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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To make 20yo DD and her boyfriend sleep in different rooms in my house?

373 replies

wishinonastar · 15/06/2012 23:32

DD (20) and her boyfriend (19) are at the same uni and have been together for 18 months. He lives at the opposite end of the country to us so whenever he visits during the holidays he stays for a least a few nights, and right from his first visit we put him in the spare room. Since I am sure that they are sleeping together at uni, am I being ridiculously old fashioned by not letting them share a room now they've been together for a substantial amount of time?

OP posts:
exoticfruits · 19/06/2012 07:17

I really think that you ought to reread your posts 47, I don't think that the language is very Christian- not to mention the sentiments expressed.

Theglassishalffull · 19/06/2012 07:49

47, it's fine to have an opinion (however narrow minded it may appear) but when you try and force it on other people that is when you will have a problem.

Theglassishalffull · 19/06/2012 07:51

Some of your posts if I'm honest are rather unchristian in flavour.

WhiteWidow · 19/06/2012 08:06

Christ, bringing Darwin in to it.

Theory of evolution has more standing, ie it has actual basis, rather than a book!

Science keeps disproving the Bible but you chose to ignore it. :)

5madthings · 19/06/2012 08:12

what exotic just said and tbh i expect your posted will be removed for personal attack 47 and quite frankly i dont think its even worth engaging in discussion with you.

WhiteWidow · 19/06/2012 08:21

And 47, you say you're sick of the Leviticus arguments. You might be sick of them, but you have to acknowledge the valid points they make. Which I'm sure you'd rather ignore.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 19/06/2012 08:36

I noticed you also ignored my comment about the Leviticus reference being considered to be about adultery, not homosexuality.

Also I looked up prig (thanks for teaching me a new word Grin) and I have to laugh that YOU are calling ME a zealot.

Latara · 19/06/2012 09:36

47 (& everyone else) - Personally i'm not a Christian, Muslim or Jew although i believe in God.

I don't have any knowledge on other religions except those three, so i can't comment on Hinduism, Buddhism etc.

I am straight & i have no problem with homosexual & heterosexual sex outside marriage - as long as it's in private & must be between consenting adults only.
I do think that gay couples should be allowed to marry.

My view is that the religious books of Christians, Muslims & Jews do contain some of the word of God, but because it was written down by men, then it will have been distorted (perhaps unconsciously) by the ideals & laws of the times that already existed.

The religious books have been debated, fought over, revised & interpreted over tens of centuries... often to suit the rulers of various lands. No-one knows for sure if even all the scriptures written have been found.
ALL religions have this issue - you only need to look at the source of conflict between Sunni & Shia Islam; or the cause of the divisions between the Catholic & Orthodox churches; or the endless debates between Jewish scholars.

The truth of what God did say (or not) about homosexuality or sex outside marriage may therefore never be known.

Homosexuals may well have been persecuted thousands of years ago by all societies including pagan - as it's human nature to persecute anyone perceived as 'different' to the majority.

I would be interested to find out if what are considered to be, for example, 'Christian morals' were followed or in existence in places that were pagan (but that's a whole separate topic).

In Britain (& i agree with this) it's up to each individual to choose their own belief system; religious or atheist.

Freedom of speech & choice includes the freedom to hold political & religious views that may offend others.

Here in Britain we rightly have the freedom to discuss our views between like-minded individuals.

We can debate those views with people who may have opposing views but who accept that they will hear views expressed that they disagree with during that debate - such as on this thread.

In Britain we are free to dislike the people or behaviours that we choose to dislike.
BUT we are NOT nor should we be free to allow our views & beliefs to cause offence, harm or discrimination against other humans.
That is why the legal system in Britain legislates against discrimination now, & that is why the Human Rights Act exists.

Pesonally if i was either gay or in an unmarried sexually active couple then i wouldn't want to stay in a hotel or home run by people who dislike what i do - i would feel uncomfortable & would rather stay in a place where i'm truly & honestly welcome.

I have complained to moderators about extremely nasty offensive comments made to online newspapers, & those comments were removed as they did break 'house rules'.
BUT - i do wonder if actually it's better NOT to complain - rather to let those views be 'outed' so that there is a true picture of the level of racism & other offensive views that exist.
I know those views exist (racist, sexist, homophobic, disablist etc etc) because i hear them expressed all too often in RL - despite the policies against discrimination at work for example.

I believe any moral person would not hold those views, & i hate hearing them from people i like, so i do give my opposing views - but i accept that it's often impossible to change views that people have grown up with.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 19/06/2012 09:50

Amazing post! You're my new heroine!

