To want our new flat to ourselves for a while?

[Staceisace]

My DP and I are moving into a new place in a fortnight or so. We've already lived together for over a year but we've just graduated from university and everything's a bit up in the air for us right now as we need to make some decisions about our careers and future (aiming to get full time jobs, save money, get married, buy flat/house...fingers crossed!)

DP's parents know someone who has a flat in our city and that's where we're moving to. I'm not 100% behind the arrangement but couldn't find anywhere else so it'll have to do. The flat is around the same size as our current place which is a one bed but the new place has two bedrooms and an en suite in one of the bedrooms. Overall floorspace is about the same and storage is at a minimum in the new place so most of our big items (suitcases, cat carrier, general crap to be hidden away) will probably end up in the spare room/study.

Initially DP's parents offered to help us move with their van. Now they've decided not to bring their van down but rather their small car which isn't exactly helpful and I don't understand why they've decided to do this - they bring their van down here all the time! A friend with a larger car has already offered their help.

DP's mum is acting like a bit of a go-between regarding the flat and has now also told us it'll be up to us to clean the flat since the old tenants left (not the landlord as expected ...even though the landlord says she is going to). I kind of wish she would leave things alone - DP contacts landlord and it's much easier that way as they both know each other but still want a professional-ish relationship whereas DP's mum just wants to make her friend's life easier. So now we have less help to move and a load of extra cleaning to do. I could handle that but the real kicker is...

DP's parents have earmarked the gloriously tiny spare bedroom as theirs and have set out a series of dates over the coming summer when they plan to stay. They're also delighted that the flat comes with a parking space (we don't have a car). I was okay with them staying as a thank you for helping us move but now I'm a bit :/ about it. We're spending the summer looking for/starting new full time jobs and I probably won't have the time to have the flat ready for them and to entertain them whilst they're here. They're not overly demanding but they always have to have everything 'just so' and I don't think we're capable of providing that right now. The flat is so small we'd be tripping over them and I'm worried about other things like them letting the cat out etc. I'd have preferred it if we could have settled in and then invited them down for a weekend or something when we felt ready to have guests, you know? We were even thinking of inviting them and DP's sister for Christmas because we can't leave the cat but it'd be nice to spend the day with family. We figured that the whole 'being a bit cosy' in the small flat wouldn't be such an issue during the festive period (besides, the Christmas tree would be one less piece of junk in the spare room!)

I'm so used to my parents being really hands off that it's a little overbearing for me. My DP finds it a bit too much as well right now - it's getting to the point where they're calling every day about this flipping flat! Before now they'd phone every Sunday usually and visit maybe once every two or three months just for the day.

I'm being an idiot, aren't I?

Still that's not bad for a second bedroom.

I'll say it again; nowhere does the OP say she never wants to 'give anything back' e.g. have her DP's parents to stay. She just doesn't like the fact that they have announced when they'll be coming rather than checking with her and her DP first if it's convenient.

I also come from a family who help each other out. We all say to each other 'You're welcome any time' (and mean it). But nonetheless, if I want to stay with someone overnight, or they want to stay with me, we ask first.

"My parents paid a good portion of my housing bills when I was a student, and I always shared with others, so I guess that means they subsidised them all. I obviously need to get in touch with them all now and make sure that they know 'how lucky they were' and how much gratitude they owe my parents."

Just cal them up and tell them your parents will be arriving on the 6 o'clock train for the weekend. :o

They owe them free accommodation on demand, after all.

Oh my lord, I've just got through with reading the last few pages and I think a lot of you have completely got this situation wrong!

We are taking the flat because the landlord has been trying to sell it but has been unable to get a price she wants for it so it would either sit empty with her having to pay the mortgage or we move in and stay until she sells the place/we move out, whichever comes first. Her son previously lived in the flat and two of his friends lived there this year. She has never let the flat to anyone she doesn't know because she's not comfortable with that. We are paying the same level of rent as the previous tenants so she's not doing us a favour with regard to that. She didn't ask for references but if she needed them we could have provided them. I was given a fortnight to find another suitable flat (which has long passed) and wasn't able to find anything similar to the one we're taking (DP has a part in this decision too, you know, it's not all up to me!) We looked at a few that were a similar size but cheaper and not in very nice areas. We are sacrificing having a landlord that is experienced with contacts in case things go wrong (e.g. the boiler breaks) and because the landlord is a family friend she's asked that we pay for any repairs to the flat not caused my us and then send her the bill which is not what I've had to do in previous flats but I understand that she lives quite far away and probably doesn't expect anything to go wrong in the flat.

