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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make 20yo DD and her boyfriend sleep in different rooms in my house?

373 replies

wishinonastar · 15/06/2012 23:32

DD (20) and her boyfriend (19) are at the same uni and have been together for 18 months. He lives at the opposite end of the country to us so whenever he visits during the holidays he stays for a least a few nights, and right from his first visit we put him in the spare room. Since I am sure that they are sleeping together at uni, am I being ridiculously old fashioned by not letting them share a room now they've been together for a substantial amount of time?

OP posts:
Lovecat · 15/06/2012 23:47

Seriously, people actively pursue having sex in their parents' house? You're not bothered that they might hear you or wander in halfway through to offer you a cup of tea (as has happened when we've been in bed together but not actually having sex - not that my mother knew that before she came in!)

My parents always made DH and I sleep in separate rooms until we were married and although we rolled our eyes a bit at it, there was no way we were actually going to do anything anyway - the very idea of them overhearing or interrupting any goings on was enough to put us off!

The only thing that really bothered us was the second we got married they went out and bought a double bed for the spare room, and told us this, really pleased with themselves. Like they'd given us permission to start bonking away with them in the next room!

Xmasbaby11 · 15/06/2012 23:48

YABU

What do you think you will achieve? You're probably just making it more exciting for them, sneaking around etc!

queenofthepirates · 15/06/2012 23:48

Ooh good luck trying to get a 19yo to stay celibate! YANBU but perhaps a little impractical....?

BTW, you do now have the delicious task of asking them lots of awkward questions, like whether she's being responsible, and watching her squirm. My parents turned this into an art form.

SquirtedPerfumeUpNoseInBoots · 15/06/2012 23:49

Oh god, I dread this. Reading your post I think your are being U, but actually letting it happen in my house... It's tricky. But she's 20. So you should probably let it be in the open. They are probably doing it anyway.

cory · 15/06/2012 23:50

If you have very strong religious views on sex before marriage then that is fine.

Just for the sake of it- no I don't see the point. Unless you don't allow any visiting couples to share a bedroom in your house of course. (Sorry Mr and Mrs Elderly Relatives, but we can't take the risk of anyone that isn't us having sex in this house).

cherry219 · 15/06/2012 23:51

YABU. My (very conservative) parents made me and my then boyfriend sleep in separate rooms when I was 20 and he was 24. In fact I was never allowed to sleep in the same room as a partner until I was married. My sister was allowed to have her boyfriend to stay in her room when she was 16.

If you have younger siblings and are likely to be more lenient on them, having lived through it already, you should rethink your policy now. It still rankles that my sister was treated so differently from me, it feels very unfair.

Latara · 15/06/2012 23:58

Re: the marriage thing - how does signing a piece of paper in front of a registrar or minister make a sexual relationship between 2 adults suddenly make it fine for parents to publicly 'allow' them to share a bedroom - yet without that piece of paper the same relationship is a shameful thing to be denied & hidden??

Their relationship is no different now than it would be with a marriage certificate.
Don't embarrass them either by asking 'awkward questions' (as queenofthepirates suggests - why would a parent want to deliberately undermine & embarrass their adult child like that?
Please treat them with the same respect & dignity that you would want for yourself.

turboorange · 16/06/2012 00:00

My parents did this even when we had been living together in our own home. The whole "no sex under our roof" sort of thing. We just went out "for a drive" :-s Come to think of it I think we were kept apart even after we had a baby. Haha. You're just adding to your laundry on a practical level...

MrsSchadenfreude · 16/06/2012 00:07

My parents made me and DH sleep in separate rooms before we were married. We would have a nice leisurely shag in the morning after they had gone to Waitrose, or a quickie in the bathroom at night when we were getting ready to go out. They grudgingly let us share a room after we were married and we used to have very noisy sex, just to prove a point. Childish, I know, but they had made such an issue out of it - I had my own flat at the time and bought a new double bed for my room. My mother said to me "You only bought that, you little tart, so that you can have sex in it."

Gentleness · 16/06/2012 00:12

What cory said.

