To want our new flat to ourselves for a while?

[Staceisace]

My DP and I are moving into a new place in a fortnight or so. We've already lived together for over a year but we've just graduated from university and everything's a bit up in the air for us right now as we need to make some decisions about our careers and future (aiming to get full time jobs, save money, get married, buy flat/house...fingers crossed!)

DP's parents know someone who has a flat in our city and that's where we're moving to. I'm not 100% behind the arrangement but couldn't find anywhere else so it'll have to do. The flat is around the same size as our current place which is a one bed but the new place has two bedrooms and an en suite in one of the bedrooms. Overall floorspace is about the same and storage is at a minimum in the new place so most of our big items (suitcases, cat carrier, general crap to be hidden away) will probably end up in the spare room/study.

Initially DP's parents offered to help us move with their van. Now they've decided not to bring their van down but rather their small car which isn't exactly helpful and I don't understand why they've decided to do this - they bring their van down here all the time! A friend with a larger car has already offered their help.

DP's mum is acting like a bit of a go-between regarding the flat and has now also told us it'll be up to us to clean the flat since the old tenants left (not the landlord as expected ...even though the landlord says she is going to). I kind of wish she would leave things alone - DP contacts landlord and it's much easier that way as they both know each other but still want a professional-ish relationship whereas DP's mum just wants to make her friend's life easier. So now we have less help to move and a load of extra cleaning to do. I could handle that but the real kicker is...

DP's parents have earmarked the gloriously tiny spare bedroom as theirs and have set out a series of dates over the coming summer when they plan to stay. They're also delighted that the flat comes with a parking space (we don't have a car). I was okay with them staying as a thank you for helping us move but now I'm a bit :/ about it. We're spending the summer looking for/starting new full time jobs and I probably won't have the time to have the flat ready for them and to entertain them whilst they're here. They're not overly demanding but they always have to have everything 'just so' and I don't think we're capable of providing that right now. The flat is so small we'd be tripping over them and I'm worried about other things like them letting the cat out etc. I'd have preferred it if we could have settled in and then invited them down for a weekend or something when we felt ready to have guests, you know? We were even thinking of inviting them and DP's sister for Christmas because we can't leave the cat but it'd be nice to spend the day with family. We figured that the whole 'being a bit cosy' in the small flat wouldn't be such an issue during the festive period (besides, the Christmas tree would be one less piece of junk in the spare room!)

I'm so used to my parents being really hands off that it's a little overbearing for me. My DP finds it a bit too much as well right now - it's getting to the point where they're calling every day about this flipping flat! Before now they'd phone every Sunday usually and visit maybe once every two or three months just for the day.

I'm being an idiot, aren't I?

no I had every sympathy til I read the last post, then I changed my views.

And I dont know if you missed, but I do think they OP should suggest they stay in camper not in flat.

Been there OP - so understand in part.

Business and family never mix - unless you/your BF get in there quickly and put some firm boundaries in place. I agree that you should thank them for their help so far. You are both independent people and sound capable to sort things your own way. Please don't feel that you have to 'over-thank' possible MIL by letting them overstay any welcome. Some Mums find it difficult during the uni/post- uni years not to go overboard with helping when requested. Now seems a good time to discuss where you are both at and what you want in the future. Old rule of thumb as far as renting goes - whoever pays for the house; sets the rules. See how it goes down - try subtle first - but you may also need to state clearly that 'helping when you are asked is much appreciated, otherwise please leave us to it. Everythings under control'.

HaLaMa: The OP doesn't read anything like 'what's fine for my family' the OP has implied that both are welcome for short stays on the OPs terms which is fair enough.

Secondly, paying the way through Uni does not entitle parents to gatecrash, as super says, on their life. The OPs DPs parents only paid his way because he could not get funding because THEIR income is too much, this is the case for numerous people I know, myself included, and I don't know one set of parents who see this as a free pass to interfere.

With regards to the parking on the drive thing: it's about setting boundaries. From the sounds of the 'MIL' if you give her an inch she will take a mile. You allow her to park on the drive one day and the next she's popping in for a cup of tea uninvited whilst you're busy.

