aibu to feel that this is worse than adultery?

[geosprout]

Dh and I have been having problems of late-major ones. I came home last night to overhear him talking to his mother about our problems in depth. A lot of it was untrue and painting me out to be the bad guy. Hey, I'm no innocent, but like all relationships it's six of one half dozen of the other IYSWIM.

I went ballistic: I took the phone off of him only to have her screaming down my earhole. I defended myself but I feel utterly and completely betrayed.
I don't think I'd feel worse if he had s**ed somebody else; I know, I know it's nuts and I probably am being unreasonable.

What makes it worse is that he only ever pays her 'duty visits' because he thinks he is going to get some money off her when she dies.

AIBU?

Attitudes like OP's explain why there is a high male suicide rate, because apparently talking about your problems with someone you trust is "weak" and "unfeminine"

squeaky-grabbing a phone off someone is the same as pushing them?-on what fucking planet???

you seem to think he ought to be "put in his place"... if you speak to him in the way you have talked about him on here, no wonder the bloke is seeking some sanctuary..

OP your continued goading of posters who are calling you on your unhinged narrative marks you out quite clearly as at least as bad as the husband you so obviously despise. I think you should leave him. Do it today. And then go get some help because you have got some pressing issues to sort out.

I don't mind him talking to people about his problems at all. Just not his family because I know how these things can end up: if he wished to talk to a counsellor, a priest, a vicar, or somebody of that ilk, fine.

I believe in squeaky's eyes mils are beyond reproach; it is the dils that need putting in their place

Are you just like this in real life OP too? you seem very adept at twisting words, seeing hidden meaning in them, and making it up yourself as you go along..

Why didn't he suggest counselling? I'd have no issue with that at all. I don't mind telling an impartial individual who has no bias our problems.

why should he talk to who YOU decide he ought to talk to ... he is a 50 year old man you say, so he can talk to whoever he likes.. he does not need your permission

Oh come off it, squeakytoy, you'd honestly be OK with your dh telling your mil your intimate and deeply personal problems? You're talking nonsense.

I agree my tone here has been a bit off- that is because I am upset. I agree that I absolutely should have kept my cool, I agree that I shouldn't have grabbed the phone.

But, really, to say that he should have told his mum about our issues in such depth is just silly.

I would be ok with my husband telling his mum our problems. Equally I would have told my mum too.

My MIL is invaluable to me, because when there were problems in our marriage, serious ones, she was the person who I turned to, and who I also encouraged my husband to talk to. We would both have been lost without her as she did not judge. For all you know, only hearing one side of the conversation, she may have been defending YOU when he was slagging you off.. and he was being a twat by trying to shit stir saying that you didnt like her.

By all means wait until he was off the phone then have it out with him, but you took it out on her too.

I think what a lot of people (me included) are having trouble understanding is your gross hypocrisy regarding your view that it's acceptable for a woman to talk to her mother about such things but it's absolutely unacceptable when it's a man.

Where have I said at any point on this thread that I took it out on her? I'm not seeing anything that says that at all.
I remained very calm in my conversation with her. I went a bit mad with him. All I said to her was that I did not think he should be telling her these things. You are incorrect to say that I was rude to her. I was most definitely not.

I tried to be calm and not react as I sensed that she was getting great pleasure in the whole business and did not want to give her greater satisfaction of being abusive to her.

Yes, I was rude, to him, not her.

You were rude to her. She was having a private conversation with her son. You barged into that conversation and attempted to tell her that her son was effectively not allowed to talk to her about certain subjects.

If, when my son is an adult, I'm on the phone to him and my future DIL decided to take the phone out of his hand because she didn't agree with what he was saying to me then a) I'd think she was a control freak, b) I'd be saying something along the lines of "Who the hell do you think you are?" to her, and c) I'd be having a serious conversation with my son to try to work out if he was the victim of emotional abuse.

Geo, I think one of the reasons that people here are finding it hard to understand where you are coming from is probably because this things about him talking to his Mum isn't the real issue.

The real issue is whatever made him feel the need to talk to his Mum in the first place, especially when, by his own admission, he doesn't particularly want to spend any time with her.

If what he usually says to you about his Mum is a true reflection of how he really feel about her, then don't you think that things must have gotten seriously bad for him to then choose her as someone to turn to?

YABU to think that a man talking over his problems with his mother is worse than adultery.

YABU to think you can dictate who your DH can speak to.

YWBU to take the phone away from your DH and intrude on his private conversation.

YABVVVU to assert that women are allowed to have conversations re: relationships with their mothers but men are not. The phrase "double standard" is tossed around willy-nilly and often inaccurately, but your assertion is the very definition of a double standard.

It sounds as though there are major issues in your marriage, but this conversation hardly qualifies as one of them, IMO.

I agree the OP is wrong to make a distinction between a man and woman and who they can confide in, but I think you are getting sidetracked. If your DH told your MIL you were frigid, that is a confidence too far, IMO.

It is one thing to discuss with your parents the fact that things are not going too well, but entirely different to discuss intimate details of your sex life in a disrespectful way.

I can understand the fact that the OP is particularly upset about the fact that it was his mother he chose to tell this to, as well. If this marriage survives, she has to have a relationship with her MIL, who will never probably never look at her the same way again after all this. And, after all, most parents will take the "side" of their child and support them, naturally. This is one of the reasons that maybe parents should be kept at a certain distance from the details of marital difficulties.

And I meant to add that this goes for whoever is discussing the details with their parents, a DW or a DH.

OP you are truly bonkers & for the record Italian men (well mine at least) are not mummy's boys, they simply have great respect for the woman who brought them into the world & continues to guide them through it

No more bonkers than looking at an innocuous light-hearted comment about Italian men and getting in a rage about it...

And are you all forgetting that the OP says he told his mum that she didn't like her and didn't want to visit her. EVEN IF this were true, you just do NOT say this to her face, do you?!

I know that the OP has made some fairly astounding comments, but if her DH actually said those things to his mum, he is bang out of order.

OP, I'm afraid it sounds to me like he has decided that your marriage is over, (ie so he can say whatever he likes to her and it does not matter as you need have no future relationship with her) because, unless he is a total , no-one sane would say those things to their parents. A general discussion about the fact that things aren't going too well is TOTALLY different.

You may be right kat, leave 'em to it. She'll chuck it all back at him one day. And he'll continue to treat her like dirt. It'll be: 'She was frigid because you were an useless husband'. Like she said that her son-in-law was a better son to her. He might be. But she said it to hurt my dh.
Always wise to shutthef*up about some things, I think.
Sod 'em.

I don't get the complete jump from him having as little contact with his mother, to only wanting to see her to stay in her will, to him being a mummys boy still attached to her tit.

I also don't understand how it can be ok for a woman to talk to family, but not a male (and all this talk of emotional incestuous shite)

I also don't get how he lied about you not liking her, given your attitude towards her on this thread.

And I also don't get why you are with a man who you describe as a knob and the likes.

I did initially feel sorry for you. Hearing those things can not of been remotely nice. But I am now left also feeling sorry for him as the thread has progressed.

Personally, I think it would be best if you went your separate ways.

I don't see barred getting in a 'rage' about anything - but it's useful that you confirmed the opinion of a previous poster that you are very good at twisting to suit. I feel sorry for your husband - his life must be nothing short of living hell.

Why had he decided that it was over, when he was the one who went to her and said he loves her and wants to make things work just a few hours ago? Followed by the OP calling him a knob?