wedding of a couple I barely knew (they were friends with a newish BF of mine). It was a really laid-back affair, in fact IIRC we didn't even go to the registry office. They just had a party on a pleasure boat on the Thames, but at some point (after the v informal speeches, I think) another couple announced that they'd got married the day before. There were muted congratulations to the other couple, but I think everyone thought it was a bit strange that they'd 'used' the first couple's reception as their own too, IYSWIM.

My close friend's DH proposed at our wedding. He wanted to take advantage of the romantic setting we had chosen (cheapskate) and apparently planned it months in advance. It only bothered me because the first opportunity i had to talk to my friend (weddings being v. busy) all she wanted to do was talk about her proposal and forthcoming wedding. I did feel quite put out to be honest but just ignored it. But my other friends didn't ignore it and made a big deal about how inappropriate it was to propose on my big day. It caused a big rift between my friends.

I've been married twice and it's happened at both my weddings. I personally find it tacky and I was quite annoyed !!!

I think YABU to want her not to propose at all.

I can't see what a private proposal has to do with you even if it does happen at your wedding.

A big public proposal would be terrible. But then they always are.

And it would seem even more naff if you chose to do it at an event hosted by someone else for their own wedding.

Your idea of how she should do it sounds lovely and romantic. Have you suggested that to her?

Do you think she would attempt a public shaming into marriage-style proposal? [cringe]

You would be doing her, her boyfriend, and all your guests a favour if you knocked that idea on the head.

Grey Sorry if I haven't understood but do you mean both the groom to be and the bride to be planned the proposal?
Who the fuck plans a proposal that the person in question knows about?

OMG Newtothisstuff, I hope you are no longer friends with these people who proposed at your weddings!

Cripes no! I strongly suspect my wedding influenced my auntys decision to tie the knot, but effectively using your day as an engagement party? Er no! Not on any planet!

The only way I could see this as vaguely acceptable is if she'd colluded with you, and as you were both leaving, you threw the bouquet, she caught it, and proposed spur of the moment, when you'd completely gone. No-one should ever upstage the bride!

No it's totally wrong! It's your day I've never heard of anyone doing it!

My DH proposed at his Sisters wedding.
Two caveats .... It was their second ceremony (they had a registry office do and a big church blessing 6mths later) We only told the bride & groom & DH's parents (we didn't want to take anything from their day, but they weren't bothered and insisting on telling everybody over the microphone)
We went for a walk away from the evening party and DH proposed on top of a hill with a stunning view. It was unexpected and surprisingly romantic for DH .

I'm with the majority here and I think it would be a bit off to propose at someone else's wedding. You want people to remember and enjoy YOUR day, not someone's shock proposal! I'm surprised your friend has even told you about the plans, but as she has I'd ask her if she could do it the day after or something rather than at your actual wedding or the reception.

I think people should find their OWN romantic moment instead of using someone's wedding as an engagement party. It just seems..Cheap. If DP proposed to me this way I'd say no way!

YANBU. Also she is proposing to her bf.... bleeergh. If he says 'no' (and if he hasn't asked her yet there's a fair chance he will), she will have your anniversary to remind her of a crap day in her life. Also if he is like most of the population, he may think he using your day to ask is an awful thing to do and so refuse on the basis that she's obviously someone who is all about herself.

Sorry to all the feminists out there; I'm sure there are lots of lady proposers who are in great marriages, I just think it's a wank thing to do 99% of the time.

he may think her using your day...