AIBU to want my ILs to use my name?

[sc2987]

I want to bring my daughter up calling me by my name, rather than Mummy (please note I am not asking if IABU about this, I am happy with this choice).

I have been very careful to find out and use the names my ex and his family wish to be known by (the two great-grandmothers are Nanny X and Great Granny, grandmother is Nanny, grandfather is Grandpa, father is Daddy).

They all know I want to be known as but insist on calling me Mummy. As I rarely have the opportunity to refer to myself by name, presumably she is going to pick Mummy up in preference.

It would be fine if they were using it as a descriptive label, in the same way as e.g. sister (your sister has a toy for you), but in any case where they would use the sister's name, I would prefer my name to be used.

I haven't been pushy about this, I stated it before she was born, and a couple of times since when relevant (i.e. they were talking about when she might learn to say the word).

I think if my ex would go along with it, they would too, but he is abusive and not likely to agree to anything unless there's something in it for him.

Whitewidow, I'm sorry you can't understand it.

I haven't got grandchildren but when I read this I thought well I wouldn't go along with that and I thought it would be hypocritical to say otherwise. So I was being honest not trying to argue.

My nephews ( 8 and 5 yrs old) call their parents by their first names not because they were told to but because they just decided to and weren't corrected as BIL and SIL aren't bothered.

I do find it weird to hear even now and do refer to mummy and daddy to them and it doesn't seem to confuse them, so I think your child will cope just fine with hearing both names.

AThing, if you read my post, I said it COULD - it is a big deal, not allowing your child to call you mum or mummy!

LAUGH OUT LOUD. How very childish. I suppose I shouldn't expect anything else should I really brdgrl

Brdgrl I also thought your post was a lot of twaddle, sorry, and I could understand it - it just sounded like the kind of self centred tosh you leave behind once you become a mother and have more to think about.

You wouldn't go along with the choice a parent of your grandchild made about what they wanted to be called?

Just because you didn't like it?

Really and truly?

Because that would make you a SHITTY grandparent.

It's not your call. You don't have to like it. But undermining a parent in a way that causes confusion for a child is unforgivably crap from a grandparent.

If you carry that kind of attitude through, you might find you see a great deal less of your grandchildren than you might hope.

no, probably not.

FFS, this thread is nuts.

I never called my mum "mummy". She wanted all us children to call her by her name. I never had any issue with it, she told us that she wanted to be a person not a job description and we accepted that. Occasionally people would ask us why we called her by her name and we would answer and that would be that. I certainly do not need therapy because of it and my mum was an extremely devoted and commited mother who always put us first.

My DD calls now my mum by her name as well because that is what mum wants. DD calls her other GM 'nanny' (which personally I loathe) because that is what nanny wants.

My DD calls me 'mummy' because that is what I want. My mum, although it would not be her choice, supports me in this.

Can't believe people are getting so wound up over this, it is simply a non issue as far as I'm concerned. OP, I suspect this thread has probably given you an incling into why your inlaws won't support your decision - because people are crazy!

My sympathies. My DH calls his parents by name, not role/title and although I found it a bit odd at first, I've always just gone with it. They, however, cannot pronounce my name. It's a simple name, of Greek origin, common in this country yet they regularly say it incorrectly. Never fails to piss me off.

I was an au pair for three boys some years ago - they called their parents by the first names.

The youngest used to call me 'mummy' from time to time, as it was your 'mummy' who picked you up from nursery. Another time he was say to me 'it's not fair, why haven't I got a mummy and daddy like everyone else'.

Not wishing to question your decision at all, but a couple of things you might have to overcome in time.

"it is a big deal, not allowing your child to call you mum or mummy!"

It's a big deal TO YOU.

It's not an objectively big deal.

Really, there are functioning, happy members of society who are close to their parents who have always called them by their first names.

Just because something is unusual doesn't mean it is WRONG.

