WWYD 5yr old 'racist' comment

[lola88]

When i picked my niece up from school on thursday the teacher told my there had been an incident with a little boy calling her a 'black face' she is mixed race. I was totally shocked she has never had any sort of racist comments before so was new for me to deal with tho i'm sure it won't be the last. The teacher spoke to the boys mum and DN seems fine about it to her it's just like being called any other name.

The thing thats annoying me is the boys mum i have spoke to her a couple of times and see her around a lot, but she's not said a word about it. If i was in her shoes i would want to say something but she has totally ignored me giving me cold looks if i catch her eye. I don't get it i tried to give her a 'kids will be kids' smile when it happened she just stalked off past me.

I don't know how to say this without sounding dramatic but i'm worried she's not said anything because maybe she herself has a problem with racism friends i've spoke to have suggested it saying he must have picked it up at home but i don't know.

WWYD if your child said that and you sort of knew the other childs parent/aunt? I'm so worried that if she's not dealing with it it could turn nasty for DN

OP, a 5 yr might not understand that calling someone 'black face' could be percieved as a racist comment. However it does point out that that 5 yr old has been raised with some racist influences who do consider racist comments OK.

So what to do? It is unlikely that the parents are going to deal with this issue. They probably grew up with racist sentiments in their family, and believe that they have a 'right' to be racist. Please let your DN parents know about this, so that they can talk about tactics that your DN can use to combat this.

As an aside, when I have encountered racist commentary from strangers, I have found shouting out "Racist pig!!!" to be extremely effective . You may or may not want to teach your DN this tactic (or something similar).

If I were the mum in the op I'm not sure what I should be doing. I would have been mortified and spoken to my dc and asked the school to report back to me that all was well in the future but apart from that I wouldn't know I was expected to say something to the aunt of the child who it was said to. An what I would be expected to say about it. They are five and it has been dealt with, hopefully it's enough

4yo DS pointed at a HUGE man & loudly talked about how fat he was the other day. Boy did I cringe. And tried to explain to him why that might hurt the man's feelings so must not say things like that loudly. I won't get thru to him quickly, though, I won't be surprised if it happens again.

My children's nieces and nephews are mixed race. They are older than my youngest and when he was very little he took to referring to them as his brown cousins. He also got confused as to why black people where called black "but they're not mommy, they're brown!" Though he use to put a D at the end of brown.

It's hard to know if the children are hearing racist comments at home, but I reckon the parent's response to a complaint is the telling factor here.

Emma I went through similar with DS2 . We didn't realise at the time that he was autistic and I was horrified that my 'teachings' were not getting through.
He would point out people with disabilities and differences and I would be mortified.
He is fine now but it took a lot of work to get through.

Perhaps the school have dealt with it and she feels no need to speak to you about it?

Also, there's a chance she might have misinterpreted your 'kids will be kids' smile as something else.

I'd say she's either embarrassed or wholly accepts her child isn't racist and it was an innocent remark by a 5yr old who has now been put straight by herself and the school.

well if it was my child that had said something i would be mortified and would apologise to the parents i think.

it is hard as little children say things and dont mean anything, they are often very literal. my ds4 is just 4 and he saw a black teen with a big afro a while ago and he was literally amazed by his 'big hair' and commented on it quite loudly, i was embarrased but explained to him that his hair was 'big' as it was curly, unlike his own hair that is straight and also reminded him its rude to comment on peoples appearance. as it was the teen wasnt bothered and laughed and said hello to ds4 and we see him regularly and he always waves to ds4 which is lovely of him.

ds1 used to comment that any old ladies who had wrinkly skin or large noses etc 'looked like a witch' he was about 3 at the time, it was embarrasing, but again i told him it wasnt polite.

i guess as a parent you just reinforce the fact that all people are different and look different but that we are all equal, it is normal for children to notice differences but not for them to think less of someone because they are different and they need to learn to be polite etc.

i would speak to the school and clarify that its been dealt with and mabye the mum was embarrased? maybe she mistook your kids will be kids smile for something else? or maybe she is racist, in which case you probably wont be able to change her views, but i would pick her up on any comments she makes! and keep an eye on the situation and make sure hte school deals with any issues?

