aibu to feel that this is worse than adultery?

[geosprout]

Dh and I have been having problems of late-major ones. I came home last night to overhear him talking to his mother about our problems in depth. A lot of it was untrue and painting me out to be the bad guy. Hey, I'm no innocent, but like all relationships it's six of one half dozen of the other IYSWIM.

I went ballistic: I took the phone off of him only to have her screaming down my earhole. I defended myself but I feel utterly and completely betrayed.
I don't think I'd feel worse if he had s**ed somebody else; I know, I know it's nuts and I probably am being unreasonable.

What makes it worse is that he only ever pays her 'duty visits' because he thinks he is going to get some money off her when she dies.

AIBU?

Novack love your stereotyping even tho it's prob non PC tee hee

Well they don't have to see their mummy's every day to be mummy's boys, do they?

You are married to someone who openly talks to you about only visiting his mother to keep himself in her Will?

Did you never go 'ballistic' about that?

Yuk, the pair of you.

Youre happy to share your life with a spineless, smarmy, greedy, manipulative wanker until he talks about you wilth the same lack of respect and integrity as he talks about his mother. What else did you expect??

I cant imagine you have any more scruples than he has - just reading about him makes my skin crawl - and you are married to him!

When you are a shit person, and involve yourself with other shit peoplesometimes you come up stinking of shit.

Oh well!

Joan ON I think OP finds it inappropriate for her DH to discuss anything personal with his mother BECAUSE she is his mother; because DH is hers and shouldn't need that sort of relationship with his mother.
No I don't get it either...

so you hate all men that get on with their mothers then?

I really hope you never have sons because karma can be a bitch.

Op, you are clearly very angry at what you heard and I guess that the course of this thread has made you even more angry! I suggest you leave it for now knowing that there are some of us who also would have gone ballistic at our DHs IF they had discussed with their mothers what you say your DH did with his.

I have to say that I believe that most DHs (my own included) would not dream of having such a discussion with their mothers out of respect for their DWs.

cureall, so its a turf thing? She wants to own him and his mother is consigned to history? How terribly sad.

No, it's more to do with the fact that he is 50-years-old.

TheDreadedFoosa- a fair and justified comment.

"Not awful but not good. When men do it, it's a big fat 9/10."

There must be a big issue between you and his mother and/or he must have told her some truly dreadful things because I can't believe anyone sees their DH fucking another woman as more preferable to telling his mother (even inappropriate) things about their marriage.

Do you have children? DO you have boys - do you intend to have a relationship with them as they become adults do you want them to be able to come to you for support and advice when they are going through difficult patches?

My brother is going through a divorce and I have no doubt that he confided in my mother at times and our family is not in the slightest bit incestuous

I would take issue with my partner discussing our sex life with his mother but not in a manic snatch the phone away kinda way... and I think the idea that men should not be allowed to talk openly with their mother bizarre in teh extreme.

Can you tell I'm the mother of a son?

I think that you didn't say much to us at all about what was said on the phone Geo and that people have therefore assumed that not much was said at all. I think that you came on here looking for sympathy and didn't realise how much detail would be expected in your OP to ensure that the full picture came across.

You have done what your dh did - gone elsewhere for sympathy rather than to him. The difference is that you have gone for sympathy telling the truth, rather than by telling lies. I would be really hurt if my dh were to suggest to my wonderful mil that I didn't like her. She is part of my family, part of my life, and it's not his job to wreck that relationship. That would upset me more than discussing our sex life although if he were to lie about that to get more sympathy from her, then yes, I would be really hurt too.

The double standards thing is a red herring IMO. What is a problem perhaps in your marriage as here is that you may think that you have explained yourself clearly when you haven't. Sounds as if counselling to help your dh and you to communicate honestly and clearly could be very very useful. If you are both willing then the problems you have faced here are not insurmountable. If either of you does not want to communicate honestly and work on it, then you do indeed have a big problem.

So at what age should men hate their mothers to suit their wives?

My last partner got on extremely well with his mum. I didn't mind at all. Thought it was a good thing. He never talked about her in a bad way and always resisted bad-mouthing me to her.

There's a connection, here, isn't there? I think my dh is abusive. He has pushed me several times, swears frequently at me, and is always right.

The respect they show their mothers is the respect they show their wives.
She just happens to be on his good side at the moment. And I'm on the bad. He doesn't give a s*it about either of us, though.

Geo, what has being 50 got to do with it??

JoanON I think that's it; like the father passing the bride to the groom on the wedding day in reverse. I always thought that was a bit odd, here's my daughter who I GIVE to you.!

Would also love to know if you have a son.

Spanish or Italian? Ooh, those hot-headed Latins! What is this, an Enid Blyton thing?

OP, you lost the moral high ground grabbing the phone. But yes, I'd be pretty pissed off in your shoes too.

Well Geo if he's abusive it sounds as though you should get out as you're not doing each other any good. Or both make a serious effort to improve your relationship. The swearing/hitting thing is a worry, maybe you both see it as normal when a lot of people will be going WTF is that all about!

Actually aren't Italian men stereotypically supposed to be mother's boys?

He has pushed me several times, swears frequently at me, and is always right

I cant be the only person thinking that you sound very similar to each other..

I wouldnt like to be your neighbour.

I would have an issue with the lies - whomever he'd said them to. I don't get why the fact that it was his mother that is so unforgivable, really I don't.

"So at what age should men hate their mothers to suit their wives?" well at some point before 50 I gather though to be fair OP doesn't want him to hate his mother, just limit his conversation to the weather and politics.

I have never laid a finger on him, squeakytoy, or perhaps mouthy women deserve to get pushed?

did I say you deserved to get pushed?

you barged in and snatched a phone off him... I see that as very similar to pushing..

your language in your posts is inflammatory, and if that is the way you communicate with him, then again, you have no moral high ground there

No, getting the phone off somebody is not the same as pushing them at all. .

YABU and appeared unhinged. You both sound as bad as each other. Do you have children?

squeakytoy perhaps in your eyes some women deserve to be put in their place?

What, like MiLs?

No, I believe in squeaky's eyes mils are beyond reproach; it is the dils that need putting in their place.