To want our new flat to ourselves for a while?

[Staceisace]

My DP and I are moving into a new place in a fortnight or so. We've already lived together for over a year but we've just graduated from university and everything's a bit up in the air for us right now as we need to make some decisions about our careers and future (aiming to get full time jobs, save money, get married, buy flat/house...fingers crossed!)

DP's parents know someone who has a flat in our city and that's where we're moving to. I'm not 100% behind the arrangement but couldn't find anywhere else so it'll have to do. The flat is around the same size as our current place which is a one bed but the new place has two bedrooms and an en suite in one of the bedrooms. Overall floorspace is about the same and storage is at a minimum in the new place so most of our big items (suitcases, cat carrier, general crap to be hidden away) will probably end up in the spare room/study.

Initially DP's parents offered to help us move with their van. Now they've decided not to bring their van down but rather their small car which isn't exactly helpful and I don't understand why they've decided to do this - they bring their van down here all the time! A friend with a larger car has already offered their help.

DP's mum is acting like a bit of a go-between regarding the flat and has now also told us it'll be up to us to clean the flat since the old tenants left (not the landlord as expected ...even though the landlord says she is going to). I kind of wish she would leave things alone - DP contacts landlord and it's much easier that way as they both know each other but still want a professional-ish relationship whereas DP's mum just wants to make her friend's life easier. So now we have less help to move and a load of extra cleaning to do. I could handle that but the real kicker is...

DP's parents have earmarked the gloriously tiny spare bedroom as theirs and have set out a series of dates over the coming summer when they plan to stay. They're also delighted that the flat comes with a parking space (we don't have a car). I was okay with them staying as a thank you for helping us move but now I'm a bit :/ about it. We're spending the summer looking for/starting new full time jobs and I probably won't have the time to have the flat ready for them and to entertain them whilst they're here. They're not overly demanding but they always have to have everything 'just so' and I don't think we're capable of providing that right now. The flat is so small we'd be tripping over them and I'm worried about other things like them letting the cat out etc. I'd have preferred it if we could have settled in and then invited them down for a weekend or something when we felt ready to have guests, you know? We were even thinking of inviting them and DP's sister for Christmas because we can't leave the cat but it'd be nice to spend the day with family. We figured that the whole 'being a bit cosy' in the small flat wouldn't be such an issue during the festive period (besides, the Christmas tree would be one less piece of junk in the spare room!)

I'm so used to my parents being really hands off that it's a little overbearing for me. My DP finds it a bit too much as well right now - it's getting to the point where they're calling every day about this flipping flat! Before now they'd phone every Sunday usually and visit maybe once every two or three months just for the day.

I'm being an idiot, aren't I?

get your dp to tell his parents it is too much.

How does he say that without hurting their feelings?

I was thinking we should say something along the lines of 'we're sorting out all the flat stuff with the landlord from now on but thanks for your help up until now'? Not specific enough?

And can we possibly tell them they they need to ask before making plans to stay with us? Or does that make us sound really arsey? I've already mentioned a couple of times that the spare room will mostly be for storage/the computer rather than guests.

Can you get a different flat? She is really running a steamroller over you. Who made her the boss? Your husband could say: Mom, stop. This is our flat, we make the decisions, you wait to get invited, and let us handle everything with landlord.
You could set up the second room as an office, storage shelves, and no bed.

I second the office idea, unless you are planning a nursery very very soon, which it doesn't sound like. Definitely an office in the "spare" room,which obviously isn't the en suite room, because that's your only bedroom. And get your DP to sort this out, or this will be your life from the day you move in.

You need to make a stand. He needs to be firm, or she will ignore it. Personally I would get another flat. But if that's not an option he could say 'i spoke to the landlord and we decided it would be easier if we deal direct.' and about the staying ' those dates are good for us. Let us settle in and we will let you know.' its not nasty but making clear what you want.
Does your do agree with you or is he happy with the way she does things?

Find a different flat - this doesn't sound worth the candle.

YY to the office. They are making waay to many assumptions. And don't apologise about it being an office and them having nowhere to sleep if they want to visit, as before long you'll be on the couch and they'll be in your room...

