To feel jealous/ resentful of people who get handouts from parents

[CJ2010]

That's it really. I seem to be surrounded by people who are being helped out with buying a house or who are being given thousands of pounds in cash. I feel so jealous.

My parents are separated and both have a few quid but I don't get any help. I feel so resentful, I can't help it. I'm skint at the moment and I feel so bitter. I look at my two DC's and I want to cry.

Please give me a talking to.

We are struggling by the way, and they do brag about their money.

True what people have said about jealousy hurting only yourself. I wasted years being bitter about people like this. Then through various life experiences I came to realise what I'd been given and what I'd squandered. My folks gave me unconditional love and a great start in life. With their encouragement and support I went to uni and graduated during the boom years so had the opportunity to pick whatever career I wanted. If I'm not rich now its because of my own bad choices in adult life! My family are not rich and I didn't get a lump towards a house or anything but they also put no limits on who I am or what I could be. On the other hand I have friends who grew up in real poverty, no money for food, clothes etc. Some kicked out as teenagers. One friend who worked so hard in high school to secure a sponsorship for uni. Now uses his earnings to do up the house of his single mum, a lovely but troubled lady who raised several kids in chaotic home. Gratitude is the antidote to your bitterness. Make a list of what you have to be grateful for. And pray that your bragging friends receive everything they need in life and experience no sorrow :)

MY parents don't have 30k to give us so im not i do get a bit miffed if i hear oh my dad gave me it or my mum bought the children ,,, but there isn't anything i can do about it

Op, to be fair, your original post did ask for 'a talking to' which I took to mean that you didn't want to feel jealous any more. Seeing as none of us can actually give you money or force your parents to give you money, we can only give some advice about how to feel better about your situation.

I have also seen the other side of money from parents.

Of my group of friends from university 7 of us were from poor - average backgrounds. One was independently wealthy.

7 of us were pretty bright. One was truly gifted.

7 of us now have careers ranging from fairly good to stellar. One has never really had a job and has no idea what to do with her life.

6 of us have spouses or long term partners. One is happily playing the field with an array of (interchangeable but gorgeous) blondes. One is single and desperate to meet someone.

7 of us are (despite petty irritations with our lives, jobs, spouses and children) fairly content with our lives. One is miserable.

The one is the same person each time.

The problem is that when work is going badly and it's Monday morning and the weather is wet and miserable, the only thing that gets most people to work is the fact that if they lose their job they won't be able to eat. And once you stop going to work you stop making new friends. And so you don't go out with friends.

I look at my friend sometimes and see so much potential lost and wonder what happened. And if it was the money that caused it.

Envy is understandable, it's a human emotion, and we all covet something from time to time.
But resent????
You could have everything I own, and cut my legs off, if I could cradle and comfort a baby of my own.
Money isn't the be all and end it all. One day you will be in a better position. I will never have anyone call me Mum, or Gran. But I don't resent you, or anyone else.
I'm 45 and alive. A lot of people don't get that far.... I'm lucky

YANBU to feel jealous but YABU to feel resentful. Why shouldn't parents help their children out if they can afford to.

My parents have helped us in the past and I hope we can help our children out in the future of they need us to.

I kind of know what you mean OP. One person I know who springs to mind is just so entitled because she can just tap up her parents for money when it suits her.

She did a teaching degree and claimed grants while having some of it paid for by the school and everything else by her parents (as well as a lovely brand new house). She was proud of the fact that she'd fiddled it so she would get maximum grants and shared this information with all and sundry. I really don't get her attitude. She was never grateful for the help her parents gave her either.
My dad died when I was a teenager and had made provision for myself, my brother and my mum so we'd never have to worry about money again. Unfortunately, my mum married a total arsehole who spent it all and made crap investments with it. I am angry for my mum because she is fucked financially now when she could have had early retirement and a great life of travelling which she'd always wanted.
My brother, on the other hand is hung up on there being 'no inheritance' which has eaten away at him and made him bitter towards my mum. I don't understand this selfish immature attitude either. He needs to get off his arse and earn his own money and quit moaning.

I could feel resentful about people getting handouts from their family but really if they are grateful then good luck to them.

I'd do the same for my children.

YANBU particularly as things are so tough for you. I used to feel like this but learnt my lesson when I met someone who had inherited a huge amount of money after his mum died when he was 18. I admit I felt very and he must have seen that because he set me straight when he said he would give it all away for his mum to have met his children. In my defence, it was at a bad time for me. It's a long story but my parents have left themselves destitute after squandering their money away. And I do mean they squandered it. They lost everything - their once successful business and their home. I met the man in question about two weeks after my parents told me the full extent of their troubles so was feeling very sore.The upshot is I will inherit nothing and now my brother and I are financially supporting our parents at a time in our lives when we should building our own nest eggs. But what I do have is two loving parents who would do anything for my DCs which is a whole lot more than that man has.

YANBU...my friend has never bought nappies or wipes for her LO in 2 years as her MIL 'wouldn't hear of it'...cooks meals for my friend & her DH so my friend 'doesn't have to worry bout it' & generally picks up the slack/bills for their life. They also pay for a 10 day holiday for them every year. Me & my DH both work hard to provide for our LO & it does make me a little that my friend is being helped so much when she is more than able financially to do these things for herself. My friend, DH & LO have also recently moved in with her dad as she wants to save money for a new car. Enough moaning on from me....YANBU

YABU - its infantilising. We have friends like this one family bankrolled almost entirely by daddy. We drive away from their £1million pound house but don't feel envious it was all gifted to them. What DH and I have we have earned for ourselves and are proud of it.

