To think that my childminder puts her own children before mine?

[BlackholesAndRevelations]

of course I'm not stupid and I know she will do this... It's just that I'm getting fed up with her cutting corners for the sake of her kids, when I'm paying her to do me a service.

I'm thinking of sending them to nursery full time instead, so that i know where they are all the time (instead of on massive long car journeys), and can pick them up whenever i want (instead of waiting for them to return from long journeys)... despite believing that my baby should be with a childminder (he's 9 months at the mo but will be almost 1 when I return to work).

WWYD? (re: nursery or childminder)

My nursery costs exactly the same per day as my childminder!

Well, send your child there then OP. Sorted!

Agreed, that an hour each way twice a day (if this is their school run) is too much. I have to say, I wouldn't be happy with that.

But the other stuff is par for the course with a CM. And I think that you really should look at the nursery, because you're saying you don't want her to drop off early to do her own stuff, but you also don't want her to take your DC with her and I don't think you've realized you can't have both. If she were to cover you working FT, then she'd be working 8-6 (presumably) When is she supposed to go to the GP?

You would have to take time off work for that; she can either take the time, or take DC with. My CM takes with, with my blessing, because if she has to take time off, so do I.

It sounds like you and she aren't a good fit now. That might not be anyone's fault, but if it isn't working for you, it isn't working. Call time and move, before it gets ugly.

The reason most people become CMs is because it fits in with their own family life. If it didn't have that advantage, then very few people would choose to do it, because they could earn more money working elsewhere and have less responsibility and stress.

To compensate parents for the fact that their child won't be the sole recipient of the CM's undivided attention, parents pay a ridiculously small amount of money. If you want your child carer to do nothing but attend to your child, then yes, you ought to have a nanny or pay a nursery (although even a nursery will not be able to give your child 100% of the carer's attention as there is more than one child who needs looking after). This will be significantly more expensive.

I do see why you don't like the long car journeys, but if her dc are at school an hour away, then she has no option.

YANBU to object to contract changes. You don't have to agree to those.

Is it an hour there and an hour back, or half an hour each way?

WE had a nanny who became our childminder when she had her first child and mine were a bit older. I preferred a childminder to nursery because it was like being a part of another, very nice family. Yes, it involved walking with some of the other mindees to school, but when she was our nanny DS2 had to go in the car for a fairly long school run with DS1, so not much different. Trips to the doctors, supermarket etc. are all part of family life and what children who have SAHMs spend time doing, so quite natural. I had experience of having a nanny which was best, childminder - as good but I obviously had to ocollect and deliver so less convenient and also for a short time a nursery - with the nursery I wasn't happy about DS1 being cared for by young girls I didn't know much about, who didn't seem very bright.

I've had nanny's too, disadvantages there too, they meet up with their mates for coffees because they are understandably lonely.

Blackholes - I am not being downright rude, I am being honest which is what I presume AIBU is all about. you do sound quite intolerant. My DS's CM told me she loved looking after the kids, the parents she didnt enjoy as much as I can understand why. Seriously, dont post on AIBU if you dont want people to be honest, even if it comes acoss as rude!

Valium - thank you!

I sent my dc to a CM (who didn't have children) and it worked brilliantly however in subsequent years I haven't found a similar quality of CM.

Later on my ds, when he was much older, went to another CM and it was very similar experience. She hardly interacted with him, collected various dc's from school and then left them to 'play'. My ds was getting a tough time from an older boy and she just wasn't aware as she focussed on her dc's. The way she interacted with her dc's and those in her care was very different. Essentially she was a CM who wanted the extra income but wasn't really cut out for the role and I don't think she actually enjoyed it. I got on very well with her on a personal level but I had to move ds as he wasn't happy.

Your instinct is telling you it isn't right - do listen to that. I don't think you are being precious, I think you see warning signs.

I guess it depends on if you are consulted before she takes these trips, and if you consent to it. You are paying for a service, but one of the major reasons a childminder is different to a nursery, is that they are cared for in a family setting. This means that there are times when the needs of one or other of the children has to come first.

I childmind for 5 children, all on a part time basis, and have two young children and a teenager of my own. There are times when I have to take them places to collect or drop off one of the others, I have taken mindees to the dentist when their parents were both at work, and had to take my children with me, as well as taking my kids to appointments etc bringing mindees with me.

I always check in advance with the parents, and have never yet had an objection, although sometimes parents have rearranged their work (only occasionally possible) to take their kids and one or other of mine so I can take only 1 child to whatever it is.