Anyone who thinks we are mooching with regard to the flat has it all wrong, it's a mutually beneficial agreement - the owner gets what she wants and we have somewhere to live that will do for now. We are paying the rent and all other expenses ourselves, as I've been doing for the past four years. I've never once asked DP's parents for anything and have no financial expectations of them in the future whatsoever. I will say it again, it's okay for them to stay, I'd just have preferred to have been asked first and would have preferred if they waited until we were settled in. When they've stayed here before they've been in B&Bs booked for a specific number of days but when they talk about staying with us they just say 'for a few days' which could mean anything. If anyone in my family asked to come and stay this summer I'd tell them it didn't suit because we are job hunting.

The main reason this whole situation concerns me and DP is that we want to maintain a positive relationship with his parents because they're great people and I appreciate that he has a relationship with his family that I unfortunately don't with mine (except possibly my grandparents). I don't want to feel any resentment towards them so when I feel they're overstepping the mark I'd rather be able to say something now that wait several years and let things fester, as they do in many families.

Sheesh.

" I would assume she was staying with me, ditto to other family and friends. Thats because we come from a family who help each other out."

Presumably it's also because nobody else ever stays with you.

Or else you'd have to make sure there was going to be space.

"The message I get is loud and clear, "thanks mum and dad for paying for me, supporting me and being really generous, now I can help you out every now and then, fuck off".

You think the OP should call these people Mum and Dad because they paid for her boyfriend's college accommodation?

The bitching about the normal size of Scottish tenement flats is pretty hilarious.

Just because people in London live in tiny shitholes doesn't mean people elsewhere should too.

AThing, well, I had several flatmates over my uni career so I suppose I'd need to send my mum to one person, my dad to another ... maybe I'll send my sister to stay with another? And a nephew to someone else? And deploy a couple of cousins ...?

Thanks for coming back on and clarifying, Stace. I'm sorry you've been getting so much flak on this thread.

That's what I thought you meant; but I don't really understand why you couldn't tolerate them for an agreed length of time (more than two nights would be a bit much in my book). Presumably they're fond of you both. Why does job-hunting preclude having family round? i'd be more welcoming but I know other people who just need their personal space a bit more and I guess that's where you're coming from.

I do think DP should explain very politely if it becomes a problem but don't go jumping the gun, I really would give it a few weeks/visits before saying anything and try to get your point across as subtly as poss.

"because the landlord is a family friend she's asked that we pay for any repairs to the flat not caused my us and then send her the bill which is not what I've had to do in previous flats but I understand that she lives quite far away and probably doesn't expect anything to go wrong in the flat."

Christ, I'd want a pretty big discount to sign up to paying for repairs to her flat upfront.

If my parents say they are coming over to stay on x and y date because they have a concert in my town, I would say great, look forward to seeing you then. Wouldn't cross my mind that they are imposing or crossing boundaries. This is because we are close.

I would imagine that DP's parents are doing the same because they think they have a close-knit family who help each other, without formality. OP doesn't have the same relationship with her parents, fine...but why is she trying to impose her family norms on DP and family? If DP has issues, he can tell his parents himself, no?

Anyway, from the last post I am confused about who is helping whom. It seems that OP is actually doing mil's friend a favour by moving into the flat. And that DP is doing his parents a favour by taking money he doesn't need (hint: you can return the money you know, or use it to put your pil up in a really fancy hotel when they come over)

And with regard to 'not giving back' to his parents - we do anything they ask of us. They want us to buy something for them they can't get at home and post it up, we do it. They want us to take care of their dog at our flat when they're at a show/event in our city, we do it. They send specific descriptions of what they want us to buy them for Christmas/birthdays and we get them exactly what they want. When they come down to visit for the day I spend hours cleaning the flat (DP's dad has allergies to cats so I try to make sure I've hoovered really, really well) from top to bottom prior to their arrival which is something I don't do for my own family. I make sure we have the sort of tea they like and some cakes if they want them, I always offer lunch or dinner if they want it. We've spent hours researching phone contracts for his mum and DP is always available to run across the road to help his sister when her laptop breaks. I could continue. We are not ungrateful or horrible in any way to these people! If anything, DP makes less effort when they come to visit than I do and if they've asked him to do something, I'm always hounding him to do it quickly.

A) I was referring to the BF in my mum and dad quote as it was the BF they were giving money to. Clearly I do not expect the
B) I regularily and have since I had my own flat at the age of 18 have people to stay - usual quote is "floor space av.".

I think cureall is right - do you really need so much time for "settling in"?

A couple of visits for some shows they have booked won't hurt.

You really need to sort out the relationship with your landlord as a matter of urgency.

