AIBU to want my ILs to use my name?

[sc2987]

I want to bring my daughter up calling me by my name, rather than Mummy (please note I am not asking if IABU about this, I am happy with this choice).

I have been very careful to find out and use the names my ex and his family wish to be known by (the two great-grandmothers are Nanny X and Great Granny, grandmother is Nanny, grandfather is Grandpa, father is Daddy).

They all know I want to be known as but insist on calling me Mummy. As I rarely have the opportunity to refer to myself by name, presumably she is going to pick Mummy up in preference.

It would be fine if they were using it as a descriptive label, in the same way as e.g. sister (your sister has a toy for you), but in any case where they would use the sister's name, I would prefer my name to be used.

I haven't been pushy about this, I stated it before she was born, and a couple of times since when relevant (i.e. they were talking about when she might learn to say the word).

I think if my ex would go along with it, they would too, but he is abusive and not likely to agree to anything unless there's something in it for him.

I started a big thread on here about this very subject a few months ago and it kicked off in the same way it has done here.

At first I thought it was weird and mean for children to be calling their parents by their first name. I have two friends who grew up calling their parents by their first names and both friends are pretty messed up and have very difficult relationships with their parents.

But I realise that you can't extrapolate from that small sample that calling parents by first names fucks you up.

I revised my opinion after that thread. A lot of posters gave examples where their children had simply decided of their own accord to call them by their first names instead of mum and dad. Fair enough.

And it sounds like there are a lot of posters here who are perfectly okay with having grown up calling their parents by their real names. Again, fair enough.

But what I do think is sad is if a child wants to call a parent mummy and the parent keeps correcting them. Otherwise the child's going to feel wrong and scolded for wanting to use a perfectly normal and widely accepted term of endearment.

Basically I'm saying YANBU to give it a try. But don't force it if your DD doesn't want to do it. Because then its just all about you and what you want. Which you don't get to indulge in when you're a parent.

If it doesn't matter what a child calls their parent (and it doesn't) then who cares how rigid the parent is about what they want to be called?

The child is 17 months old and I'm sure completely unbothered by what her mother wants to be called.

I don't mean I wouldn't remember that someone saying 'your mum' to her was me, or her saying 'my mum'. But I've spent 28 years being directly addressed as sc2987, and it doesn't come naturally to me to attempt to overwrite that just because you think I should. Just because lots of people do find it easy to switch, doesn't mean everyone does or should.

And I see no reason to anyway. It's more a case of 'why?' than 'why not?'. The answers given for 'why?' just don't convince me. I am sure she will not feel rejected by me because (unlike the mother of those 10 children taken into care) I love my daughter and treat her as such.

I agree with you madonna - you have articulated that very well.

Sc you decide what you want to be called. The title mum doesn't make you a mum. I know plenty of kids who called theirs mum and are now in care due to this "mum". Weather she calls you mum or not she is still been looked after.

I did already say I wouldn't be insisting on it and just might explain to her I preferred sc2987 if it came up. So I'm not sure where the accusations of rigidity came in.

Just because someone says they prefer X doesn't mean they will be horrible to someone in order to get it.

OP - I'm sure you are a wonderful, loving mum...I'm not questioning that at all...Christ, I wouldn't - what do I know??

I just happen to think that your stance on the name is pretty adolescent in it's reasoning.

No-one has trouble switching to 'mum'. Don't be silly. That's not the reason you don't want to be called mum. At least be honest with yourself about that, and admit that it is fuelled by you wanting to stand out from the herd. You want to be noticed and commended for your individualism.

That's fine - and of course up to you - but don't make out it's anything different.

OP - I don't understand why you think this is even an issue. You raise your child - you get the final say on what she calls you. You say you rarely have an opportunity to call yourself by your name in front of her but that's something you can change. Personally, I find plenty of opportunities to refer to myself as mummy with my 9mo son. Why can't you just drop your name into conversation more with her?

