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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guests bedrooms, beds and children

346 replies

Mosman · 18/06/2012 14:04

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU i'm a little stressed so my judgement is a bit blurred.
Jist is against my better judgement MIL is coming with us for 6 months when we emigrate to Perth some may remember the real dilemma about taking her in the first place but she's coming to try it out and help us settle in - god help me.
So there is an minor issue being blown out of all proportion IMO about beds and bedrooms.
When we first arrive we need to keep our costs down, DH doesn't have a job yet so I want to rent a 2/3 bedroomed place, DH and I will camp on the sofa bed, the baby will sleep with us and as we get our stuff over the children, 3 girls need a room for their beds and toys etc.
Grandma (MIL) thinks she should have a room to herself and we should buy her a bed as soon as we get there as she has arthritis and a whole catalogue of various other problems. The kids would be expected to sleep on blow up mattresses.
She also isn't happy that the baby will wake in the night - well who is and thinks we should get a bigger place so that less people are disturbed i.e. her. Nevermind that I have to work to support us all on this magical mystery tour.
She isn't planning to contribute towards the rent, will buy her own food as she has two big bills coming up - not sure how she would have handled those big bills if she was staying at home but she is basically pleading poverty.
Nobody made her come with us, at first she didn't want to because she would loose out financially but it seems that WE can loose out and that's just fine.
I am getting more and more aggregated about the whole situation and we aren't even on a plane yet.
Am I being a cow ? It's only for 6 months I guess.

OP posts:
LadyClariceCannockMonty · 20/06/2012 11:59

OP, you've had advice on how to manage the situation including insisting that she pay her way etc.

But ultimately, I have to say the whole expedition sounds like a disaster, and it's never too late (although obviously it might be nightmarishly hard) to change your mind.

monkeymoma · 20/06/2012 12:00

it is CRUEL to take her, on both her and your kids
your "plan" and expectation is she'll hate it so much that she'll never visit again, its would be far kinder to leave her where she is now, even if she cries
Because there'll be far more tears if you take her

stop making out like you don't have a choice, you do!

glastocat · 20/06/2012 12:02

I would go without her, and certainly dont have a heart of ice. I'll be leaving my mum behind when I go to Perth after all. I think you are being more cold hearted doing what you are going to do, in fact it sounds quite cruel.

Original poster
Mosman · 20/06/2012 12:23

Glastocat, does your mother have anyone else ?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 20/06/2012 12:24

She has her bags packed and tickets and insurance ALL paid for, if it's that bad we can send her home in a week but we can't tell her she can't come.

OP posts:
monkeymoma · 20/06/2012 12:28

Yes! you can! far kinder than "sending her home" alone!
stop saying you "can't" - you CAN! you just wont!

Original poster
Mosman · 20/06/2012 12:30

Alright I won't because I don't think she will see it as kinder to say the least.
That will be it, no more MIL.
Where as if she decides all by herself that she hasn't enough room, hates the heat and the noise then we can all skype happily ever after.

OP posts:
QuintessentialShadows · 20/06/2012 12:32

How on earth is she going to "help" when she is already causing problems before you have even left?

Put it to her that it will be the way you have decided, otherwise she is free to change her mind about joining you.

monkeymoma · 20/06/2012 12:33

yeah! that's EXACTLY what is likely to happen if she goes Hmm you wont all end up not speaking and her leaving alone in tears!
you'll end up with no MIL if she comes, but you have stated down thread that that would be desirable, so how come its a problem if done sooner than later!

glastocat · 20/06/2012 12:34

Mosman she has my stepdad,but I am her only child so of course it is breaking her heart that I am moving so far away! But thank god there is no emotional blackmail for me to stay,although if there was I would ignore it, as I had to with my father for years. My dad would have behaved just like your MIL, we had to give him very strict boundaries which meant we could have a good relationship. If he had had his way we would have lived next door,then I would have ended up burying him under the patio, so I do appreciate your problem, but giving into emotional blackmail never works in my experience.

Original poster
Mosman · 20/06/2012 12:39

Put it to her that it will be the way you have decided, otherwise she is free to change her mind about joining you.

That's exactly what we've doe, as I stated a few pages back, she's bought herself a blow up bed. I think she likes to test things, make demands to see how far she can go if you like very much like a child but if you say no she accepts that, which we have done.

OP posts:
monkeymoma · 20/06/2012 12:47

"That will be it, no more MIL.
Where as if she decides all by herself that she hasn't enough room, hates the heat and the noise then we can all skype happily ever after."

