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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel jealous/ resentful of people who get handouts from parents

188 replies

CJ2010 · 23/06/2012 17:32

That's it really. I seem to be surrounded by people who are being helped out with buying a house or who are being given thousands of pounds in cash. I feel so jealous.

My parents are separated and both have a few quid but I don't get any help. I feel so resentful, I can't help it. I'm skint at the moment and I feel so bitter. I look at my two DC's and I want to cry.

Please give me a talking to.

OP posts:
GwendolineMaryLacey · 23/06/2012 17:51

And in a million years I'd never boast about it, why would you? Confused I'd love to not have to rely on them so much. When I daydream about winning the lottery the first thing d do is write them a cheque for the lot. That would make e happier than any house or flash car.

rachtay · 23/06/2012 17:52

hi i know exactly what you mean i never got any help from any of my family all my life now my daughter is 18mt in which none of my family knew about until 3mnts agoafter me letting my guard down and getting in touch with them they dont care for me or my daughter just yesterday i told them that i didnt want anymore contact and thats it they will do as i wish not even try to change my mind things are so bad that they dont even know where i live for the past 8yrs if they did i would get nothing but trouble i feel so angry with myself for making the first move worst mistake ever i just feel worthlessAngry so dont get jealous because at least they are in your lives

Original poster
CJ2010 · 23/06/2012 17:53

Folk girl - Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
CJ2010 · 23/06/2012 17:54

I need to manage my bitterness and people on here telling me how much help they have been given by their parents, really does not help! Grin

OP posts:
BloodyCrossRoads · 23/06/2012 17:55

I know how you feel. I come from a big family with lots of cousins. Most of my cousins have been GIVEN 3/4 bedroomed houses in nice areas, have their council tax paid for them, have permanent baby sitters, cars given to them etc. What pisses me off the most is when other family members tell me "ooo you should see 'Ria's' beautiful house, hasn't she done well??" well ... yeah, it's easy when you have everything handed to you on a plate, isn't it.

LindyHemming · 23/06/2012 17:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PleasantlySurprised · 23/06/2012 17:55

YANBU. I know exactly how you feel.

I take solace in the fact that everything I have is as a result of my own hard graft and determination. I don't owe anyone anything.

BBisTitanium · 23/06/2012 17:56

My grandfather was wealthy, he was also a bit of a shit. My mum ran to him when in trouble and she learnt nout from her many mistakes. I was ten when she died... He decided to throw money at my "problem", but when i would no longer do as he wished it was gone. Money with strings isnt worth having.

DPs parents are generous financially - they have contributed to our wedding, and brought out of event gifts for DS (i.e a swing etc) and will do so more so for this DC as our relationship is better. They have gone above and beyond and we are grateful however they have helped once we have helped ourselves (we were in a lot of debt and worked an scrimped hard to be in a much better position).They are also generous However with their time and advice, and we value that far more than financial gifts. We are also aware that it wasn't always like this, so we aren't reliant on them, and TBH feel bloody proud of the steps we have made to improve our own lives.

On the other hand we have friends that have been given much more financial help than us and are in an IVA facing financial ruin and have kept this from both sets of parents.

What im trying to say is many of you are generalising when you say people who accept help are childish etc... Some are but some of us are just fortunate and realise it...

If you are jealous Of others your life will always be lacking, cherish what you have too many realise too Late.

SummerRain · 23/06/2012 17:56

I totally get you. My parents know we're behind on rent and struggling massively but wouldn't help unless i begged, which i won't do.

Hurts even more as my grandparents bought them everything, furniture, part paid for their house, sent them on holidays, etc.

noblegiraffe · 23/06/2012 18:00

Count your blessings instead of bemoaning what you don't have.

Vinomcstephens · 23/06/2012 18:00

But OP, whether people tell you on here or in real life that they've had help from their parents, whether they boast or are bashful, it makes no difference to you! You really do, as you say, need to manage your bitterness because you can be as angry, bitter, resentful and all round cheesed off as you like, it's not going to make your parents give you money! Honestly, let it go - some parents help out, some don't. And as far as I've read, there's more people on this thread saying they haven't had help than have, there's a lot of us in the same boat Smile like I said before, I've never had any financial assistance but I think the big difference between you and me is I don't want it - if you can change the way you look at this, I think you'll feel much better!

yellowraincoat · 23/06/2012 18:02

I get you OP, I really do.