Latara · 19/06/2012 10:03

Can i also add - i like Mumsnet because it provides a safe space for women (with or without children) to debate & discuss morals, politics, & anything else - there are very few opportunites for women like me (& any men who wish to join in) of all social classes, nationalities, cultures & religions to mix, debate & share their views & ideas.
Comments that break talk guidelines can be deleted as elsewhere, but there is no obvious political bias here & (no offence to men) but it's nice to discuss issues on a website mainly aimed at women, as many other sites are dominated by men or moderated by people with obvious political bias.
Also i like to read what mothers, teachers etc have to say as i plan to (hope to) be a mother myself in the future! :)

Zara1984 · 19/06/2012 11:37

Ding dong the witch is dead, by the looks of things!

Agree that Lataras post is excellent. Smile

ShullBit · 19/06/2012 11:52

Funny how MN has even deleted your vile views 47. Going by your threads, I can safely say even I am more Christian than you and I am in no way religious.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 19/06/2012 13:11

I hesitated to report them as I don't like to report 'opinions' however vulgar they are, but I just couldn't get over the insults and the implication I'm a murderer because I had an abortion as a child (and I'm 19..So child is young for me whereas lots of people still view me as a child.)

LadyBeagleEyes · 19/06/2012 13:29

I'm glad her posts were deleted Lurking, her opinions were vile.

KitCat26 · 19/06/2012 13:38

Your house your rules.

My parents would never have let me and DH share a room before we were hitched (they are very old fashioned). To be fair the only spare room they have is my old bedroom with a single bed in it anyway so it wasn't too much of a hardship.

However, we have two small DDs and by the time they have long term boyfriends I would be happy for them to share a room when staying with us so long as there's no audible bed bouncing.

cuteboots · 19/06/2012 13:42

Your house our rules and Im not sure what Id do in this situation. I was never allowed to share a bed in my mums house even when we were engaged to be married. My mum said she knew we were doing the wild thing but had no desire to have it going on under her roof!! hee hee

exoticfruits · 19/06/2012 13:44

Well said Latara-I am pleased to come back and find some of the more obnoxious posts deleted.

Latara · 19/06/2012 13:46

Lurking - eek, thanks, just worked out that technically you are young enough to be MY daughter. OMG now i feel old.... nooo....

Seriously though Lurking: you had an abortion because it was the right thing for you, it's legal & it's very wrong to suggest that a woman / girl go through an unwanted pregnancy. Please don't let anyone ever make you feel guilty about it.

People shouldn't view you as a child - because you AREN'T a child. Unfortunately at 35 i STILL get that attitude from certain colleagues who are 20 years older (some think it's acceptable to be condescending & patronising to anyone a similar age to their children).

Annoying! So you have my sympathy definitely.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 19/06/2012 13:59

Thank you for your kind words Latara, they mean a lot to me Thanks

I never feel bad about the choice I made..Until people tell me I'm a murderer (hence why I rarely mention it) Honestly if I'd been forced to go through with the pregnancy I would have killed myself. The thought of carrying that monster's child...Just too traumatising.

Another reason I never tell is because people seem to think I regret it and need loads of therapy, and when I say I don't they treat me like I'm inhumane and abnormal.

You'd think people would focus on the raped as a child part but nope, apparently somehow it was still my responsibility, :(

SusanneLinder · 19/06/2012 17:13

Lurking-I think you are very brave :). By your posts, I would never have guessed you were only 19 as you come across as very mature.

LurkingAndLearningForNow · 19/06/2012 17:33

Blush Thank you. I'm an old soul. I like my booze old and crotchety! Grin

nooka · 20/06/2012 06:52

Sorry Lurking, we all got bit caught up in the fight and didn't stop to say that of course you weren't in the wrong, and what happened to you was terrible, and would have been terrible if you were an adult let alone a child.

I loathe it when people say that forcing people (even children) who have been raped to bear their rapists child could in any way be the right and moral thing to do. If the woman chooses to continue her pregnancy because she thinks it might be healing (or any other reasons she gives) then all support should be given to that choice, but conversely those who do not want to follow that course (again for whatever reason) should also be supported. Some people's lack of compassion is just extraordinary, and I find it quite scary when religion is used as a screen because of the influence such views have.

exoticfruits · 20/06/2012 07:10

I was accused of being leader of the 'anti morals police' and defender of abortion. I have never posted on abortion but of course I defend your position, Lurking, a terrible thing happened to you - something that shouldn't happen to anyone- and that was the crime. My best wishes.

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