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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel jealous/ resentful of people who get handouts from parents

188 replies

CJ2010 · 23/06/2012 17:32

That's it really. I seem to be surrounded by people who are being helped out with buying a house or who are being given thousands of pounds in cash. I feel so jealous.

My parents are separated and both have a few quid but I don't get any help. I feel so resentful, I can't help it. I'm skint at the moment and I feel so bitter. I look at my two DC's and I want to cry.

Please give me a talking to.

OP posts:
DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 23/06/2012 19:11

I've had quite a lot of money from my dad (although I won't get anything when he dies) but a lot of it is an inheritance from my mum - I'd obviously rather she was alive but she isn't so I've tried to be sensible and buy property.

I will be doing the same for my children (not dying obviously, I hope!)

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 23/06/2012 19:12

But there are millions of people who dont get handouts from their parents.
Why be jealous of the few that do? I am pretty sure its more common not to get help.

When my mum goes all she will leave us is debts and a big bill for her funeral.

When my dad died I afraid my first thoughts (after the obvious) were 'crap how are we going to afford his funeral and what the hell is going to happen to mum'

I love my parents but they have always lived beyond their means.

Its just the way things are.

Foslady · 23/06/2012 19:12

YANBU. In the past what has hurt me more though is allowing myself to be wound up about it, because I don't want to be the kind of person that would be jealous of others, but when you see/hear about how your friends can do/have things you only dream about having when you've only got tuppence ha'penny in your purse I think it's understandable.......the thing is to tell yourself that when you look at what you have, it's because it's down to you, and quite frankly the best of that is that you don't need to feel as if you need the gift givers approval as the only person you need to please is yourself.......

YoYoYoItsTillyMinto · 23/06/2012 19:13

CJ2010 you are looking at this all wrong. you are picking what you want from your friends' lives.

would you swap, all of your life for all of theirs? i thought not, because you prefer the whole of your life to the whole of theirs, because you have the better life.

DefenceAgainstTheDarkArts · 23/06/2012 19:13

GwendolineMaryLacey you too? Grin

On a serious note, there are a lot of control there, to the point where I suspect were I married to my dad the relationship would probably be classed as abusive. I earn a good salary but he still checks my balance and rings me up to yell about spending money. Because what's his is mine, the reverse is also true in his eyes.

Original poster
CJ2010 · 23/06/2012 19:15

Narked Raspberry - stop boasting, it's so arrogant.

OP posts:
Thingiebob · 23/06/2012 19:16

CJ - I don't think you are being unreasonable to have these emotions. Time and time again I came up against so-called friends and even relatives making cheeky comments when me and DH were renting and asking us when we were going to get a mortgage. We didn't have family who could help us with a deposit which frustratingly enough was the very reason most of our mates were able to get on the property ladder!

Very irritating.

We channelled our frustrations into saving for a deposit. It has taken us an age to become homeowners.

It is extremely disingenuous for other posters to suggest you are being unreasonable, it is human nature to feel envious. However, there isn't much you can do except try not to let envy cripple you. Unless it motivates you, it is a largely destructive emotion.

jaquelinehyde · 23/06/2012 19:20

CJ I am amazed that you have referred to people who recieve financial gifts as arrogant and failures, yet you have made it quite clear you would happily accept money if someone was giving it away.

You cannot claim to have the moral highground here as you are quite simply just jealous and your whinging and insults are rather pathetic!

SCOTCHandWRY · 23/06/2012 19:20

A couple of posters have mentioned "being left nothing but debts" - you are not responsible for the debts of anyone else (unless you were jointly responsible for those debts). If a persons estate can't cover their debts, those debts die with them!

FrillyMilly · 23/06/2012 19:21

My mum and in laws will help us out when we really need it. Say £50 before pay day that kind of thing. However they all still work full time and have rent/mortgage to pay. I feel jealous when people can have their parents or ILs look after their children instead of using childcare. I would love my mum to be able to look after mine even just one day a week. I also feel jealous when friends of ours get help with something big like a house deposit when we are working so hard to save yet never seem to get any closer to being able to buy.

jaquelinehyde · 23/06/2012 19:25

Oooh Scotch that is good news Grin

FullBeam · 23/06/2012 19:26

Op, I admire you for acknowledging that you feel bitter and jealous. I also have struggled with these types of feelings in the past and felt really ashamed of myself for feeling like that.

I know it sounds trite but counting your blessings can be a good way to get rid of resentment. Find things in your life that show you that you are really 'rich' in a more meaningful way.

I hope this doesn't sound too Disney, but I think it's true!

