To feel jealous/ resentful of people who get handouts from parents

[CJ2010]

That's it really. I seem to be surrounded by people who are being helped out with buying a house or who are being given thousands of pounds in cash. I feel so jealous.

My parents are separated and both have a few quid but I don't get any help. I feel so resentful, I can't help it. I'm skint at the moment and I feel so bitter. I look at my two DC's and I want to cry.

Please give me a talking to.

OP, YANBU.

My DH earns good money but we're still struggling to make ends meet at the moment due to childcare bills and some unexpected bills due to white goods breaking, cars, etc. A "perfect storm" that should sort itself out by the end of the year but is tough in the meantime.

Meanwhile we have siblings who get oodles of subsidies from the DPs, such as grocery shopping, and free childcare. Go out frequently with free babysitting from DPs. We reckon a good few hundred quid a month each.

We get nothing, maybe a few quid for the DCs to go on a bouncy castle if we go out with them. That's it.

I have no reason to be jealous because I am proud of us being independent. And wouldn't dream of asking for help.

And yet, I am jealous. Because my DCs are being treated as second-rate and it's not fair. They're gorgeous and I don't understand why their grandparents don't want to give them as much as their cousins.

I need a slap.

Yanbu

I'm a bad person who is totally jealous of others who are given handouts and offers of help with childcare. Just one night out at the pics would be amazing. We are heading towards financial ruin despite working every hour possible. I'm stressed, down and extremely bitter :(

I hate myself for feeling like this but it's the truth.

I'm about to get a handout from my parents, now probate is sorted.
I'd rather have my parents though.

Blanche.

FWIW, I do try to keep telling my DPs and PILs that we don't care about inheritances, they should spend their money (not on siblings or us!) on enjoying their time left.

ageappropriate you just summed up my feelings perfectly.

My dad just told my sister he will not be contributing to her wedding as we (me and my sister) have had enough from him. She hadn't aked for or expected a contribution, she and her fiancee are paying for it themselves. We haven't had a birthday card from him since childhood or anything else so can only assume he is talking about presents he has given my dds. Just at Christmas though, far too difficult to remember a couple of birthdays a year.

Some people have money/time etc and use it to help their children. I spoke to someone recently studying to work in the aviation industry and one of his classmates was training to be an airline pilot funded by his parents re-mortgaging their home. The Queen has bought her children homes (Andrew,Anne,Edward) or provided funding for them. My colleague recently got £5k from his ailing father who wants him to have it now not when he (father) dies

I was actually very nice. Until I saw what you'd said about people being 'failures'. Then I decided you were unpleasant and generally an arse.

The previous poster who said comparison was the thief of joy hit the nail on the head.

I used to tie myself up in knots of anxiety about the way I looked, because I used to buy every fashion magazine every month. In retrospect I don't know why I wasted so much mental energy - of COURSE I was never going to be as thin or as beautiful as the women who were genetically blessed enough to make a living out of being thin and beautiful. I stopped buying the magazines, stopped the crippling diets, stopped buying expensive makeup and I can honestly say that my happiness has increased exponentially since then.

Just let it go. Play the hand you're dealt, and stop thinking about what other people have.

Stop being so bloody jealous and focus on earning your own money. Parents money doesn't equal your right.
It's really sad the you keep comparing yourself to other people. Get over it.

I am not jealous at all of people who get given money from their parents... I actually pity most of them. they will be forever indebted with their parents, will probably get reminders every time they disagree on anything with their parents that "you are where you are thanks to me", will feel the pressure to do as they wish, and will never feel the pride of not having needed any help. I never asked and would have never accepted any money from my parents and I am damn proud of all I have achieved in life, with my hard work and independence. When my mum comes into my house, it's my rules, not hers. She will never be able to tell me: "you bought this house thanks to me!".

That seems to be down to the way your mother is then. Don't speak for the rest of us please.

It's always a bummer to s ee people getting handouts, but I think of my pal who kept changing her credit card for0% fees, then running up new bills. When it got to the stage where she could barely make minimum payment, her dad would sort it out, again and again, always promising that this would be the last. Then one day it was the last, her dad had simply run out of savings, meanwhile, my friend felt entitled and had developed no money management skills. Years later, she is still not on top of it, best wishes

I do rather agree with poppywearer.

My children come way way way down the list with my MIL (she recently changed the subject from my DS's SN and the fact he almost certainly start school to talk about her ageing (but no specific problem) CAT FFS!) and that does get me.. Nothing to do with money. Everything to do with where they come in her list of priorities.

YABU, of course you are. But I would be too. Sometimes BU is not something we are, we know that we are but we don't act on it. Do you see what I mean?

We all have totally unreasonable thoughts which we wouldn't act on but as long as you're not then what's the problem? You're only verbalising that thought here and I suspect many feel the same way

Exactly worrywort I had a whole day of being told about the other DGCs yesterday and all the problems/ishoos they have, hence need for such a huuuuge amount of grandparental help.