"I don't particularly like her, Dh isn't even all that keen himself.
I can see her sulking off home before Christmas never to be seen again but my god will we suffer in the meantime."

"He also thinks she will hate the weather, hate the flight, hate the kids and we'll never have to go through all this again but his conscious is clear."

"I can't see her lasting 6 months either"

Y'know, at the start of the tread I felt a bit sorry for YOU! but as it goes on it sounds more and more like part of you will enjoy watching your MIL suffer and hate it, as if you plan to ditch her, but want to punish her first!

Original poster
Mosman · 20/06/2012 12:51

Oh fuck off MM, nobody would actually blame me if that was true but it isn't, I know that and so does DH.

OP posts:
Inertia · 20/06/2012 14:09

Ok, so she's coming.

Bedrooms- you can afford what you can afford. If that's 2 bedrooms, then it's 2 bedrooms. Everyone can just put up with sharing. You're not running a guesthouse. You, DH & baby in one corner of front room, 2 DC in a bedroom, MIL and other DC in other bedroom. If MIL doesn't like sharing, she has a whole house of her own in the UK, or she can rent an apartment. Her choice.

Beds- if that's what you have , that's what everyone gets. If she wants to buy her own bed then she'll have plenty of time to get out to the shops and choose one.

If it's too hot she can come back to the UK.

As long as you have clearly explained how it will be , then it's up to her to make those choices. What you need to avoid is getting deep into debt to fund a 5 bedroom house rental in order to try to get away from the arguments.

glastocat · 20/06/2012 14:23

How come its a choice between a two bedroomed house and a five bedroomed one? Confused

tinnedtomatoes · 20/06/2012 14:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

xkittyx · 20/06/2012 14:56

You actually sound like you are going to be quite cruel to her when she is there.
My mum is 75 and has arthritis. We had a travel cock-up a couple of months ago meaning we all had to sleep on mattresses on the floor for a night. My mum had to crawl into her en suite and drag herself upright using the loo :-(

Echocave · 20/06/2012 18:05

This situation sounds like a volcano about to errupt. I haven't read your earlier thread, OP but the more I read of this one, the more sorry I feel for your children. I don't mean to sound sanctimonious when I say that but they will face all kinds of upheaval against what sounds like a really unhappy family background.

I'm sorry you've had such a difficult time with DH's job and your dcs school situation, that sounds very hard on all of you. But the most worrying thing is that you sound so furious with your dh that it can't end well. I am wondering (sorry to say this) if you should be having counselling with him before you set off anywhere. Mother in law may survive this but your marriage might not.

coldinoz · 21/06/2012 01:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AdoraBell · 21/06/2012 05:44

This may have been said already, but have you asked your DH how he plans to pay for this extra bed, after you've bought proper beds for each of your DCs? MlL is his mother, so it should be him dealing with the situation.

justaboutisnowakiwi · 21/06/2012 06:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

trixymalixy · 21/06/2012 08:57

Having read the original thread, I also am confused, your MIL really can't win can she?

Original poster
Mosman · 21/06/2012 22:21

You're right she can't win in many ways except she could make it as smooth and stress free as possible couldn't she ? She knows how things are with DH, she has swung from coming, not coming, coming in her terms and now is coming 7 weeks later due to a hitch with her visa. I know I sound schizophrenic, I feel it at the moment this has been the most stressful experience of my life so far.

OP posts:
2rebecca · 21/06/2012 22:38

Surely when you planned to emigrate you knew that she wouldn't be coming with you and factored that into the decision. It seems odd to suddenly feel guilty about it after you've decided to go. You may find without you there she has to develop her own social life and be better off. There are plenty of elderly relatives whose adult children live away from them.
When I chose to live in NZ for a year I did so knowing I wouldn't see my family for a year. It would have been bizarre for me to suddenly start begging them to come after having made the decision to go when they said they'd miss me.
When she said initially that she didn't want to go you should have left it at that as surely the initial plan was to leave her at home.
Feeling sorry for someone isn't a good reason to have them live with you for 6 months. Dragging her along to appease your guilt sounds silly.

trixymalixy · 21/06/2012 22:39

As could you, changing your mind about expecting her to contribute financially after she has decided to come and expecting a 75 year old to sleep on a blow up bed isn't really trying to make things go smoothly and stress free now is it. Are you trying to antagonise her? The whole situation is ludicrous.