To want our new flat to ourselves for a while?

[Staceisace]

My DP and I are moving into a new place in a fortnight or so. We've already lived together for over a year but we've just graduated from university and everything's a bit up in the air for us right now as we need to make some decisions about our careers and future (aiming to get full time jobs, save money, get married, buy flat/house...fingers crossed!)

DP's parents know someone who has a flat in our city and that's where we're moving to. I'm not 100% behind the arrangement but couldn't find anywhere else so it'll have to do. The flat is around the same size as our current place which is a one bed but the new place has two bedrooms and an en suite in one of the bedrooms. Overall floorspace is about the same and storage is at a minimum in the new place so most of our big items (suitcases, cat carrier, general crap to be hidden away) will probably end up in the spare room/study.

Initially DP's parents offered to help us move with their van. Now they've decided not to bring their van down but rather their small car which isn't exactly helpful and I don't understand why they've decided to do this - they bring their van down here all the time! A friend with a larger car has already offered their help.

DP's mum is acting like a bit of a go-between regarding the flat and has now also told us it'll be up to us to clean the flat since the old tenants left (not the landlord as expected ...even though the landlord says she is going to). I kind of wish she would leave things alone - DP contacts landlord and it's much easier that way as they both know each other but still want a professional-ish relationship whereas DP's mum just wants to make her friend's life easier. So now we have less help to move and a load of extra cleaning to do. I could handle that but the real kicker is...

DP's parents have earmarked the gloriously tiny spare bedroom as theirs and have set out a series of dates over the coming summer when they plan to stay. They're also delighted that the flat comes with a parking space (we don't have a car). I was okay with them staying as a thank you for helping us move but now I'm a bit :/ about it. We're spending the summer looking for/starting new full time jobs and I probably won't have the time to have the flat ready for them and to entertain them whilst they're here. They're not overly demanding but they always have to have everything 'just so' and I don't think we're capable of providing that right now. The flat is so small we'd be tripping over them and I'm worried about other things like them letting the cat out etc. I'd have preferred it if we could have settled in and then invited them down for a weekend or something when we felt ready to have guests, you know? We were even thinking of inviting them and DP's sister for Christmas because we can't leave the cat but it'd be nice to spend the day with family. We figured that the whole 'being a bit cosy' in the small flat wouldn't be such an issue during the festive period (besides, the Christmas tree would be one less piece of junk in the spare room!)

I'm so used to my parents being really hands off that it's a little overbearing for me. My DP finds it a bit too much as well right now - it's getting to the point where they're calling every day about this flipping flat! Before now they'd phone every Sunday usually and visit maybe once every two or three months just for the day.

I'm being an idiot, aren't I?

I said clear to me. Not clear to everyone.

My take was:

• The OP says that she can't find a two bedroom flat in the entire city

• I consider that highly implausible

• I strongly suspect that there are plenty of two bedroom flats in this city - as there are in most - but for some reason they are not suitable for the OP

• the most likely reason they are not suitable is, in my opinion, price. Having thought about it a bit more, perhaps they need references or deposit that the OP and her DP are unable to give. The latter is of course a financial issue

• therefore it seemed clear TO ME that they are getting this flat cheap.

They may not be of course. The landlady might be sick of paying agents fees only to have a bunch of skanks trash her nice flat, and so might be overjoyed at the thought of two nice graduates, one of whom is the child of good friends, renting her flat. But that does not explain why this flat, which the OP doesn't like very much, is the only two bed flat available in the whole of the city of wherever.

I agree with Balloonslayer, I also think the OP has been shielded from the financial realities of life, as the DPs parents have been subsidising their relationship for years, they have lived together as child/adults, while the DPs parents pay at least his share of their rent and expenses.

I didnt get a grant either, I had 3 jobs (at the same time) to pay my way through uni. The parents didnt have to subsidise him, they could have suggested he lived at home, he could have taken that option.

The parents are going to be out most of the time, they are at concerts etc.

They just want somewhere to sleep, never mind the attitude to the SIL.

