Guests bedrooms, beds and children

[Mosman]

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU i'm a little stressed so my judgement is a bit blurred.
Jist is against my better judgement MIL is coming with us for 6 months when we emigrate to Perth some may remember the real dilemma about taking her in the first place but she's coming to try it out and help us settle in - god help me.
So there is an minor issue being blown out of all proportion IMO about beds and bedrooms.
When we first arrive we need to keep our costs down, DH doesn't have a job yet so I want to rent a 2/3 bedroomed place, DH and I will camp on the sofa bed, the baby will sleep with us and as we get our stuff over the children, 3 girls need a room for their beds and toys etc.
Grandma (MIL) thinks she should have a room to herself and we should buy her a bed as soon as we get there as she has arthritis and a whole catalogue of various other problems. The kids would be expected to sleep on blow up mattresses.
She also isn't happy that the baby will wake in the night - well who is and thinks we should get a bigger place so that less people are disturbed i.e. her. Nevermind that I have to work to support us all on this magical mystery tour.
She isn't planning to contribute towards the rent, will buy her own food as she has two big bills coming up - not sure how she would have handled those big bills if she was staying at home but she is basically pleading poverty.
Nobody made her come with us, at first she didn't want to because she would loose out financially but it seems that WE can loose out and that's just fine.
I am getting more and more aggregated about the whole situation and we aren't even on a plane yet.
Am I being a cow ? It's only for 6 months I guess.

Ok turn this around ... How about of somebody is asked to come and join you and the family and they outright refuse even though they will be provided for because they consider 25% of their pension to be too great a sacrifice. you've been told there is nothing that you can do that will be good enough to compensate for this loss but then all of a sudden they realise actually their income is protected then it's all ok and your family is of interest after all how would you feel ? At that point I'd decided she could bugger off but oh no she booked her ticket anyway.
DH has been looking for jobs and is at final interview for one thanks for asking and if he is successful we won't be needing child care.

Wow! I am shocked at the attitude that you have op!

Being the only bread winner and having more say does not give you the right to make someone else's life a misery. Most elderly people are not high maintenance, they just need care and dignity.

To tell MIL she is not to pay for anything, and then eyeballing her pension is bang out of order.

To expect her to sleep on a blow up mattress and to be horrified by the fact that she needs a proper bed is quite horrifying actually.

Maybe it's just old fashioned of me to expect that elderly people should be treated with respect and that they should not be considered a burden, more so in your case.

Sorry if i sound harsh.

Well, that's great about your dh. I don't know why you are making this all so much harder than it has to be. It is like Olgaga says, you want as much drama as possible.

You could have just come without mil, telling her to come to visit months later when you are settled (she is obviously capable of booking and changing tickets so not a problem). You could have investigated childcare and accommodation. And then you could just come and start a new life.

Instead you seem to want to turn a difficult move into a completely undoable, unworkable situation.

You don't have all the facts spru it's quite a long story but believe me you'd have quite a different take it.

Obviously that's not the case trying to leave as I have said many times over and over she wasn't going to be deterred short of not picking her up from the airport I'm not sure what I can do to stop her and believe me that's crossed my mind

Well, that's great about your dh. But why do you keep changing your story? You have kept saying that you don't know if dh will get work and that you will have to be the main breadwinner and support everyone. Now you say he looks like he will get a job. If you have two incomes your whole stituation will change. You will be able to afford a bigger place, you will have to get childcare etc.

I don't know why you are making this all so much harder than it has to be. It is like Olgaga says, you want as much drama as possible.

You could have just come without mil, telling her to come to visit months later when you are settled (she is obviously capable of booking and changing tickets so not a problem). You could have planned on dh working and could have investigated childcare and accommodation. And then you could just come and start a new life.

Instead you seem to want to turn a difficult move into a completely undoable, unworkable situation.

Actually, Mosman, that is not what you said. You had a whole thread about how she didn't want to come and how you thought that was appalling.

At that point I'd decided she could bugger off but oh no she booked her ticket anyway.

