AIBU to want my ILs to use my name?

[sc2987]

I want to bring my daughter up calling me by my name, rather than Mummy (please note I am not asking if IABU about this, I am happy with this choice).

I have been very careful to find out and use the names my ex and his family wish to be known by (the two great-grandmothers are Nanny X and Great Granny, grandmother is Nanny, grandfather is Grandpa, father is Daddy).

They all know I want to be known as but insist on calling me Mummy. As I rarely have the opportunity to refer to myself by name, presumably she is going to pick Mummy up in preference.

It would be fine if they were using it as a descriptive label, in the same way as e.g. sister (your sister has a toy for you), but in any case where they would use the sister's name, I would prefer my name to be used.

I haven't been pushy about this, I stated it before she was born, and a couple of times since when relevant (i.e. they were talking about when she might learn to say the word).

I think if my ex would go along with it, they would too, but he is abusive and not likely to agree to anything unless there's something in it for him.

When some mums are SO entrenched by their own self importantance they won't allow their children to call them mum

G1inger....feel away! If it's a way of making you feel better about things then fine

Widow so you think that a MOther needs to TOTALLY let her own feelings go when she has DC? Do nothing to please herself?

When the display of the tininess of the minds is as clear as it has been on this thread, then I don't think referring to it means you've lost the argument.

I'm absolutely pissing myself here at the outrage over nothing at all.

Have none of you ever met people who call their parents by their first names?

They're just people like the rest of us.

I'm confused by your aggression, thespokennerd

I know a couple who are unconventional parents in many ways (some of which earned them tellings-off in supermarkets!), and they've always insisted their dd use their first names from the outset. So people will refer to 'your Dad, your Mum' and she refers to them as 'my Dad, my Mum' but when she addresses them she uses 'Janet & John'.

I don't think this is a battle you can win with the ILs, as it's not just a different name you're asking of them, but a whole mind-set/set of societal norms that are deep-rooted. If you refer to yourself as SC and your family and friends who are in accord then dc should follow suit.

It's all a matter of opinion isn't it. Your in-laws obviously don't agree with what you are doing. And refuse to go along with it. I'm afraid I'd do the same if it was my Grandchild. Unreasonable or not it's what I'd do. Sorry I can't be helpful. Most societies do have a term for mother whether it's mom, mamma or whatever. It's not usually customary to use the Christian name.

White Widow, I completely agree with you.

The OP's choice appears to be all about her 'issues' with society and there being more to her than just the name 'mother' bla bla bla and has absolutely nothing to do with what her daughter might want or feel - note she says "I am happy with my choice', she may be but I second the view that it is weird and sad to not want to be called mum, mummy, mother or one of these names - you can be as right on about it as you want but it is just odd and selfish.

Then don't read my posts G1nger

I can only presume you're drunk.

horrible but it is HER life after all....her name. She doesn't have to let her DC call her anything....in todays world there are so many blended families that hearing a child cal her main carer by her name won''t cause ANY raised eyebrows.

Exactly horribleneighbours.

She may be the best MUMMY in the world, that I can't comment on, but I just think its very strange and self centered to insist your children call you by your first name.

And no-one is saying mums should lose their identity, not at all! But let the child have the experience of being a son or daughter able to say 'muuuuummmmm blah blah yada yada'

G1nger stop groping for wind ups....they don't work because they're not very clever.

OK, within very homogenous areas of the UK, perhaps "mummy" is the cultural norm (FWIW, there are large parts of the UK where it is not the automatic first choice, by the way!). And the OP has made a choice that is not in line iwth that cultural norm. So what? Its her name and her identity.

There's a pretty good argument to be made that teaching one's daughter to recognise her mother's separate and pre-existing identity, and using the address of a peer rather than an authority, is a healthy and esteem affirming way of raising a young woman who values her own identity (that's not my own stance or choice - but it's perfectly valid!). You don't like it? Great - get your kids to call you mummy.

"Your in-laws obviously don't agree with what you are doing. And refuse to go along with it. I'm afraid I'd do the same if it was my Grandchild. Unreasonable or not it's what I'd do."

So you would deliberately confuse and upset a small child to make a point about how mothers should conform to societal expectations?

Wow, you must be grandmother of the year

After four days solid of DD shouting mamamamamamamaamamamamama at the top of her voice (sha has just learnt the word and is showing off) I would actually like her to call me Gnocchi once or twice but in the grand scheme of things she will call me whatever name she chooses. As long as it isn't derogatory or rude then so be it. If she wants to call me Doodle Doodle fine.....Gnocchi fine.....Mummy fine.

My preference is Mama, but I most certianly wouldn't expect her to call me a name of my own preference. After all, she didn't get to choose her name, so why should you?

Being able to say "Muuum blah blah" is hardly a rite of passage.

But it's not just about HER, spokennerd! There are two people in the mother daughter relationship and she is only considering her own feelings. I just think it's the kind of thing that could see her dd end up on a therapist's couch in 20 years time.... my mother wouldn't let me call her mother....maybe not, but it is quite a big deal IMO to deny your child the right to do that.

" But let the child have the experience of being a son or daughter able to say 'muuuuummmmm blah blah yada yada'"

What's so great about that experience?

Brdgrl sorry but I think your last paragraph is a load of pyscho babble.

Horrible SO much of being a parent is about putting yourself last...especially as a woman....why should a woman not choose to be called by her name?

"I just think it's the kind of thing that could see her dd end up on a therapist's couch in 20 years time..."

:o

I am DYING here!

You think people who call their parents by their first names need therapy?

Seriously?

:o

One could just as easily claim that mothers who "insist" on being called mummy are self-centred and self-important because they need that public label and acknowledgement of their role...

I have a very good friend who always calls her Mum by her name and it has now continued to her son. Everyone is totally normal and when I first knew her I just asked and she said 'that's the way we've always done it' I said 'ok' and we got on with life.

Is it ok now to just call people weird on this site now?

As for how to deal with pil- just be firm, try not to make a big deal and as others have said your dd will accept it and won't be confused even if pils continue to say Mummy they are very adaptable.

you seem perfectly normal to me-whatever that means.

White I think brdgrl makes a lot of sense. The first woman that a girl or boy gets to be close to is already someone who has become a new person...left their real or original identity behind...now to be called Mummy because that's what society says....whether she likes it or not...how healthy is that??