Remember the MN mantra's
No is a complete sentence
and if that doesn't work
F the F off to the far side of f, and when you get there f off some more.

Don't have a bed in the spare room-or make sure it is a VERY small and uncomfortable one :o

It's sounds like she's thinking of it as the "family" flat as she's helped with arranging it all. Deffo needs nipped in the bud or it will fester. Can your DP speak to his dad and ask him to get her to back off?

I'd get a different flat. They obviously envisage this flat as a crash pad for themselves. The 'deal' seems to be they do all the 'arranging' (interfering) and so will try to claim some sort of dibs on the place.

Don't touch it with a bargepole is my advice.

I agree with using the spare room as an office. Explain it to DP's parents that it makes more practical sense to do this rather than dedicate it to a bedroom that won't be used all the time. Fill it full of stuff that you haven't got room for anywhere else.

About the van, are they supposed to be helping you move stuff? If so why can't DP say that the car just won't be practical?

Yes I think it's fine to deal with the landlord directly and inform DP's parents that is what you will be doing from now on. If they question it, the contract is between you both and the landlord only, unless his mum is paying your rent herself.

When they come to visit should be up to you and DP and when you are both ready. He could point out that you are both very busy settling in and the place will not be as you want it for a long while. So they risk being uncomfortable. You could suggest which of their proffered dates is likely to be better for you, and make sure that you are both at home during this visit so that you can monitor what they do e.g. like waiting until you're out and rearranging the furniture and all the contents of the kitchen cupboards. I suggest you do this before you get jobs as taking leave soon after starting might not be possible. I think that letting them visit while everything is in disarray would be a good plan, so that you can say "we told you there was no room for a bed and all our stuff in the spare room, sorry, but you wanted to come as soon as, and we are simply not ready." Hopefully people who like things just so won't stay long!

Just thought of something, is the en suite bathroom the only one in the flat, meaning you'll all have to share it? How will that work if one of the parents has to use it in the night, and parades through your room to access it? Will you all find that acceptable? Another thing, you will all be living in the same city, why do they need to stay overnight at all?

Learn how to say NO.

Could the landlord emphasise that the contract and anything to do with it are between her and her clients alone if she tries to interfere?

what I have learnt to do after years of experience with DHs parents who are well meaning but go on and on about detail and like to arrange everything so well in advance (slightly different to you but similarily annoying) is:

1. take a deep breath
2. accept that they are DPs parents and this is sadly the crap that comes with him and you will have to accept it to a degree to keep the peace - don't make enemies of them
3. say to MIL firmly but with a big smile on your face that from now on she needs to deal with DP in all issues related to the flat as you're to busy with something else.
4. distance yourself

I still get bombarded with all the crap about what I should buy SILs DD for her birthday, what I want for tea in 5 sunday's time when I may be coming to visit, what page no. of the Argos catalogue the boys xmas pressies should come from (IN JULY) but I am now batting it all back - speak to your DS - I'm too busy....and then I breathe.

Accepting family favours can lead to a snowball effect of unwanted consequences - I know if I ask my mum to do a tiny thing like pick up a form for me or perhaps buy something (a small item, tea bags for example) I can't get where I live (we live overseas) and post it out to me, it becomes a huge drama, which will inexplicably involve a disproportionate number of phone calls, the most bizzare questions, stories about how the small task actually turned out to be a mammoth operation, and how she had to discuss what I might actually need with her friend Margret and the-lady-who-lives-over-the-road-from-that-man-with-the-Great-Dane ... and her ultimately sending me something that isn't actually what I asked for, but she thinks would be better... and then calling me multiple times for confirmation that the provided form/ item is in fact far superior to whatever I asked for / needed, and to follow up on whether I have enjoyed my cups of Rubok when I asked for Yorkshire tea... or whatever. Now I just use the internet or manage without and have stopped asking her for anything!

So I second the people who say pull out and take another (1 bed with a dedicated office not a spare room :o ) flat.

^"I'm being an idiot, aren't I?"
No you're not.

"Mom, stop. This is our flat, we make the decisions, you wait to get invited, and let us handle everything with landlord."
That looks pretty good to me. It shouldn't fall to you, they are HIS parents and he needs to deal with it. If he's not willing (and he should be, he's an adult), then I would consider looking for another flat; because if she is not challenged now she will continue in this vein FOREVER. As for bringing their car and not the van - perhaps "So are you not helping us to move then?" or words to that effect.