Well, the fact they've paid for my DP to study is a point on which he is INCREDIBLY grateful and I imagine we'll spend the rest of our lives being grateful for that. My main issue with the current situation is that:

1. moving flat is stressful enough as it is - especially for us as we need to settle into a new area and get our cat settled too. The added interference of DP's mum is not helping. Telling us we have to go and clean the flat instead of the owner doing it (as expected and promised by owner) is the last thing we need right now.
2. I would prefer if they'd just asked 'are you free on the 11th of August, we're coming down and need somewhere to stay?' rather that 'we'll be staying on the 11th of August' I also feel that if they think they can do this once or twice, they're just going to see our flat as their crash pad, as others mentioned.
3. It's not a good time for us - we're both job hunting so need to be available for interviews etc. If we are working by then, they'd have the flat to themselves during the day which I just find weird and I'd be worried about them accidently letting the cat out or something. If we're not working we don't exactly have endless sums of money to buy in all the specific foods they like/need.

Stace, this is exactly why DP needs to put his foot down now. This is your home together. They can ask if they can stay, but you both have the right to say if it is inconvenient. I think if you refuse all the dates they've specified it will look as though you are avoiding them so I'd agree to some if possible.

If they want special food, they can bring it with them, or be grateful for what you provide. Or they can keep their visit to an overnight when they come to see a show.

Oh and I was joking about the camper van!

Remember that if you were to move 4 plus hours away they would want to stay for 4 days or more at a time!

girlywhirly I agree - and so does DP - we just don't want to be nasty about it. The advice from this thread is really helpful though and I'm sure thing will work out. There's one particular date that I know they're probably going to have to stay (event is in evening, tickets were expensive) but for everything else I think they can drive back home or stay in one of the many B&Bs/hotels they've stayed in throughout the last four years which they've never complained about.

The next thing that's going to happen is when DP's sister is jobhunting here in this city - she's moving home (to live rent free, be fed and have free use of a car) but will be travelling down to go to interviews. How long until his parents start suggesting she stays with us 'since we have the room'?! I have to laugh!

I think if we moved further away they'd not visit as often because it's easy for them right now to decide to 'pop down' for the day (or three...!) If we lived further away I'd be happy for them to come down for 4/5 days every two or three months once we're settled into the new place.

I wasn't we have one and so do quite a few of our friends - it's quite normal practice - I'd much rather have me and DCs on someones drive than in someones house - less invasive and less potential for chaos.

Agree MIL just needs to be told nicely but firmly that this is your home now and not a crash pad for any family members who need a bed in the vicinity.
Though having your SIL to stay now and again might be nice to give her a helping hand, if you get on?
Next time MIL says 'And of course we'll be coming on XX', say 'Oh - I"m afraid we have some friends visiting that weekend'. and leave it at that. It is not your in law's room!

DP's sister is...interesting. We both did similar degrees and are the same age but that's where the similarities end! I wouldn't mind her sleeping in the flat as long as she wasn't sitting around in it all day. I don't really need a helping hand - I just want us to be able to move in, settle in and make the flat our home.

You'd think that was a really difficult thing ;)

I meant you'd be giving her a helping hand by giving her somewhere to stay if she has a few back to back interviews.

TBH I can understand his family wanting to take advantage of your situation given the help they've given your DP, not in a tit for tat way, rather 'why not' take advantage of a spare room and parking space. Your DP can set the staying boundaries and you can both dictate terms when they stay, e.g. instead of getting nice food in suggest you all go to a local cafe for breakfast.

Would the parents be happy if people descended on them whenever they felt like it?
Or would they prefer to be asked first?

IMO, you sound quite selfish. You say dp is grateful, but how exactly does he plan to show gratitude? It is not enough just to sit back and say you are grateful, it means being willing to put yourself out for those who have helped you.

And why do you think you are entitled to have pil help you move? And if you don't want them to have any say regarding your flat, then just find one on your own!

It seems you want all the good things from having a close family, but none of the strings attached.

Wind-up your pil at your own peril. If you cannot find jobs and need a loan, do ask your friends or cat, whom you seem to value more than pil.

To add, when dh and I were in university and had a tiny studio flat, we still gladly welcomed his parents and brother to stay with us. Same with my family. And yes, they told us what dates would suit them and we worked around it.

At that age, we were used to living it rough, so as to speak, and were happy to share our space with people we love. And neither set of parents paid for university or helped us with accommodation.

You're in a transition phase at the moment, OP, where you're not a teenager / student anymore, dependent on parents but you're not fully financially independent yet as you're only just starting out. I can imagine you both want to set up life as a couple and get on with things but your DP's parents at least are having a hard time understanding that it seems!

Would they just book themselves in to stay with you if you and your DP were e.g. 35 and living in your own house that you'd bought? Possibly (my parents do this to my 37-year old sister because they helped her with the deposit on her house so think they semi-own it now so it does happen!) but it would be viewed as inconsiderate and overbearing to do so. Your DP's parents should be more considerate and realize that you're starting out in life together and want a bit of space. They need to learn to treat you like adults rather than a pair of teenagers staying in a friend's house.