As I posted above I called my parents by their first names and I have given my children the choice. I answer to mum, I answer to my name and I have even been known to answer to MrsGrumpyPants .

I don't like unrelated children calling me Auntie very much and I would suggest they used my name unless it would upset the parents (DH's culture tends to use titles much more and his grown up neices and nephews will call him uncle etc)

I was given a name 41 years ago and have been known by this name ever since. Anyone and everyone can call me by this name but only DS can call me mummy.

I waited a very long time to be a mother and take delight every time I hear my new given name, spoken by my child.

But hey, if this isn't for you sc2987 then so be it. Your DD will probably call you what she chooses and as long as you love and cherish her then things should work out just fine.

Agreed Alberto.

Pictish it's funny, because I too agree with what Madonna said. And haven't said anything against that in this thread. So not sure where all the hate came in.

Thanks for telling me what's in my own head though! As I said, I have a number of reasons for wanting to be called sc2987. None of them involves being different for the sake of it.

And I'm not lying about having trouble remembering to answer to Mummy. Maybe it's an Asperger's thing. Whatever the reason, my brain is not your brain. Just because you can do it, doesn't mean I can. It's incredibly arrogant of you to tell me what I am and aren't capable of.

G1nger I already agreed with Edith very early on in the thread that I would try that. Most of the rest of the posts have basically been about people saying it's wrong to do it at all, which wasn't the question I was asking. I'd just assumed initially that she would follow others' lead if she heard Mummy more from them. But from anecdotes on this thread I can see that may not be the case. So my original question is already answered, am just defending my choice now.

Fair enough OP - I will duck out and shut up.
Who gives a shit what we think anyway - it's your life, your name, your call.

All the best xx

Who, really, could possibly give a fuck about what another woman wants her kids to call her? If you want to talk about self-indulgent tosh, then getting all worked up about some randoms unknown child and how horribly traumatised they will be certainly fits that bill.

OP, yanbu. But really, you've just got to suck it up, do your own thing, and let them say what they will.

YANBU - Unless your child suddenly wants to start calling you 'Mum / Mummy' then there is no reason for ILs to disregard your wishes.
They may not be deliberately trying to upset you - maybe they just don't understand your choice very well.
But it is YOUR choice.
Just like if your MIL wanted to be called 'Gran' instead of 'Nan'.
So they should respect that & work with you.

I have a cousin, & also a friend, who were brought up to call parents by their first names - it seemed odd to me because i wasn't used to it. But it was completely normal & acceptable to the children.
My cousin has a bad relationship with her parents (due to their messy divorce - nothing to do with what name she called them by!). She has 2 children; i think they call her 'Mummy' but that was her choice (rebelling against my Auntie who had lots of affairs).
My friend (has no DC of his own yet) & his younger brother have a great relationship with their parents - because they are lovely & again, nothing to do with what name their children used.

My toddler dd2 and all her mates go through phases of calling their mothers by their given name... because that's what they hear everyone else call me/her and they pick up on that. It didn't bother me tbh, she knows which of the women sitting in the corner ignoring her children at toddler group is her mum. It doesn't change anything. If she wanted to continue calling me by my first name it would be fine with me.

It seems to me that the OP has her reasons for her decision, and regardless of what anyone thinks, she has the right to do so. This thread isn't about what the OP wants her child to call her.

I would ignore it OP, your dc will know your name and also your "job description" - much the same way as your family members might describe her teacher as "your teacher" but she will know that she calls her teacher "Mr Bloggs".

However I do think you need to consider what you'll do/say if later on your dd asks to call you Mum/Mam/whatever, like all her mates do. ime small girls often want to do whatever their mates are doing.

Just to prepare my Mum for when she (hopefully) becomes a grandmother: I pick up my cat & say, ''look, it's Granny!!''
It totally winds my Mum up but not as much as saying ''Nanny''... Hehe :)))

Sorry - but when a mother says she 'doesn't want to be put in the position' of answering to mum - I think that's harsh.

