AIBU to want my ILs to use my name?

[sc2987]

I want to bring my daughter up calling me by my name, rather than Mummy (please note I am not asking if IABU about this, I am happy with this choice).

I have been very careful to find out and use the names my ex and his family wish to be known by (the two great-grandmothers are Nanny X and Great Granny, grandmother is Nanny, grandfather is Grandpa, father is Daddy).

They all know I want to be known as but insist on calling me Mummy. As I rarely have the opportunity to refer to myself by name, presumably she is going to pick Mummy up in preference.

It would be fine if they were using it as a descriptive label, in the same way as e.g. sister (your sister has a toy for you), but in any case where they would use the sister's name, I would prefer my name to be used.

I haven't been pushy about this, I stated it before she was born, and a couple of times since when relevant (i.e. they were talking about when she might learn to say the word).

I think if my ex would go along with it, they would too, but he is abusive and not likely to agree to anything unless there's something in it for him.

Actually, my MIL calls me, her, my mum, her dead mother and her daughter Mum. I find this confusing, irritating and excruciating in equal parts.

In those circumstances, if it is annoying, cant you just say please use my name. Or not answer?

Whitewidow DC do need the comfort of a Mum but NOT the nametag..it's just a name. Not the actual article.

I got just the same amount of comfort from calling my mum by her real name. It really doesn't matter that much.

I wonder why some women are so protective of the title too....it's not the name but the actions that make the relationship special.

"Children get comfort from having a mum, a name tag for that woman who feeds them, clothes them, nags them... What about when they go to school?"

Do they?

Have you any evidence for this comfort? Or is it just a cultural prejudice?

What about when they go to school? What does that have to do with anything?

"What about when they're talking to their friends about you? "

I don't call my boss "Boss" or "Bossy", but I still refer to him as my boss when talking about him to other people who don't know him.

It's not really very complicated.

"But give them the bloody chance to call you by what you are. "

YOU think that chance is important. The OP does not.

She doesn't think she is Mummy, she thinks she is her first name.

That's her choice.

I can't believe so many people think this is a moral issue.

It's just a choice among choices. It basically makes fuck all difference.

I think if your DD decides when she's older that she wants to call you mummy you need to let her - to do otherwise would be pretty mean.

OP.. you are weird.. weird and bloody odd to deny your child the chance to call someone "mum" or "mummy"...

I actually find the name quite dehumansing...especially when others use it...my FIL used to do it...call me Mummy in relation to my DC...Oh look here's Mummy....hello Mummy! Where've you been mummy?

Creeped the eff out of me. I don't like it that by having a baby, you lose WHO you are entirely and become this fecking MUMBUMTHUMB person.

Absolutely thespokennerd. I completely agree. It's the actions that make someone a great mother, not the name.

What do you call yourself when talking to your daughter? Ds (14 months) knows I am mummy because that's what I call myself. We play 'where's baby's nose' and 'where's mummy's nose' etc. If you just call yourself 'Mary' then your Dd will surely pick this up. E.g. Mary wants you to put your toys away now, Come over here so Mary can wipe your nose

If she's not seeing your ex's family very regularly then she won't pick up on it very much, but I think most children go through a phase of calling their mum by her name because that's what everyone else does.

If a kid can't call their own mum 'mum 'mother' 'mummy' or any other variant then there's something wrong. Selfishness for one. Self centeredness on the mums part for another.

You gave birth to a child, that means you are a mother. Get a clue and accept the fact that your child has a right to name you that. And I don't really want to go down this route but a lot of women would give anything to get the title of mum.

Athing I think many women really DEFINE themselves by parenthood..."The best thing I have done" "My proudest moment" and fair enough....but they shouldn't look down on those who choose not to use the title.

I like what one of the other posters put on here (sorry, can't remember who) who said that you need to let the rest of the world catch up on your choice.
A decision like yours, whilst perfectly acceptable and of course very much your decision, is unusual and probably will take some time before it feels natural to them.

You can be strident about it and have a go at them, or just keep gently reminding them. Personally, I'd just gently keep reminding them.

"OP.. you are weird.. weird and bloody odd to deny your child the chance to call someone "mum" or "mummy"..."

Yes, DOWN WITH WEIRD PEOPLE!

Down with people who make unusual decisions!

They are WRONG!

Not just different, WRONG!!!

Why selfish Whitewidow? Calling your Mother by that name does not need to enrrich their life at all...their aremany Mothers, Mums and Mummies who are mean bitches to their DC...the name doesn't change that...just as a good parent can be a good parent whatver they get called.

White a chil does NOT get the "right" to call a woman anything that the woman does not WANT to be called.

BTW - I've not called my mum 'mum' for many many years. She's got a totally random nickname that has stuck with us!

"You gave birth to a child, that means you are a mother. Get a clue and accept the fact that your child has a right to name you that."

The right??

:o

This is a rights issue now?

Evil OP denying her child the RIGHT to be the same as all other children.

It will be difficult because everyone you meet in your child's present and future - other parents, nursery staff, teachers - will automatically refer to you as DD's mummy. You can try to correct everyone, but ultimately you will have to be a bit tolerant and just reinforce it to your daughter and remind her to use your name.

OP, I know you didn't want - and specifically asked - that this not become a thread about your choice to go by your given name with DD. And yet people seem unable to stop themselves from making (rather absurd) judgements about that decision. SO I hope you don't mind too much if I just weigh in to say that you shouldn't listen to any of them.

There are plenty of mothers who don't go by "mummy", including myself. DD doesn't use my name, she uses another word, but it is not "mummy". I have two fulltime stepkids as well, and they call me by my name. I don't think it makes anyone think I am "the childminder", as another poster rudely suggested, nor does it create any confusion for DD.

In blended families, in non-English families, in non-traditional families - there are plenty of loving, intelligent parents who use other forms than "mummy" and "daddy". Get over it, people!

As for the in-laws, and anyone else who ignores your wishes - don't get too agitated about it. In the end, it is your response to DD that will determine what she calls you. When she says "mummy", you just correct her. She'll adapt. SHe may call you "my mummy" when talking to others, and she will understand that others mean you when they say "mummy", but she'll learn to call you "sc2987". (Kids are able to be very fluid in their usage of words and languages...Don't forget that kids are capable at even very young ages of speaking to one parent in English and another parent in Spanish, for instance!)

My sister in America does not want to be called "mom" (she is 'mamma', following the Swedish form). Her son is at nursery now and hears other kids say "mom". When he uses that to try to get her attention and speak to her, she doesn't respond, until he switches and says "mamma". It's working perfectly well, and there is no trauma to her son because she prefers a different form than everyone else.

It's a sad state of affairs when a mum doesn't want to be called that by their own child.

A very sad state of affairs.

Yes brdgrl and it's HER choice. Society puts enough expectations on women without frigging re-naming them just because they've had a child.

Fine if you WANT to be re-named....but not if you dont.

white no it's not....it's a sad state of affairs when people are SO entrenched in their own belief systems that they simply can't expand their tiny minds to consider other people's feelings.

I don't know... Whenever someone refers to other pro

... (oops)... to other people's 'tiny minds' I kind of feel they've lost the argument.