See how it goes with the announced visits - it might be that they're just getting in quickly when they know you won't have plans yet and will be less presumptuous on future occasions.

Athinginyourlife The bitching about the normal size of Scottish tenement flats is pretty hilarious. Just because people in London live in tiny shitholes doesn't mean people elsewhere should too.

No one was bitching! I just disagree with what is considered small.

And seriously, that second sentence is inaccurate, ignorant and extremely offensive!

I would never dream of making such a nasty sweeping statement about Scotland so how dare you about London!

flatbread And that DP is doing his parents a favour by taking money he doesn't need (hint: you can return the money you know, or use it to put your pil up in a really fancy hotel when they come over)

You've got issues about money.

It sounds as though your PIL have just got a bit over-excited and forgotten that this is not their home.

Could your dh try something like this -
Mum, you need to give us some space. I'm grown-up and I'm making a home of my own with Stace.
Please let us make our own arrangements with the landlord - I know you mean well, but you're making things difficult for us.
That list of dates you gave us - it made me feel like I'm running a hotel. But we would love to have you to stay for a weekend. Once we've settled in, we'll arrange a date that's convenient for us all".

They may be a bit offended but if they're good people, they'll get over it. The alternative is to let them walk all over you, get yourself really festeringly resentful, and eventually explode. That would offend them.

"When they come down to visit for the day I spend hours cleaning the flat (DP's dad has allergies to cats so I try to make sure I've hoovered really, really well) from top to bottom prior to their arrival which is something I don't do for my own family. I make sure we have the sort of tea they like and some cakes if they want them, I always offer lunch or dinner if they want it."

Why are you doing all this for his parents?

Here's a hint: don't be the person who does all the housework.

You are young, unmarried, childless, and independent.

Hoovering the flat and sorting out the food is not your job.

Don't get into bad wifey habits now, particularly if you plan to be this man's wife eventually.

I'm sure he can take charge of preparing his home when his parents visit him.

I'm not trying to impose my 'family norms' (which you know bugger all about, actually!) on his, I love the fact he has a normal family. I wouldn't describe them as close-knit, though.

And yes, we probably are doing the landlord a favour but I guess that still makes us hideous people for wanting our own space for a few weeks?

I know his parents being there shouldn't interfere with job-hunting but when they come down it's like they're on 'holiday' so we have to go out places with them and cater to their needs (which is FINE if I have the time to do so). I'd prefer to be in a position where I could spend the weekend doing this than having to rush about panicking about interviews and application forms. I get quite stressed out in situations like that and get awful migraines as a result, I'd really prefer for them not to see me like that.

We want to set some respectful boundaries. End of thread. Thanks to everyone for your constructive advice.

Oh and new flat is not a tenement - it's a modern flat, hence why it's smaller.

Athinginyourlife

Do feel free to rush back and apologise for your nasty London shithole comment.

Poo, no I don't have an issue with money. We are well off, touch wood, but even when I was a poor student and my dsis was a rich investment banker, I was very careful not to take too much. She wanted to give me money, expensive holidays and business class tickets, but I said no to it all. Saved all semester by working two jobs to be able to buy my own ticket, but I did let her treat me to her favourite restaurants (although I would choose the cheapest thing on the menu)

I am very grateful that she wanted to do for me, and she is always welcome in my home any time. She doesn't need to ask, she is family. I would do the same for any family member, but admit i would go the extra mile for my sister because she has wanted to do so much for me ( although i haven't taken anything, but a few meals). I am a bit shocked that anyone would be so uptight about family, especially if they have partaken of their generosity in the past.

I like Bertha's suggestion. I'd lift that and say it to them verbatim. Perfect and much more diplomatic than anything I could manage in that situation

Flatbread. I am the same. My brother has more spare money then me and has offered some to me but i declined. It wouldn't feel right to take it but i wouldn't think anything of offering it to him if i had it and he was in need.

:o

I'm not apologising for that. There was more than one post suggesting that the OP was a spoilt bitch for wanting anything bigger than a wardrobe because that's all young people in London can afford.

Athing.

No one called her a spoilt bitch.

No one said that she shouldn't have more then a wardrobe because that's all anyone in London can get.

Even if they did Im not sure why you think that excuses your comments anyway. If there were 200 posts saying she was spoilt would that make it ok for you to randomly start slagging off Londoners and the homes they live in.

I would never dream of making such a comment about the Scottish.

Go into a shared house instead of going for a flat then. Gives you a few months to get on your feet, work out where you want to live in the city and so on. I personally would not rent from somebody I knew, it's just asking for trouble!