WWYD 5yr old 'racist' comment

[lola88]

When i picked my niece up from school on thursday the teacher told my there had been an incident with a little boy calling her a 'black face' she is mixed race. I was totally shocked she has never had any sort of racist comments before so was new for me to deal with tho i'm sure it won't be the last. The teacher spoke to the boys mum and DN seems fine about it to her it's just like being called any other name.

The thing thats annoying me is the boys mum i have spoke to her a couple of times and see her around a lot, but she's not said a word about it. If i was in her shoes i would want to say something but she has totally ignored me giving me cold looks if i catch her eye. I don't get it i tried to give her a 'kids will be kids' smile when it happened she just stalked off past me.

I don't know how to say this without sounding dramatic but i'm worried she's not said anything because maybe she herself has a problem with racism friends i've spoke to have suggested it saying he must have picked it up at home but i don't know.

WWYD if your child said that and you sort of knew the other childs parent/aunt? I'm so worried that if she's not dealing with it it could turn nasty for DN

I understand where you're coming from MrsDV, but on balance i have to say I feel that racism can be experienced and/or shown by anyone of whatever colour.

I think it springs from a fear of difference that we have to learn to overcome and challenge in ourselves. If you're brought up with tolerance and respect for all then it will be less of a challenge to overcome any fears that remain.

I agree with you Nosey.
I feel utterly sancitmonioused against.

lots of threads go off the original point - its called a discussion.

Will the best will in the world you can't call me sanctimonious, I'm a devout atheist.

But yes totally intolerant.

sorry MrsDV - I will try to stop.

Not having read ALL the posts, but going on the OP I would have said it was a perfectly innocent observation.
As someone who has no interest in racism or the colour of anyone's skin, I do find it hard to explain accepted 'terminology' to my DC's, not helped by the fact that we live in a very rural 'white' area and, from memory, there are two children in the whole school that are not light skinned.

My DS3 (5) is very good friends with one of the little boys and I overheard him when helping at the school one day telling his friend he needs to get some better soap as his skin looks dirty. I was completely mortified and had a chat with him about it later (obviously), I also spoke to his Mum (who thought it was very funny) ... they are Mediterranean ...
On Saturday DS2 (6) had a footy match and DH shouted from the side of the pitch "who are you marking", the response was "that black boy". Is that unacceptable? Is it any different to "that ginger boy"?
I really don't think it was malicious, but if it offended you maybe you could suggest a 'term' that you think is appropriate so she can teach her DC?

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread, simply because I'm tired, and ther is just too many pages, but has someone asked the following:

How old are the children?

Is it possible it was an innocent remark?

Or, at least a 'matter of fact' statement?

It is quite possible that this wasn't a racist remark ( depending on age of children) but just a young, enquiring mind getting things slightly wrong.

And before you all jump on me for not understanding or whatever, i would like to point ou that, I have had issues like this. I, like OP, have a mixed race niece.

Ghanagirl - sorry, looking back that was a total generalisation i made - i was angry remembering the stuff my sister got called; unfortunately she never told me, it was a huge school, i mixed with a small group of girls only & wasn't aware or i would have definitely tried to do something.
It's sad that the mixed race girl who bullied you was made to feel ashamed of her background by her own mother - but that doesn't excuse her bullying you.

But i think that children should be taught at 5 what is acceptable & what is wrong; including about racism.
If they are racist as older children or teenagers then we know it's because they intend to be.
More difficult to tell what a 5 yr old's motivation is for a comment - although i think that often certain comments do seem to come from what they hear at home.

I'd bring it up with the mother which would be uncomfortable but for the child to differentiate between your neice and other kids in this way is not right. I would be mortified if it happened to my child (being mixed race herself) and do everything I could to stop it happening again.

I still get called Blondie..My hair never darkened as I got older.

Better call someone and inform them that my DP doesn't have a pet name for me, he has a racist name for me!

It's ironic because so many of us fought for years for the option not to have our children dismissed insultingly as 'other'.
Like they were unimportant, a dirty little secret, not deserving of a proper classification of their own.

You always had the choice. Other therefore means something different to you.
I am genuinely surprised that you can't grasp that.

Maybe more of us should consider ticking the "prefer not to say" box, if really we would prefer not to say. They always claim they are going to put the information to good use to make things better for everyone - ensure equality of access to services etc., but if the process of giving the information causes upset or even feels uncomfortable, perhaps more of us should decline. "Prefer not to say" may be the most honest/ accurate answer ?