The parents clearly lead active and independent lives.

Not many couples, without FT jobs, start out with 2 double bedrooms and an ensuite, nice for the OP that they can, but its clearly with the help of the parents. Who is paying months rent up front and bond? Or is that being waved.

I too get the impression the OP things its fine for her family and not his.

You both sound spoilt, entitled and ungrateful to me, and in part because you dont seem to realise, a spare room, large enough to take a double bed and a desk, is a lot more than a lot of young couples starting out have, its far from tiny, but the OP doesnt see that.

I think the OP cares more about her cat than her DPs parents, who appear to me have been a money tree for the last few years, to ungrateful children.

I wonder, when it proves to be hard to find FT jobs, who will be subsidising the DP??

They dont have the right to demand to stay, but I dont think they have, I think they already had things booked and saw a chance to save on hotel costs, and it hasnt occurred to them they woudlnt feel welcome.

For all any one knows they may think the OP would be offended if they stayed elsewhere, I wouldnt want my mum to stay in a hotel around the corner from my house, and begrudging them the parking space in favour of a friend, words fail me.

I for 1 would never ever begrudge my mother this, even if it meant I had to sleep on a sofa.

Selfish in the extreme. Thats how I read the OPs posts.

BecauseItsBedtime I am amazed at all the people who seem to think the OP's partner (and so automatically the OP too) have signed away all rights to personal space and to considering their home their own, on the basis the in-laws paid their own child's way through university! shock Are the people who are posting this all mums of young adults who are helping pay for their children's education on the basis that this gives them the right to eternal expressions of gratitude, including but not limited to being entitled to stay in those adult children's homes without invitation for the rest of their adult life? Personally I support my children on the basis that they are my children and I want to, I am not keeping score so they can pay me back in kind and express constant gratitude when they have their own resources, that sounds unhealthy to say the least, to me!

Very well put.

The only thing I expect back from my children for the education I have paid for (over and above free schooling) is that they make a good life for themselves. There is no need to repay or return the favour as such. I paid for their education so limit the amount I will need to help out financially for the rest of their lives. Fingers crossed.

All couples need personal space and a place that is their own, their own home. And younger couples especially don't need or want pushy parents running their lives and/or staking claim on their own personal space in the child's new home. Though it would be nice to make it known that there always will be a room should the parents need or want it, at the convenience of the children because they are now young adults.

Flatbread. I am extremely relieved not to be related to you to.

Seriously you should get help for your control issues.

Whatnamethistime I agree with Balloonslayer, I also think the OP has been shielded from the financial realities of life, as the DPs parents have been subsidising their relationship for years, they have lived together as child/adults, while the DPs parents pay at least his share of their rent and expenses.

Now you're just making stuff up! They haven't subsidized op for years!

I actually think OP sounds very nice and reasonable but is fearful that MIL will overstep boundaries if nothing is said and she does seem to view it as her 'pied a terre'. But give it time. I'd hope they are sensitive enough to respect this is your first home together and as such they have no rights to the place, only an expectation that you'll be hospitable and friendly on occasion which TBH seems reasonable, not because of the financial help they've given DP but because you get on well and will probably be related one day.

Damsel. I agree.

No I am not, the OP says they have been living together for a year, she also says they have been paying the DPs expenses through uni and they have just graduated.

Therefore the DPs parents have been subsidising their relationship. Its perfectly clear in the OPs posts, if you read them properly.

Who was paying the DPs rent the summer they lived in it before?? That would be his parents as part of his uni expenses.

'clear to you' = assumed by you. Not necessarily actually true.

The most entitled-sounding people in this scenario are DP's parents. It is one thing to hope/expect that you might be able to stay with your son and his girlfriend sometimes. It's quite another to earmark a room as yours and 'set out a series of dates over the coming summer when they plan to stay'.

"They paid him through university (their incomes were too large for him to get student loans) which he wholeheartedly appreciates and would have happily let them stay in any flat they'd essentially been paying for but now that they're not paying, they immediately want to stay"

Here is the part where it is clear they have been paying his rent while they live together.

