WWYD 5yr old 'racist' comment

[lola88]

When i picked my niece up from school on thursday the teacher told my there had been an incident with a little boy calling her a 'black face' she is mixed race. I was totally shocked she has never had any sort of racist comments before so was new for me to deal with tho i'm sure it won't be the last. The teacher spoke to the boys mum and DN seems fine about it to her it's just like being called any other name.

The thing thats annoying me is the boys mum i have spoke to her a couple of times and see her around a lot, but she's not said a word about it. If i was in her shoes i would want to say something but she has totally ignored me giving me cold looks if i catch her eye. I don't get it i tried to give her a 'kids will be kids' smile when it happened she just stalked off past me.

I don't know how to say this without sounding dramatic but i'm worried she's not said anything because maybe she herself has a problem with racism friends i've spoke to have suggested it saying he must have picked it up at home but i don't know.

WWYD if your child said that and you sort of knew the other childs parent/aunt? I'm so worried that if she's not dealing with it it could turn nasty for DN

Op - I don't know whether the mum may just be embarrassed. I was called ginger nut by a boy when I was about 7 and I called him chocolate face. I wasn't being racist, I was being a kid who didn't even know what racism was. My parents were called up the school

I'd say from a 5 year old it could be innocent - but in that case it's a great shame that the mother hasn't returned your friendliness and talked with you about it.

Or it could be that he is being brought up in a somewhat racist family, in which case it will be difficult to make much progress IMHO. But we can all try by not ignoring any racist or possibly racist behaviour.

I do remember my DS (at about this age) pointing out a friend of his to me, on the other side of the playground. He said it's that "yellow boy" over there Mummy - I thought OK- turned out he had a yellow coat on

• Just mention story to say that at 5 colours figure quite large in children's thought processes/ descriptions.

(Also I do find it amusing in observational humour sort of way )

Gosh, I didn't mean to kick anything off by saying the OPs DN was mixed race, rather than black. I was just going on the information given in the OP and not trying to make any sort of point. If anything I thought I would be flamed for not being accurate if I did not correct it. I did not mean to offend anyone, I really didn't.

I think the subsequent discussion illustrates though how difficult the whole race thing is - some people identify one way, some people another but unless we know for certain (and to ask is to risk causing offence), we should not presume to label anyone either way. That is sensible I think and what I will be trying to teach my son as he gets bigger (pre-verbal atm).

Just a quick question - my DS is White but has been mistaken as mixed race several times since his birth, even by people who are mixed race themselves. I am very olive skinned and he is darker than me - he is a lovely colour and I am quite jealous to be honest. It must just be a quirk of genetics, either that or there is some ancestry that I'm unaware of (very possible). As he grows and gets more questions from children and adults alike I wonder how to deal with them, and how to teach him to deal with them? Any suggestions gratefully received.

Just to be clear, I have no problem with people thinking he is mixed race - but as far as I am aware he isn't, so how to say so without sounding like I'm being defensive?

I think everything will be so much easier for everyone when we're all a lovely mixed shade and distinctions are impossible. Hopefully it won't be too many years down the line!

Maybe try to embrace the idea that we're all mixed race Snowboarder - and we can't know our ancestry entirely. Especially as you seem quite happy with the idea of there being ancestry you're unaware of. Great that you say "it will be so much easier for everyone when we're all a lovely mixed shade" - I'd just go with that idea as much as you can in guiding and raising your ds TBH - and also maybe educating all those around you at the same time. Just keep it light and positive I'd suggest. HTH

Snowb: DH & I also have a DS who is noticeably darker than either of us or other siblings. Weird!? But then we have DD who is noticeably fairer than either of us, too.
Fascinating quirks of genetic concentration.

Sorry for the no answers i've been out all day i'll try to answer some questions

The school have a letter from my sister to say i deal with all school/education. I know the school told his mum because the teacher called her over in the play ground and DN told me it was xxx who called me a black face. I don't know if the school have resolved it as my mum took her friday i'll speak to them monday. I take DN to and from school almost every day unless like friday DS is ill or i have an app so the woman wouldn't know to speak to her mum.

I think he said it in a nasty way but i don't think it was in a racist way that was the schools wording.

I expected her to say something for 2 reasons 1 it's a tiny school and everyone knows everyone if anything happens the mums tend to do the 'oh my gosh i'm so sorry' 'oh no don't worry' bla bla bla and 2 Her son is very over weight if DN called him fatty it would be accurate but i would still be mortified and go say sorry about that i'll deal with it it won't happen again.

I think She might be annoyed that she was pulled over infront of everyone and thats why she's suddenly ignoring me i seen her today at the shops usually we would smile and say hi but she just stalked walked by.

I didn't jump to the whole family being racist it was a couple of friends who suggested it (friends who don't know her and live on the other side of the city i wouldn't discuss it with anyone who knows her) and i got me thinking is it possible? as i said i don't know.

I think thats it.

DH and I were sat with our girls (2.5yrs) and one DD randomly piped up 'I don't like blacks'. DH and I were in tears of laughter. I'm mixed race, her grandad is mixed race, she is mixed race. Kids say silly things all of the time. Admittedly, she is 2.5 yrs younger than this boy but kids are kids and say things without thinking a lot of the time.

So the school knows you are to deal with issues, but does she? Would she speak to someone who isn't the mother?
So your friends don't know her? So their opinion is based on?

I have to be honest here and say I have not read through the whole thread, OP, just your posting - so apologies if I am repeating what others have already said.

