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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel jealous/ resentful of people who get handouts from parents

188 replies

CJ2010 · 23/06/2012 17:32

That's it really. I seem to be surrounded by people who are being helped out with buying a house or who are being given thousands of pounds in cash. I feel so jealous.

My parents are separated and both have a few quid but I don't get any help. I feel so resentful, I can't help it. I'm skint at the moment and I feel so bitter. I look at my two DC's and I want to cry.

Please give me a talking to.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 23/06/2012 18:19

It's not unreasonable to think ... "I wish....." but it's daft to let it dominate your thoughts - it's not how it is, so count all the good things in your life instead.
Oh, and possibly think about making some new friends - I can't believe people are crass enough to "go on" about money they've been gifted.

BalloonSlayer · 23/06/2012 18:22

Perhaps they are telling you because they feel it's more honest than you thinking they are earning more than they do, or get massive bonuses. You know, a sort of "I'm not that great, my Mum paid for this" sort of thing.

bb99 · 23/06/2012 18:23

OP

That's just so sad.

My brother is LOADED and I never feel cross with him and his wife _ I say good luck to them and hope they enjoy every penny.

Life isn't an even playing field, some parents are really helpful, some aren't. Some have money, some don't.

It does make things easier if parents can help you out - either time wise or money wise, but why would you want anyone else to face what you seem to feel is a hardship, just because YOU are experiencing that?

I don't agree with the posters who think it's great you 'stand on your own feet' - free money is wonderful and any oiling of the wheels of life is gratefully received in my house, but why feel such bitterness with these people???

It's not THEIR fault YOUR parents aren't generous, or willing to help now, is it? It's your parents' choice. Perhaps if you think it's so important to help your kids, you are saving up in order to help out your own kids?

Why can't you take pleasure in the resolution of their problems - wouldn't the world be a much nicer place if we were more pleasant about others' fortune and largess??

mamasmissionimpossible · 23/06/2012 18:24

We have had significant financial help from my parents/gps in the past. However, I would never tell anyone i know. I'm truly grateful and don't expect a penny from anyone.

YouOldSlag · 23/06/2012 18:24

Well I think you're getting a hard time on here, OP.

Yes we all know jealousy and envy are pointless emotions etc, but it's OK to sometimes feel pissed off on a bad day when your friends have nice houses and microscopic mortgages because of hand outs.

I am the poorest out of all my friends and also the only one who hasn't had a leg up the property ladder.

Yes, I get a bit jealous, but I feel it, let it pass and let it go. It's Ok to have a fleeting moment of green eyed envy when you're going without and your mates don't know what's it's like to go without at all! That's all, no big deal. I gnash my teeth and get on with life.

YANBU

nosleepwithworry · 23/06/2012 18:25

While i sympathise i feel that you need to find your own way, with your own money.

We have never recieved any help from any one, but have worrked our arses off to make sure we are ok.
Wont even get anything when our parents go, as they just dont have anything to leave.

nickelbarapasaurus · 23/06/2012 18:25

My mum and dad paid for half of my deposit on my first house.

these days that would be a fortune! Shock

In 1999, it was £1000.
same as they gave my sister when she married, and my other sister when she bought a house.

My parents are quite generous with their money, but not like that, of course.
It makes them feel good that they can help us out whenever they can, that they can treat us.

They certainly wouldn't "bail us out" if we needed lots of money, though!

Badvoc · 23/06/2012 18:26

I think comparison is the thief of joy OP
The people who are being helped might feel they have to explain all their financial decisions from now on once they accept the money.
It could cause all manner of problems down he line.
I suppose what I am saying is there is no such thing as a free ride, even from family.

CakeBump · 23/06/2012 18:27

Some people have money, some don't, some people can have kids, some can't, some people are clever, some not.... that's life. I'm sure you have certain things which some of those people you are envying are jealous about.

If your parents are in a position to help you, and want to help you, then lucky you. Doesn't mean life is a bed of roses though and anyone calling someone names like "saddo" doesn't come off looking good I'm afraid....

FairPhyllis · 23/06/2012 18:32

I understand why you feel frustrated and resentful - but you have things some of us may never have no matter how much we want them. I have no DC and don't know if I ever will.

mrseffington · 23/06/2012 18:32

I think when you're struggling and see other people doing well then it's bound to be difficult and jealousy can rear its ugly head. But, if it looks like you are not going to get any money then it's best just to get your head down and make the best of what you have. Your parents don't actually owe you anything - isn't it something like 200k per child to raise them? Blimey - once I've spent that on my DC you can bet I'm gonna keep some for myself!! Grin

MsVestibule · 23/06/2012 18:34

I seem to know a high proportion of people who have been helped...I still think its an admission of failure on their part.

If you think it's an admission of failure on their part, how on earth could you feel bitter about it Confused. Surely you don't want to see yourself as a failure?

TheHouseofMirth · 23/06/2012 18:34

I suspect that many people are not boasting about handouts but merely trying to explain/justify their ability to buy a house etc when they know many others in similar circumstance can't.

