aibu to feel that this is worse than adultery?

[geosprout]

Dh and I have been having problems of late-major ones. I came home last night to overhear him talking to his mother about our problems in depth. A lot of it was untrue and painting me out to be the bad guy. Hey, I'm no innocent, but like all relationships it's six of one half dozen of the other IYSWIM.

I went ballistic: I took the phone off of him only to have her screaming down my earhole. I defended myself but I feel utterly and completely betrayed.
I don't think I'd feel worse if he had s**ed somebody else; I know, I know it's nuts and I probably am being unreasonable.

What makes it worse is that he only ever pays her 'duty visits' because he thinks he is going to get some money off her when she dies.

AIBU?

Guess that excuses the physical abuse on his part, then.

Physical abuse? Like what? You have only just started dripping that into the conversation. And so far, pushing is the only thing that you have mentioned and quite frankly, I find controlling behaviour much more damaging than that.

Not that it makes it right, just that you seem hell bent on being the innocent party to a mummys boy attached to the tit (who is now abusive) from being guilty along with a selfish git who only has minimal contact with his mother to stay in her will.

Which, exactly, is it?

This is why drip feeding is frowned upon.

Read the whole thread and frankly you deserve each other really.

OP just to say again, if he's physically abusive you need to address this.
Hope you both find a way to be closer to each other if that's what you both want.
Only you know why he called you frigid (ouch) but you're not the first person in the world to be called that. I think it's a horrible word, to me it smacks of 1950's sexism, "she won't have sex with me therefore she's frigid" laying no blame at his door whatsoever. And inappropriate to tell his mum this in these terms. He sounds an insensitive Bstrd TBH.

Dear geosprout,

I do not know you at all but I feel the need to tell you this: my friend died recently, leaving behind two children and a life that lasted less than 40 years.

Believe me when I say that, for many of us, life can be incredibly short. Use it well.

Your relationship is in major trouble. Take five minutes - no longer - to decide whether you are going to take time to make it work or to end it. Then act on that.

You are spending waaaay too much time fretting about the small, pointless stuff, when the big things are just slipping past without you doing anything about it. And thus will life slip by: wasted in ill-feeling, anger, and bitterness.

None of that stuff matters. It's not rational to live like this. If the relationship is all pain and being vile to each other, then do something about it - don't wallow in the negativity: what a waste of your one and only life.

Good luck.

Read the thread and agree thebody

Plus clearly OP you have never been on the receiving end of adulterous behaviour or you wouldnt be spouting such utter bilge about wishing your DH had done that instead

ShullBit I can see what you're saying but OP came to Mumsnet for help and support, your comment would have me in tears, but then I am a soppy so and so.

Sorry - I should be clear: I really, really don't mean that nastily. I may be coming across as hugely patronising, but you are posting on mn and I sense you have lost sight of the bigger picture. Perhaps you have no one around you to point it out, so at least one person should, rather than just answering your AIBU question.

Thanks lentilly was just thinking the same myself.

OP you clearly have a lot of issues, the smallest of those being your dh.

cureall, she came on here asking if she was being unreasonable about something, which I agreed that he was wrong for lying, but that she is wrong to dictate who he can talk to and throw in incest accusations etc.

The OP has ended up drip feeding so much, it is no wonder people are confused. If he was an abusive knob, why not include that for ages? It does appear that she is clutching at straws to be the innocent one, as she doesn't like being told her views are unreasonable.

She didn't come on hear for support or advice, she came on here to be told she was right IMO.

I think she's looking for an excuse to leave him, can't quite bring herself to do it, and wants us all to reassure her that it would be the best thing to do. She clearly doesn't love her husband or have any respect for him. There is apparently nothing he can do to change that. What's the point of staying any longer? (Unless she can't wrench herself away from the promise of the MIL's inheritance, I suppose...)

Go, OP, GO! Do your husband a favour. But if you want a more successful relationship next time, maybe you should consider revising your frankly bizarre ideas about mother-son relationships.

I think your husband sounds vile, OP. I would have been very hurt and upset if I'd overheard him. I think he has the right to talk to his mum, but he sounds as though he was slagging you off to get her on-side.

The only other comment I'd make is that it really is nothing like infidelity, because if he was being unfaithful he'd be saying those things to another woman, as well as shagging her. That is a worse feeling, in my opinion.

Animula - thank you for your post. Life really is very short indeed and I think that's brilliant advice you gave the OP.

We must meet her. I need Brownie points and she could write me out of her will if we don't go up'.

Sounds like OP's DH is trying to find an acceptable reason to visit his mum

You sound like an absolute nightmare and I feel very sorry for your poor DH who can't even have a private conversation (with whoever he decides to have it!). Talking helps, but according to you he's not allowed to do that. I hope he finds a way out soon.

I am not quite sure what's going on. Seems that the OP wants to leave and is trying to make people agree with her. I am very dubious about people who drip feed massive issues so far into a thread.
OP whether you want to admit it or not. Your posts come across as you are both violent and nasty with eachother. You both sounds as bad as the other.
I don't think he lied did he? You clearly don't like his mum. Also its not up to you who he chooses to confide in. Your posts make you sound like an angry, abusive controlling shrew.

he's disloyal but unless he's erm...physically active with her, its not adultery. you're sensitive because of your situation, which should be private, and anyway who wants their mother in law to know such stuff.

sack them both.

Of course he is allowed to talk to his mum, but I doubt there is one single person on here who would not have been terribly hurt, angry and upset to have overheard their DH have THIS CONVERSATION with her.

You say that it is OK to talk to your parents about sex, but is it acceptable to slag off your DW or DH's sexual performance or non-performance ('frigid')?

Is it OK to tell your parents that your DW/DH does not like them or want to see them (especially if it's not true)?

Whilst I can understand you all taking a dislike to the OP, just put yourself in her shoes in relation to the original conversation she says she overheard and ask yourself how YOU would feel.

This is a classic MN Drip Feed Thread:

AIBU?
YABU!
Oh no I'm not!

(Cue drip feed of more and more horrendous - and increasingly unlikely - deeds by the OP's adversary, to gain sympathy).

But how will it end - a Flounce?

Perhaps he says he doesn't want to see his mum and only does so to stay in her Will because he knows you hate her?

If you're having problems in your marriage, then perhaps he feels he can't talk to you about things (do you ever go off the deep end at him?) and so he talks to the only woman he can't be accused of committing adultery with, whom he perhaps hopes will give him some insight into how a woman might feel or think about some of the issues causing problems in his marriage.

Op, you only mentioned the physical abuse by him when it was clear that you were in the wrong, you cannot be surprised that no one is really taking any (or little) notice of that!

Jux, Ironically, I do hate her now. You see, if I were her, I'd have said:' Son, I'm really, really sorry about what is happening in your marriage, if ever you need a place to stay, I'm here, but I am not taking sides in this. Talk to somebody else'.

Instead, she insisted on shouting at me, while not in possession of the full facts (even is she were, she just should have butted out).

He has pushed me. This is a fact. Everything I have said is true-the drip feeding is wrong, but, yes, he has pushed me.

Even if he has lied about how much he really likes his mum, how on earth am I supposed to know that he loves her really? I'm not psychic. I take him at his word.

I have never, ever said that he cannot talk to his mum. When she visits, they talk endlessly about politics and sport. Endlessly, I just smile and go and cook and let them have their heated debates! I don't mind at all. I don't want them to talk about our deeply personal life! Why the hell is this so unreasonable?!