To feel jealous/ resentful of people who get handouts from parents

[CJ2010]

That's it really. I seem to be surrounded by people who are being helped out with buying a house or who are being given thousands of pounds in cash. I feel so jealous.

My parents are separated and both have a few quid but I don't get any help. I feel so resentful, I can't help it. I'm skint at the moment and I feel so bitter. I look at my two DC's and I want to cry.

Please give me a talking to.

When I was at Uni everyone I shared with had parents who either paid their rent or gave them a monthly handout. I had neither or these and worked my way through university, where they had their weekends to do as they pleased. The thing that really used to annoy me was that they would all moan about not having enough money! Get a job you lazy fuckers!!

This^ You could be me! Also when I was at uni I was the only one who worked and I always struggled for money. My richer friends all just thought I was bad with money, but in fact it was because I had less than them and even had to work for that.

My parents grew up with nothing - mum lived in a caravan in pit head yard, dad's folks had nothing. They worked hard, lived simply and were careful with their money. when I was small mum made my clothes, dad repaired our shoes.

As a result they were aware of how much money could help when you need it. My Xmas and birthday presents when I first started work were services for my car; when DH started his pgce so he could have a new career and not work away Monday-thurs with small children, our birthday presents were cash to spend on holidays. So I've been helped financially as an adult but we've never had help with child care, for example.

Now we're extending our house and having a new kitchen courtesy of my mum and my godmother. They don't know this: they both died last year. Hence the inheritance. I could waste my time being jealous of people who still have utterly fabulous mothers. But its really not worth it.

It's hard when other people have more or when they've had it more easily but life just isn't fair.

Get some poorer mates. Look at the wider picture and how much poverty there is in the world. And, trite as it sounds, count your blessings.

My parents are both dead. So are DPs. My Daughter has no grandparents, let alone generous ones.

Am I jealous of people that get handouts & help from their parents?

Of course I am.

There is more to life than that though. Don't let the envy eat you up & ruin you enjoyment of what you DO have.

Yes, we have helped now adult DCs but there was always, apparently, others whose parents had bought them more, a flat, car or whatever.

But we got no help from our DPs which is maybe why we are keen to help our DCs and you, OP, will probably try hard to do the same.

Maybe not jealous, enviousness perhaps? Its all well and and dandy to be able to say I got where I am on my own merits and nobody helped me financially, but if my dm was in a position to say give me a deposit for a house (she isn't as she is as poor as me ) then I dont think for a second I would turn it down for a the above reason.

My parents came from literally nothing and have been very successful. They own a beautiful house worth over £1M and 7 or 8 investment properties. They put us through university so that none of us left with any debt, they paid for our weddings but other than that they have never given any of us a penny as adults and I don't expect them to. I have no idea of the arrangements of their wills, they have never mentioned any inheritance to us and although I expect we will be beneficiaries, and if I know my father it will all be done in a highly tax effective way, I would never dream of asking and I have no expectations. Their money is theirs to enjoy, if there is any left of over when they are gone then that would be great but in the meantime they should enjoy it and not give it to us.

I have parents who just quite simply, don't want to help. They don't see my son, because they don't want to. They are comparatively well off, no mortgage etc, but don't want to help us. At all, ever. They hate the world and everyone in it.

All I can do is try my best, save hard and make my own way, and resolve to be different. When my DS grows up, I will help him with a deposit, council tax, car bills etc. Not enough to make him lazy, just enough to help because I know how shitty it is when someone can help, but chooses not to.

I once got money from my dad wen i moved into a new house. The only way i got the money was if i paid it back n i did. I dont expect handouts from my parents whether im strugglin or not. It was only a couple hundred pounds that i borrowed. My dad works hard for his money so why shuld i take it.

Why do people expect to get when their parents die??

Your envy is understandable but unreasonable.

And given the costs of housing in this country I don't see how anyone could say that it's childish or being a failure to accept a gift to help with a deposit on a flat. I'd do that in a heartbeat when and if my DCs needed it, and I'd think something was very wrong with our relationship if they declined the offer.

The eternal adolescents who are constantly being bailed out by parents due to chronic overspending are a different matter of course.

I have always worked hard but 3 years ago i found out my DH (now XH) had got into a lot of debt behind my back, as a result we nearly lost our house and literally had nothing. Without both our parents help we would have been repossessed and homeless and my parents have helped me out quite a lot since I left him. This is not how I want my life to be and definitely not what I have always worked for but I don't know where I'd be now if it wasn't for my parents. Yes I am lucky but they worked hard to be in the position where they can support their children and I will always be there to return the favour when they need my help. This is something I owe them and will do it out of love, not obligation, which is the same attitude they show towards me.