I won't reply to 'mummy' from my DD, should she ever call me that. She's two, and so far it hasn't happened, but I expect she might 'try it out' once she goes to school and hears other kids using it more often. If that happens, I expect I will simply correct her with a smile and move on. My sister does the same and there is nothing "harsh" in her relationship with her son!

It's not what I call myself, it is not a word our culture (please stop pretending that the UK is one homogenous mummy-calling culture! it is supremely arrogant!) uses, and so why would I teach her to call me that? I might as well reply when she calls me "ama" or "maman" or "uncle" or "flowerpot". (actually, I have another nephew who called his mother "cat" for a couple of years, and she was fine wih thatand it became her special name with him - but if she hadn't felt right about it, she'd have put an end to it with some gentle correction.)

I waited a very long time to be a mother and take delight every time I hear my new given name, spoken by my child.
See, I think this is wonderful. I too waited a long time to be a mother, and delight in hearing the name I chose to use to express that relationship, spoken by my child. I suspect that the OP also takes great pleasure in hearing her name on the lips of her precious child.
But even though this position (and I'm not replying just to you, alberto - lots of posters have expressed the same idea, and actually there is nothing wrong with it!) - I like the way it makes me feel to hear 'mummy' - is a "selfish" and "self-centred" position - it is all about how we as the mothers feel - that is perfectly okay, whereas the decision to use a different word to achieve the same result, is being condemned by some of the same posters. As if they are better parents or superior people.

When DD was little she chose to call me by my name, which I was fine with. She is a teenager now and calls me mummy (mum in front of her friends )

I don't see any problem with children calling their parents by their given name providing they are happy to do so but I do agree with Pictish's comments.

You can ask your dc to call you whatever you like and hopefully she'll comply but what are you going to do if she wants to be more traditional and call you 'Mummy' or Mum'. Whose rights will trump?

I think that your ils should respect your choice to call yourself something else but realistically, you can't make them.

TBH you sound like you are trying to distinguish yourself from the rest of society by making different choices and in doing so you are making yourself hard work.

Also, you might like to think about whether you want people you come across informally to think you're you dc's childminder or foster carer because in these relationships the child usually calls them by their given name.

Whose rights will trump?

Sorry, what? Since when is calling someone by whatever name one prefers, a "right"? Patently ridiculous. There is no "right" of a child to say "mummy".

On the other hand, the right to control one's own name and self-identity is reasonably well-established in both legal and universal terms, the two fronts on which human rights are defined.

You can ask your dc to call you whatever you like and hopefully she'll comply but what are you going to do if she wants to be more traditional and call you 'Mummy' or Mum'.
Um, tell her it is not acceptable and that she needs to stop? Obviously.

Also, you might like to think about whether you want people you come across informally to think you're you dc's childminder or foster carer because in these relationships the child usually calls them by their given name.

Do people still really have such a narrow view of family life? I think not. My DSCs use my first name, and I am not, nor am I routinely confused with, their childminder or foster carer. (Sometimes they confuse me with the housekeeper, but that is a subject for a different board...)

In an era of blended families, gay or lesbian-led families, and multicultural families, many people are parents without using the labels of "mummy" and "daddy"...frankly, if other people don't comprehend that, it is their problem and a sign of their great ignorance.

brdgrl I've found there are an awful lot of "better parents" and "superior people" here on mumsnet. At least that's what they think.

Me? I'm getting by and learning the role day by day. I'm finding out what suits me and what I prefer.

Apart from the extreme stories you read and hear about, we're all surely just doing the best by our own standards? Just because it may be different it doesn't make any of us bad parents.

I say good luck to the OP. Good luck to all of us. Parenting is damn hard work

I probably won't say "you must call me sc2987", as I wouldn't mind a phase of her calling me anything in general (like someone said their child called them 'cat' for a while). But she will have to understand that I won't answer as quickly/naturally to anything but sc2987. And I will tell her I prefer that if she calls me anything else regularly.