Yes, it is satisfying standing on my own two feet. But when I see my friends (in their late 20s) still being subsidised by their parents, it's a bit galling, especially when they complain they're skint.

My parents are skint anyway so it's normal for me, but some people are lucky.

I try not to let it bother me, but it's not always that easy.

takingiteasy · 23/06/2012 18:04

They also bought us our sofa when we bought our house. Mil was going to pay our stamp duty but the threshold moved the week we were signing so she bought us a Cooker and tumble instead.

FiftyShadesofViper · 23/06/2012 18:05

OP, I can sympathise as I felt a bit like that when we were younger and struggling. We also have a situation where PIL have helped BIL more than once yet never offered us anything which used to annoy me.
I think the key, simplistic though it sounds, is appreciating the things you have and take pride in your own achievements.

I am now in my 50s and am beginning to see this from a different point of view. One of my friends has a daughter in her late 20s who lives in a house bought by parents, drives a car bought by parents, has childcare provided by parents, etc, etc. It is becoming clear to everybody else that this young woman will never achieve her potential as a mother, a worker or as a woman due to her mother jumping in and taking over.

We have reached this point without major help from parents and I hope my children will do the same.

BBisTitanium · 23/06/2012 18:07

I should also say on the point of "you'll get it when they are gone" when grandfather died cousin who is also a bit of a shit booked a round the world ticket on her credit crd banking on inheritance paying it off...she got zip same as the rest of us. Bad begets bad, boasting begets a dressing down, pride comes before a fall. Karma baby Grin

Original poster
CJ2010 · 23/06/2012 18:07

I seem to know a high proportion of people who have been helped and then they go and fucking tell me! Why are they discussing such personal info! Even though I am jealous, I still think its an admission of failure on their part. I now know that what they have, they haven't achieved for themselves IYSWIM. Still 50k would be nice! Grin

OP posts:
jellyjones · 23/06/2012 18:09

i have a bit of money and i would give every last penny to the kids if it helps them

PorkyandBess · 23/06/2012 18:10

My parents have been enormously generous with all of their children.

The downside of this is that they rarely spend money on themselves which I would much rather see.

hermioneweasley · 23/06/2012 18:11

Folk girl - that is awful.

CJ - I know what you mean, I am sure you are grateful for all the good things in your life, but it's hard not to compare. A friend of mine and her DH work incredibly hard and support themselves, but with renting will never save for a deposit.

BBisTitanium · 23/06/2012 18:11

Have you ever considered that they aren't out to piss you off? That they are perhaps just talking to you? The topics must of been up for discussion no one says off the cuff mummy and daddy have given us x amount... And if they do why bother speaking to them? You seem pretty jaded...

TheHouseofMirth · 23/06/2012 18:13

I don't even have have any parents to hand anything to out to me. Feel better now?

LucieMay · 23/06/2012 18:15

My dad gave me the house I live in. I'd rather have my mum alive and a dad for ds.

Dprince · 23/06/2012 18:16

Surely the problem is the boasting. I actually think yabu. Some of my friends get loads of help with childcare. My pile never have the kids and my mum will have my oldest but not my youngest (16 months) that's just life. If you spend wishing you has what others have it will pass you by in a blink.

beatenbyayellowteacup · 23/06/2012 18:17

CJ I know what you mean as am in same boat. My Dad's super runs out next year and I think I'll be giving him money.

Of course I'm going to be proud of doing it all myself etc, but in the meantime it can be terryfying and frustrating to not have a property. Especially when you see others constantly having nice holidays, or live in a lovely house and you know they didn't have to sacrifice much to have them.

My siblings have all married people who have inherited whole houses or who earn enough money for them not to have to work.

AKissIsNotAContract · 23/06/2012 18:17

I can't understand parents who don't want to help their kids. If they've got plenty then the taxman will take a chunk when they die. Why is that preferable to giving it to your kids while you're alive to watch them enjoy it?