Completely ignoring the fact that I have exactly the same scenario to "endure" this week and will, somehow, cope by myself, just as I did a few weeks ago.

The money is just another manifestation of this.

Like when the GCs were all given money for their CTFs but DS was forgotten. How do you forget a grandchild especially one so ridiculously cute?

I cant decide if YABU or not .

I think there are so many inequalities in life and actually in the great scheme of things financial ones are among the least important.

If you are struggling its galling if your friends are getting massive handouts and being brash about it but really theres no point letting it get to you

Fortunately my DB and I are treated the same, so both get sod all. It must be so difficult to see siblings being treated favourably, esp when your DC suffers as a consequence. To those in this situation, do you question your parents and siblings on the unfairness of it all? And ask why you are treated differently? I'd be tempted to make them ( parents / PILs) feel uncomfortable and guilty.

Your life will be as happy as your thoughts make it. Turn your jealousy into self respect by being proud of what you have done for your DC.

I don't know if my brother and I get treated differently money wise. I suspect not but I haven't been totting up the bills. I know he has the reputation of the spendthrift and I the saver. But I honestly don't care. It's not my money, it's my parents'.

I know a few people who have been bailed out by their parents. IME they don't seem to learn and carry on getting into more debt.

My friend seems to get big money from her parents (and knows it's always there), both her and her DH earn decent money but are always skint, they've never learned to plan and save.

MY DH and I know that there is no money from either of our parents. His earn ok money but waste it all, my mother is a widow living on a small pension. In some ways I am glad because it has made us in control of our own situation. We plan and save for the future and don't rely on anyone. I'd rather that than be handed out loads of cash but never learning to handle it.

We also don't owe anyone anything, our parents cannot pull strings to control us. Of course I'd do anything for my mother, but will not be financially obligated to do so.

I can understand how you feel, but try and be proud of your own situation.

I know just how you feel OP!

I used to have a friend who rented her own flat when we were about 20/21ish and always used to harp on about how 'independent' she was. However her Dad paid her rent, bought her a car, paid for tax and insurance everything. I stopped talking to her when she started to moan that her Dad hadn't given her any extra money for her birthday and didn't I think it was unfair she wasn't getting a birthday present

When I was at Uni everyone I shared with had parents who either paid their rent or gave them a monthly handout. I had neither or these and worked my way through university, where they had their weekends to do as they pleased. The thing that really used to annoy me was that they would all moan about not having enough money! Get a job you lazy fuckers!!

It's hard not to resent people who seem to have everything handed to them. Especially when they rub it in your face and don't seem the appreciate it at all.

I can totally understand how you feel. Money often attracts money, so it are often the people who come from a wealthy family who get the best education and even if they are not very clever, end up in the best paid jobs due to good contacts. They get money to buy their house, to buy their kids houses. I see it all around me. The problem is that in the UK there are lots of very very wealthy people (of whom lots pay relatively little tax) and lots of people who are not well off at all and are unlikely to be ever well off, no matter how hard they work/try. It is a very divided society with haves and have nots.

And those who are the haves are usually the ones who really feel entitled (feel entitled to have it all and paying as little tax as possible and think that they are clever as a result, looking down onto people who don't have much and thinking that they are losers and scroungers). I don't think that the have nots are feeling entitled, they just want a chance, which they are unlikely to ever get if they stay in this feudal society.

OP try to make the best of your situation, choose your friends carefully and maybe consider moving to the continent.

My parents divorced and I have 1 DB

My Dad remarried and my 2 half sisters grew up with material things we never had, almost opposite ends of the spectrum in fact. Until my mid twenties I had a big chip on my shoulder about it.

Fast forward and its not that disimilar now really , the 4 of us are a mixed bag but my youngest sister is still very spoilt and the rest of us arent.Fortunately I no longer worry about it and set out to build a relationship with my Dad a few years ago.

In my case I think that DB and I were a bit out of sight out of mind ? I dont know. I couldnt treat us the way Dad did but I wouldnt question him on it now or attempt to make him feel guilty about it.

Why are you so bitter about this ? Do you have wealthy parents who wont help you out?

Yabvvvu
My parents gave me 100k when I was 21 to buy a house. Can't describe how grateful I was/am. I'm now 26 and my mum died 4 months ago. I would give back every penny of it plus everything I have to have her back.
Health matters so much more than money. Just be thankful if they are still alive - trust me when I say from experience you have got the better end of the deal.

You have to let it go or it will screw you up.

My father has more money than he knows what to do with, but it is his opinion that his lazy good-for-nothing children ought to stand on their own two feet. So we do. I was angry about it for a long time, but then realised that he's right, actually, there's no reason why he should support me or buy presents for me and my children if he doesn't want to! Does rankle when he pleads poverty though.