Here are my thoughts:

"maybe" the other my hasn't been informed of the comments - hence her seemingly coolness towards you

Kids will be kids and sometimes they just say things how they are without any malicious intent

Rather than taking other peoples views on board, I would be inclined to get to know the other parent myself and seeing for myself what views she may have - maybe arrange a few play dates so that you can see for yourself the interaction between the children

I would do all these things before labelling a 5 year old a racist.

But that's just me.

It really depends on the way it was siad my ds was called a black face

But ..... The child in question flew up into ds face nose to nose shouted you black face he was so full of fury the teacher siad the other boy was trembling

Its not what people say its how they say it

Amberleaf

'Mixed race is black you know!

You WHAT? Are you having a bloody laugh? I'm mixed race and I'm not black. Possibly because there are other so called 'colours' rather than just black and white.

God - as an old mixed race / multi faith british woman this sort of comment makes me worried for the UK.

I'M MIXED RACE. My son is also mixed race as he's a part of me and his df is another part of europe. He looks white and physically is but to say he's not mixed race would deny him his mother, his father, this granparents - good bloody grief.

OP - it sounds to me that you're trying to do your best for your dn. That's lovely.
From what you're saying she didn't get the insult at the time and that's good. Now's the time to get her to be proud of her backgrounds and to have a self esteem based on this.

This sounds like a horrid situation and it must be difficult to deal with. It does sound like the school trying as they have told you what has happened.

This other mum - she might be contrite. Gotta say that if my son was accused of racism I would feel like shite but not want to apologise as I'd know my ds wouldn't have got it from home. Fact.

It's a minefield - honestly ds was invited to a party from a child in another class. We went - everyone from the other class was early and the kids were greeting each other according to ethncity. It made me uncomfortable and thankfully ds didn't join in. More of interest was that the parents seemed to be all good friends and were not bothered in the slightest. My jaw would have been on the floor but it wasn' as they clearly had their own dynamics. Now - my son could picked up some real shit at that place and I would have had no control over his words in a school setting if I were not there.

It's so hard. I've never said a thing to ds about differences as I've never had to in the in context of his family, but I have no control over what he's picking up from friends at school - and believe me - it's a very pc mullitcultural school. So if they picked my ds up on any racism I'd personally throw it right back in their face and some and demand my ds be protected from people who teach him shit.

OP you sound so concerned to do the right thing for your niece and I hope you et the right responses from the school. The other mother - who knows - really, who knows - she might be so mortified that she's doing a cat bum face. No idea.

Just protect your dn.

Giveitago

Maybe re read my posts

I have said more than once that lots of but not all mixed race people choose to identify as black-you don't which is your choice.

So no I'm not 'having a laugh'

Personally I could raise a chuckle at a person who identifies as mixed race stating they aare not black! But there you vgo, each to their own.

I dread going on holiday with my mixed raced child full of possible close minded Brits in Spain

AmberLeaf its not how you see yourself but how others see you

Rasicts and bigots that dont care than one half of your parentage is white

Take obma he is know as a BLACK man end of they tried to roll out his white mum to pick up votes from some hicks in texas who werent convinced but basicallly is is considred black and so will Giveitago

If she cuts some one up in traffic they will yell bloody black ,.......
If he children so somthing naughty at school the teachers will talk about the naughty black boy

Mixed raced wont come into it

And when raiscts are talking about n....rs and w.gs they wont care that one of her parents are white

I am black btw with a wite oh

Oh and her "mixed raced son" with be 37 times more likey to be stoped and serched just like Any black boy who she tries to distance her self from people see the colour not the shade.

Amber

"I have said more than once that lots of but not all mixed race people choose to identify as black-you don't which is your choice"

I am mixed race but CANNOT CHOOSE to call myself black because I don't have a black background whatsoever - I have an asian one.

So it's NOT my choice - it's a fact - a real fact that anyone can see when you see my family.

Good grief - I'm getting very frustrated here. I have never in my 44 years come across this.

giveitago sorry my bad he is then 10 times more likey to be stopped and serched like any asian boy

Sorry but unless one who is mixed raced looks white in every way and its virualy un detectable like jade godding or dane bowers people will see you as either black or asain and really wont care that one half is white

Mixed raced people may see themselves as mixed but majorty of public see the colour and see an asian or black child

I am agreeing with MrBo on this one.

No one is going to check themselves with a 'yeah but his mums white innit' before giving my sons a kicking for being N**s.

Bojangles - what is this 'bad' thing?

Who is jade godding or dane bowers? Who on earth are you talking about?

I hope you are NOT saying you have to be identifiable as mixed race or a minority group to really undersstand what it is to be of a minority group?

Yep mrbojangles that's exactly what I've been saying all along! Its how society sees you- ie mixed race = black.

I am mixed race but CANNOT CHOOSE to call myself black because I don't have a black background whatsoever - I have an asian one

Given the very clear context of this thread your background is not the kind that is being discussed!

No of course not. I can see that clearly.

Jade Goody looked white. She could 'pass'. Thefore she wouldnt be seen as black because of her mixed heritage.

For the majority of mixed race peple they seen as black. They are also seen as mixed race but that doesnt meant they are no longer seen as black.

giveitago i dont really understand what you are saying granted your not mixed black and white you and mixed with asian unless the mix of asian is very week and you look virtualy white as some mix raced people do you will be in the main seen as asian

If you doubut this you are living in la la land