With a 5yo it's likely to have just been descriptive rather than nasty. Would this fuss be made if he said brown hair/fat etc?? Also I think it's asking a bit much for the kid of 5 to know when someone is mixed race or black, if you don't know someone they may be a 'lighter' black or they may be mixed race. I'll be honest, it's not always obvious.

Of course the child shouldn't have said it and he needs to be taught it is unacceptable but don't demonise a child of 5 and call him racist when it is unlikely to be the case.

The mother is probably embarrassed as she would be if her child called someone fat, don't decide she's racist because she hasn't said anything to you. She probably sees it as having been dealt with.

You say you're worried about things turning nasty for DN if it's not dealt with, which I totally understand, but rather than worrying about the parent's reaction (which could be embarrassment, she might not want to discuss it with you as you are the aunt rather than the mother, or yes, she could be racist) this is when you need to be on top of school to make sure it is dealt with and it isn't going to happen again.

So you or your sister needs to go in and see the HT, say you understand this happened and the teacher dealt with it at the time, great, but what are you doing to make sure it doesn't happen again

You can't 'control' what other DCs hear at home but you can influence how that behaviour is dealt with at school, if you see what I mean.

Why should the parent have to speak to you? Leave her alone.

An apology/explanation would have been nice

sosad Please explain to me how a 5 year old saying "black face" is indicative of hearing racist comments at home?

ohdoadmit I stand by what I said, this child was 5. People need to retain a sense of perspective: It is not about ignoring racism but rather not attributing racist intent without any real understanding as to the context ie descriptive or otherwise.

That is in my opinion is equally inappropriate and unfair to a child who is still mastering language skills.

The school have dealt with the incident. I would not expect an apology from the parent of any child whom was racist towards my child. (my child is dual heritage). I think you want more than you should expect. Attention seeker.

I don't see why you expect the parent to talk to you tbh; the school has dealt with it. I would feel quite irritated if you were there trying to catch my eye about it

Can you imagine the school playground if the parents got involved with every altercation between the kids? It would be a war zone.

If my child had made a comment like that I would have felt bad enough to apologise to the parent on my child's behalf as I would hate for there to be hard feelings because my child caused offense.

Maybe I'm crazy.

Damsel I'd think you were crazy. Your apology would therefore be about your reputation at the school nt my child's feelings. I'd tell you where to stick it! School policy and the law is enough to make sure, people keep their racist opinions to themselves, in some cases.

i said i would apologise as well, in the same way that if my child hurts another by accident or is just mean as children can be sometimes i will apologise, it seems polite to me! and it sets a good example to the children and shows that the behaviour was not ok and wont be tolerated surely?

Damsel resorting to name calling means you know I am right.

The child's apology is enough. Anything else is about your reputation with other adults at the school and you both know it.

OP what does the child's mother think about it? Or does dn live with you?

I think the parent was probably embarrassed. In those situations I would prefer to speak to my children alone and not in the scrutiny of other people....some folk are shy by nature and that may be why she didn't apologise. It's a good time for the school to discuss race though. But it's definitely down to parents to educate children in matters like this and I hope it won't happen again.

I think what we need to remember here is that the kids are 5yrs old and therefore very innocent.

We as adults know the misery, death, wars, riots, slavery and everything else that racism has caused. We also know about hate crimes, employment laws etc etc...

Children know none of that when they're 5 (well most of them don't) and therefore IMO calling another child 'black face', will be no different to calling them a non racist name.

It's generally name calling and not racism. It's not nice and the school and parents need to stop their children from doing it, but they also need to look at these things through the eyes of the children involved and not through the eyes of adults.

Very childish. Damsel

Where does it say the child apologised?