AIBU to want my ILs to use my name?

[sc2987]

I want to bring my daughter up calling me by my name, rather than Mummy (please note I am not asking if IABU about this, I am happy with this choice).

I have been very careful to find out and use the names my ex and his family wish to be known by (the two great-grandmothers are Nanny X and Great Granny, grandmother is Nanny, grandfather is Grandpa, father is Daddy).

They all know I want to be known as but insist on calling me Mummy. As I rarely have the opportunity to refer to myself by name, presumably she is going to pick Mummy up in preference.

It would be fine if they were using it as a descriptive label, in the same way as e.g. sister (your sister has a toy for you), but in any case where they would use the sister's name, I would prefer my name to be used.

I haven't been pushy about this, I stated it before she was born, and a couple of times since when relevant (i.e. they were talking about when she might learn to say the word).

I think if my ex would go along with it, they would too, but he is abusive and not likely to agree to anything unless there's something in it for him.

OP- YANBU for you to not want GPs to undermine you, however is it something you are willing to cause tension over? Are they good gps otherwise?

Ultimately someone somewhere will refer to you as 'mummy' - people at schools/nursery/friends parents/strangers in shops etc, so it's something that she will come across anyway so at least she will be used to knowing that means you (even if that is not what she calls you)

Reading all these posts is so interesting - I didn't realise it was such an emotive subject. Personally, I love Mummy. Anyone in the world can call me 'whata' but only two special people can call me 'mummy'.

I say no matter what anyone thinks this is OPs choice. She isn't harming anyone by wanting her daughter to call her by her name.

OP your PIL's need to respect your.decision whether they like it or not. They can't dictate what your daughter calls you.

But if I called my mum by her name she would beat the.shit out of me she doesnt like her name though tbh

"Ultimately, the OP's decision is not a loving, caring or nurturing thing to do - it is selfish"

On what possible basis can you make that assertion?

It's no more or less "loving, caring or nurturing" than wanting your child to call you Mummy. It's just different.

I'm surprised you think my tone is bullying when you're prepared to say something like that about a mother who just wants her choice about what her children call her to be respected.

It is an emotive issue. And I must say I was quite upset at somebody suggesting that I am going to be a shitty Grandma who won't see much of her grandchildren before I even have any. I thought that was quite out of order I'm afraid. I only said what I would do in my own family.

brdgrl, I like the cut of your jib. No advice on how to make the ILs fall into line, but I have not dissimilar issues with mine continually referring to me as 'Mrs My Husband'sName', when I'm 'Dr MyOwnName', and addressing cards etc to our baby using my husband's surname, when in fact he has my surname. I just correct each time, with an air of patience.

I'm sorry, but it's selfish because it seems to be all about her and what she wants and her issues about society, not about what her dd might feel or want. Her daughter is already at a disadvantage with an abusive dad, and now she's not allowing her to call her mummy, based on HER hang ups about society, not about what's best for the little girl.

I'm just giving my opinion A Thing, that's not bullying, whereas your playground tone telling another poster they had 'their own personal troll' seemed bullying to me.

Agree with you there Vivien - I thought that was a bit over the top too. I am surprised to see some of the posts in relation to it all on both sides of the argument.

I bet most of us started out calling our Mums Mummy and then moved to Mum, no? What we call people can change, kids change, it's all OK in the end.

I call my DH all manner of names

Vivienne - what you would do in your family, should they not parent as you see fit, is to behave in an appalling way that will upset the parents of your grandchildren.

If you really think it's OK to undermine people like that deliberately without any thought for the effects on the children, then you WILL be a shitty grandparent.

It's not a reality yet. You have plenty of time to learn how to respect your children's choices.

Thanks Whatmistake. Must must not take things said here to heart!!

So even if you think the parents are being shitty parents, you as a grandparent must go along with their choices, no matter what? Maybe the op's IL's just see that her choice is selfish and weird and want to reassure the dd that she DOES have a mummy, not some self important woman who thinks she's above the name.

And AThing, if you think the ILs are behaving appallingly by calling the op mummy, you are pretty sheltered I'm afraid - there are far far worse things a grandparent could do!

I don't think you're being unreasonable - your DD, your name, your choice I reckon - but I don't think there's much more than you've already done to get your ILs to use your name.

Having said that though, I don't think it will matter what word they choose to use because I think your DD will follow your lead so I reckon just let it slide with the ILs and continue what you're doing.

FWIW, my parents used their first names with me when I was young and apparently my GPs and CM used "Mummy/Mum" and "Daddy/Dad". I don't remember any of this - I suppose when you're learning the language around you, you assimilate it all as "the norm". So if ILs call you Mummy, your DD will learn that this is what they call you when referring to you in relation to her.