Funnily enough the only friends who have ever made snarky comments about DH and I working in the City (don't now but used to earned quite well but worked brutal hours) were those that got massive handouts from parents. Think it makes you entitled and beholden so not necessarily a good thing.

Goodness OP! You really need to open your eyes wide too see clearly. Im originally from a third world country and my parents are still there. as soon as we start working you are expected to start giving your parents money and start looking after THEM.

Never has it entered my head that there might be money coming from them, i do think a lot about how to pay for their latest health bill, old car, leaking roof etc though, i suppose after all the news of people receiving £30k, £40k i should be lashing my wrists ?

I dont think people blessed with parents who can gift them large sums or money are infantile though, there is a big difference between someone who is not making any attempt to better him or herself, living off mum and dad at 30 (scrounger) and someone who has established or on course to establishing their own life but is lucky enough to have parents who can make things happen even faster for them.

Priviledge comes in different forms, there is financial priviledge, there is the priviledge of a stable home, the priviledge of good health, priviledge of having a good family, priviledge of having gifted parents, or simply the priviledge of having parents who have special knowledge or deep insight into something that will come in handy, i could go on, but LOOK into your own life i am sure you have priviledge somewhere, and instead think of what priviledge you can pass down to your own children.

For me my priviledge is to have been born in the U.K and having parents for whom education was immensely important. People talk a lot about the financially priviledged in the u.k, royal family etc, it always makes me smile, because i dont think these people realise just how priviledged they are too simply have been born british.

Well said Gunzroses.

Thank you.

i expect because money is tight for you that your noticing things like this more than you normally would, try to be proud of what you have acheived by yourself without help rather than what you could do with it.

yabu if you are letting this effect how you live but if its just a passing observation that ever so slightly miffs you then yanbu

i ment to add my sons paternal grandparents keep trying to give me money little ammounts here and there and i hate hate hate it i dont need it dont want it and think its really insulting of them to try and do it but then again im weird like that

YABU. Why be jealous of people who apparently still need mummy and daddy to pay for things? If you want to be envious, I would rather choose to be jealous of people who are successful enough not to need handouts and if needed, can support their aging parents instead.

It is difficult though. The only time we ever had any reasonable amnount of money 'handed' to us was when dh mum died and that was just horrible as people have already said. When I look at people I know who have had houses bought, or at the least large deposits paid, childrens' educations paid for, all sorts of fancy households objects bought for them etc..it does make me feel envious but then, as has also been said, I can be proud that we have done everything we have done on our own, and although we are still struggling and probably always will be, at least the children have a strong sense that things do not come for free and money needs to be respected. Things like a great family holiday we enjoy becasue we have worked for it. Having said that, it still pisses me off big time

I don't think these feelings are necessarily about money. It's about seeing other parents doing anything and everything to help their offspring and your own parents seemingly not to care even though they have the money to help. I used to feel a bit bitter back in the day when student grants were available and I didn't get one because of my parental income yet they didn't help me out through uni! I still feel a bit like this but it's not really about the money anymore- it's about thinking they don't care as much as other parents do. I certainly don't think parents do their kids any favours by giving them frequent handouts but I do think parents should help their kids out if their kids are really really struggling through no fault of their own - i can't imagine not doing this for my own dcs.

What we have, we've made ourselves. I'm proud of that.
Would I feel bad if I'd been given anyhting? I doubt it .

I know lots of people who have tons of family money. I'm envious, but not jealous IYSWIM. I don't begrudge them a penny....so long as they don't make spikey remarks about DH missing sports day etc. If they do that, I point out that we actually have to pay for our DC's eductaion etc.

I am a bit jealous, I admit. But for me it all hangs on the impossibility of getting a deposit for a house - I am too old (I feel!) to have never owned a property and having to waste money on rent for so long. If my parents had been able to give me a deposit I would have been well established on the housing ladder by now.

But whenever I feel jealous of anyone I do look at the wider situation for them, like the friends with the gorgeous house who inherited when his father died, or the friend with the plush London pad and massive salary who is recently divorced and worried she's now too old to find someone new and have the family she's always wanted, or the couple who have just bought a new house in Spain because they now won't use the money put aside to fund their son through uni because he died of cancer at 16.

I have both my DP and DPIL, a lovely DD and DP, a reasonable job and a nice little rented house with a garden. I wouldn't swap with any of those above.

OP, I can understand your pain. It is hard to experience financial inequalities that are not of your own making, especially when you are in constrained circumstances. But you are being a bit unreasonable. I suggest that you look not only at the people who receive a lot of help from their parents, but also at the people in reverse circumstances. There are countless people, even in low-wage jobs, who have to scrape and save to send money over to their parents and other family members. Consider people who have very ill parents/other relatives who needs constant care and lots of cash to support them. If you have no responsibilities but for yourself and your children, consider yourself lucky.

You've got to let it go, op. Jealousy, bitterness, envy and self pity are all EXTREMELY unhealthy emotions to carry round with you all the time. The vast majority of the world's population don't get handouts from their parents.

In short, and I mean this in a helpful way, you truly need to get a grip.

I have never had anything from my parents since I left home, and now in fact I support them. I don't exactly feel jealous of people who had handouts, free houses etc from their parents early on, and are consequently better off than me now in terms of property etc, but I do sometimes feel annoyed at the smugness of some people who look down their nose at me because I do not own property, when their first step on the housing ladder was made possible by their parents giving them a house for graduation/wedding etc.

OP, can I ask if you would help out your children in the future, if you could afford it?