To make 20yo DD and her boyfriend sleep in different rooms in my house?

[wishinonastar]

DD (20) and her boyfriend (19) are at the same uni and have been together for 18 months. He lives at the opposite end of the country to us so whenever he visits during the holidays he stays for a least a few nights, and right from his first visit we put him in the spare room. Since I am sure that they are sleeping together at uni, am I being ridiculously old fashioned by not letting them share a room now they've been together for a substantial amount of time?

let them sleep in same room. but leave a condom, some baby oil and a karma sutra book on the beside locker. they'd be too embarrassed then to do anything! lol

You are being extremely old fashioned!! They are adults in a serious relationship.

Nope.

My ex's family had the rule that if you were not married you did not share a room. This was imposed on all of the children even when they were approaching 30.

My mum was happy for ex and I to share a room at hers.

Your house your rules. They should respect them and you for your values.

They are adults ffs

And stop bloody posting 'your house your rules' my House is also my childrens house not just mine

Why are you not letting them share a room?
Do you disapprove of a 20 year old adult in a stable happy relationship having sex?
If a married neice of 19 and of a relationship of the same length as your dds stayed, would you make her and her DH stay in separate rooms?
If not, do you really object to sex before marriage?
Is it about other people having sex in your house?
If so, under this YHYR code that keeps getting quoted, would you leave a note in guests roooms tellling them they must not masturbate while staying in your house? Is any sex in someone else's house 'disrespectful'? if so, why?
Or is it that you feel that separate rooms is some sort of conventional code for good manners?

Make what ever decision you feel comfortable with - but ensure that you are sending your dd the right message (e.g do you you want her to feel that you disapprove of her adult decisions to have sex or not?), and ensure you know why you are making the decision and that it is rational.

I hate 'my house my rules', reminds me of the weird family on The League Of Gentlemen.

My mother made me and my boyfriend have separate rooms when I was 26 and came home to visit. We were living together, engaged and I had an 8 year old child. My mother is a strict catholic and did not want me sinning under her roof. Although I think that is ridiculous, I still respect her right to have whatever sleeping arrangements she wants.

MIL wouldn't let me sleep round at DHs when he was 24 and I was 20 (despite being together for 2 years). He just slept round at mine instead. MIL was put out but she has quite old fashioned views tbh.

She is 20 ffs.

Yabvvu.

Someone up thread said their house was also their children's house my house is my children's home but its my house.

If you are against sex before marriage then fair enough - but only if you impose this rule on all your children until they get married.

Otherwise I simply dont see a reason - yes its icky thinking if your kids having sex but as many people have said would you prevent other adult visitors sharing a room just because you find the idea a bit gross?

You are of course within your rights to stop them but, personally if my parents had stopped us I just wouldnt have stayed there. If you are happy for your children to get a hotel when the boyfriend comes to stay then go for it.

YABU. Nothing is going to make them want a frantic shag more than someone telling them they can't.

Absolutely everything Blu just said.

And as for the person who said way upthread:

Let them go and shag at his house. It's about respect.

Really? So it's ok for them to disrespect his parents then?

This ridiculous notion of 'respect' drives me up the frigging wall. One thing is for certain - no respect is being shown for the fact two young adults are in a stable, loving and long term relationship, and I am sure they are perfectly capable of being very discreet and sensible. If you want respect from your children you teach it by example.

why not simpy ask them if the want to share a room? they might say no and feel they dont want to "disrespect" you.

Absolutely YANBU. My place is my rules, so your place should be your rules.

I don't agree with premarital sex. I know no parent owns their DS/DD's bodies and we have no right to stop 16+ "children" having sex if they decide to do so, but they cannot expect to break my principles in the family home no matter how old they are. This couple are in an LTR and old enough to marry so if it were my DD, I would suggest it politely but remind her of the rules of the house while she is not wed. Only married couples share a bed where I live and have control over, sorry.

The fact they are adults gives them the right to make their own decisions about what they do IN PRIVATE. It does not give them the right to do what they like in another person's house, let alone their own parents'. You are not some sort of hotelier expected to let people have free rein in their rooms, you are her mother. Whether they are 20, 30 or 50. It's as simple as that.

I would have to say that this view is less popular than it was pre-1965 so it counts as "old fashioned". But being "old fashioned" is irrelevant to whether you are BU (you're not), as it is a descriptor different from being right or wrong. There is nothing intrinsically good about being "modern" or "moving with the times"; this is short-sighted and even plain immoral view. My principles are based on deeper things than what the majority of people in 2012 happen to believe. They transcend the times.

I find it weird that you would presume that if they share a bed they must be shagging constantly. They will probably just sleep, as a couple in a stable relationship.
Also why does being married make a difference, is it that your suddenly cool with your kids having sex just cos they had a nice party? It's still the same!!
yabvu.

I had my first baby at 21 and we moved into my mums house night before ours was ready my then DF now DH was finishing stuff off she made him sleep on the sofa TBH op it is your house and your rules but would you make them sleep apart if they lived together unmarried?

DH and I slept in separate rooms in my parents' house till we were married. Even when we were living together, we still drove home together then put our suitcases into different bedrooms.

Never bothered me, never questioned it. Never went without the occasional shag on the sofa late at night either. My parents are actually fairly liberal, relaxed people (and lovely too) but this is just one thing I think they felt they had to be seen to be upholding.

Why does being married make a difference?

47to31 what your saying is very offensive. Your morals arnt 'deeper' than anyone else's. I think believing in no sex before marriage is immoral. It oppresses women in particular you are whores if they don't conform to your idea of what is right. Why exactly is sex only for married people? What difference is being married to being in a relationship?
The reason being modern is good is because we have progressed, improved.
Also again don't presume because this couple share a bed they will definately be having sex!

If I recall correctly, they are MUCH more likely to have sex in your house if you put them in different rooms ..........

I would say your house, your rules but don't get offended and upset when they don't visit/stay over often.

My mum felt like this, we weren't allowed to sleep in the same room til DH and I got married. We probably wouldn't have had sex TBH but would have been nice to be able to share a bed. However, it also meant that I usually stayed over at DH's house (partly also because my parents live in the middle of nowhere where as he lived in a town so going out was easier) lots; most weekends. My mum got really upset by this and was always suggesting he came to their house .

Also, do you have younger children - my brothers are allowed their girlfriends to stay over, in the same bed, which really pissed me off. So bloody hypocritical! My mum always claimed she'd do the same with all of us...

Krumbum- no, I don't think she presumes that at all. She just believes separate beds for two people still officially single is proper. If you think that marriage is just "a nice party" you don't understand the traditionalist mindset at all. If you want to consider it "outdated", "passe", "Victorian" or one of the other time-related words I have seen used to bash it, then don't wait for marriage yourself or expect your children to do so. But have some courtesy for those who believe it is an absolute, permanent moral value to follow.

There seems to be a nasty backlash on this site against people who believe in chastity/abstinence until marriage. We KNOW it isn't the majority view in the Western world any more, but minorities have rights to live by their moral code as well, provided they do not force it on others inappropriately (encouraging your adult daughter to follow it ONLY while she is in your house as a guest is not inappropriate.) People who choose not to drink, swear, or watch porn because of their views on these issues are rarely picked on in such a way. I think some people ought to be more respectful of the OP.