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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Guests bedrooms, beds and children

346 replies

Mosman · 18/06/2012 14:04

I'm genuinely not sure if IABU i'm a little stressed so my judgement is a bit blurred.
Jist is against my better judgement MIL is coming with us for 6 months when we emigrate to Perth some may remember the real dilemma about taking her in the first place but she's coming to try it out and help us settle in - god help me.
So there is an minor issue being blown out of all proportion IMO about beds and bedrooms.
When we first arrive we need to keep our costs down, DH doesn't have a job yet so I want to rent a 2/3 bedroomed place, DH and I will camp on the sofa bed, the baby will sleep with us and as we get our stuff over the children, 3 girls need a room for their beds and toys etc.
Grandma (MIL) thinks she should have a room to herself and we should buy her a bed as soon as we get there as she has arthritis and a whole catalogue of various other problems. The kids would be expected to sleep on blow up mattresses.
She also isn't happy that the baby will wake in the night - well who is and thinks we should get a bigger place so that less people are disturbed i.e. her. Nevermind that I have to work to support us all on this magical mystery tour.
She isn't planning to contribute towards the rent, will buy her own food as she has two big bills coming up - not sure how she would have handled those big bills if she was staying at home but she is basically pleading poverty.
Nobody made her come with us, at first she didn't want to because she would loose out financially but it seems that WE can loose out and that's just fine.
I am getting more and more aggregated about the whole situation and we aren't even on a plane yet.
Am I being a cow ? It's only for 6 months I guess.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 19/06/2012 13:41

You'd love to hear mil's side ? Her side is that the nasty lady is snatching away her only boy - only boy that still speaks to her, yes I did ear mark some of her pension into my calculations would anybody expect to be kept for 6 months ? And yes I had considered her for childcare but it's obvious that won't be happening either for various reasons.

OP posts:
glastocat · 19/06/2012 13:49

Mosman, do you think you might be setting yourself up to fail for some reason? because I can see no way this situation is going to work out for you as it stands at the minute.

Dropdeadfred · 19/06/2012 14:35

How could you ask someone like her to look after your children??!!

ParkbenchSociety · 19/06/2012 15:06

DIRECT QUOTE FROM OPS EARLIER THREAD
Message poster Mosman Sat 12-May-12 22:14:51

"....I have decided that yes the old baggage can come out with us and that I will make sure will be the one and only time she ever does......"

I know the post I quoted is a month old, but if you still think this then you you are being very cruel (even if she is an old bag and you think she deserves it). It's better to upset her now than to subject her to six months of misery. If this was a situation where a man was talking about his wife in this way can you imagine the uproar.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 19/06/2012 15:42

I can't imagine anyone saying that about a man and his wife though. I'm not sure the analogy works.

If it were exactly the same situation, mirrored, e.g. a man and his FIL, I wouldn't have a problem and I'm not at all sure there'd be an uproar.

Original poster
Mosman · 19/06/2012 15:56

I'm not sure I'm helping myself posting on here any more, just a case of getting on with it.
As it happens though she has actually bought a blow up bed to bring with her, along with a selection of long sleeved blouses for protection from the sun, lol

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 19/06/2012 16:21

How healthy is your MIL. Her coming is a big deal for her age - it is a v long flight.

You need to check she has the right travel insurance (and does it include repatriation of her body if she dies?)

Perth can be vv hot, can she cope with that?

If she is leaving her home unoccupied for 6 months she will need to have someone checking it weekly or her buildings and contents insurance will be void. She needs to tell them she will be leaving property empty.

Don't know about back story but if she is staying for 6 months she needs to contribute to the pot.

Finally, enjoy your move. I am vv jealous. The kids will love it, and it sounds like your dh might have a good chance at a job.

The start of a new great life together. Exciting :-) even if she does come, and even if she is a nightmare, it is only 6 months out of the rest of your life. Time will fly by...

Dropdeadfred · 19/06/2012 16:23

Do your older children know mil's history regarding her children?

Original poster
Mosman · 19/06/2012 16:29

No of course they don't know anything about it.
If I was feeling sympathetic you could look back and say post natal depression was not diagnosed in those days, women used to stick their heads in gas ovens didn't they ?

