Guests bedrooms, beds and children

[Mosman]

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU i'm a little stressed so my judgement is a bit blurred.
Jist is against my better judgement MIL is coming with us for 6 months when we emigrate to Perth some may remember the real dilemma about taking her in the first place but she's coming to try it out and help us settle in - god help me.
So there is an minor issue being blown out of all proportion IMO about beds and bedrooms.
When we first arrive we need to keep our costs down, DH doesn't have a job yet so I want to rent a 2/3 bedroomed place, DH and I will camp on the sofa bed, the baby will sleep with us and as we get our stuff over the children, 3 girls need a room for their beds and toys etc.
Grandma (MIL) thinks she should have a room to herself and we should buy her a bed as soon as we get there as she has arthritis and a whole catalogue of various other problems. The kids would be expected to sleep on blow up mattresses.
She also isn't happy that the baby will wake in the night - well who is and thinks we should get a bigger place so that less people are disturbed i.e. her. Nevermind that I have to work to support us all on this magical mystery tour.
She isn't planning to contribute towards the rent, will buy her own food as she has two big bills coming up - not sure how she would have handled those big bills if she was staying at home but she is basically pleading poverty.
Nobody made her come with us, at first she didn't want to because she would loose out financially but it seems that WE can loose out and that's just fine.
I am getting more and more aggregated about the whole situation and we aren't even on a plane yet.
Am I being a cow ? It's only for 6 months I guess.

Financial contributions only came into the equation when the queen of Sheba started insisting on her own room, she expected the master bedroom with en suite needless to say that isn't happening.

When you decided you wanted to drag her along you should have explained clearly to her what the accomodation arrangements were likely to be. If I was 75 and my son and DIL were insisting I go to the other side of the world with them to appease their guilt at leaving I'd expect my own room .
Different if she'd been hassling you to come all along and you'd made it clear to her that you couldn't afford a big house and she'd be sleeping on a mattress in the sitting room. Telling her after she's booked the flights is mad. It all sounds very poorly thought out. You all seem to be making lots of last minute decisions not planning this.
You and your husband should be in charge of this and should have decided months ago who was coming, what sort of accomodation you could afford etc.

Add message | Report | Message poster Mosman Tue 19-Jun-12 13:41:37
yes I did ear mark some of her pension into my calculations would anybody expect to be kept for 6 months ?

When trying to persuade her to come you said her pension would be all hers, at what point did you start factoring her pension in? After it was all booked?Right from the start?

You are the one who is making this stressful for all involved by changing the goalposts all the time. First your pissed off because she's not coming, then you're pissed off because she is. First you offer pay all her bills, then you get pissed off that she doesn't expect to contribute.

Your MIL, might be a horror, but you're not exactly whiter than white. It's your poor kids I feel sorry for in all this.

Gah, loads of typos!

I read your last thread, I read this thread. I still cannot get inside your head. It is obviously a nightmare for all involved yet no one will pull the plug. you sound like a very emotionally unhealthy, strange group of people.

Really what on earth does this have to Di with the children? They no nothing of any of the discussions.

Very possibly mrs t takes all sorts doesn't it

It does take all sorts but why be unhappy? Just leave her at home and enjoy the sunshine.

She's coming in 7 weeks so thats only 19 weeks rather than 26 bit more bearable. Plus if the public transport is rubbish she doesn't drive that'll be the final straw for her no doubt.
The fact is once she was over the initial shock, realised her pension could be unaffected she was bloody determined she was coming, booked her own flight and announced she was coming.

YOU ASKED HER TO COME!!!!! Not only that when she was not keen initially you tried to persuade her to change her mind. Why are you now so pissed off that she's coming.

The kids might know nothing now, but several weeks in to moving cooped up in a flat that's too small for you all they surely can't fail to notice that the adults are at each other throats. nice way to make moving nice and stressful for them, particularly as you seem to be going out of your way to make MIL's life such a misery that she won't want to come back. .