GwendolineMaryLacey · 23/06/2012 18:42

And yes, to whoever mentioned it, it does give them a certain amount of interest in your financial doings. My family are utterly lovely, not a bad word to say about them. But there is occasionally a sense of "oh I love dd1's new x, I thought you were skint".

It's not all roses y'know Wink

PenelopePipPop · 23/06/2012 18:46

If your circumstances change and in 25 years time you are sitting on a pot of spare cash would you want to help your DC buy their first homes? More than that would it upset you to spend the money on something else when it could be giving your children a secure roof over their heads for life?

If so then YABU, your friends parents are only doing what you would want to do and your friends, by accepting the money, are making their parents happy.

rhondajean · 23/06/2012 18:47

Can I just point out - I wouldn't grudge anyone who is struggling a helping hand from their parents. My parents are very generous tbh, giving the DDs loses of little gifts, pocket money etc.

BUT

I know grown adults the same age as me and DH, often who do hold down jobs, but who have absolutely no financial sense at all, and drop into their mothers every weekend for money which they then spend going out, because they have already blown their wages.

I know others who's mother pays off their debt for them (which theyrepeatedly run up because they've never had to deal with it).

And I know yet others who do actually get everything handed to them on a plate by mummy and daddy, have never had to stop and think about anything, because the cars/holidays/money keep on coming.

And yes I do think they are all pretty pathetic.

Any of us can end up on the bones of our arse. Some of us have never had to deal with trying not to get ourselves there though.

Beamur · 23/06/2012 18:52

OP - are your parents wealthy? Even moderately well off. In which case, they could benefit from considering how to plan ahead for tax purposes.
My DP is one of the lucky ones to benefit from cash gifts from his parents and YANBU - it is immensely helpful, and all the nicer when given with genuine generosity.
We'd asked DP's parents for a temporary help financially a few years ago, they sought advice from an independent financial advisor who spoke to them about this - DP and I could never broach the subject without feeling as if we were being 'grabby' and we don't know what was said exactly, but there is some rule about disposing of your excess income by gifting it which is allowed for tax purposes.

NarkedRaspberry · 23/06/2012 18:55

YANBU at all. It's not fair - life's not fair. Some people have a much easier time of things because they have families that help them out. And it's not always about how wealthy they are - there are wealthy parents who don't help out and those who skimp and save to be able to give their DCs a helping hand.

I'm lucky enough to have been helped. I'm paying it back by doing the same for our DC and their cousins. It isn't fair. And we never mention the help we got so as to not put my ILs noses out of joint - they could have done exactly the same as my parents but have chosen not to help any of their DC.

AdventuresWithVoles · 23/06/2012 18:58

I am sharply jealous of people who have help from their families with their kids. Someone who might babysit at short notice for free, especially. Or friends who can fulfill the same function. Folk who can have your kid if the kid is suddenly ill so you don't have to take a day off work. Relatives who have your kid around for a sleepover or might take them out (without you) for a few hours. Or change a nappy.

See? We're all jealous of something.

NarkedRaspberry · 23/06/2012 18:59

Just saw your comment about 'failure'. My 'failure' was a completely unsolicited gift of £50k to get me on the housing ladder. It often keeps me awake at night.

garlicbum · 23/06/2012 19:05

Yeah, I'm envious. My sibs and I forged successful careers in areas where the majority of our peers came from well-off families - we don't. It was galling when we had to plan meticulously, save and borrow to get our own homes, etc, while everybody else was getting half or all of theirs paid by their parents. It's galling again, this end of things, when our mistakes and/or bad luck will cost us for the rest of our lives where others just have to muddle through until they inherit.

I'm envious, though, not resentful.

Life's a lottery; we didn't choose the circumstances of our birth but we still got a damn sight luckier than those who are born into starvation, war and with HIV. Hundreds of thousands are born with all three factors against them. I'm envious of those who got luckier than I did, but it's a roll of the dice: no point in resenting it.

[shrug]

jaquelinehyde · 23/06/2012 19:05

Neither of my parents have anything and don't own their own homes so when they die all I will be left with is their debt Grin

I know quite a few people who have very wealthy family members and have been helped throughout their lives in various ways. As friends we have discussed this type of thing as that's what friends do but I would never think they are boasting about their finances...Maybe this says more about your friendsships than anything else?

The one thing I cannot abide is people who think they have a right to the money from wealthy relatives. Or those who think that their parents should help with the childcare of grandchildren etc etc.

tuffinmop · 23/06/2012 19:06

I had some money come my way because my beautiful spirited mum died aged just 55 Sad I would rather be penniless and have her back

SCOTCHandWRY · 23/06/2012 19:07

OP, if you are talking about fairly large sums (30 or 40K), the parents of your friends may have been advised by tax planners to gift this money to reduce future tax liabilities when they die. You can make smaller tax exempt gifts yearly too.

I'd rather my children or future grandchildren got my money than the government..... money already heavily taxed before it was invested and then taxed in various ways after that!

jaquelinehyde · 23/06/2012 19:08

Oh and knowing when to accept help, financial or otherwise is actually a sign of great strength in my book not a bloody failure!