Well so what? You decided she could bugger off but you didn't bother to tell her, obviously - or she wouldn't have booked a ticket.

Your head seems to be is all over the place, you are ill-prepared, you asked her to come then neglected to tell her not to bother - and now you can't face telling her you don't want her to come anyway.

Your husband has a final interivew? Well good luck with that. I can't even understand why you're going when he hasn't got a firm offer of a job lined up.

Get a grip. Having heard it all now, I'm going to bed.

Things change yesterday he didn't have the final interview today he does shocking I know but there we go

I have a job lined up.

somehow, i think you having a job lined up is not going to be enough op.

You need to be more coherent in your mindset, thinking etc.

You will need all the patience that you can muster, but by the sounds of things, that is not going to happen and i fear that it will all fall apart very quickly - and i am not even talking about financially yet.

I have a job lined up.

Yes I got that. Your employability wasn't the problem in this country though either.

I agree it's not enough but it'll have to do as I said the tickets are booked everything g is sold or packed not goo g isn't an option. Forgive me I've ranted on here rather than vented in real life silly me I thought that was what forums were for.
If all the wheels fall off well it was an adventure for the kids to get to travel at such a young age.

I've ranted on here rather than vented in real life silly me I thought that was what forums were for.

Ranting on forums doesn't solve your RL problems.

an adventure for the kids to get to travel at such a young age

Have you heard about holidays abroad? It's this novel concept where people young or old get to experience travel - then come home again.

Bit dull for you though maybe.

Yes true holidays aren't quite the same and do t come with employment opportunities generally which is the sole aim of this adventure not getti g a spot of sun.

Ok, agree with all of what everyone else has said that her coming is madness. I emigrated to the US 18where months ago, and I tell you now this kind of scenario would have probably killed DH and I's marriage. unless you deal with it properly.
I get that you are stuck with this, so here are a few ideas, that might help.

Firstly a couple of questions. When do you arrive? I have a wonderful friend who lives in Perth, I'd be glad to hook you up with her if it helps.

OK so practically. if MIL cannot afford a new bed, there are other options. Ebay and Craigslist where you might pick up a cheap one. and freecycle.com where you might find one for free. its perhaps a start. we found loads of stuff that way to help us when we first arrived.

secondly, you really need to set some solid ground rules, for what you are trying to achieve settling /ukrainian routine wise for the kids and you as a family. and come up with some helpful strategies that MIL can use to support DH getting a job, kids settling in and you working when you arrive. Essentially if she is not paying rent or contributing, and is there to help, then she is like a an au pair, albeit an elderly one and you need to have a plan in place to make sure all of you (her included) get something good from it.

My MIL is coming to "help with the baby" when my DS is born next month, she is planning to stay an undefined amount of time. we have negotiated some ideas of how it will work, so we don't kill each other.

Believe me emigrating is stressful, and it can also be depressing at first with home sickness and everything else. so make sure you take control, and steer things how you need them to be.

Best of luck. and PM me if you want me to put you in touch with my friend in Perth.

Ok so my phone is going mad and adding words like ukranian to things. I am not mad... honest!

It's neither sitting bull it's a 6 month visa

Thanks shark let

I haven't been to Perth but I've had lots of advice off mums et as to where the good schools are so I know what to expect rental wise and we can stretch to a 5 bed place if need be in carine and bed lands the two places we are considering. I have booked 4 weeks in a short stay furnished place so I'm not quite as dippy as I may seem at times.

I'm just utterly fed up of packing, managing 4 kids alone and sorting out renting this house out whilst mil is sat in her arse 7 miles away with her bags packed waiting for the call to join us, you wouldn't even mind if she offered to watch the kids whilst I paint, waited in for deliveries anything at all to lighten the load but no my 9 year old is more helpful and yet she seems to consider herself to be my responsibility like another child. It's getting me down as you can imagine.

Why can't your DH help you pack and sort out. I thought he did not have a job. I don't think you wanted your MIL to help. You say that you think she considers herself your responsibility. WHERE is your DH in all of this!