Honestly for the good of all of you either cancel her coming or just Accept she is coming and make the best of it. 3 bed flat, MIL in one room, eldest 3 in another, you and DH and the youngest in the 3rd. Buy a bed for MIL that you can use once she's gone

I've just read the whole thread. This probably isn't the most helpful comment but it sounds like the maddest, most half baked, stressful plan ever. If you think it's bad now it'll be a zillion times worse once youre all the other side of the world.

I echo what the poster up thread said - this is such a slow motion car wreck, why is no one pulling the plug?

The only plug that could be pulled is mil not coming which since we fly on Monday it's a bit late for, can hardly phone once we have arrived and tell her we've changed our minds.

And I think we are all mature enough to not be at each others throat fgs

I agree with coldinoz
(and its freezing here this morning!)

Landlords of anywhere half decent can have their pick of tenants, and they will not agree to let to a family of 7 wanting to live in a 2/3 bed flat.
(and if you lie & get caught out you'll not only lose that tenancy but would have trouble getting another)
And you cant buy (most) places on a temporary visa

There are families living in Caravan sites at the moment
( and noe of them are in areas with good schools)

Which why I was far keener on the mil putting her hand in her pocket and us renting something suitable.
We will be fine one way or the other.

Just out of interest did you have any trouble finding nursery schools or child are if you neede it ?

Child care that should have said

Good daycare centres (nurseries) are booked years in advance , but you may get a cancellation place.
Places with plenty of vacancies are not usually that great
There are agencies for childcarers, they will all be police checked etc but more expensive than word-of-mouth contacts.

Well, now I've read the previous thread now and I think this is all insane.

In the previous thread you said mil would be coming as your guest, would have her pension as 'pocket money' and wouldn't be expected to contribute. You made it sound like you were offering her a great deal.

Now you want her to sleep on a blow up bed in a shared room, and contribute to the bills and rent AND be free chilcare (although you seem to have given up on that). That is not fair. In fact, I would say it is abusive to expect an old lady to sleep like that. I can't believe you can't recognize that elderly people need more privacy and comfort than children. And I agree that there is no way you would get a 2 or 3 bedroom place (madness anyway - do you realize that you are usually locked into a lease for a year?) over a couple or a family of 3 or 4.

You have created this situation, now you seem to be trying to make it as bad as possible.

That could be the answer to all our problems then if DH has to be a stay at home dad there's no bloody way I'm supporting her too and I'll have a heck of a lot more say if I'm the only bread winner.

As for childcare, I find it depends how many children and how many days and how flexible you are. I have always found it possible to get a couple of days for one child at even the most highly regarded places. But when I had to find three days a week for two children in Sydney it was a nightmare.

Again, if you don't want to support her, why did you ask her to come???

Quite a lot of things changed between one thread and this one trying to leave that's all I can say in my defence.

It is not fair to have some one to stay in the hope that you make life so miserable for them that they never want to come again. Especially when you persuaded that person to come in the first place.

You sound like you don't know what you're doing or what you want. You should have been calling childcare centers from when you first started planning to move to put your dcs names down. Your dh should have been looking for work from that time too.

This has to be the weirdest thread I've come across. Talk about out of the frying pan into the fire.

Mosman are you for real? If so you sound utterly detached from reality.

Your DH sounds like a complete waste of space.

Your MIL sounds like a half-dead limpet, clinging on for dear life.

You sound as though you're loving the drama of this hard life you have arranged for yourself and fear you will fade away if you don't have all these problems.

Is this really, honestly, the best solution you could come up with? Emigrate to a very expensive part of Aus where you will be the sole earner? It actually sounds like you have deliberately cast aside all logic and set out to devise the most melodramatic, expensive and least effective scenario with the most AIBU potential - and in that at least you've been successful.

Well good luck, but I feel sorry for your kids.

You could of course change your mind, write off the cost, let your DH emigrate with your DMIL and have a nice easy life here in the UK without them.

But I suppose that would be a little too sensible and dull for you.