AIBU to want my ILs to use my name?

[sc2987]

I want to bring my daughter up calling me by my name, rather than Mummy (please note I am not asking if IABU about this, I am happy with this choice).

I have been very careful to find out and use the names my ex and his family wish to be known by (the two great-grandmothers are Nanny X and Great Granny, grandmother is Nanny, grandfather is Grandpa, father is Daddy).

They all know I want to be known as but insist on calling me Mummy. As I rarely have the opportunity to refer to myself by name, presumably she is going to pick Mummy up in preference.

It would be fine if they were using it as a descriptive label, in the same way as e.g. sister (your sister has a toy for you), but in any case where they would use the sister's name, I would prefer my name to be used.

I haven't been pushy about this, I stated it before she was born, and a couple of times since when relevant (i.e. they were talking about when she might learn to say the word).

I think if my ex would go along with it, they would too, but he is abusive and not likely to agree to anything unless there's something in it for him.

I've called my mother by her first name for as long as I can remember, she has never minded, nor expressed a preference about what she would like to be called. We have always had a very loving relationship and I have always felt that she thinks of me as a friend and an equal. Since I have been an adult obviously.
My children call me and my DH both variations, actually my teenage daughter has started calling me Mummy lately, and my real name when she wants to get my attention!

Yes I get that people will refer to me as 'your mum' etc to her, that's fine anyway, it's the same as saying 'your sister is waiting outside'. Just in cases where they would use someone's name, I'd rather be called sc2987 than Mummy. If she did start calling me Mummy (on a regular basis) I'd tell her I preferred sc2987. Likewise, if when she's older she wanted me to use a nickname for her rather than her full name, I would.

madnortherner there are other reasons too, I do get the lack of formality bit. I don't think that just because I'm older or have a certain relationship to her that I automatically need her to use a title to refer to me, rather than my name like everyone else. I don't think that what she calls me will have any bearing on how much she respects, loves, and is comforted by me, as some people seem to be implying.

I see you've all ignored this

^I was an au pair for three boys some years ago - they called their parents by the first names.

The youngest used to call me 'mummy' from time to time, as it was your 'mummy' who picked you up from nursery. Another time he was say to me 'it's not fair, why haven't I got a mummy and daddy like everyone else'.^

There's no way in hell I'd risk my child feeling like this just because I can't deal with the fact I'm a mother, with a title.

My dc's call me Mum, Mummy, Mamma and also by my name. I don't really mind what they use, whatever they're comfortable with tbh. I wouldn't be prescriptive about it, and I do think it's odd that anyone would INSIST on one or the other.

Excellent. I am pretentious, selfish, uncaring, self-centred, unloving, weird, likely to be mistaken for the childminder and causing my child to be a candidate for therapy. Just because my child has never called me 'Mummy'.

"Why is it pretentious? Please explain?"

Just my opinion Noqontrol, can't be arsed to analyse it on MN at this time on Saturday night

I was never allowed to call my mother anything apart from her name, and to be honest, it has affected me. She didn't want to be a mum. She wasn't ready for it, wasn't a very effective mum (we were put in care) and to me 9siblings too I think) it was just yet another form of rejection and another barrier between us and 'normal' families.

That said, if you are loving etc. I'm sure it won't be an issue.

Oh goodness white widow, I accidentally called other peoples parents mummy too, particularly if my friend was shouting it to them. Just a case of forgetting that I should call them Mrs something or other. Nothing untoward. Nothing that needed to put me on the psychiatrists couch. I think sometimes things get way too overanalysed and too much thought goes into something, which really, quite frankly, nothing! I'm sure those children knew you were not their mother, nor had a deep routed hankering to call someone, anyone mummy

I think it's pretentious because it's focussing on what others hear rather than on what you're child understands. If your child knows you are their parent, you decide the boundaries, you are their comforter, you are their friend, you are their protector then it doesn't matter how they refer to you. They can use 'Mummy' or 'Mary' and it means the same thing to them. Saying you want to be called something is more about what other people hear your child say and then you get some sort of identity kick out of it. I don't get people who insist on Mummy rather than Mum either. That's pretentious too!

Noqontrol I'm taking about the fact the child said 'why haven't I got a mummy and daddy like everybody else'.

Missed the point completely.

And it wasn't my post

Well maybe those children had other issues going on then white widow, which would not be down to the simplicity of a name. Point not missed at all, clearly something bigger going on there doncha think?

Sorry, it didn't look clear that it wasn't your post. Apologies.

sc2987 Yes that's spot on, that's exactly what they'd say their reasons were. As I said, even though I apparently started to use mum/dad of my own accord, they still discussed those ideas with me throughout my upbringing. So in the end, what I called them was never an issue because it was only every now and again if the conversation came up that they'd tell me what they'd tried to do and why. The reasons behind their early decision have stayed with us throughout our relationship, as I'm sure it will for you no matter what she chooses to call you in the end.

Noqontrol - that may be, but based on what we've been told by their au pair, it was the nam (or rather lack of) e that caused the child to say that. You say it wouldn't be down to the simplicity of a name, but with a child very so called simple things like that can be very big things indeed. Especially when they start questioning WHY they cant say mummy and daddy or mum and dad. I think it's cruel. I really do. Each to their own though I suppose, I won't be doing it so I suppose it doesn't really matter. I just hope another child doesn't have to go through being confused like this one did

It's not about what people hear because I don't really want to be called Mummy at home alone either. I just don't at all identify with the word used in place of my name (rather than just as a description of my relationship to her), so would rather not be put in the position of having to answer to it.

I find it difficult to understand white widow because this is what I was brought up with. Which prompts me to say that there must have been other issues going on. Although of course it was my own choice to call my mum by her real name. I guess this makes a difference too.

But, really, as long as the child is brought up in a loving caring relationship then the name should not matter a jot. That's all that really matters isn't it, that the child is loved, secure and feels cared for.

How old is your daughter, sc?

I am not saying I'd insist on her calling me sc2987 by the way. But I would prefer it if my in-laws respected my wish to be called my own name. And that my daughter didn't feel the need to call me it (which she wouldn't if it weren't culturally mandated) in order to relate to me properly.

There's a bit of a difference between a one-off comment and needing therapy though. All children are different from their peers in some ways. Children of minority races might one day wonder out loud why they don't have pink skin, but that doesn't mean they'll grow up scarred by it.

15 months.

Kid :
Ausive father
Mother has difficult relationships with grandparents too.
Veganism
Must not say mummy.
Bloody hell. poor kid.

Yeah, I think you should let it slide with your ILs as I said. Don't give it much weight in your mind. Let them be.

To go back to the question of how can you get your ILs to use the name you want. The simple answer is you can't. You can ask them and repeat it politely at regular intervals, but you can't force it.

I wouldn't worry though. My dcs call their dad - Papa. Everyone else in the universe refers to him as daddy, but it has never changed what they say, because at home we use Papa and what we use at home has had more impact than the external.

It took my mum ages, but now she is so used to hearing Papa, that she remembers to refer to him as Papa not Daddy as well, so your ILs may just eventually get used to it.

Kids are pretty flexible over things like this, so Granny calls you Mummy, and they call you 'name' and someone else calls you Ms XX, whatever they say, you are you which is all that matters.

My battery is on 0.27 remaining so I think I'll be bowing out of this thread soon. Good luck sc2987.