I don't think she'll be confused and I think she'll follow your lead, not theirs.

I apparently gradually started to use "Mummy/Mum" and "Daddy/Dad" once I went to school and actually don't remember any of this. Whenever we've talked about it, I've always really respected and understood my parents' choice using their first name with me (their reasons were different from yours - more about breaking down what they saw as unnecessary formalities) and although I've always called them Mum and Dad, I do appreciate what they were trying to do.

Maybe I'm projecting my parents onto you, but I think you're going to be a lovely mother and your DD is very lucky. Even if one day she starts to call you Mum, you can tell her what you tried to do and your reasons and you'll have still created the effect you're currently going for.

Just remembered, my friend who was brought up in the same way now refers to her parents as interchangeably Mum/Dad and their names so maybe your DD will do this - it feels very natural when my friend does it.

Feck, this is long!

You've made a decision some will find a bit weird. That's fine but YABU to expect the world will be bound some rule that you will only be referred to as x and not by any other label.

What will you do if your DD later decides to call you Mummy?

Perhaps your in laws are doing it to wind you up? Or they think what you have decreed is strange and are carrying on regardless. Probably they don't give it much thought and as it is perfectly normal for adults to refer to a toddlers mother as Mummy, that is what they are doing.

Op, if you refer to yourself as sc to your dd then I am sur that is what he will call you as that is what he will hear most of the time. My children call me mummy because I have always called myself mummy to them. Yes, other people will say take that to mummy ect but they also call me by my name in front of the children. I am happ being called mummy, mum, momma ect by my childre. It is your choice what your child calls you but as they grow up people will automatically say 'mummy' hm referring to you (at nursery, school, friends houses ect) so I would be good or her to know who or what a mummy is as she develops.

I'm sure the ops dd will know what a mummy is, even if she calls her by a different name. I knew my mum was my mum, even though I didn't call her that. Obviously.

I think some people here need to get a grip, seriously. It's just a name, it matters so little in the whole scheme of things.

It may be just a name to some of you, but to a little girl who hears everyone else calling their mothers mum or mummy, it may come to mean a lot more than that and end up being the root of a lot of insecurity - you've got to be a bit thick or insensitive not to be able to see it from a child's perspective, though some of you seem too selfish to be able to think about it from any other persons' viewpoint but your own.

I was that little girl horribleneighbours
Get a grip.

I think it's nice for kids to call their parents mum and dad cos they only have one in the world.

As a teenager I thought it was cool for kids to call their parents by their own names, now I just find it pretentious.

And like someone mentioned upthread, out and about people will think you are the childminder....

I am proud to be known as the mum of DS....

I was that little girl too.

I suppose I'm as insecure as the next person, but I don't attribute that to my parenting.

I had a lovely relationship with my parents. Still do.

Why is it pretentious? Please explain?

though some of you seem too selfish to be able to think about it from any other persons' viewpoint but your own.

do your own kids call you "pot" or "kettle"?

Why are you so determined to make an issue of this? There have already been posters on here - both mothers and daughters - who have said that they did this and it was fine. I haven't seen any posts (maybe someone will magically produce one now...) saying "My mummy didn't let me call her mummy and now I'm in therapy!"

Moreover, the OP doesn't indicate in the least that her child is demonstrating any resistance to this practice. Her problem is that her in-laws are not listening to her preference. Presumably your concern then should be directed towards the great harm done to them by haing to engage in a cultural practice with which they are unfamiliar. Perhaps they need therapy.

The relationship is about a lot more than the name. If someone feels insecure because their parents aren't addressed by the same name as everyone else's parents then it is a fair bet that there is a lot more at the root of that insecurity than what his or her parents like to be called, IMO.

I have only ever called my mum by her real name - I'm now old enough to have kids of my own and pleased to report that this has never landed me on a therapists couch
It really, really is not a big deal. I have a great relationship with my mum, we are really, really close. She certainly isn't selfish or self centred. I find it sad that many of you would judge someone for using um, their own bloody name!

It does seem a strange choice. In a society where most people are doing the same fine but for one child in a large number who do not I think insecurity may creep in. Feelings of why? other kids teasing or not understanding. Is it really something that needs to be done? I think the real question is not AIBU but why do I feel the need to do this. You state it is your ex...do you feel perhaps you cant bond with the child somewhat over this? is this a way of dealing with those feelings? Maybe far fetched but the reason I say is I sometimes feel distant from my daughter because of a relative on her fathers side. when people say she looks like or is similar in ways I instantly have this wall come up and find it hard to be near her. Very sad and Im dealing with it but wondered if perhaps there were underlying issues. Where I am lots of people call aunts and uncles by first name which to my family seems rude and disrespectful. I do wonder what health officials and school teachers will think though. They may question things.