There is no point resenting people for having things you don't have. I expect you have plenty of things that other people long for. I sometimes feel a pang of envy when with friends in happy marriages but I don't resent them for it- what is the point of wasting my emotional energy!

I think this is a very emotive issue. I am an only child and my Mum and Dad have helped out financially in the past. Once gave me some money to help me buy my own home after going through a divorce, and once helped pay monthly bills after I had been made redundant twice in 2 months and had no money to tide me over (this was the fifth time in five years).

I have always tried to pay them back but they won't take it.

I cant comment much because im doing the saving for moving myself without parents help BUT i can comment with grandparents situation. My sister got 2 months rent paid for when my sister was struggling. My brother nor me have had money from family. We dont like to ask. I only use family as a very last resort. I'd rather find ways to cut down on things for myself as much as possible or sell some of mine or dd's things that we dont need. I'm not jealous, I'm in fact proud that i dont go to others for money unless its dire need. I agree with other posts. Look at the bigger picture. What about the people who have no parents or family because they moved to a different place or they fell out or died etc. Count yourself lucky to have people that love you around you. God im such a hippy maaaaaan.

It's weird. Every time someone posts a problem that isn't "naice" people jump on their back and say stuff like "consider yourself lucky". I mean, that's all very well in principle, but to me, it's a very dismissive thing to say.

To those of you who thinks the OP is being silly, do you really never have a jealous thought or think bad things?

Of COURSE the way the OP is feeling isn't a good thing for her. But I think it's really a natural way to feel sometimes. We could say "count your blessings" for every problem on earth, but it doesn't make it go away.

I help my mum out on a regular monthly basis as she can't manage on her pension so I think YABU.

yellowrain - i do get jealous of things yes. Just not to do with money. Maybe that'll change in future, I don't know.

YANBU to be envious

YABU to be resentful

Envy only hurts you.

We all have things we could cherry pick from the lives of others - I certainly have. But you are choosing to look at one issue and define yourself as hard done by. That is not going to help anyone, especially you.

When my dad died I had his funeral to pay for and his debts to settle. Same will happen when my mum goes. Dhs parents told us 10 years ago that they are leaving their fairly decent estate to fund school bursaries.

I had to say no to uni as I had to send money home to help my family. I worked in the city surrounded by the children of incredibly wealthy people paying for their flats in Kensington and ski trips etc etc.
If I had decided back then to resent everyone around me and sneer at their good fortune it would just have driven me crazy.
I think with a few lucky exceptions we all have our cross to bear and deciding how good our lives are based upon our view of the oh so easy lichees of others is probably as inaccurate as it is unwise.

I am going to be able to help my dc and I am incredibly grateful for that. It will not make them failures.

Easy lichees ? A type of harlot
lives

"Handouts" How I hate that word. "Handouts" is how David Cameron and the Daily Mail refer to state benefits - as if unemployment benefit and disability allowances are given to beggars out of charity.

I this context "gifts" or "presents" would be more appropriate, don't you?

OP -- Did you feel this way before you had DC?

I never used to envy friends when I was single and broke, I managed to get by just fine. Now that I have DS though I find myself struggling more often with feelings of jealousy. I think it's guilt though, really -- I so want to be able to rent a flat with a little garden, as he loves playing outside more than anything; I'm so sad to think about having to send him to a terrible school. I'm just frustrated that I can't give him things that other people all assume as standard, because they've gotten a lot of help.

But jealousy really is ugly, so YANBU for having these feelings but you really need to find a way to rationalise them away.

I really don't understand why some of the posters on here, who have been helped out financially and who feel the need to talk exact amounts, go on in the next sentence to tell me to 'count my blessings' and 'oh well that's just how life is'

Please stop bragging.

I know the feeling. My sister and BIL got £1000 a month from BIL's parents for at least 6 years. They were also both working for most of that time. She dared to say she was skint all the time?! (They had a lower mortgage than us, and could always afford 4 holidays a year!)

I think it is only an issue if they either flaunt their wealth when they know you are struggling, or claim they are "skint" when they have a lot in savings (over £60k!).

I agree with you OP.

You could say it to any problem

My husband is lazy - that's how life is, at least you have a husband.
My children are annoying - that's how life is, at least you have a husband.

I don't expect everyone to agree on anything, but when you post stuff like that, it just seems like you have no time for other people's problems. It's so dismissive.

You see that's why people aren't warming to you. Some of the people saying they've had money and that you should count your blessings have also said that their parent died soon afterwards, and that they'd rather have them alive than have a penny of the money. But all you see are the £ signs. You're dripping with envy that you haven't been offered money by your parents whilst accusing people of being 'failures' for accepting money from their parents.

FYI my mother is also prettier than yours and my dad could beat yours in a fight. HTH