AIBU to want my ILs to use my name?

[sc2987]

I want to bring my daughter up calling me by my name, rather than Mummy (please note I am not asking if IABU about this, I am happy with this choice).

I have been very careful to find out and use the names my ex and his family wish to be known by (the two great-grandmothers are Nanny X and Great Granny, grandmother is Nanny, grandfather is Grandpa, father is Daddy).

They all know I want to be known as but insist on calling me Mummy. As I rarely have the opportunity to refer to myself by name, presumably she is going to pick Mummy up in preference.

It would be fine if they were using it as a descriptive label, in the same way as e.g. sister (your sister has a toy for you), but in any case where they would use the sister's name, I would prefer my name to be used.

I haven't been pushy about this, I stated it before she was born, and a couple of times since when relevant (i.e. they were talking about when she might learn to say the word).

I think if my ex would go along with it, they would too, but he is abusive and not likely to agree to anything unless there's something in it for him.

Sorry but have to say I have an imagine of a toddler literally shouting Sc2987

Do want you want OP. A name doesn't make you any better of a parent.

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I won't reply to 'mummy' from my DD, should she ever call me that

that's pathetic. Trying to prove a point with a child. So is 'mum' 'mother' and 'mama' in that too? How would you like her to describe you to people... The Birth Giver?

Um, tell her it is not acceptable and that she needs to stop? Obviously

WHAT? That's like she's done something wrong. She hasn't. It's a completely natural thing for the child to label the woman who gave birth to them as 'mum' or whatever alternatives it knows.

I've not said that teaching your child to call you a different name will cause pyschological problems because in the majority of the time it won't, but that will.

What a strange thing to hitch your parenting wagon to, there's so many more important issues.

Difference for difference's sake is really tiresome and not very nice to be the child who has to be different just because their parent thinks its somehow superior she said without a hint of bitterness

WHAT? That's like she's done something wrong. She hasn't. It's a completely natural thing for the child to label the woman who gave birth to them as 'mum' or whatever alternatives it knows.

ARe you having trouble again, whitewidow? I said earlier (in at least two separate posts) that the way I would deal with a child 'trying out' other ways of addressing me would be gentle redirection and correction. Then someone asked You can ask your dc to call you whatever you like and hopefully she'll comply but what are you going to do if she wants to be more traditional and call you 'Mummy' or Mum'. That question to me suggests a somewhat older (past the stage of trying out names as toddlers do) child, who has made a choice to "be more traditional" by doing what he/she sees modelled in some other families. The question in this form suggests a child who is perfectly aware of what they have been asked to do, and is deliberately not complying. Which is a different situation, and the one that I addressed with my reply. The implication of the question is that we merely "ask" our children to do things and when they choose to do something else, we throw up our hands and surrender...which may be how some people choose to parent, of course. Presumably, those same people will just accept it if their young child decides to call them by their first name, because it is apparently entirely up to the child! (Whereas, if my DD were to call me by my given name, against my wishes, I would also not accept that.)

I would most certainly be saying "that is how they do things in other families, but you know that it is not how we do it, and that is not how you are to address me. It is not acceptable and you need to stop." My kids don't get to act however they like and refuse to comply with something as basic as how they address their elders. I'm not talking about slapping down a child who says it by mistake or because they are trying out different names, and I've made that more than clear in my own posts, which I know you have read.

Difference for difference's sake is really tiresome and not very nice to be the child who has to be different just because their parent thinks its somehow superior

This isn't "difference for differences sake", this is about people making a deliberate intellectual or cultural choice. As I have said repeatedly, "mummy" is not a cultural norm for me or my family. Why should I be "the same for sameness sake"? I am not being different out of some kind of obstinance - I am adhering to a different norm than your own. The OP has legitimate reasons behind her decision, whether you happen to like those reasons or not is really immaterial.

By the way, I did grow up calling my own mother Mummy, and wouldn't use her name now as I am not used to it and I doubt she would want me to.

But this did cause me problems with being reluctant to use some adults' first names (when they expected me to) rather than finding some way to address them without a name.

I still find that to some extent (with related older people or friends' older relatives). So even though I've now grown up I still have this unnecessary deference to some people. Which I don't think should have been there in the first place, and using Mummy probably contributed to it.

I don't intend to call myself 'Mummy' either, but it wouldn't really bother me if other people use the word. IMO someone saying to a child 'go to mummy' is just shorthand/slang/baby talk for 'go to your mother'. Probably wouldn't answer if another adult actually addressed me as 'Mummy' as though it was my name though, so if that's what you mean I can understand. Just don't answer unless they use your proper name!

Like sometimes people refer to me as the dogs' 'mummy', which is a little odd but doesn't bother me.

I guess children make their own decisions when they're old enough, and I wouldn't make a big deal of it as long as they didn't call me any offensive name! Would not encourage 'mummy' though.

'Mummy' isn't the word used where I come from either btw, though it is the default where I live now.

I called my (much loved and very loving mum) her name which is what she wanted until I went to nursery and overnight it became mum and has been ever since

I think you or her peer group will have most influence over her development

also true of my grandparents on her side who were actually my grandfather and step grandmother, I knew her mother had died but it took until I was about 12 put 2 and 2 and realised step grandmother was not related - thought she was a lot more fun than some of my relatives by then though!