Oh Because - your mum is my MIL all over. It's amazing how people can live in such small worlds.

I feel for you OP.

I could imagine nothing worse than an interfering future MIL. I've just graduated also and know the difficulty in finding a flat, let alone the £1000+ for the initial cost, when you have only just finished Uni and don't have a job. For that reason alone I know that turning down the flat wouldn't be an option.

My advice would be to get your DP to talk to his Mum. Get him to tell her that, although you are glad for their help, you are moving from 'somewhat dependant' (as in still getting a lot of help from your parents both financially and emotionally and getting a lot of financials relief as a student) to 'adults' and would like to deal directly with the Landlord to establish a business like relationship to make it easier for all involved.

Further tell her are trying to make a home together and find jobs and it would be easier for you both to do this alone. You are likely to argue about petty things and it will be better for your relationship and it's longevity if you can do this with out inhibition because they are there. Point out that you don't mind them visiting occasionally, very occasionally, when you are settled and have jobs etc but you will invite them up on your terms, for a fixed period, when it is convenient for you.

TBH, she is only trying to help her 'child' but she needs to learn that he is an almost married man and she needs to detach herself.

Good Luck

I looked for another flat, believe me, I tried SO hard to find somewhere else which was two bedroomed and it was just impossible. I'm okay with living in that flat (as I said we lived there before for a while one summer so I know it's not terrible) on the condition that we deal directly with the landlord. We're going to have to make that clear to her. DP agrees with me completely as it's him who she talks to, not me, so it's frustrating for him.

We are planning on using the spare room as a study/storage space but we want to keep the bed in there as my family are from Northern Ireland so when they visit it'd be nice to have them stay - only if DP is alright with the dates and they'd never arrive uninvited and it would only ever be for one or two nights tops. DP is fine with that - my mum's stayed a couple of nights in our current flat and slept on the sofa (she went out partying and came home at 4am...I'm totally more like the parent in our relationship). The room is basically there for us to use the computer in on a day to day basis and for the occasional guest to stay.

Ironically his parents are not paying DP's rent on this flat. They paid him through university (their incomes were too large for him to get student loans) which he wholeheartedly appreciates and would have happily let them stay in any flat they'd essentially been paying for but now that they're not paying, they immediately want to stay. It's weird! Obviously I pay half.

We live in different cities - they live about a two and a half hour drive away. The dates they've decided they're staying are dates when they've booked tickets to go to shows or concerts etc. which they do anyway and normally either drive home late or stay in a hotel. As their van is a camper van maybe I'll just tell them to bring that and stay outside in our fabulous parking space! I've said to a friend that she can use the space whenever she likes (she lives in a different part of the city and we're very central) and when I mentioned that to his mum she was a bit like 'oh...I hope your friend isn't using it when we need it'...haha!

We have an en suite and a bathroom so that won't be an issue but our bigger bathroom will have the cat's litter box in it because it's the best place we can put it so I'm not sure how they'll feel about that.

Oh lollystix...that sounds JUST like DP's parents. They texted yesterday to say his mum wants an elegant clock for her birthday...wtf is an elegant clock!?

TBH, based on your last post, you sound massively ungrateful, they paid his way all through uni and now you want them to get lost??

I think asking them to stay in camper is a great idea, but why wouldnt they take presidence over a friend if all they need is a parking space?

I don't think paying your child's way through University entitles you to gatecrash on his adult life with his partner whenever you feel like it

Presumably it was their choice to pay for him to go to University? And not dependent on some kind of payback in later life (assume the OP would have explained this if it was the case).

I think it's fine for them to ask to stay when they want to, as long as they understand that it may not always be convenient. It is not ok to just tell the OP and her DP the dates they will be living there.

right, so when the OP and partner dont find full time jobs, they wont be looking for bail outs?? Or accepting them if offered.

I think the OP is well within her rights to say no, but it does read like, whats fine for my family and I dont see the harm in parking on the drive.

Halama. Its like you're reading a different thread.