I like to think my children wouldn't make such a choice as to refuse to let their children call them 'Mummy' or Daddy or whatever the norm was. I think that would make me extremely sad.

"the kind of self centred tosh you leave behind once you become a mother and have more to think about."

:o

Check it out TheSpoken - it's like you have your own personal troll!

Now that I'm a mother I still have plenty of time to be self-centred.

It's not really all that mentally taxing, is it?

If you want your child to call you by your name then be prepared for people to assume that you are not her Mother. If you can live with this, then good luck

Well, too many posts to reply to individually! It does seem that the people who are actually answering the question I asked don't think I'm being unreasonable on the whole. Although unlikely to succeed in getting them to change what they call me.

But it is good to hear personal experiences that imply she may call me sc2987 anyway.

If I had more children, my daughter would automatically become their sister. But nobody would start calling her Sister instead of X. I am a mother (and perfectly happy with that role) but my name is not Mummy.

Vivienne

Our children are going to make all sorts of choices we hope they don't.

That won't make it right to be passive-aggressive arseholes, particularly when it comes to how they parent their children.

Brdgrl I also thought your post was a lot of twaddle, sorry, and I could understand it - it just sounded like the kind of self centred tosh you leave behind once you become a mother and have more to think about.

horrible, I am raising three kids. Thankfully, I still have time to think about self-centred tosh like feminism, my own identity, and socio-political issues. That's probably a good thing for the kids.

I'm going to be the Grandma and the mil from hell. Oh dear.

isn't 'mother' (and its many variations) the most beautiful name any woman can hear?

do it your way, of course, but i'm always glad when my child calls me 'mummy'.

"isn't 'mother' (and its many variations) the most beautiful name any woman can hear?"

Nope.

That would be Icecream Man.

My DH was brought up having to call his parents by their first names. It was what he knew so only found it odd as he got older. By nature it didn't really bother him.
We are known as Mummy and Daddy by our children, but DH's parents asked to be known by their first names rather than grandad and grandma (or whatever). We respect that - the children know they are DH's Mum and Dad and are special ie names don't make a difference to the relationship.
BUT my FIL has scorned on us for wanting to be Mummy and Daddy and also uses our first names when talking to the children. That's just rude and odd (our 3YO is only really learning that we even have names other than Mummy and Daddy). I (rather immaturely) felt a bit smug that I could tell FIL that my SIL (DH's sister) was totally fine being called Auntie.

OP, it's totally up to you what you want your child to call you and others should respect that. Just be prepared for her to want to call you Mum when she's older and with her mates.

Who cares what a mother and child call each other but the people concerned My ds called me and dh mummy and daddy dolphin, then me -Mummy and dh- his name, now I get called by my name too. My IL's have to be called grandma and grandad by ds, dh and me! I'm quite tempted to get ds to call them by their names but it wouldn't really be fair to them.

I do hate my MIL calling me mummy though unless it's to ds

When I was little a family in our street did this. Only in a small village in West Yorkshire in the 70s it rather confused the children. We couldn't get our heads round calling an adult by their first name so her Dad ended up being called Peterdaddy by everyone in the neighbourhood. Rather sweet. (I think we just avoided calling her Mum anything, because she kept correcting us.)

Anyway, entirely your decision whether you want to be known as Mum, Mummy, Mater, Mama, Sheila, Kate or Rachel or indeed anything else. But because it's an unusual choice, some people will react strangely. In the end you and dd will work out something that makes sense to both of you. But strangers will refer to you as Mummy or Mum because it's a job title.

Ultimately, the OP's decision is not a loving, caring or nurturing thing to do - it is selfish, and I hope her little girl doesn't grow up to mind or feel sad about it.

AThing, I usually like your posts, but tonight you're coming across as a bit bullying I'm afraid.

When you have children, you need to put them first in my view, and if allowing them to call you mummy is really going to cause you great personal angst and irritation you have big issues.