OhDoAdmitMrsDeVere · 23/06/2012 19:29

Legally maybe but not always morally. There are sometimes people who need paying and not being legally liable doesnt stop companies chasing. I know some bereaved parents who have suffered dreadfully because of their adult children's debts.
Debts leave a mess and funerals are incredibly expensive too.

I know that sounds awful. I love my mum. But she only has her self to look after and she spends far more than she has and makes no provision for herself.

If we were not so skint it wouldnt worry me at all. But we are and I do worry. I worry that we will have to go into debt to see her right. Because of course we would.

PleasantlySurprised · 23/06/2012 19:52

Oh Mrs DeVere, I feel your pain.

My darling Gran had saved up enough to bury herself, plus a wee bit extra to be shared out. But my Mum kept mucking up with money, and Gran had to keep bailing her out. I remember Gran being beside herself every time she had to dip into her nest egg as she had an abject fear of ending up in a pauper's grave.

Fortunately, Mum married someone well off, so when Gran died there was more than enough to bury her. Of course, Mum kept the left over cash, and now we're on the breadline, there is no money left to help us out, and Mum's not willing to make any effort because "she had to make ends meet" when we were younger.

sigh Go figure. I don't think it's right to expect your parents to help you out. But it's hard to read of adults older than me getting massive handouts (and sometimes expensive presents "just because"), whilst they still complain about "how tough everything is with the current economic climate" when you're worrying how to make ends meet at the end of the month, and YOUR parents are shrugging their shoulders and say "Yeah, crap isn't it?"

NiniLegsInTheAir · 23/06/2012 20:23

I don't think YABU OP, I get the same feelings myself sometimes. I know several couples who recieve money from their parents every month so their DCs can go to more expensive nurseries. That always seems a bit indulgent to me - my DC goes to a cheaper nursery as its what we can afford. I wouldn't dream of overstretching us on something like that than expect handouts from family. Hmm

We on the other hand get nothing from family. My parents are currently spending what little money they have fighting each other in court in a very bitter divorce, and FIL spends what little money he has on flash holidays with whatever GF he has at the time. It does grate when we're struggling with money, but at least we can keep our heads above water (just).

swearytramp · 23/06/2012 20:33

Oh I totally agree I have an ex friend whose mummy and daddy paid for her massive great wedding, bought them their lovely big car then gave them a house...and she still wasn't happy. Sod her. I'd rather be proud of the fact thet everything we have we have worked for. My mum is constantly saying she wishes she could help us, but she can't. What's the point in being resnetful about it all though.

Adversecamber · 23/06/2012 20:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MummytoKatie · 23/06/2012 20:51

We have comfortably off parents. They occassionally offer money. We never take it. We like being independent and want them to spend their money on them.

It means that we can spend our money on whatever we like without having to feel like we need to justify it. It's great!

lastnerve · 23/06/2012 21:46

I have on parent who helps me out whenever they can and buy things out of the goodness of their heart.

I have another who doesn't even remember how old I am and has never even so much as bought me a birthday card.

I think if you equate handouts= spoiled then YABU

EldritchCleavage · 23/06/2012 21:48

I don't know OP, I think your feelings are a bit over the top. My parents would give me money like a shot but haven't got any, so no help for me either. But the thought of being able to help my children in the future as well as now is a massive motivator for me at work and in life generally. it is the reason a lot of people work so hard. It is why a lot of family companies exist. So I can well understand that people who have money give great wodges of it to their children.
YANBU to find having to hear all about it very annoying though.

EclecticShock · 23/06/2012 21:51

I personally think you are being ridiculous. I wish my ds was a typical toddler but I don't envy those with typical toddlers. Such is life, you can only control what you can change.

maddening · 23/06/2012 21:52

I feel jealous of winners of the lottery but not to the point of bitterness - but someone has worked hard for these gifts which are given to someone's ds or dd

CaptainVonTrapp · 23/06/2012 21:53

I don't think they are boasting OP (what is there to boast about really?) I think they're acknowledging the help they've had. Rather than making it a secret (which no doubt some wouldn't approve of either).

Panzee · 23/06/2012 21:58

Hopefully you can vent here and not let it eat you up. It's not like they've got the money instead of you. Try not to let it get to you so much, I'm sure you realise that it's destructive to feel this way. Look at your gorgeous children and instead of crying, try to be happy that you are a family together.

Ugh I sounded like Pollyanna then. Shock I do mean it though! :)

maddening · 23/06/2012 22:03

it is a natural feeling but one that only hurts you and is worth letting go rather than letting it bother you - it's really not helping you to feel this way - so negative