" I also feel that if they think they can do this once or twice, they're just going to see our flat as their crash pad, as others mentioned."

Here is the part which suggest we are talking about rare visits.

"The next thing that's going to happen is when DP's sister is jobhunting here in this city - she's moving home (to live rent free, be fed and have free use of a car) but will be travelling down to go to interviews. How long until his parents start suggesting she stays with us 'since we have the room'?"

This is just downright appalling, my friends wouldnt think this if I had interviews, never mind my own family.

And the constant references to how small the flat is, I mean do me a favour!

I do agree with that LadyClarice And I started to advise that they just don't clear the junk out of the spare bedroom, and say helplessly that there is no room, because junk in the spare room is what the OP says is the problem in the opening post.

But then she says she will make room for a bed in there. For HER family to come to stay.

Oops when I say "I started to advise" I mean I thought I did but when I re-read my post it wasn't there . . . I must have changed my mind because of the "her family" issue.

'[OP's family] would never arrive uninvited'.

That's a crucial difference in attitude between the OP's family and her DP's. It may go a long way towards explaining her feelings of resentment towards DP's family.

Whatname, they have 'set out a series of dates' that they plan to stay on. That doesn't sound like 'rare visits'.

Ive quoted where OP says its once or twice herself.

"The next thing that's going to happen is when DP's sister is jobhunting here in this city - she's moving home (to live rent free, be fed and have free use of a car) but will be travelling down to go to interviews. How long until his parents start suggesting she stays with us 'since we have the room'?!"

Whatnamethistime, I read this a little differently from you, although it is ambiguous and can be read both ways equally. I read it as meaning that OP fears his mother will expect his sister to move into the flat with them once she has secured a job in the city, post-interview.

They are not arriving uninvited though. They are, however, inviting themselves which is another issue.

My sister lives abroad. Whenever she and her family come back to the UK she tells us she is coming, and when. I don't think she ever asks us if she can stay. She doesn't need to. We are all overjoyed to see them, and the person that gets to have them to stay is the most pleased of all. She could be seen as inviting herself to stay - it matters not a jot to any of us because we love her and miss her and are delighted to see her.

I am not saying that the OP should feel like that about her ILs. But maybe the ILs think that they are so close they don't have to ask?

So they have sorted out the flat for you that you could not sort out yourself and you now want to tell them to back off.

If you never want any assitance from them again please go ahead....

If you take from people I am afraid you must give of yourself in return.

whereyouleftit I read that is staying for a night or so before/after interviews.

where, yes I can see now it can be read both ways, although tbh, I wouldnt see a problem with asking to put SIL up if she got a job, just until she found somewhere, again, my friends wouldnt have an issue with this, never mind my family.

Whatname, she does say once or twice but she also says a series of dates. I guess only the OP can clarify which one is more true.

Balloon, I think inviting yourself is basically the same as arriving uninvited ...

Look at it this way, my friend lived in a studio flat with her BF, in London, they regularily let people sleep there on a put me up airbed - because they were glad to see them.

When a friend of hers moved down from away, she lived with them for 3 months, while she sorted herself out/found a flat/etc.

So personally, I think friends and family tend, in normal circumstances, to help each other out.

"I also think the OP has been shielded from the financial realities of life, as the DPs parents have been subsidising their relationship for years, they have lived together as child/adults, while the DPs parents pay at least his share of their rent and expenses."

They haven't been "subsidising" anyone's relationship.

They have been paying for their own son's education.

That does not create any subsidy for his girlfriend.

I'm not saying friends and family shouldn't help each other out. Believe it or not, friends and family of mine, my DP and our lodger frequently stay with us.

The point is not whether or not people should stay; it's the repellent attitude of someone just announcing when they will be coming.

Doesnt it?? So she hasnt benefitted from living with him while they pay his rent and living expenses?? They havent had a better standard of living, nicer accomodation?? etc etc.

Of course they have, and its clear to see by the fact the OP thinks a 2 bed flat, with ensuite, is tiny, when neither of them have FT jobs.