If you are not happy with it, discuss it with your CM, she may, or may not be able to rearrange things to keep you happy, but equally she may say she will not be able to take your DC if you are unhappy about it. Likewise you can choose to move your DC to another childminder, or to a nursery, whose routine is more to your liking.

I wouldn't say you are unreasonable to be concerned/annoyed about it, but I do think you need to speak to her, not moan about it on a forum.

Thank you so much viola. That's a great idea

"I just think that I'm paying her to look after my kids but she's just getting on with her daily life but with toddlers in tow!"
Surely the beauty of childminders is that it's a bit of both? I wanted my DS to be in a home environment, but couldn't afford not to return to work. My lovely childminder provided that home environment for him instead. And in a home environment there's give and take, sometimes the little ones getting the priority, sometimes the adults, sometimes the older children. I absolutely expected my childminder to get on with her daily life, doing the washing and the ironing and the shopping, as well as the trips to the park and the drawing and playing. Her three school-aged children were like elder siblings to my only child, they were all so great.

I wouldn't be happy with a CM running a lot of errands for the other DCs in her care and dragging my (or other) DCs along with her.

Thanks froggies. I think I'm finding it so difficult because I think she's great with my kids, eg does do activities with them as well as leaving them to play, which is why I like the idea of a pros and cons list. We're having settling in sessions at nursery soon so will do the list then.

I would expect a CM to carry on with normal life - surely that's partly the point, for the child to experience the same things that they would with their mum - going to toddler groups, going shopping etc. A nursery is a very artificial environment IMO - being stuck in one place for an entire day isn't great and a bit too much like school for a small child. I'd rather they were out experiencing normal life and learning about the world first hand. Plenty of time to get stuck in a classroom when they're older.

That said I agree that you're taking risk with CM from the point of view that you're trusting one person to do the best for your child, with no other supervision.

I just think that I'm paying her to look after my kids but she's just getting on with her daily life but with toddlers in tow! Nice work if you can get it.

As the wife of a child minder who works very hard I find statements like this and others here quite offensive actually. If there is anyone out there who thinks childminding is "nice work if you can get it" then they should try it......its hard work, exhausting and difficult to please all parents. Plus the amount of paperwork, policies and care plans he has to keep up to date is huge. Of course hes going to carry on his daily life - that is the point of a child minder! Thankfully he loves children and has wonderful relationships with the parents (especially since he had to overcome being a male in a female dominated world)

If you to want to do all this paperwork and look after children all day and have the time and patience to adapt your life around other peoples children for a job, all for £3.50 an hour per child - then why dont you go for it! After all its "nice work if you can get it"

Do you do chores and make trips when your DCs are in your own care? What is the difference between that and when the CM does them?

If her children are school-aged then the trips are likely to be in the evenings because that's when they're not at school. Presumably your DCs have her attention the rest of the day. It's not very fair on her kids if you think you have a right to dictate how they spend their leisure time simply because you are paying their mum.

My children rarely get put before the childminded children..
However they are that bit older and quite capable of sorting themselves out for a couple of hours.

Mackerel- I'm afraid I don't get your point. Leisure time? I'm talking about long drives to school.

I know she does a good job- that's why I'm considering my options so very carefully, or it might have been easier to make a decision.

Do you do chores and make trips when your DCs are in your own care? What is the difference between that and when the CM does them?

I don't do chores whilst I am being paid at work though and that's the crux of the matter.

I think it's about balance. Pre-school children like trips to do things, even things that seem mundane like picking older children up from school, but they also need some time focused on them. I've had experience of both nursery and cm, and have found them to have different positives, but have only had childcare for 2 or 3 days a week.

I've often thought that if you work full-time, part nursery care and part 'at home' care is the best of both worlds. Lots of time in a totally child-centred environment and also plenty of time going to the post box and counting carrots in the shop.

Though it sounds like you're actually not that keen on your dc, OP, in which case you do need to think seriously about moving.

Sorry, sorry, sorry OP, I meant you're not that keen on your CM not your DC!!

Mosman I'm obviously completely different to you. If my cm said that she'd been on the train to go shopping with my dc I'd have thought "how nice. They'll have enjoyed the train."

Mind you both my girls loved a good shop from that age.

Well I cannot imagine my 1 year old got anything out of it, even if she had phrased it we popped into town and he went on the train I might have felt better about it, but quite clearly she was the only one benefiting from the exercise the sole purpose was to do HER shopping.