Itsallgoingtobefine I've seen the insurance documents myself today, she does have comprehensive cover, it won't cover GP visits but she has budgeted for that.
She has also announced she will be able to contribute £30 a month on top of buying her own food Hmm whatever, she just won't be able to have the aircon on at all and she hates the heat, hates it hence she has bought a selection of nylon long sleeved blouses lol WTF ?

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 19/06/2012 16:32

That Pnd suggestion is an insult to all mothers who struggle with it and still do their best for their children. Legging it to Spain leaving your children hungry and in their own shit is not a commonly recognised symptom

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 19/06/2012 16:32

Long sleeves are sensible in the heat ... but I agree nylon isn't the best fabric.

Don't let her get away with 'announcing' what she's going to contribute to the household. It's your household and you know what it'll cost; therefore it's for you to work out people's shares. maybe when you 'announce' the figure to her she'll change her mind about coming

ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 19/06/2012 16:34

Why does she want to come?

It seems like a lot of hardship for an older person. Have you tried sitting down with her and calmly discussing what it will be like?

The heat. The bugs. The loneliness. The long long flight. The fact you can't afford aircon. If she still wants to come then fair enough but TBH I can't see her lasting 6 months.

Original poster
Mosman · 19/06/2012 16:40

We don't know do we dropdeadfred, some people with PND murder their children, some go and get help from their GP, we'll never know.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mosman · 19/06/2012 16:42

I can't see her lasting 6 months either, we've had a frank discussion about the arthris in her leg and how bad that actually is, she's agreed that she can't look after the children so she's not expecting that, I imagine she'll take herself off on daytrips that kind of thing, that seems the best solution allround so it's better that she saves her money for that.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 19/06/2012 16:44

That's true Mosman - I'm guessing then that she had medical treatment and then realised what a selfish bitch she was and immediately made it up to her dc and writhed in guilt and regret...? No??

Original poster
Mosman · 19/06/2012 16:45

We are talking about 1969 drop dead, they were told to get on with it.

OP posts:
Dropdeadfred · 19/06/2012 16:50

Okay - but what I'm saying is that surely if she was I'll she would, upon recovery, have done everything in her power to apologise to her children, explain how she was feeling and spend the rest of her life making it up to them? If not then why on earth do you want her as part of your children's lives??
Fwiw I don't know why you continue to post on this because you won't take notice of any advice at all

Original poster
Mosman · 19/06/2012 16:54

I know what you are saying but its a totally different generation ddf, my own mother used to belt us with a leather belt if we didnt go to sleep after lights out, she wouldn't apologise for it that's how she was brought up, what can you do ?

OP posts:
ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 19/06/2012 16:59

Maybe she doesn't apologise because she is utterly mortified and can't bear to even think about it let alone drag it all up.

ParkbenchSociety · 19/06/2012 17:07

She will actually be there at the best time of the year. It's dec, jan, feb and march which are the hot months. It may be wet and windy at times but rather lovely when she is there...pleasantly warm in the day, sunny skies and cool at night......perfect .. Aircon use wont be a problem. That is good that you have agreed that she won't watch the kids, I imagine that will reduce possible conflicts and if she can't even undo the straps on the pushchair I couldn't see how it was going to work anyhow.
I hope everything goes well and that things work out for you and your family.
(I would still get her a proper bed though, even convicted prisoners have proper matresses )

Ishoes · 20/06/2012 10:06

Op is not listening people-you are wasting your breath. She clearly hates her mil but yet has come up with no apparently good reason as to why she is coming with them apart from-she criesHmm

DamnBamboo · 20/06/2012 10:15

If she wants you to rent a bigger place for her comfort, she needs to pay the extra costs for this.

Original poster
Mosman · 20/06/2012 11:47

I am not listening because i have repeatedly pointed out this is no longer about whether she comes or she is coming, it's about managing the situation.
She is coming because she is an old friendless woman with nobody else in the world who does cry. If you can tell me that you'd ignore that and go ahead anyway leaving her 12,000 miles behind then I say you must have a heart of ice.

OP posts:
Flisspaps · 20/06/2012 11:50

I'd go. I'm happy to be called heartless.

monkeymoma · 20/06/2012 11:55

I think you and your DH have a heart of ice to bring her with the expectation that it'll fail and she'll have a horrible time and will slink back to the UK alone after having had a horrible time and probably no longer having any relationship with your family

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