(We're all WBR in my immediate family by the way. I tend to put exactly that - "WBR" if asked for ethnicity on a form. I wouldn't like to write it out long-hand really. I wouldn't like to describe myself as "white" or "white british" - there's been too much heartache and violence related to race and skin colour.
It feels quite different to other labels I'd be happy to use about myself such as "woman" or "mother")

What is it that you want baby?
You want to be seen as oppressed and marginalised?
Are you?
My white background is as mixed as the next person but I have never been disregarded as unimportant and unworthy of a mention on those forms.
If you are not white European why don't you do what we did and draw your big box with white African, Indian in it?
I see a lot of those forms and they have an awful lot of categories on them.

Btw I wasn't being sarcastic so I fail to see the need for you to be.

I have supported you on many a thread where people have refused to take your child's needs seriously and dismissed your concerns about him. I am pretty disappointed that you can't see why parents of black and mixed race children don't have the same feelings of frustration when they are treated like trouble making idiots when they have valid views.

Different issue, same feelings of frustration and humiliation.

My son did this when he was 5 or 6, he went to a multi-cultural nursery, so he had seen other cultures. But he asked me why a girl had a brown face in the middle of a shop in front of the mother. He didn't call her a name, it was a question but the look I got from the mother, I could have curled up and died. She burst in with 'because her Dad is foreign!' I was stunned, he didn't say anything bad, did he? Maybe it is an innocent thing that kids come out with and even they don't know why.

Yeh, I think you've a good point there melika - young children don't know that it's a sensitive issue. I guess we have to gently teach them that it is because sometimes people are unkind to those with a different background to themselves

Surely (in response to OP) the teacher would not have been allowed to divulge what child 'name called'

My son was/is having some difficulties with a boy in his class with SN, the SN situation was causing the issue (iyswim) the teacher could only direct me to his Mum ... I think schools share very little with other parents these days.

I think that is a good thing.

So, op if you are still reading responses, I'd let it rest and not worry! :)

So the boy made a probably innocently-meant but somewhat inappropriate comment to another child, the teacher had a word with the mum, the boy hasn't said it again, and no one has been upset.

I don't see the problem. Why would you expect the mum to speak to you? If you feel it's necessary for you and her to discuss the 'incident', why don't you speak to her?

If you are happy with the way the school has dealt with it I would let the matter rest there and give both the boy and his mother the benefit of the doubt.

I have talked to my children about racism/sexism/ poverty/elitism etc since they were very you. I do not tell them what to think, rather we have a two way discussion. Despite this we had a couple of innocent faux pas in relation to skin colour.

You have a child with a mixed heritage, help her to be proud of this and to respect people from different heritages. Help her develop a healthy perspecitve on racism. If you keep reinforcing this message, show her positive role models of different ethnic origins and the hopefully the world she inhabits will not just look black and white.

"Better call someone and inform them that my DP doesn't have a pet name for me, he has a racist name for me!"

yeah because that's what racism is all about, strangers in the street calling my 6 year old by a "pet name" We love to call him "chinky" when we're having a cuddle before bedtime.

Time for me to leave the thread - when I'm effectively being told to suck up whatever racist names anyone feels like calling my child because their husband calls them "blondie" And my head is bleeding from banging it on the kitchen table, and I'm having a tooth out later will will hurt more than enough without additional help.

Really there just aren't enough 's in the world for that comment for my requirements.

I really really hope when I was a single white middle class woman without an ethnic minority child that I wasn't quite so lacking in empathy. Please god tell me I wasn't.

Actually Kew I being sarcastic. My point was getting called Blondie isn't racist IMO.

But thanks for those lovely comments. You can throw out sarcasm, learn to understand it.

sorry Lurking - it wasn't at all obvious to me you were being sarcastic. Similar comments have already been made that weren't at all sarcastic and my sarcasm detector is obviously faulty. definitely time to leave then...

I apologise for snapping, that was extremely inappropriate.

FWIW I think everything you have said here has been really insightful. My best friend (we've known each other since we were four) is half Filipino, she's had to deal with everything from teachers asking her if she speaks Chinese to kids screaming out 'Haha chinky chose BANANA ice cream!'

I live in a rural white town with three Asian families, so trust me the whole 'whites get picked on too!!' thing has always confused me.