To make 20yo DD and her boyfriend sleep in different rooms in my house?

[wishinonastar]

DD (20) and her boyfriend (19) are at the same uni and have been together for 18 months. He lives at the opposite end of the country to us so whenever he visits during the holidays he stays for a least a few nights, and right from his first visit we put him in the spare room. Since I am sure that they are sleeping together at uni, am I being ridiculously old fashioned by not letting them share a room now they've been together for a substantial amount of time?

Lots of people talking about respect.

Why is it respectful to pretend that you are sexless?

Personally I think its more to do with some peoples sexual hang ups than respect.

I was 18 when my boyfriend first stayed over. My mum says my dad's face was a picture, when he came downstairs in the morning, in his boxer shorts, to make me a cup of tea .

I think this is really hard - when my dc are older, I don't want to think of them having sex and I don't want to know anything about it. But the family home will always be their home too and I want them to feel comfortable here, so yes, I would allow a partner to sleep in their room. It's silly to pretend that they are not having sex and disrespectful to treat them like children when they are grown.

YANBU. They can always ask.

Also, if you want your kids to come home and visit, then it's unwise to make their partners feel unwelcome - all that will happen is that they will stay with you less often.

It all rather depends on how DD has been brought up. I was living with DP buy not married and we slept in separate rooms. No issue, mum acknowledged she did not mind what we were up to in our own place, she just did not want it in her own. We both respected this, as views were made clear from the start. It did not stop us going to my parents' house, in fact it made my DP respect them more given he was brought up in a different culture where any other situation would have been unacceptable.

Slept in separate rooms at my parents' house.

My parents always made my boyfriends sleep in the spare room, and I respected them for it. I was away at university most of the time so we didn't have to confront the issue in the same way as if I had been living at home. When I was 25 I called them and said, I am bringing my partner home to meet you, this one is different and I want him to share my room. They said OK. That was DH and it somehow feels right that he is the only man who has officially been recognised as my... er... bed sharer by my parents.

I would let them sleep in the same room as they are in a long term relationship.

My children are far too young for me to worry about this but in my head I have made a mental note that over 18 and in a relationship of 6 or months is acceptable or over 25 and in a relationship of 3 or more months.

My mil wouldn't let me share a room with dh when we were on holiday even though we had been together for over 5 years and were engaged and had our own home. Then she went completely the other way with dh's younger brother and he was allowed to share a room with women he had one night stands with.

Amber, it's not about respect for sexlessness. I respected my ILs' wishes and beliefs in their own home. My mum let me have my bf to stay in my room from age 17. I respected her too.

At 19 and having been in a relationship for some time, I would let them share a room.

My MiL used to make us sleep in separate rooms when we stayed with her until we got married. Despite the fact that we'd been together 10 years, lived together for 4 years and had a 2 year old DD.

Interesting despite the disappearance of OP.

Since I had my first serious bf at 18 we have always been allowed to share a bed at my mum's house. She might have found it difficult at first, but would always have preferred to know I was shagging safely in my own home, or his, than in the back of a car somewhere which might have happened with the first guy I got intimate with! At that age there was plenty of male attention, including from older blokes who wouldn't have been after any more than sex, so sharing a bed at home with my bf who loved me was the much better option.

My DF and DSM were initially happy with bf staying in my room at their house, but when they realised we were sharing the single bed instead of him sleeping on the floor, they changed their minds. They really embarrassed me and made me feel a bit of a slapper tbh, and it caused a quiet rift for ages. Of course my 17 year old sister now shares her double bed with her bf and that's ok .

Definitely better for your relationship to allow it I think. In fact, I'm the oldest of 12 cousins on my DM's side, and all our parents have shared the same attitude. We've remained a much closer family, whereas ny dad's isn't. Not suggesting that's a result of unmarried sex but it all links in with the respect and trust we've been given.

Depends - do you believe that sex should only happen within marriage? In which case, YANBU. If you don't hold that belief, YABU.

In my mother's house my DH slept in the spare room before we were married-5 years of visits home! In his mother's house we shared a room on visits and for the 3 years right before we got married we were living together. It annoyed me at my mum's but it was her house and she wasn't comfortable with us sharing. To be honest it just meant the sneaking around for 'private' time was pretty exciting!

For gods sake, she's 20. Let them stay in the same room.

I'm 20, been living with my boyfriend for a while. Insulting to think I must be a child in your eyes.

If a couple weren't sleeping together though, might be embarrassing for the parents to offer them a double room!

StepOut, there's always the option to decline!

They're quite obviously sleeping together. Even if they're not having sex. Which they also probably are.

Yes you should let them be adults and the trust you will show by letting them be adults will only have a positive effect on your family dynamic

Yanbu. I had always slept in a separate room to dp when visiting my parents right until I was 25 and pregnant. My father was elderly and I think he felt more comfortable that dp and I weren't sleeping together in his house. It's just a small thing, I can appreciate parents don't always want to have their unmarried children sleeping with their partners in their home.

Ex's parents didn't let us (got together start of 2nd yr uni, both 19, already living in shared house and "lived together" almost immediately).
To be honest we just didn't bother visiting them very often and spent much more of the holidays at my parents.
They changed their mind when we graduated and rented a place together, but the tone of the relationship was set and we stayed with them very little.

I was in the exact same position 17 years ago. MIL always put me in the spare room, partly as the rooms only had single beds but mainly because DH had a 10 year old brother. After a while I used to sneak in to his room and she knew I used to sneak in but for appearances sake we were separate.

I don't really remember when it changed but I never thought it was a big deal as it's her house and she shouldn't have to feel uncomfortable. (Oh and we used to wait for them to go out to have sex anyway!)

Oh please let them share a room! They probably won't even have sex but I used to have to sleep in the spare room at a boyfriend's parents house and it was horrid because I was used to sleeping next to him pretty much every night and I missed him!

An old friend on mine was annoyed when she found that her BF's parents were going to put them in separate bedrooms for her first overnight visit. She was 30 and divorced.

She and her BF decided to take their tent and camped together at the nearest site, which was several miles away. Funnily enough, on their next visit to his parents, they got to share a room.

And it's not just about whether a couple are having sex or not, it's also about giving your guests some space where they can share time, intimacy and privacy.