Has your dd brought it up? Why not talk to her about it if you are committed to the rule? She might prefer it the way it is!

mixedberrymilkshake · 16/06/2012 00:13

Your house, your rules.

And sadly for your daughter- even if your rules are controlling and downright silly, she must obey ;(

mixedberrymilkshake · 16/06/2012 00:15

My parents used to do this. I'm part of the middle of the night sofa shagging camp.

Buntingbunny · 16/06/2012 00:29

YAB utterly and totally unreasonable!
If he is a serious boy friend?

DH and I are eternally grateful that my parents and his Mum never batted an eye lid at us sleeping together. It just made life so much nicer. DHs father must have guessed, but the granny annex had two bedrooms. DMIL knew exactly how many beds she changedGrin

I owned a car and both households lived in rural places so we'd have had sex anyway, but it was far nicer not to lie.

Honestly if my very protective DF could cope with his PFB sleeping with her BF of two weeks*, I think the OP should lighten up.

*We were never anything, but obviously very seriously together, we got engaged after 6 weeks and have been married 22 years.

Tortington · 16/06/2012 00:31

oh ffs shes 20 this isn't 1956

GnomeDePlume · 16/06/2012 00:33

Your house, your rules BUT my parents inability to respect my relationships did reduce my respect for them.

Buntingbunny · 16/06/2012 00:33

I am assuming my Mum guessed that my younger sister wasn't going to learn anything she didn't already know.

My DMum, quietly, knows a great deal Wink

LeB0F · 16/06/2012 00:33

I had almost the exact same situation at that age- my mum wasn't comfortable, but the sleeping arrangements she suggested would have been quite disruptive for my grandad who had Alzheimer's at the time, and he would have had to move rooms. She reluctantly conceded to us sharing, which I appreciated, and I was respectful enough to not have noisy sex or be indiscreet. I don't think we even had sex at all, to be honest. But it was the beginning of a more adult relationship with my parents, which I was thankful for.

edam · 16/06/2012 00:34

Aw, I think it's kind of sweet. In a 'gosh, I remember being young and being made to sleep in separate bedrooms' nostalgic mood. We did manage quite a lot of shagging at dh's parents' house, despite the separate bedrooms, but having to be creative about it was entertaining. (Obviously he wasn't dh back in those days.)

My parents were far more liberal, with the result that I wouldn't have dreamed of shagging under their roof. Yuck, with my parents next door?! (Dh clearly didn't have the same qualms about his...)

Popsandpip · 16/06/2012 00:35

YANBU. I even asked my folks at age 29 if my then bf and I could share a room. I asked my mum to spare my dad's blushes but said I understood if they rather we didn't. It's about respecting your parents, their house and not rubbing their faces in the fact that you have sex.

BackforGood · 16/06/2012 00:39

No, YANBU. As others have said, your house, your rules.
I also agree with others who say either parents house is not an idea place for sex - you just wouldn't feel comfortable, surely!

LadyBeagleEyes · 16/06/2012 00:45

This is the 21st century, yes you ABU.
And i hate the expression 'your house, your rules' as well.
Rules are made to be broken, especially when your adult daughter simply wants to share a room with her long term partner.
Which I'm sure she does when she's not at home.
It's hypocritical, what difference does it make.
Will it all be OK if she has a wedding ring on her finger?

early80sgirl · 16/06/2012 00:53

my dd is only 12 but i know if she was in a serious relationship at 20yrs of age i probably wouldnt put her bf in a spare room ,they can do it anywhere dont need to be seperated in their parents home , whats the point ?

early80sgirl · 16/06/2012 00:53

my dd is only 12 but i know if she was in a serious relationship at 20yrs of age i probably wouldnt put her bf in a spare room ,they can do it anywhere dont need to be seperated in their parents home , whats the point ?

NewDog · 16/06/2012 00:58

YABU

She's an adult and they are in a long term relationship.

What on earth are your reasons for separating them?

lisaro · 16/06/2012 01:00

No. Your house your rules. And I can totally understand.

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