All you can do is set firm boundaries but just be sure to make it clear to them that it's nothing personal to do with them but that you need a bit of space to get the new place in order and settle in.

"DP's parents have earmarked the gloriously tiny spare bedroom as theirs and have set out a series of dates over the coming summer when they plan to stay."

Tell them to fuck off.

Hamsie had better words, but seriously - WTF?

You are two grown adults moving into your own home that you are paying for.

Being grateful to your parents doesn't mean that they get to order you around and treat you like a child for the rest of your life.

They are being incredibly rude and presumptuous to treat your new home as their crashpad.

If they want to stay over they can ASK. Your DP can show his gratitude by saying yes, unless it is particularly inconvenient.

If they want to stay over they can ASK. Your DP can show his gratitude by saying yes, unless it is particularly inconvenient

Really? Allowing your parents to visit when it is convenient to you is showing gratitude ?

It is interesting that people are so quick to draw boundaries on even the slightest imposition on their own lives. But would be the first to expect parents to help out with tuition, deposits, childcare and ultimately a legacy.

Always ready to take with both hands, but grudging about giving back even a tiny bit. Great generosity of spirit, eh?

"But would be the first to expect parents to help out with tuition, deposits, childcare and ultimately a legacy."

You just totally made that up.

Whether this young man has such expectations of his parents is not something you can possibly know from what has been written.

What we do know, is that these people are treating their adult son and his partner (who owes them no debt of gratitude whatsoever) in an extremely rude manner.

This is their home.

They get to invite guests, not have a list of dates given to them.

Flatbread I'm sorry that you think I'm being selfish but I've never asked DP's parents for anything during the course of our relationship. They offered to help us move but have now decided that they don't want to which is fine but in the same breath they announced when they'd be staying in the flat. I realise that DP is indebted to his parents for paying him through university but in my opinion that only affects his relationship with his parents, not my relationship with them? I should stress again that I really like his parents I just want some peace and time to settle into a new flat without them inviting themselves to stay for a little while. DP has been living in Glasgow for six years already and not once have they asked to stay with him. We've been living together for over a year and again, they've never asked to stay. We'd have let them have our room and slept in the living room if we had to. I just don't like the fact that they think now that we have a 'two bedroom flat' and they're both retired that it's fine for them to come and stay. DP has many years to thank his parents for everything they've done for him - I'm looking forward to being able to treat them to weekends away and nice presents at Christmas which we can't currently afford. Of course we'd help them if they desperately needed it but that's just not the case - they've just decided that our flat is somewhere they can stay whenever they feel like it which I'm just not happy with.

Sorry for the rant but I just wanted to make that clear.

He's not indebted to them.

They are his parents. They chose to pay his way through university because parents like to give their children a leg up in the world if they can.

He should be grateful for all the things they have done for him, but he does not owe them a debt for things that were given freely and willingly and without condition.

Now he is a grown man setting up home and they need to respect that. They need to respect him and the independent life he is starting.

And they need to respect that this is your home and as much as you like them and they like you, you are not their family, and your home is not theirs to use as a crashpad.

Everyone has different ideas of personal space. Perhaps they think if the tables were turned they'd be willing hosts.

Try not to stress about it too much; take it a day at a time. Comments like 'we can't wait to get everything sorted so we can relax - life has been so hectic', then banging on about how exhausted you both are job-hunting/starting work etc and how you need to spend the weekends redoing CVs, researching XYZ, should get the point across - that your life at the moment doesn't have room for them to visit too frequently.

Have they given you a list of dates? I would in all seriousness get weekends blocked out with other people visiting, to make the point the room is not theirs as much as anything. It doesn't sound too welcoming being so small, maybe once they try it they'll be back to hotels as before.

They could be your in laws one day. How involved would she want to be in the wedding planning!

I feel like I've painted a terrible picture of these people! I realise they will probably be my in laws one day and I have no bad feelings about that. I can't foresee them interfering with a wedding a great deal to be honest and I look forward to having them as grandparents to our children. They're very different to my parents and can offer our kids a totally different perspective - they're into nature/hill walking, that sort of stuff.

I think they're just not aware of how small the flat is - they've been there twice or three times tops and only in the biggest room - the open plan kitchen/dining/living room. We have more stuff than was previously there too, hence why the spare room will also be used for storage.

The spare room can only just about fit a double bed and desk so DP has suggested getting rid of the bed and putting in a sofa bed/futon for guests. It's definitely not going to be luxurious!