aibu to feel that this is worse than adultery?

[geosprout]

Dh and I have been having problems of late-major ones. I came home last night to overhear him talking to his mother about our problems in depth. A lot of it was untrue and painting me out to be the bad guy. Hey, I'm no innocent, but like all relationships it's six of one half dozen of the other IYSWIM.

I went ballistic: I took the phone off of him only to have her screaming down my earhole. I defended myself but I feel utterly and completely betrayed.
I don't think I'd feel worse if he had s**ed somebody else; I know, I know it's nuts and I probably am being unreasonable.

What makes it worse is that he only ever pays her 'duty visits' because he thinks he is going to get some money off her when she dies.

AIBU?

It takes a psychic to work out that a man loves his mother?

It's unreasonable because there is nothing intrinsically about her being his mother that makes her unsuitable to confide in. Not wanting your private business talked about is one thing, but that isn't your problem, you're focusing only on it being HER.

And thats just bizarre. You seem unable to comprehend you might be at all wrong though, so why are you asking?

OP, do you have any children?

OP, IMO you need to wake up and smell the coffee. Your marriage is a mess and your responses in this thread have been giving most of the audience reason to believe that much of the fault is of your own making. That may or may not be true, but what is going on here is a car crash in the making with a lot of people either (a) getting very angry with you or (b) feeding the frenzy and rubbernecking.

If you've been pushed, then yes, that's bad. But the reaction you had in taking the phone off him, flying off on one at him and then raging on here is also indicative of a type of emotional abuse on your part that aint pretty. And you are clearly not taking on board much of what is being said.

I think you should leave the thread, let it die, calm down and then try to explore where the fault lies on both sides. Maybe name change and post again in a more reasonable manner once you've worked out exactly where your problems lie? You are not going to get any supportive help here on this particular thread because you have been so inflammatory and reactionary.

JoanOfNark, not every man loves his mother. Fact. Also, men who love their mothers do NOT talk about 'brownie points' and say, 'I've got to keep the bitch sweet, else she will leave me out of her will'.

Any man who loved his mother would try to at least argue with his wife about why he wanted to see her.

He would NOT resort to calling his own mother a 'bitch' or talk about 'brownie points'. Certainly not.

I would also say that "pushing" is subjective without knowing the full story.

If someone was up in my face ranting and yelling at me, and blocking my way, I would be justified in pushing them aside. Man or woman, it doesnt indicate abuse necessarily.

I can see that may well happen here given the short fuse that the OP has shown.

Ah, so he calls her a bitch now...

Best get a sponge to soak up that drip..

If I had suggested to my last partner about not seeing his mother, he would have been bemused and shocked.

Oh and by the way, where is it said here that I have stopped him seeing his mum in the first place? Where? Tell me where?

I have NEVER stopped him seeing his mother.

squeakytoy Look, I get the impression that you think a man giving his wife a push is perfectly OK as long as he treasures his mum.

It is people like you that stop victims of DV stepping forward.

But if you must know the story, we were arguing about something at the top of the stairs, he took exception to something I said, he then pushed me and I fell down the stairs.

I am frankly shocked that anybody would think this OK.

Honey, you have the same problem most other women here have, and its nothing to do with his mother.
You simply married a twat.

And the drip drip drip hyperbole and accusations makes it look like you are lying. Perhaps you're not, but you come across as aggressive, defensive, rude, unaware of normal relationships, and frankly odd.

squeakytoy Look, I get the impression that you think a man giving his wife a push is perfectly OK as long as he treasures his mum

I have no idea how you get that impression, as that is not what I have said or implied.

It is people like you that stop victims of DV stepping forward.

If you were to read any of my posts on threads concerning DV, you would know how supportive I am of anyone who is in a violent relationship, having been in one myself.

However I get the impression that you are embellishing your story because you did not get the replies you wanted from the beginning of your thread.

JoanOfNark, you know I think I have married a twat. Sometimes so-called drip feeding is a result of people not being able to get it all down at once. Everything I have said is true, though.

I have been defensive because I feel that I am under attack -not from you guys here, just generally and that is reflected in my responses.

I just feel that I'm worthless and not worthy of anybody's time. I feel as if I am in the wrong about everything all the time.

I'm sorry to be defensive against those who are only trying to be helpful. I am sorry.

FFS OP, you clearly don't like, love or respect your husband. You say he pushed you down the stairs. How is that not the focus of your post instead of the fact that he talked to his Mum about personal stuff which you liken to adultery.

If you want MN support I would suggest you namechange and start a new thread that clearly explains from the start what your issues are with this man.

You know you really need to leave him right?

Drippety drip drip drip.

Sorry OP, I think you've lost all credibility. This thread is getting to be a parody of a MN drip thread. Can we shoot it and put it out of its misery?

You still have not answered the question about whether you have any children either.

I ask because I would be interested to know, if you had a son, whether you would expect him to be able to confide in you. I would also worry about any kids living in what seems to be a fairly toxic atmosphere at your house.

Also, if your relationship is so terrible, and there are no kids involved, end it..

Is it any wonder I don't like, love or respect him? He calls his mother names, has let her down on numerous occasions.

I think this is why I blew my top. Why-after all he said- was he turning to her?

But I see it clearly now: he doesn't care about either of us. He treats her badly and so he treats me badly, too.
How a man treats his mum is how he treats his wife and vice versa.
Then he tries to play us off each other with this phone call.

We're both victims of him, really, it's not her fault nor mine.

I've been focussing on her as the 'bad guy' when it is really him that is the one to blame.

No, it probably isn't any wonder.

You need to channel all this anger you have into something more productive, like how to get the hell out of there and start your life over.

There is no use flogging a dead horse, and I'm sorry you are having such a difficult time just now.

squeakytoy I am younger than him (between 10-15 years, that's all I say-don't want to be too specific here). No there are no children.

I don't even think it is the confiding as such that made me blew my top. I'd have known from the start if he was the open-hearted type and gently asked him not to divulge too much information- it was the fact that he has bad-mouthed her for years to me and yet here he was telling her everything about us.

Now she thinks that I am nuts.

I remember one incident when we were first married. We were supposed to go to her house for a family dinner to see relatives that we had not seen since the wedding. He'd fallen out with her over something or nothing and we did not go.

I pleaded with him to go. Really, really pleaded for him to change his mind. He wouldn't budge. She was upset and so was I. I apologised profusely to her about it. It was so embarrassing.

Is it any wonder I don't like, love or respect him?

So why are you still with him?

Giving you the benefit of the doubt, I can understand that moaning about a small niggle ends being a plea for help about something major. Maybe this is the final straw for you both. You don't sound as though you like each other at all nor do you have any respect for each other, so why continue the misery?

I understand the OP's point in comparing this incident with adultery and her saying that it wouldn't be as bad as her husband cheating on her. It makes a lot of sense...

If the op's husband had cheated on her then that would mean he'd have actually done something wrong and then she'd feel more justified in her awful behaviour towards him. But as far as I'm aware, he's not cheated on her, he just confided in his mother, so op you were being completely unreasonable and you owe your dh an apology.

Did you go ballistic, op, as mentioned at the top of the thread?

Or did you stay calm, as you said two pages back?

That's not quite fair, Morris, is it? She said she went ballistic at her DH, but stayed calm when talking to her MIL.

DailyMailSpy. No, nobody owes anybody an apology. Either that or there needs to be apologies all around.

Jeez, though, when a woman comes here and says -in all honesty- that her dh has pushed her down the stairs, you'd expect people to say 'leave the bastard' or at least, ' This is dysfunctional, best to go'.

Not bloody apologising to him.

No wonder domestic abuse victims don't come forward.